Hook, Line and Single

Chapter 11

11

‘What made you change your mind?’ Sam asks. ‘I thought you said wild horses wouldn’t drag you here.’

‘Yeah, but then I met Guido.’ I tell her about feeling a bit out of place at the sail away party, and Guido’s come-on. She’s reassuringly horrified.

‘He sounds like a total loser,’ she asserts when I’ve finished telling the story.

‘Yeah, I was a bit creeped out, so I decided to come and hang out here for safety. How have you been getting on?’

She lowers her voice. ‘What did you make of Brad?’

‘Not much. He seems very pleased with himself.’

‘Ugh.’ She wrinkles her nose. ‘I must have been talking to him for nearly quarter of an hour. Actually, scrap that. He was talking to me for quarter of an hour. How many questions do you think he asked me, besides my name?’

I smile. ‘Brad seems like the kind of guy who could happily monologue about himself for hours, so I’m going to guess none.’

‘Yup. God, he was dull. Anyway, then I moved on to Chris.’

‘Was he the one you were talking to just now?’

‘Yes. He did have the decency to ask a couple of questions, at least.’

‘He seemed very taken with your chest, from what I was able to see. Every time he thought you weren’t looking, he was staring at your cleavage.’

‘Yeah, I spotted that. I wanted to grab his chin, lift it up and say, “Oi, mate. My eyes are up here, on my face.” He’s not the first person to do it though, so I’m not going to hold it against him.’

‘He might like that.’

‘What?’

‘You “holding” it against him.’

‘Eeuw. Anyway, slim pickings so far, but there are plenty of other fish in this pond, so I’m still optimistic.’ She glances at my chest. ‘I thought you were going to get Barry to give you a red badge?’

I sigh. ‘I tried. Turns out red badges are only for people who’ve coupled up with someone else in the group.’

‘Really? It didn’t mention that in the handbook.’

‘Barry’s rules, apparently.’

‘Hmm. Well, I’m glad you came. Shall we go and get something to eat?’

Before we have a chance to make our escape, Barry claps his hands to try to get everyone’s attention. It takes a few goes before everyone is silent and he can make his announcement.

‘Right, lovely singles,’ he yells. ‘Hopefully you’ve started to get to know each other a little, because we’re going to up the ante tomorrow. When you’re back from your shore excursions, we’re all going to assemble in here for a game of Blind Date.’

‘Uh-oh,’ I murmur to Sam.

‘It will take the same format as the famous TV show, hosted by the peerless Dame Cilla Black,’ Barry continues. ‘How many of you know it?’

Only a couple of hands go up.

‘Dear Lord, talk about a blast from the past. Do you remember it?’ Sam says to me.

‘Yes. My parents were avid watchers back in the day.’

‘The format is simple,’ Barry explains. ‘I will be choosing one woman and one man at random from those of you with green badges. You will need to bring along three searching questions to ask your potential matches. I’ll also be picking three ladies and three gentlemen to be the potential blind dates. You’ll be behind a screen so you can’t be seen, and you’ll need to answer the questions in as romantic a fashion as you can. At the end, the person asking the questions will get to choose one of you to go on a blind date. I’ve organised for the two lucky couples to do a Godfather movie tour from Messina. You’ll be collected from the port and taken to Savoca to see the filming location for the wedding, as well as a number of other iconic locations used in the movie. I’ve even thrown in a sumptuous lunch, so it’s a prize worth winning. Before I let you go, do any of you amber badges want to change colour so you’ve got a chance of being included?’

Sam grabs my hand and tries feverishly to shove it in the air, but I’m too strong for her, thankfully. A couple of hands do go up though, and Barry delightedly hands over green badges.

‘OK, lovely people,’ he chants. ‘Enjoy your dinner, have a fabulous time in Naples tomorrow, and I’ll see you back here for our fun and games at 6p.m. sharp. Contestants, I’ll let you know if I’ve selected you by leaving a note in the holder outside your cabin before ten tonight. Good luck, everyone!’

‘Do you think Barry is like a clown?’ Sam asks me as we start to make our way towards the main dining room. We deliberately held back until Brad had left so we could keep an eye on him and make sure we didn’t end up sitting with him.

‘How do you mean?’

‘He’s so relentlessly cheerful, like he’s on happy pills or something. Do you think he’s secretly crying inside?’

‘Maybe he just loves his job. I wonder how many couples actually come out of these things?’

‘There must be some. I mean, how many of us are there? Thirty?’

‘I’d say nearer fifty.’

‘Statistically, I’d think you’d get at least one couple out of that lot, wouldn’t you?’

