Life of the Party (Wayward #1)

CHAPTER 70

My heart was pounding nervously as I finally approached Charlie’s apartment. I knew Riley wouldn’t approve of what I was doing. I knew my sponsor would be furious, but I needed to see my friend. I just wanted to talk to her, that’s all. I wasn’t going to get high, I wouldn’t even smoke weed or have a drink. I just wanted to talk.

I trudged up the old, icy, treacherous stairs, bombarded by memories as I knocked on the door. How many times had I fled up these steps, drunk, high…a bit of both.

I remembered falling. How broken I’d been.

I bit my lip uncertainly as slow; sluggish footsteps came to the entry.

“It’s Mackenzie!” Charlie exclaimed, her beautiful face lighting up.

The moment the door opened, I felt stricken, felt my heart sink heavily in my chest. I managed a smile and stepped inside the apartment, accepting Charlie’s exuberant hug.

“Baby, you look so good.” She decided, giving me a once-over. “Rehab has done wonders, hey?” Charlie giggled. “Hey guys, look who it is!”

Charlie was high, I could tell. I looked over into the living room. Alex was there, wasted, with Courtney leaning drowsily over his lap. Were they together now?

Zack was sprawled across the couch. He looked up at me and smiled hazily.

“Mac, how’ve you been?” He was the only other one capable of speech.

I couldn’t answer. I looked wildly around the room. Once it had been homey and comforting, but now it seemed dirty…dark, depressing. Needles were scattered across the coffee table. Beer bottles were upturned on every surface. It all spoke of gloom, of oppression, just…desperation. Even Charlie, as beautiful as she was, I saw in a different light. Her blue eyes were glazed over, her tiny frame sunken in.

My spirit squirmed within me, my soul revolted, and it took everything I had not to run straight out of the room. I couldn’t be there. I loved Charlie, I loved Alex and Zack, but I couldn’t be there. The air was thick with despair. I could feel it in every breath I took, choking me with its heaviness, with its misery.

Now that I had seen the light, the darkness was blacker than ever.

My craving roared to life within me, like gas thrown on a fire, but there was no power in its demand. Because I knew, that I knew, that I just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t for me, not anymore. It was terrifying—empowering—but for the first time in my life, I knew what was right. I knew which way to go, which direction to choose, which course would bring me life. And all of them led me away from there.

Far, far away from there.

“It’s so good to see you.” Charlie smiled. “Here, let me take your coat.”

“No.” I shrunk away from her. “No…I’ve gotta go.”

She blinked at me. “But you just got back.”

“I know.” I didn’t know how to explain it to her. I didn’t want to hurt her. “I’m so sorry, Charlie, but I have to go. I can’t be here.”

She was confused for just a moment, but then she looked back at the living room, at the hovel they were living in, at the substance scattered everywhere. “No. Of course you can’t.” She realized glumly.

My eyes filled with tears. “I love you.” I insisted.

“I love you, too.” Her smile was wobbly. Sad. She nodded her head towards the door. “Go on, Mac. Get out of here.”

I hugged her abruptly and then hastened for the door. I felt terrible for doing this to them, to her. I wished it could be different. I wished I could be friends with them and live my new life as well. It was impossible, though. They just weren’t for me anymore—none of it was.

I realized then, what had irrevocably changed over the last three months.

Me.

My steps were heavy as I made my way down the rickety old stairs, saddened by my discovery, resigned to it. With a sigh, I sat down on the bottom step and lit a cigarette, just as the first drops of rain began to fall, pattering around me.

Suddenly, like the rain, it hit me. Suddenly, I understood. Why Riley had left me all those months ago, how he could’ve left me, even though he loved me. It was the same as Charlie and I. I wanted to stay with her, I loved her, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t…

“Fuck!” I exclaimed in surprise, abruptly getting to my feet, gasping at the realization that shook my entire world. It hit me like a ton of bricks, like a kick in the guts .

Riley left me. He left because he had to. Then he came back.

He came back for me. Because he loved me.

This changed everything. I could feel the hurt, the pain, the anger…everything I’d been holding on to dissolving in my chest, falling back, giving way, flooding me instead with everything I’d been denying all along.

I loved him, too. Loved him. Loved him with everything that remained of my broken, splintered heart. It was all I had left, all I could offer, but it was all for him.

I had to tell him. Riley had to know that before he got on the plane.

It took mere seconds before I was running down the street, as fast as I could, desperate, fighting the ice slick with rain, fighting the clock. I was panicked, afraid I’d missed him, that he’d gone back to Emily and I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.

I turned the corner of his block, slowing in tangible relief when I saw his car there, parked in the drive. It was idling noisily, ready to go—but I’d made it. My heart was hammering in my chest, my lungs burning from the effort, but I’d made it.

I ran up to Riley as he walked out to the car.

“Stay!” I meant to yell, but the only noise I could make was a strangled, throaty gasp. I doubled over, grasping my side in agony, coughing and wheezing.

