Chapter 13
13
‘All right, lovely singles,’ Barry yells over the hubbub of conversation in the Nautilus lounge. ‘I’m sure we’re all desperate to find out how our Blind Date couples got on before we get into tonight’s event. Where are Brad and Gail? Come out, don’t be shy.’
Brad steps forward confidently, dragging a somewhat reluctant-looking Gail by the hand.
‘There you are,’ Barry cries ecstatically as if he hasn’t seen them for years. ‘So, Brad, tell us about your date.’
‘We’ve had the best day,’ Brad says. ‘I feel such a connection to Sicily, having spent a considerable amount of time in Rome before. We really enjoyed seeing some of the locations from the iconic Godfather movie, and I was able to impress Gail with my grasp of Italian over lunch.’
‘She doesn’t look that impressed to me,’ a familiar voice says in my ear, and I smile as I turn to Cameron. On my other side, Sam is thankfully oblivious, as her attention is completely focused on Robin.
‘She doesn’t, does she,’ I reply quietly. ‘Look at the vice-like grip he’s got on her hand. Probably the only way to stop her escaping.’
‘And what about you, Gail? Did you have a good day?’ Barry asks.
‘Not really,’ she says, flashing a contemptuous look at Brad and forcibly removing her hand from his.
‘Oh dear. Have you got any advice for Brad in his next encounter?’
‘Yes. Talk about yourself less, and maybe find out a bit about the other person. If you’d bothered to do that, you’d have learned that I’m actually fluent in Italian myself and there’s more to the language than just sticking random vowels onto the ends of English words.’
‘Ouch, that’s got to hurt,’ I murmur to Cameron. ‘Calling out his linguistic ability in front of everyone.’
‘Mmm. It seems our Brad may not be such a cunning linguist as he thinks.’
‘I see what you did there, dirty boy.’
‘Sorry. It was too good a joke to resist.’
‘I’m really not sure it was.’
‘So,’ Barry asks, adopting a wistful expression. ‘It seems like love didn’t blossom on this occasion. Brad, is there anything you’d like to say to Gail?’
‘Yeah. I’m sorry you didn’t have a good time, Gail. I think you’re an amazing lady, and I wish you all the best, genuinely.’
Her expression softens. ‘You’re not a bad man either, Brad. Just work on the feedback I’ve given, will you? You’re enough as you are; you don’t need the bullshit to make yourself look better.’
‘OK. Let’s hope you guys have better luck on the speed dating tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s give Brad and Gail a round of applause!’
As the clapping dies down, Barry starts scanning the room again. ‘Where are you, Sam and Robin?’ he calls. I nudge Sam and she and Robin step forward.
‘And how about you?’ Barry asks. ‘Did things go well?’
‘Superbly, thank you, Barry,’ Sam enthuses. ‘Robin and I had the best day. We really enjoyed the locations and the lunch, but most of all we enjoyed just getting to know each other, didn’t we?’
‘Sam’s very easy to talk to,’ Robin agrees. ‘In fact, if neither of us meets another match at tonight’s speed dating, I’d be happy to spend the day with her again tomorrow.’
If Sam’s disappointed that Robin isn’t showing the same commitment that she was expressing to me earlier, she hides it well.
‘Which brings us neatly on to tonight’s event,’ Barry tells us all delightedly. ‘The rules are simple. Ladies, you’ll be sitting on the chairs I’ve laid out around the edge of the room. Gents, you’ll be sitting in the chairs facing the ladies. You’ll have three minutes to find out as much as you can about each other before I ring the bell and you have to move on. I’ll give each of you a piece of paper on which you should write your own name at the top, and the names of anyone you’d like to spend the day getting to know better tomorrow underneath. If one of the people on your list has also written your name, I’ll pair you up and let you know via a note outside your cabin before ten tonight. One lucky couple will also win Barry’s Bonanza, which is a private guided tour of Malta with lunch thrown in, so it’s all to play for. Before we start, do any of the amber badges want to join in?’
