Hold Me (Ribbon Ridge #7)

Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

B ex watched the door from her office to the back parking lot close as Hayden left. Her heart pounded in her chest, and she blinked back tears. He’d wanted to leave with her. She finally understood the hold his family had over him—it was more than love or loyalty. He’d been looking for the way he fit in, the role he was supposed to play, and he’d thought he’d found it by staying home and being the anchor.

“Bex?”

She turned back to the Archers and saw Emily coming toward her, wiping at her eyes. “I’m so sorry for what we did.”

Had they really brought her here only to keep Hayden home? “Did you want us to get back together, or was that just something you said?” Because if they’d used her as a lure and then expected that she and Hayden wouldn’t get back together, that was pretty damn cold.

Emily winced. “I did want that.” She looked back at her husband, who came forward to join her. “Rob did, too.”

Bex shook her head, emotion roiling through her—confusion, anger, despair for Hayden. “I don’t understand. I broke up with Hayden five years ago and left. Why would you think we could possibly get back together?”

“We knew Hayden still loved you,” Rob said. “And we hoped you might still love him, too.”

She couldn’t shake the fact that their primary goal had been to get Hayden to stay in Ribbon Ridge. Maybe if Rob had said, “We believed you’d be happy together,” she wouldn’t feel so . . . disgusted.

She went into her office and grabbed her purse, intent on trying to find Hayden to tell him . . . what, that she understood? That she’d been right to try to get him to leave five years ago?

Tori came in behind her. “Hey, Bex, you can’t go after him. Not right now.”

Bex kept her head down. “I know.”

Everyone else crammed inside, with Rob and Emily hanging back near the doorway.

“We’ll let him cool off,” Kyle said, sounding way more serious than normal. “We’ll talk to him later.”

This lit a fire in Bex’s gut. She looked up at Kyle, at all of them. “What will you say? ‘Sorry you feel left out’? Or maybe, ‘We never realized you felt that way’? Think long and hard before you stick your feet in your mouths. Help him figure out where he belongs— show him he’s a vital part of this family.”

She wished she could tell them exactly what to do, but she didn’t know. She only knew she wanted to take his pain away.

Tori’s face was pale and tense as she nodded at Bex. “We will.”

Bex turned and left. As soon as she stepped outside, she gulped air. After a moment, her heart rate began to slow, and she felt a little better. Instead of going to her car, she walked to the bench that she could see from her office window and sat down.

The garden around her was alive with beauty and scent. The sun was heading toward the horizon, the sky beginning to dazzle itself for the sunset. She just wanted to sit for a minute and think. No, she actually didn’t want to think.

Footsteps on the crushed-shell path forced her head up. Liam came toward her. “Can I sit?”

She wanted to say no, but she didn’t. Instead she said nothing.

He sat anyway. “The shitty part is that he doesn’t feel that different than a lot of us do. Trying to find your place in such a big group is hard.”

She didn’t look at him. “Didn’t seem that tough for you.”

“Actually, I was hesitant to come back to Ribbon Ridge permanently, even with Alex gone. Did you know I stayed away because of him? We had this mutual agreement—I could pretty much have the entire world, but Ribbon Ridge was his.”

She glanced at him then. “This is why I left five years ago. Or at least, one of the reasons. You people are crazy.”

He smiled briefly. “Probably. Definitely. I saw that everyone had come home, found their niche, fell in love . . . I couldn’t see myself doing that. So from that perspective I understand where he’s coming from. I tried to bond with him over it, in fact, but I think he thought I was trying to fill the void that Alex left behind. He said something to that effect, but I didn’t realize how serious he was.” He looked at her sadly. “The reality is that no one can fill that space.”

She agreed with him wholeheartedly.

He leaned back against the bench and stretched out his legs. “And I don’t know, maybe subconsciously I was doing that.” He fell silent for a minute then straightened, pulling his legs up. “We were all pretty messed up after Alex’s suicide.”

She turned her body to look at him. “How was Hayden?”

Liam blew out a breath. “The truth? I don’t know. I was too wrapped up in my own shit.” He cast her a self-deprecating glance. “That’s not an excuse, by the way. It just is what it is. I think we all could’ve done a better job of supporting each other, but we sure made it damn hard. Tori closed herself off completely. Kyle tried to bottom out with his gambling addiction. Sara threw herself into a relationship—which thankfully worked out. And Evan . . . well, we could learn a lot from Evan.” He finished this with a smile.

“I think finding out how Hayden has dealt with this is important. Your mom spent time with him in France. Maybe she can shed some light. Maybe together—as a family—you can figure out how to bring Hayden into the fold.”

Liam cocked his head to the side, his blue-gray eyes focused with laser-sharp intent. “You say that like he was never in the fold.”

Bex lifted a shoulder. “I don’t know that he feels like he was. When we were together, he made offhand comments about being the ‘oops’ kid, the afterthought, the one most likely to be forgotten at the grocery store.”

Liam grimaced. “I know. We made those same jokes. I never realized they were cutting deep.”

