Life of the Party (Wayward #1)

CHAPTER 69

I didn’t realize how uptight I was until Riley pointed out my clenched fists in the car. I looked down at my lap and relaxed my hands, nervous. Each mile made my heart thud that much harder. I was afraid to be home, afraid to be back in town, afraid of the familiarity that would bring back much of my heartbreak. Afraid of the sights and sounds and smells that would make me want to use again.

Riley pulled the car up at the curb in front of my house. It was the same as always, but everything looked…different, somehow. Marcy and Blake’s black Jag was in the driveway. The snow was melting off the roof, dripping down the eavestrough. The sky above was still grey, but the wind had turned warm in classic chinook form.

“It looks like it might rain.” I noticed, staring up at the sky, trying to act casual, normal, though my heart was hammering away in my ribs. I wiped my sweaty palms against my jeans and let out a shaky breath.

“Better than snow, anyway.” Riley looked up at the sky as well, playing along with me.

I stared at him a moment, suddenly overwhelmed. “I don’t want to say goodbye.”

“Don’t cry Mac, please?”

“I’m sorry.” I sniffed. “I just wouldn’t have made it without you, you know?”

“Stay sober, and we’re even.” He smiled then, trying to lighten the mood. “Deal?”

I nodded, biting my lip to try and hold back the tears. This was still fairly new to me, having to deal with the pain. Before, whenever I hurt, for whatever reason, I would go and get high and solve all my problems. Now, I felt the full scorch of the pain burning my lungs, throbbing in my chest. There was nothing I could do but feel it.

“Come on, Mac. Your family’s waiting.”

Somehow, I managed to get out of the car, standing by helplessly as Riley grabbed my suitcase from the trunk. He took my hand and led me up the walkway.

“You can do this, Mac. I believe in you.”

“Yeah.” There was no confidence in my voice. I focused on his hand around mine, trying to draw some strength from him, holding on to everything I could until the terrible moment when he left.

We stopped at the front door and Riley set my bag down on the stoop. I gazed up at him, into the eyes of my best and oldest friend.

“Goodbye, Mackenzie.” He managed a smile.

“Goodbye, Riley.” I choked out. The tears were coming, I couldn’t stop them. He stepped forward and grasped me into his arms, pulling me tight against his chest. I nestled in, sniffling, listening to his heart hammering loud beneath my ear.

The desperation of our embrace reminded me of graduation, when he left me the first time, when I’d clung to him, holding on to every last, final moment. I did so again. I shut my eyes and breathed him in.

“Fuck it,” Riley suddenly muttered under his breath. He pulled away, looking down into my eyes, clearing his throat. Nervous, determined.

“You know why I didn’t say it back? Why I didn’t tell you about that night?” He asked then, his hands squeezing my arms in earnest. “Because.” He breathed. “Because, it was too good to be true. It was everything I’d ever wanted, and when it actually happened…I was a coward.” Riley shut his eyes, falling silent, shaking his head in regret. “I didn’t tell you then. I didn’t tell you when I left last year. I’m not leaving again without you knowing.” He whispered, vehemently, pressing his forehead against mine. “I love you, Mackenzie Taylor. I’ve loved you forever. One word from you,” he promised, “and I’m not going anywhere.”

Then he kissed me.

It was light, and his touch was soft, and his sweet breath on my tongue was warm and familiar. With it, everything came rushing back. Everything we’d shared that night. Every emotion we’d poured into those few, stolen moments.

The desperate longing. The delight.

The love that crashed over us, pledged in every kiss.

When Riley pulled away from me I couldn’t fathom it. I just stood there, stunned into a stupor, blinking before me, reeling from the forgotten, from the remembered.

Then I realized he was gone. I looked for him, gasping, watching his broad back as he made his way down the flagstone steps toward his car. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I should stop him, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have time to decide .

I took a step towards him, my limbs trembling with uncertainty. He was at the car now. All I had to do was call for him, all I had to do was shout for him to stop.

I opened my mouth but no words came, no sound. I was frozen, rooted in place by the sheer depth of my indecision, grounded by my hesitation…like I was in a nightmare or something.

I heard the door open behind me. “Mackenzie?”

I gulped, tearing my eyes away, sparing a terrible moment to turn towards my mother, who was beaming with exuberance when she spotted me on the step.

“You’re home.” She smiled through her tears. She swept me into her arms and hugged me as tightly as she could. I hugged her back, resting my face against her soft, warm shoulder, holding back my tears, trying to find some solace in her embrace from the sudden turmoil of my emotions.

Riley loved me. He loved me.

“One word from you, and I’m not going anywhere…”

No. It didn’t make any sense. I’d given Riley words, plenty, before he left with Emily. I’d begged him to stay, but he’d refused. We’d become like strangers to each other.

How could he do that to me? How could he claim to love me, and leave me like that?

I didn’t know. I didn’t know what to do. I was so confused, so…unsure.

Then, with a sinking heart, I heard Riley start the car behind us. I heard him put it in drive, heard him pull out onto the street, the sound of his engine slowly fading away.

Riley had left me, again, but for good this time.