‘You should totally do this one,’ I say to Cameron.
‘What on earth makes you think that?’ he asks incredulously.
‘I know you’re not looking for a relationship, but it’s good practice for talking to women.’
‘Do I have a problem talking to women?’
‘You know what I mean. Go on. You don’t have to write anyone down.’
He looks at me for a moment before raising his hand. ‘Barry, Ruby and I would like to take part, please.’
I stare at him. ‘What? I never agreed to that.’
‘If I’m doing it, you’re doing it too,’ he says with a mischievous grin as Barry happily thrusts name badges, pencils and pieces of paper into our hands. ‘I’ll see you on the other side.’
I must be losing my touch, I think, as I reluctantly allow myself to be guided to a chair. Not only did Sam hoodwink me onto this cruise, but Cameron just outmanoeuvred me as well. I meet Sam’s eye across the room and have to stifle a laugh. Speed dating may be my idea of hell, but it’s almost worth it to see the look on her face.
My first date is Euan, and his accent immediately identifies him as the phantom pussy stroker from the Blind Date evening.
‘Oh, God. I’m so embarrassed,’ he confesses when I call him out on it. ‘I blame bloody Barry. He told us to be a bit suggestive in our replies, and I was so nervous I opened my mouth and went way too far. I’m not like that in real life, honestly.’
‘I think it’s only fair to tell you that Sam, whose pussy you offered to stroke, is my flatmate, so you were technically offering to stroke my pussy too,’ I tell him, trying not to giggle as he goes absolutely puce. ‘You’ll forgive me if I don’t take you up on it.’
‘I’m never going to live this down, am I?’ Although crimson with embarrassment, he does at least smile.
‘Probably not while you’re on the cruise, no. Anyway, what do you do for a living, Euan?’
He’s palpably relieved at the change of subject. ‘I’m the manager of a supermarket in my hometown of Aberystwyth. What about you?’
Ten points for asking me a question, Euan, I think to myself. ‘It seems we share a love of the seaside and retail,’ I tell him with a smile. ‘I’m the co-owner of a bookshop in Margate.’
In fact, Euan turns out to be quite easy to chat to and not at all smutty, and it feels like we’re just getting going when the bell rings. If I’m disappointed at his departure, that’s nothing compared to the sinking feeling in my gut as his place is taken by Brad.
‘How’s it going, Brad?’ I ask wearily.
‘I’ve been better, Ruby,’ he says honestly. ‘Tell me. I know we didn’t talk for long the other night, but was that stuff Gail said about me true?’
I study him for a moment. His cockiness is gone and he looks more like a little boy who’s lost his favourite toy.
‘I can’t speak for your Italian, as I haven’t heard it,’ I tell him as gently as I can. ‘But you did talk about yourself a lot and I don’t think you asked me any questions.’
‘I guess I do that when I’m trying to make a good impression,’ he admits. ‘I’m terrified of awkward silences, so I just talk to fill them.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with wanting to avoid awkward silences, Brad, but you can fill them by asking questions about the other person. Try it on me.’
‘OK, umm, I know where you live so I can’t ask you that again.’
‘No, but you could ask about my work, or what I like to do with my spare time. Make me feel like I’m the most interesting person you’ve ever met. You could throw in relevant information while you’re doing that, but the trick is to keep it short. If I’m interested in you, I’m going to ask you questions and that’ll be your opportunity to talk about yourself. Do you see?’
He looks uncertain. ‘I guess so.’
The bell rings before we have a chance to go any further. ‘Try it out on the next person,’ I encourage him. ‘Let me know how you get on.’
‘The next person is Gail, so I don’t think it’s going to go well.’
‘Did you really like her?’
He sighs. ‘I did.’
‘Then think of it as an opportunity to redeem yourself.’
