Chapter 4
CHAPTER 4
Felix
He nodded toward Jaben as he reached the Dungeon’s entrance, the guard returning the gesture as he let him through. Over the last week, the only place he’d frequented more than the library and his own room was the Dungeon, and he’d become familiar with the setting.
Felix wasn’t supposed to play guard here, which was difficult. He was accustomed to picking a corner spot, sitting with a water and sometimes a smoke if it fit the vibe, and people-watching as he looked for danger. Here he needed to interact and chat to fit in, and although everyone was kind enough, he still felt awkward going in to actually socialize. The play area was the most interesting aspect for him, but up to this point he hadn’t seen anyone who drew his eye enough to try and speak to, much less play with.
Except for Misha, and he hadn’t seen her anywhere in the room yet. Dropping his gaze, he flexed his hands around the glass, thinking of how small hers looked when they would lock their fingers together. It always gave her a younger appearance, something that never bothered her but occasionally reminded him that she was choosing someone so much older than she was. It was her decision, and she never turned him down in any of the places where they’d managed to connect, but seeing her in person at the Ranch was a whole different experience.
Stress had a way of working him up to the point of being irrational. Felix knew he needed to do something or he would never get Misha out of his system. When he’d seen her in the library, his blood spiked, his heart hammered, and all he could think of was what was almost between them.
All the self-doubts and regret just slid away, and he couldn’t fathom what brought such sadness out of such a bubbly girl when she’d handed him the page.
Now? Hours later he needed something to curb the self-loathing. He’d created space between them to try and look at the big picture, yet when he saw her in person, nothing made sense again. The easy decisions seemed so hard, and he couldn’t quite come to terms with what he needed to do.
Standing in the Dungeon made him question what he was doing. He didn’t want just any partner, he wanted Misha. Pretending someone else would suffice was one thing when she was supposed to be out of reach, but knowing she was at the Ranch made his body ache with need. He wanted to see her beneath him, submitting to him, just the way she had when things were less complicated. He wanted to see the lust in her eyes, not the self-doubt and sadness.
Gabriel was lost somewhere in the room. He’d had a better experience with the Ranch so far. While Felix enjoyed his time there, it grew tainted when he’d learned Misha was there and struggling with her own doubts too. Was it really that hard for two people to figure out how to exist together again?
“You look stressed.”
Like a wraith from his past, the very woman he’d been thinking of entered the Dungeon and came to stand beside him. The room was in full swing, couples and groups enjoying themselves in a safe sex environment like he’d never seen anywhere else. No one seemed to care that he and Misha were loitering on the sides, watching without participating. Until she slipped in beside him he had planned to give up and return to his room. “I wouldn’t say stressed.”
Misha eyed him, the playfulness gone from her gaze. The severity in her eyes didn’t sit right, and he missed the girl who had snark to match her spark the last time they crossed paths. “Is my being here that much of a problem for you?”
He blinked, staring down at her. The Ranch had such specific rules about honorifics, how to address different roles, the works, sometimes it all turned to mush in his mind. As far as he could tell they were both guests, so he had no idea why she would push boundaries like that.
Or maybe, just maybe, he was overthinking things.
“Well, you aren’t much fun,” she snipped, crossing her arms. Some of the familiar brattiness bled into her words, and that felt a little more natural between them. “I didn’t give you that page to weird you out. But I suck at explaining myself in the moment. That’s how I felt back then. I thought maybe it would help give you perspective.”
Now she had his interest as well as his attention. Turning to fully face her, he held out a hand so they could step away from the fun. For a moment she stared, and he wondered if she was going to reject him. Instead her small, soft palm slid against the calluses on his hand, and he tugged her away from the center of the room toward one wall. There was space enough for them to pause above the play taking place below. He wanted to drag her further in and remind the both of them what it was like to be together, but he didn’t believe either of them was in the right headspace to jump back in like that.
She leaned against the wall but ducked her head, and Felix lifted his hand to her face, catching her chin before Misha could turn away. “You know there was never a day that went by where you weren’t on my mind. No matter the country I found myself in, I couldn’t help looking around and wishing you were there.”
