Homesick

Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9

B lake and I had developed a solid routine over the past few days. I would get off work before he did, so I would get the chores started and he would finish them. Most days I wouldn’t stick around, but I found myself lingering more and more.

Emma was right about the magnet effect. I still felt an immense pull to him no matter how much he had shattered that bridge in the past. I always had questions on the tip of my tongue because no matter how much I wanted distance, I also wanted to know how his life had turned out over the years.

I did know that he was working as an assistant to our local veterinarian, but it felt weird to pry any further. It was an odd feeling knowing so little about someone I had considered my person once. No one talks about the estranged feeling you share with an ex. I know everything about him, yet I don’t know anything at all.

I often found myself zoning out, wondering if his favorite meal was still spaghetti or if he still got anxious when he heard that first rumble of thunder in the distance. I also found myself zoning out over more intimate things as well. Thoughts that would fester as soon as I saw his t-shirt hike up just a little or a bead of sweat fall down his brow from overexerting himself.

Damn I need to get laid , I tell myself as I snap out of my daydream. I had just gotten home from work and changed into my farm clothes. Blake wouldn’t be here for at least another hour, so I had plenty of time to scrub my mind of unsavory thoughts.

I head over to the calf barn to start my long list of chores. I liked to start in the calf barn because I could see my little buddy, Mocha. All the calves got extra excited when I came barreling in with a bucket of grain, but he always stayed back because he knew he’d get his own special bucket.

After I fill up the first few troughs, I head into Mocha’s pen, and he comes excitedly barreling toward me. I plant both of my legs and prepare myself for him to headbutt the bucket I’m holding. Most calves take a while to adjust to their wobbly legs and Mocha is no exception. I can’t contain my smile when he lets out little huffs of contentment between bites.

After finishing up with Mocha and the rest of the babies, I head over to the other barn and start cleaning out some of the stalls.

I pick up one of the shovels hanging out in the corner of the barn and get to work. On days like this, I appreciate meticulous work on the farm. I don’t need to think. All I need to do is clean. It seems silly, but it gives my mind a chance to rest.

Once I’m satisfied with the last stall, I take a second to admire my work before pushing the full wheelbarrow out of the barn. Just as I’m about to exit the stall, I bump my shovel and it falls, flicking up remnants of the fun surprise I just finished scraping off the floor.

I groan inwardly and take a deep breath before picking up the fallen shovel. Just as I’m about to turn around, I notice some old scratches in the wood on the side of the stall. I lean in closer to get a better look.

My hand reaches out and grazes over two forgotten initials marked in the wood. My pulse quickens at an old memory hitting me harder than I expected.

When we were barely thirteen, Blake was helping me with my chores, and it was one of the rare moments we were alone together. I went to go grab another shovel and when I came back, Blake had his pocketknife out carving away. At first, I was worried my father would find out and I would get my ass beat, but then I saw what he was writing.

“Why our initials?” I asked after he was done.

All he did was smirk and reply, “I want you to remember the first time I tell you that I like you.”

I remember feeling on cloud nine in that moment. It wasn’t until a few years later that he asked me to be his girlfriend, but that moment always sat in the back of my head.

My eyes prickle with tears as I let the memory wash over me. One of the reasons why I didn’t come home for the longest time was I was scared of uncovering memories like this one.

I go to trace the tiny initials one more time when I hear Blake’s truck in the distance. I jump up from my spot on the floor and get back to my chores before he catches me reminiscing.

When I exit the barn, Blake is there waiting to intercept me. “Hey.”

“Hi,” I squeak out. “I just finished up in here. I have to dump this load and I’ll be done for the day.”

“Okay,” he replies before giving me a once over. My eyes are now dry, but I can still feel where the tears were threatening to fall. I have a feeling he can see them, too. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

Before I can run to the nearest safe space, he reels me back in and says, “oh shoot, I almost forgot. Can you help me with one little thing before you leave?”

I agree and follow him to one of the bigger barns where some of the cows have already begun to settle in for the night. I notice he’s carrying a medium-sized bag that looks like something that would hold medical supplies. “What’s in the bag?” I ask out of curiosity.

“Just some supplies. I need to give a few of the cows their boosters.”

“Oh, okay. Not to sound rude, but what do you need me for?”

“I just need you to be a distraction while I poke them. I can usually do this by myself, but this group is especially jumpy.”

I continue to follow him as we approach a group of cows who are fresh off mating season. They’re all lazily chewing on hay, completely oblivious to the needle about to go in their necks. I’m a little queasy myself even though I’ve seen it done hundreds of times growing up. I still can’t get stuck with any sort of needle without my mom nearby.

We walk up to the first cow, and I begin to pet her head while Blake gets his syringe ready. The first few cows are easy, and they barely notice when he inserts the needle. I look away each time because I’m notorious for almost passing out anytime I see a sharp medical object.