“Then, when I suggested we leave Ribbon Ridge together—spend a few years finding ourselves—he was adamant that he couldn’t, that he was needed here. I think he needed to be here.” And how she wished she’d realized that. He’d spread his wings when it had been the right time for him. But maybe that was why they hadn’t worked five years ago. They’d been in different places. Maybe now they could work. She honestly didn’t care where they lived. She’d follow him to the ends of the earth to be with him.

Problem was, he probably didn’t want her to.

Liam turned away from her and stared straight ahead. “Any ideas on what we do now?”

She wished she knew. “Not really. I don’t think I’m much help to you.”

He gave her a sideways look. “You’re that certain he’s over you?”

“He told me so.”

The corner of Liam’s mouth ticked up. “Remember, he’s a guy. We’re not so great at realizing shit that’s right in front of us, especially when we’re doing our damnedest to keep people at bay. Which, I think, has been Hayden’s goal all along. I think you hit the nail on the head when you asked how he dealt with Alex. His death changed all of our lives, but we’ve all managed to find our way home—and I mean that in the emotional as well as physical sense.”

She thought she understood. They’d all found their footing again, while Hayden was still floating out there. “You’re saying I shouldn’t give up?” She thought of Alaina’s advice to fight for what she wanted.

Liam stood. “I wouldn’t. If Aubrey woke up tomorrow and told me she didn’t love me anymore, I’d do whatever I could to change her mind. After I got out of the fetal position, that is.”

Bex smiled in spite of her black mood. There, sparking in the back of her despondent mind, was the faintest bit of hope. “Thanks, I’ll think about it.”

He nodded. “And hey, don’t be a stranger—however this all falls out.”

If she and Hayden were truly done, she didn’t think she could keep up any relationships with these people. It would be too hard, too painful. The old Bex, the one for whom emotional outreach was difficult, would turn tail and run. But now she wanted to try.

And maybe she and Hayden weren’t done. Maybe he could find his place—with her. She wouldn’t know unless she gave it a shot. It was time to take the emotional risk.

What did she have to lose?

Hayden was already on his second beer and third shot of tequila by the time Cameron showed up at Ruckus, the dive bar on the outskirts of town. He sat at a table in the corner and vaguely wondered if he ought to eat something to soak up the alcohol.

Cam sat down and stared at him. “Shit, what happened to you?”

“Not much. Just told my family to fuck off basically.”

The server came over, and Cam ordered a beer and some sliders. “I’m guessing you need to eat,” he said.

Hayden waved his hand. “Whatever.”

Cam settled back in his chair and got comfortable. “What’d they do?”

“Typical family garbage—they tried to use Bex to get me to move back to Ribbon Ridge.”

Cam snorted. “Did they forget you guys aren’t together anymore?”

“I guess.”

Now Cam frowned. “Except you did fall right back into bed with her, so maybe they know more than you do.”

Hayden glared at his best friend. “Fuck off.”

Cam held up his hands. “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to be a dick. My bad. But I did tell you to steer clear of her.”

“So you did.” Hayden took another drink of beer, wishing he’d listened to Cam’s advice. Why had he even needed it? Bex had left him a broken mess five years ago. He should’ve been able to get over her and never look back. Instead, he’d carried a torch and now had to question if he’d ever really gotten over her at all.

Hayden kept his gaze fixed on his beer on the table. “I never told you why she left.”

The server dropped off Cam’s beer, and he took a sip. “Sure you did. She wanted you to move out of Ribbon Ridge so she could have you all to herself. Your family gave her hives or something.”

“They made her feel claustrophobic .” Looking back, given his own experiences, he couldn’t really blame her. That might not have been the best word, but he couldn’t think of one to describe the feeling that came from being the object of extreme meddling. “But that was only part of it.”

Hayden’s gut clenched. Did he really want to share this? On the way over, he’d been thinking of how good it felt to just unload everything. Why not this, too?

“She was pregnant.” He picked up his beer and took a long pull.

Cam had also taken a drink and worked not to spew it everywhere. He ended up coughing.

“Sorry,” Hayden said.

Cam clacked his pint glass on the table. “ Dude. What happened?”

Hayden peered at him over his beer. “We didn’t plan it, obviously.”

“Can’t imagine you did.”

“She was about six weeks along when we figured it out. Threw us both for a loop.” His mind went back to the stress of that time. They’d been fighting about leaving Ribbon Ridge, and he’d been afraid the end was in sight. Then she’d gotten pregnant, and the tension had shifted. “It wasn’t that we didn’t want it. We just hadn’t expected it.”

Cam was watching him intently. “Were you happy?”

“Scared to death is probably a better description, but yeah, I wanted to have a family with her.”

“I can’t believe you never mentioned it. All those times we talked about her—how you wished it had worked out and didn’t think you’d ever find another woman like her . . . and you never told me.”

Hayden gave him an apologetic look. “We’d agreed to keep it between us. I took that promise seriously.”