Mom smiled at me through her tears. “Honey, I’m so proud of you.” Gently, she stroked my hair back from my face, her eyes shining with sincerity. “I’ve missed you so much.” I knew she didn’t just mean the last three months. I’d been gone for years.

Mom put an arm around me and led me into the house. I forced my distress away, forced a smile on my face, forced myself to focus on the rest of my family, waiting for me in the living room beneath a “Welcome Home, Mackenzie!” banner tacked up on the wall. Marcy was there, and Blake, and my dad—and from the moment I walked in the door, they were beaming at me.

Dad came right over and hugged me, kissing my hair, tears shining in his eyes. He passed me over to Marcy, who whispered in my ear how impressed she was by what I’d done. And even Blake, in an awkward, brother-in-law kind of way, hugged me to him with great sincerity and told me I’d been missed.

I couldn’t have asked for a better reception. It reminded me of Christmas, like I was accepted again, like I was truly loved. For real this time. We sat down and caught up on the last three months. My family hung on every word, like they’d never expected to hear me speak again, like every sentence was a special gift.

I had much to say to them. Tearfully, I confessed and apologized for everything I’d ever done. For lying and sneaking out, for my attitude, my hurtful words, for stealing their money, for ruining Marcy’s wedding…for everything. When I was done, I knew I was forgiven. I knew we could start again with a clean slate. I knew I had a family that loved me, a family I felt blessed to be a part of.

It was such a weight off my shoulders. When we sat down to dinner, the conversation around me was light and happy. I should’ve been happy too. My confessions had been difficult, but they were over and I should have been relieved.

I sat back and tried to join in the talk around the table, to revel in the aura of celebration around me. To ignore the dreadful knot of worry, gnawing at my stomach.

“Where’s Riley?” Mom wondered suddenly, “I thought he’d be here with you.”

I stared at her a moment, my forkful of pot roast halfway to my mouth. “You did?”

“Yes.” She smiled warmly at me. “I have an apology to make, too, Mackenzie. I’m sorry. I was wrong about Riley. He really is a wonderful young man.”

“Seriously?” I looked despairingly at Marcy. “Where’s my real mom?”

“I know.” Marcy laughed. “She’s right though. He came over all the time to let us know how you were doing.”

I couldn’t contain my surprise. “He didn’t.”

“He did.” Mom smiled. “I invited him for supper tonight, but I guess he had plans?”

“Yeah, he’s…he’s flying back tonight,” I mumbled.

Mom and Marcy exchanged a secret, knowing glance, blaming Riley for the sudden crimson blush staining my cheeks; the way I speared my potato uneasily with my fork. It wasn’t just him, it was…everything. The sudden sinking feeling deep in my soul, telling me I was doing the wrong thing, letting Riley go. The fearful, nagging voice in my head insisting it was the only way. The kiss I couldn’t stop thinking about. The crazy spark that sizzled between us, reminding me of everything we’d missed out on. Everything we could’ve been.

Anxiously, I bit my lip, a panicked sweat running cold over my tensed limbs. I didn’t know what to do, and time was running out. I needed to talk to someone about it, someone who knew me, someone who’d understand, who’d really get the situation.

My eyes widened as a sudden thought occurred to me—a horribly dangerous, wonderfully appealing idea. Charlie. I had Charlie. She knew me, she’d understand. Once upon a time, I’d told her everything, and suddenly, I was desperate to see my friend again. To talk to her, to laugh with her, to let her know how badly she’d been missed. To hear from her lips the answer to my problems.

She was so close to me now…

“Do you mind if I go out for a bit?” I asked abruptly.

Everyone around the table stopped, eying me cautiously. I chuckled to myself.

“I’m not going to get high,” I reassured them. “I just need to go see someone.”

Mom tried really hard not to offend me. “Who, sweetie?” She asked warily.

“Riley,” I said the first name that came to my head, the only name I could say without arousing further suspicion. It wasn’t really a lie, I was going to go see someone about Riley. It was basically the same thing.

“Oh.” Mom nodded, smiling knowingly, even managing a wink towards my older sister. Everyone around the table relaxed—everyone but me.

I bit my lip restlessly on my way out the door, lighting a smoke as I hurried down the walk. Charlie lived down by Riley, by the trailer park, so I had a way to go. The cool air helped clear my head, helped calm my racing heart, but I still felt oddly…frantic. Like I needed to hurry, like I needed to get to Charlie’s house before I realized how stupid I was being, hurtling recklessly towards the exact situation I’d feared—the people, the substance…the temptation.

Charlie could help me; I knew it. I couldn’t go back now. I quickened my steps and tried to distract myself, tried to ignore the quiet, urging voice of reason within me, focusing instead on the streets I passed by, taking in the sights of my town.

A wave of nostalgia hit me as I walked. I realized wistfully—although I’d grown up there, although I’d lived my entire life there, already it didn’t feel like home to me. Everything looked the same but it was all…different now. Like something had changed in the last three months I’d been away, something I couldn’t name, but definitely couldn’t ignore.

I threw my smoke into the street, put my head down, and hurried on.