So much for my romantic moment.

“Mackenzie?” He stopped in surprise, a hopeful smile on his face as he peered at me, shielding his face from the rain. “Did you run here?"

I panted, totally winded, and took a moment to catch my breath. I braced my hands on my knees. “I should stop smoking.” I wheezed.

“You’re soaking wet.” He chuckled, opening the driver’s side door for me. “Come out of the rain.”

I wiped the icy drops from my face, clambering across the front seat. Riley got in close beside me, shutting the door.

The rain pattered lightly on the windshield, tinny on the roof. We sat in silence for a moment while I caught my breath. I could feel Riley’s eyes on me, but I couldn’t start, not yet. Instead, I studied the familiar interior of his car—the red velour upholstery, the cracked, broken dashboard. I rubbed my hand over it, smiling wistfully. All the hours we’d spent in this vehicle together, cruising aimlessly, getting high, laughing, talking, fighting, arguing, kissing. It felt right that it should happen here, the culmination of our relationship. It was poetic, almost.

“Mac, come on.” Riley shook his head in exasperation. “You’re killing me here.”

“I went over to Charlie’s house.” I blurted it shamelessly .

“You did what?”

I knew he’d be pissed. It made me smile, knowing him so well.

“Why the hell did you do that? After all you’ve been through, after all your work? That was so stupid.” He shook his head, scorching with disappointment. “I can’t believe you. I can’t believe you’d just throw it all away like that.”

I rolled my eyes. “Will you calm down? I didn’t get high or anything. I just wanted to see her again, you know? I missed her. I missed them.”

“Oh.” Riley relaxed in his seat, letting out a breath of relief. “It was still a stupid thing to do. You knew what they’d be doing there.”

“I know.” I relented. “I know it was stupid. The moment I walked in the door I felt it. I just knew I couldn’t be there anymore. I knew that life wasn’t for me anymore.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” I took a deep breath. No going back now. I bit my lip and looked over at my friend, at my best friend, at the man who knew me in every single way. He’d seen me at my best; he’d seen me at my worst. And still, somehow—he loved me.

“I get it now, Riley. I get why you couldn’t be with me, why you had to leave me last summer. Like Charlie and I. I know you couldn’t help it.”

“I had to go. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” He confessed. His dark eyes swept over me, warm with affection. “I thought about you every day. I never stopped. Every time we fought, every time we went our separate ways. Every time I had to tell you no…it killed me.”

“It killed me too,” I admitted. “I get it now. Why it hurt so badly. Why I couldn’t let you go, why I couldn’t get over you.” I looked up at him, into his face, so handsome, so familiar. I felt tears well again, overcome, my heart bursting in my chest.

“I love you, Riley McIntyre.” I gazed up at him, into his eyes, so he could see that it was real, so he could see I meant every word with my whole, entire heart. “I love you.”

A surprised smile curved his lips.

“It’s not like Grey.” I continued, “It’s not more than Grey; it’s not less than Grey. I can’t even compare the two of you. It’s just different. But it’s the same, too. It’s, it’s deeper, because I know you so well, and you know me…” I gazed up into his warm, dark eyes, eyes I’d never been able to live without. “You know me better than anyone.” I grasped his hand. “You’re my breath. Riley, you saved my fucking life.”

Riley smiled then, like I was his greatest wish come true. His look said it all. His look took my breath away. He pulled me to him, into his warm, strong arms, and kissed me like our lives depended on it .

It felt so right, so natural. The spark from before ignited like I never thought possible, like I never could have imagined until—even despite being soaked from the rain—it felt like we might both start on fire.

“I love you so much,” I whispered. Every time I said it, the realization shook me. I ran my hands through his hair and stroked his smooth cheek and revelled in the warmth of his arms around me. Mine to discover. Mine forever.

“What about your flight?” I remembered then, eyeing the clock warily. “Is it too late to change your mind?”

He chuckled fondly, tucking a lock of long, wet hair behind my ear, his fingers lightly brushing my cheek. “I cancelled my flight already.”

“You did? But I hadn’t said anything…”

“It didn’t matter.” He shrugged. “I couldn’t leave you again.”

“Why was the car running? Where were you going?”

“To see you. Your mom invited me for dinner, you know.”

“Oh, right.” I could feel the delighted blush in my cheeks, the sweetness of his words warming me all over. I couldn’t be close enough to him. I took my hand and weaved it into his, lacing our fingers together. “If we hurry, we can make dessert.”

He grinned at me. “Let’s go then.”

“Can I smoke in here while we drive? For old time’s sake?” I batted my eyes.

“I thought you were going to quit?” He raised his eyebrows.

“I said I should quit. Not that I was going to.”

“Then go outside and smoke.”

“It’s raining!”

Riley sighed a moment, relenting, shaking his head as he rolled the window down a crack. “Oh, you’re a pain in the ass.” He lamented.

I grinned victoriously, “Yeah, but I’m yours.”

A smile broke over his face then, like he was delighted by the thought.