* * *

By the time I woke this morning, the ship was already docked, but I’d felt beautifully refreshed after one of the best nights’ sleep I think I’ve had in ages. Sadly, the same couldn’t be said for Sam, who’d sounded distinctly groggy when I’d called her to check she was awake. Thankfully, after a shower and breakfast from the buffet, washed down with copious amounts of coffee, plus the discovery of a note from Barry informing her she’d been picked for Blind Date, she’d perked up and we’d been just in time to join the Pompeii tour. My heart had sunk a little when I’d spotted Brad on the bus, but thankfully he’d already collared some other poor victim and I’d smiled as I passed his seat and overheard him telling her that he’d lived in Rome for a year and was pretty much fluent in Italian. I don’t know whether she’s a part of our group or not, but she already looked desperate to escape him.

‘So, my questions,’ Sam says to me as we stand in the Forum gazing towards the temple of Jupiter. ‘According to the information from Barry, each one has to tell them something about my life, and then I have to ask them how they feel about it. For example, “I’m very close to my parents. What would you do to impress my mum and dad if I took you home to meet them?”’

I giggle as a memory comes to me. ‘Probably not be groping you when they walked into the sitting room.’

She claps her hand to her mouth. ‘I’d forgotten about that. That was Micky in sixth form. I don’t know who was the most embarrassed out of the four of us.’

‘I wish I’d been there.’

‘It was mortifying, especially the way he stood up and said, “Nice to meet you, Mr and Mrs Thorncroft,” with his erection clearly visible through his trousers. Dad just looked at his outstretched hand and said, “Son, if that’s been where I suspect it’s been, I have no intention of shaking it.” He never came near my house again and we broke up shortly after that.’

‘Did your parents ever say anything?’

‘Nope. What could they have said? “That boy we found with his hand in your knickers seemed absolutely charming, when are you going to invite him round properly?” I think we all just wanted to pretend it had never happened. Anyway, we’re getting off topic. What questions am I going to ask?’

We ponder the matter in silence as we pass the temple and head for the Forum baths.

‘It must have been an amazing place,’ Sam murmurs. ‘I just can’t get my head around the fact that all these people woke up, expecting a normal day, and then boom. All over. It makes you realise how precious life is, don’t you think?’

‘Perhaps you should put that in one of your questions,’ I offer. ‘I spent today in Pompeii and it made me realise how precious life is. Where do you feel most alive and why?’

She stops and stares at me. ‘That’s brilliant! I knew you’d be good at this. Hang on, let me write that down.’ She pulls out her phone and launches an app, typing in the question. ‘Two more to go.’

‘One of them ought to focus on the handsomest cat in Margate, don’t you think? So instead of asking what they’d do to impress your mum and dad, you could ask what they’d do to impress Samson.’

‘You’re on a roll,’ she enthuses, typing the question into her app.

* * *

By the time we get back to the ship, late in the afternoon, Sam is decidedly pink from the sun despite her sunhat and liberal application of factor 50, which gives us our final question. I can’t believe that I’m actually quite looking forward to watching her strut her stuff at tonight’s singles event, but then these things are probably more fun as a spectator.

When we get to the Nautilus lounge, Barry is already a whirling dervish of excitement and organisation. A large screen has been erected at the rear of the room to prevent the interviewers from seeing the people they’re going to be questioning, but we’re amused to find that the other interviewer is Brad.

‘Whoever he picks is in for the dullest date in the history of time,’ Sam remarks when he’s safely out of earshot. ‘Still, at least I know that whoever I pick won’t be him, so that’s something to be thankful for.’

‘I suspect the accent and voice would have given it away.’

‘Sam, darling girl,’ Barry coos as he bustles over. ‘I need to take you and Brad to another room while we set up in here. Have you got a drink? Good. Come with me. You look stunning, by the way, so gorgeous.’

It may be a long time since I’ve seen the show, but I have to admit that Barry does an excellent job as host, channelling Cilla Black to perfection. Three men are carefully secreted behind the screen before Sam is brought in to wild applause.

‘Your friend seems to be entering into the spirit of it,’ a British voice says next to me. I turn to see a man who’s probably a few years older than me, with light brown hair and hazel eyes set either side of what would have been a perfect Roman nose had it obviously not been broken at some point. His lips are surprisingly full for a man, but they suit him somehow. I would describe him as striking rather than just ‘good looking’ and, like me, he’s wearing an amber badge.

‘Cameron,’ he says, offering me his large hand.

‘Ruby,’ I reply politely. ‘And yes, this is Sam’s idea of heaven. She’s a hopeless romantic, so this will play to all her strengths.’

‘OK, quiet, please, ladies and gentlemen,’ Barry calls, waving his arms to try to quell the din. ‘We’re ready to start. Sam, would you read your first question.’

‘Certainly, Barry,’ Sam simpers coquettishly, drawing a muted cheer of approval from the audience. ‘My first question is this. I spent today in Pompeii with my best friend, and the tragedy that unfolded there made me realise how precious life is and how we should seize every moment and live it to the full. Where do you feel most alive, and why?’