After a few more patients, I work up the nerve to ask some of the questions burning a hole in my mind. “How long have you’ve been doing this for?”

Blake stops what he’s doing and looks up at me with his head slightly tilted. If I knew any better, he’s surprised I’m asking him something personal. Trust me, I’m just as surprised as he is.

He clears his throat and I notice his Adam’s apple bob up and down slightly. Who knew that could be sexy? I blink and shake my head to get rid of the intrusive thoughts swirling around in my brain.

“When I didn’t end up going to that college, I decided to take some online classes until I knew what I wanted to do. I was pretty sure I wanted to go for nursing, but I took some gen eds to be safe. After the semester had ended,” he pauses as he tries to articulate his next thought. “I knew you’d be moving back home from school . . . so I spent the summer with one of my cousins down in Pennsylvania. He’s a large animal veterinarian so he hired me on as his assistant and let me shadow him. Long story short, I realized I liked working with animals better and I decided to start taking classes to become a veterinarian.”

Coward , I say to myself. The only problem is he isn’t the only coward in this room. I worked my ass off during freshman year to secure an internship for the summer so I wouldn’t have to come home. Honey Grove missed both of us that year.

I’m tempted to give up this game of hardball I’d been playing and talk to him like we were old friends again. It was tempting to fall back into old patterns, but I still felt every drop of sadness and grief I’d experienced during our break-up. The pain was dull, but it was still there. I’d never gotten closure all those years ago, but I wasn’t eager to open that door again.

Blake must notice the change in my demeanor because he continues his story. “After I finished my degree online, I needed to get some experience under my belt. I was lucky enough to get a job with the local vet. My plan is to go back to school and become a large animal veterinarian like my cousin.”

“Sounds like you’re on the right track then,” I say, switching my focus back to the cows. I could easily understand why Blake liked working with animals so much. They were the best and cheapest therapy I’ve ever had.

Whenever I was in my feels as a kid, I would run out to the pasture and share all my woes with the closest cow or bull in exchange for a snack. At this moment, I’m meant to be support for the cow, but I think they’re helping me more than I’m, helping them. Every time I feel Blake’s stare linger for too long, I divert my attention toward the big furry creature in front of me.

The more cows Blake vaccinates, the more I wonder if he really needs me here. So far, we’ve gotten through most of the herd with zero issues. There were a few fussy mamas, but they all calmed down as soon as Blake started petting their side. The way his hands worked so smoothly as he went along was almost mesmerizing. He really did have a way with animals. Women . . . not so much.

“Well, that’s the last one,” he says while starting to load up his bag. “Thanks for your help.”

“You’re welcome. What are work acquaintances for?”

He looks up from his bag and makes sure to make direct eye contact as a faint smile paints his face. “I have a question for you now.”

I nervously clasp my fingers behind my back and rock back and forth like a child waiting to be punished. “Yes?” I know I shouldn’t engage with him, but this is a part of working together. I can’t ignore him the whole summer like a . . . coward .

“You’ve managed to avoid this town for the past six years or so. Why come home now?”

“I got laid off and couldn’t find anything else. Naturally, my final option was moving home. I thought you already knew all this.”

“Yes, I did. But that still doesn’t answer my question. Not really.”

“Why don’t you enlighten me on how to answer your question then, Blake,” I snap. I make sure to enunciate his name at the end of my statement, adding an extra bite.

“Feel free to correct me, but you’ve always had this determined spirit about you.” I raise my eyebrows as a gesture for him to continue his point. “For example, when you didn’t make the volleyball team in middle school, you didn’t give up. Instead, you nagged the coach until he let you be the equipment manager. Eventually, he started letting you run drills and soon enough you were on the team.

“Anyways, what I’m trying to say is the Wren I know doesn’t give up that easily. If you truly wanted to find another job in the city, you would have.”

At some point during his mini speech, he moved closer to me. His proximity makes me extremely aware of my own heartbeat which seems to pump faster the closer he gets. I can’t even begin to contemplate his accusatory tone, but it doesn’t come off as hostile, it comes off as caring.

“It’s honestly not that complicated. I ran out of money and luckily for me, I have a room at Mom and Dad’s free of charge.”

“I don’t buy it,” he challenges.

For some reason, I find myself responding to his abrasiveness. Goosebumps start to prickle up my skin and I can feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I swallow hard before responding. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m not having a heart to heart with you. I barely know you anymore.”

Those last five words stifle the fire in Blake’s eyes. He takes a step back, almost as if he finally sees the steel wall standing between the two of us. I feel my heart slump over from the heaviness weighing it down. I could have easily played into his hand, but the aftermath was just too uncertain to trust at this moment.

I use the silence between us as my chance to exit. “Umm, I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

I speed walk toward the house and try to block out everything he just said. Even if he’s right, I can’t change the past. He should know that better than anyone.