Cam shook his head. “So wait. Back up. What happened to the baby?”

“She lost it.”

Cam exhaled sharply. “Sorry, man.”

He could end the story there. That was enough, wasn’t it? Except it wasn’t. His guilt didn’t want to be silent anymore. It was apparently tired of festering deep inside him. Hayden turned his pint glass on the table, the smooth glass rubbing against his thumb and fingertips. He stared into the pale amber liquid. “Do you remember when I ran my old Jeep off the road?”

“Of course. You loved that car, and it had to be totaled.”

He’d bought that car when he’d started college. It had been old and beat up, but perfect for off-roading and camping, things he rarely did, but always wanted to be prepared for. After the accident, he knew it would remind him of what they’d lost, of what he’d caused. “It wasn’t totaled actually. I just didn’t want it back so I sold it. Bex and I were arguing one night on our way back from Portland. It was raining. I slid on that S-curve on Bell Road, and we went into the ditch.”

Cam’s eyes widened. “ Shit. She miscarried.”

Hayden drank a good third of his beer. Almost time for another. And maybe a fourth shot. Or was it a fifth? Whatever.

Cam reached across the table and clasped Hayden’s forearm. “No wonder you were so beat up.”

“Yeah, I guess. We never told anyone what happened. She spent the night in the hospital, but she had a minor concussion so that’s what everyone knew.” Hayden, on the other hand, had walked away pretty much unscathed. At least physically. “She said she couldn’t stay, and she left town a week later.”

Cam frowned. “She blamed you for what happened.”

Hayden stared at his beer. “Maybe. I don’t know. I just know that I blamed me.”

“I never understood why you weren’t mad at her for leaving. I got that you were hurt, but not like torch-the-earth mad.”

Hayden squinted at him. “Like you were with Jennifer?”

“You are not supposed to say her name,” Cam practically growled before taking a long hit of his beer.

Jennifer had been Cam’s college girlfriend. She’d lived in Portland, but she and Cam had kept up their relationship after graduating. Or so Cam had thought. He’d come to find out that she had another boyfriend, one who asked her to marry him with a giant diamond and a brand-new BMW. Since Cam had been about to pop the question himself, the betrayal had cut hard and deep. He hadn’t been the same since, and Hayden doubted he’d ever trust another woman, especially to get married.

Hayden didn’t blame him. Looking back, he’d had a hard time trusting anyone too, and as a result, hadn’t been open to any lasting relationships. He hadn’t gone about it in the same way—Cam still fervently and consistently refused to date anyone seriously while Hayden had quietly kept his romantic interactions short and sweet.

“Look at us, a couple of guys who just can’t trust women,” Hayden said.

“Amen, brother.” Cam picked up his glass and tapped it against Hayden’s before taking a sip. “I’m glad to hear you’re done with her for good. I was worried for a minute there, especially when Jamie said he saw you coming out of the woods holding hands at the campout. You know what they say, ‘If you give a girl your heart, she’ll stomp it into the ground.’ ”

Hayden chuckled. “That’s your saying, douche bag.” He’d never thought about that happening to him again, maybe because his heart had never really been available. Because it had belonged to Bex all along. He probably would’ve gotten over her—he’d been getting there when he came back for Sara’s wedding—but then he’d seen her again. Spent time with her. Went to bed with her. Laughed with her.

But now she was gone. Or would be soon. Unless he stopped her.

“She told me she loved me.”

Cam’s brows arched. “Do you believe her?”

“Damn, you’re such a cynic. Why would she lie?”

“Maybe your parents put her up to it? You said they brought her here to get you to move back home.”

Hayden was pissed at them and probably would be for a while, but he didn’t think they’d go that far. But, hell, how could he really know?

He finished his beer. He didn’t know if he could risk any of it again—his family, Bex, any sort of close relationship. He was better off on his own, away from people and situations that might hurt him. “Cam, I’m going back to France.”

Cam had finished his beer and now slammed the empty glass on the table. “ What? What about our winery, dick-for-brains?”

Damn, the alcohol was catching up with Hayden. “Sorry, not for good. I need to go and get the rest of my stuff, move out of the house, all that shit. And Gabrielle wants to talk to me in person.”

Cam grinned. “Excellent plan. Get right back on the horse. Then when you come home, we’ll hit the town.” He rubbed his hands together. “Just like before you left.”

“Sounds great.” It didn’t really. Not now anyway. But it would. Hayden was bound and determined to come back to Ribbon Ridge with his head on straight and a new lease on life. Without his family breathing down his neck. Without Bex. “Just do me a favor and let me stay with you.”

“Tonight?”

Hayden nodded. “And when I get back. Then when Amos and his wife move out of the house at Quail Crest, I’ll take that until I find something.”

“You might have to share it with Jamie. He’s itching to get out of our parents’ house. When are you going to France?”

Hayden looked at his empty beer glass and decided it was a metaphor for exactly how he was feeling right now. Shit, but he was a melancholy drunk tonight. “As soon as I can get a flight.”