The next few speed dates pass in a bit of a blur and it quickly becomes clear that we’re not going to get round everyone before dinner, but I’m very aware that Sam’s Robin is getting closer. I wouldn’t mind the opportunity to interrogate him for three minutes, so I’m relieved when he takes his place in front of me just as Barry calls that this is to be the last date this evening.
‘You’re Sam’s flatmate,’ he observes as he sits down and reads my name badge. ‘Nice to meet you, I’m Robin.’
Across the room, I can feel Sam’s eyes boring into me, but I ignore her.
‘And what do you make of Sam?’ I ask him.
He smiles. ‘She’s a fascinating woman. We had a really interesting day together and it felt like we didn’t stop talking the whole time.’
‘So why not snap her up and spare yourself the speed dating?’
‘I didn’t want to be pushy. I like her a lot but, if I’m honest, I think she’s a bit out of my league.’
‘What makes you say that?’
‘She’s a big personality, and I worry she might find me a bit boring after a while.’
‘Look,’ I tell him firmly. ‘I love Sam to bits, of course I do, but I’ll let you in to a little secret. Her recent dating history is fairly disastrous so you’re not exactly up against strong competition.’
He smiles again. ‘I know. She was pretty open about it.’
‘If I may be so bold, I think you’re asking the wrong question here. It’s not about whether you’re boring or not, although I don’t think you can be that dull if the two of you were talking all day. It’s more about whether you’re a jerk and, based on what I’ve seen of you so far, you’re not. She really likes you, although what’s all the secrecy about your job? She’s convinced herself you’re a spy because you won’t talk about it.’
He laughs. ‘I can assure you I’m not a spy.’
‘So why the secrecy?’
‘It’s complicated. I will tell her when the time is right, I promise. It’s just that I want her to get to know me as Robin, and my job kind of gets in the way of that.’
‘Fine. I’m not going to press you. All I will say is that Sam clearly thinks a lot of you, to the point that she was willing to change to an amber badge for you. Be gentle with her, OK?’
‘I will,’ he promises. ‘And thank you.’
As soon as the speed dating is over, Sam and Robin come together as if drawn by an invisible magnet, and I realise that my dating advice probably means I’m on my own for dinner, as well as the whole day tomorrow. I could see what Cameron is up to, I suppose, but I don’t want to give him the wrong impression by spending too much time with him. That decision is taken away from me, however, as he comes to find me before we make our way to the dining room.
‘How was it for you?’ he asks with a smile. ‘Did Cupid’s arrow find its mark?’
‘Ha. If anything, I was more agony aunt than anything else, and I’m still not entirely sure I’m talking to you after you roped me into it.’
He grins. ‘And you weren’t setting me up at all, I suppose?’
‘Fine, I suppose I deserved it. What about you, how did you get on?’
He groans. ‘I got Ashleigh, naturally, who made it perfectly clear she’d already written my name on her list. She’s terrifying, but all the other people seemed nice.’
‘Have you written her on your list?’
‘Of course not! She’d eat me alive.’
‘Some people might like that. Anyone else catch your eye?’
‘No.’
I only have a moment to register the strangeness of the relief that floods through me from knowing that Cameron hasn’t been snapped up by one of the other singles before he speaks again.
‘Oh, look over there!’
I follow his gaze and see Sam and Robin chatting to Barry briefly before they hand over their green badges and he replaces them with red ones.
‘We have our first couple, ladies and gentlemen!’ Barry yells. ‘Congratulations to Sam and Robin, and all the best with your budding romance. Now, don’t forget to hand in your papers before you go to dinner, everyone else. If you want to be the next golden couple and enjoy Barry’s Bonanza, you have to be in it to win it.’
I glance down at my speed dating card, which unsurprisingly has no names on it, fold it carefully and slip it into my pocket. Although I probably deserved it, and I escaped unscathed this time, I’m going to have to watch both Sam and Cameron like a hawk if I’m to stop them signing me up for anything else. I’m also stupidly pleased that Cameron didn’t write anyone down either. Is that wrong?