‘Great question, Sam,’ Barry enthuses. ‘Who would you like to answer it first?’

‘Number one, I think.’

‘OK. Gentleman number one, please answer Sam’s question.’

‘Hi, Sam,’ a deep voice with a strong Welsh accent says from behind the screen. ‘You sound like a lady who knows how to enjoy herself. Pick me tonight, and I’ll show you such a good time I promise you’ll die with a smile on your lips when your turn comes.’

There’s a mixture of groaning and applause from the audience at the cheesiness of the response.

‘Number two, please?’ Sam calls.

‘Hi, Sam. I love the sound of your voice, so I know that I’d feel most alive wherever you were.’

‘Oo, bit needy,’ Cameron murmurs as the audience applauds.

‘And number three,’ Sam announces.

‘Hi, Sam. I was also in Pompeii today, and I know exactly what you mean. Life is as fragile today as it was when Vesuvius erupted. That’s why I’ve taken the plunge and come on this cruise and, if you pick me, I promise I won’t waste any of your precious time.’

‘Oh, good answer,’ I say to Cameron.

‘Question two,’ Sam announces. ‘I share a flat with my best friend and the handsomest cat in Kent. If I brought you home to meet them, what would you do to create a good impression? I’d like number two to answer this one first.’

‘Well, Sam,’ the voice says. ‘I’m more of a dog person myself but it’s a well-known fact that cats and dogs can live in perfect harmony as long as the cat is in charge. So, if you’re happy to take control, I’ll be right at your heel.’

‘Eeuww,’ I say to Cameron. ‘She won’t like that. Not only did he not answer the question, but she’s really not into submissive men.’

‘I’ll take your word for it,’ he replies with a smile.

‘Number one. What’s your answer?’ Sam asks.

‘I love cats, Sam, and I’d be happy to stroke your pussy all night if it made you happy.’

The audience groans at the double-entendre, and I can see Sam rolling her eyes theatrically at Barry.

‘Moving on swiftly, number three,’ Sam calls.

‘I’ve got a cat myself, so I know they need time and space to warm up to you. To begin with, I’d focus on getting to know your friend, until the cat felt ready to come and talk to me.’

‘Oh, he’s good,’ Cameron says. ‘I’m not sure he’s got the humour part, but they’re nice answers.’

‘Final question,’ Sam calls. ‘I’m a redhead, so I burn easily in the sun. What would you do to protect me? Number one.’ I can see her bracing herself for the answer and, when it comes, she’s proved absolutely right.

‘That’s easy,’ the voice says. ‘Firstly, if you pick me, we won’t be leaving your cabin so you won’t need to worry about the sun. However, we’ll have such a sizzling time that I can’t guarantee you won’t get some carpet burns.’

‘Dear God,’ I murmur to Cameron. ‘I didn’t think that people like him still existed. Actually, scrap that. I have met a few of his type, mainly Sam’s exes.’

‘Hmm. Number two?’ Sam asks.

‘I also burn really easily, and I’d be happy to share my suncream, and anything else, with you.’

‘Number three?’

‘I think the trick is not to spend too much time in the sun. So I’d plan regular breaks for coffee, maybe a long lunch in the shade, ice creams, and a cocktail by the pool at the end of the day. Maybe even a dip to cool off if we’re both feeling hot and bothered.’

‘That brings us to the end of your questions,’ Barry announces. ‘You’ll be spending a dream day with one of these men tomorrow. Which is it going to be?’

‘Easy decision,’ Sam tells him with a smile. ‘I pick number three.’

‘And that’s our Robin, from Surrey. Come round, Robin, and meet your date.’

As Robin appears, I recognise him from the first bio I looked at in the booklet. Sam is evidently delighted as she practically throws herself into his arms.

‘May I ask a presumptuous question?’ Cameron says as the audience whoops and cheers.

‘As long as I reserve the right not to answer it,’ I reply.

‘I couldn’t help noticing your amber badge and, if I understand the traffic light system properly, that means that, like me, you’re not looking for a relationship at the moment.’

‘That’s right.’

‘Do you mind me asking what you’re planning to do now that your friend is going to be off with Robin tomorrow?’

‘I don’t know. I confess I hadn’t really thought about it.’

‘Tell me to get lost if you like, but I don’t have any concrete plans either, so if you’d like to buddy up to see Messina, I’d be more than happy to accompany you for the day. You’d be doing me a favour, actually. There’s a lady over there called Ashleigh who I suspect has definite designs on me, despite my amber badge, so I could do with rescuing.’

My first reaction is to do what I would normally do and tell him that Ashleigh isn’t my problem and I’ll be just fine by myself, thank you very much, but I look into his face and I’m certain that, unlike slimy Guido, he’s not trying it on. And, although we’ve only exchanged a few words this evening, he seems easy to talk to.

‘Sure,’ I say recklessly, giving him a smile. ‘Why not?’