“I wished I was with you more often too,” she admitted sadly. There was a thoughtful look on her face, as though she was warring with herself over what to say next. “A year of stealing time together, and you didn’t once say something like that to me?”
He sighed. “I never said I was good with words either, Misha. Our visits were limited, and I didn’t want to do anything to ruin them.”
“So you did nothing at all?” she whispered, the sadness in her eyes cutting right through him. “All you had to do was give me something, anything, to hope for. But half the time you were gone in the mornings before I woke, and I didn’t even know where you were until Penny would message me.”
Guilt swept across his face, and as his thumb stroked her cheek he glanced away. “I never said I was proud of that.”
“Then why do it at all?” she pressed.
“You are as much to blame as me. I tried to see you when I was close. Why didn’t you ever ask Penny to visit?” he pressed, his brows drawing together at the question. “Even when we were in Canada, the travel wouldn’t be that bad. I know Laurent doesn’t come to the States all that often but, for a little while, you were close by. Why didn’t you reach out?”
Her eyes narrowed. “Why didn’t you? Penny can text as well as you can. Why do I have to make all the effort?”
“I made efforts as my job allows. But as we discussed in the past, I am locked to my job. You weren’t. You never asked me, or even Penny about travel. I like my job.” He blew out a breath, hating the frustration that grew in his chest. “I needed to stay near my boss.”
“Laurent.”
There was no venom in her words like he had expected, which left more questions than answers as she sighed at the reminder. He thought she would be angry, but every time she spoke to him it sounded more like she was resigned to what happened and it tore at his heart a little bit more.
“I know your job, Felix. I didn’t ask you to leave your position and rush to see me. But you didn’t invite me either. It wasn’t just about me asking like some lost puppy. You never said that you wanted me to come along… anywhere.”
Her words made the bitterness in his chest grow, hating how complacent he’d been with her. It obviously had taken a toll, and the crumbled paper back in his room spoke volumes of the girl who got dragged along. He hadn’t given her time or attention or even his focus, and he had treated her like a convenient booty call when he could get close by.
He hated men like that. Yet he’d treated Misha exactly the same. She deserved a better Dominant and a better partner than what he offered her.
The Ranch was supposed to help him learn and grow and heal. He’d thought when he arrived all he needed to do was distract himself and move on. He could nearly hear what someone like Master Derek would say about his behavior, and he’d never been chastised by someone before. Not even Laurent, who acted as both a boss and friend, would reprimand him in a way that hurt his soul like Master Derek might if he didn’t learn to care for a partner like they deserved. And Misha deserved the world.
“I want…” her voice trailed off, and her gaze shifted away before she spoke again. “I need someone who wants me as much as I want them. Who might care about what I want to do as much as what they are doing. You are your job, Felix. I understand that. I don’t expect you to change. But neither can I. I thought maybe coming to Rawhide would help me understand you, but I think it’s only teaching me that we are fun, but we are not forever.”
Her words spun around in his head, carving out a place in his mind with each slicing revelation. But something stuck out. “Why did you think coming to the Ranch would make a difference between you and me? Did you know where I was?”
The corner of her mouth ticked up, and he thought for a moment she would smile. But it was fleeting, disappearing before his next breath, and he now knew all that gloating Penny did about her family’s techie wasn’t just for show. Misha found him, and as far as he could see, she refused to be ignored. A world of space couldn’t stop someone from finding a person if they truly wanted to.
Misha shifted, moving to press a kiss to his cheek. She stood on her toes to do so, and he was desperate to turn and press his lips to hers. The fleeting kiss against his cheek was gone as quickly as it had come, and her sad eyes peered up at him as she stepped away.
“We don’t want the same things, Felix. Reality is hard to accept but sometimes easy to see. I think it would be better if I tried to find a new partner here at the Ranch. A Dominant, whether for a short time or a lifetime.”
She reached out to grasp his hands, and he felt it when she slid something into his palm. It crinkled like another note, and he wondered what words couldn’t be said now between the two of them. Her smile disappeared from her face as she turned away, and instead of wandering deeper into the Dungeon she turned on her heel and left.
They weren’t going to play. He feared that perhaps they weren’t going to be anything at all ever again.
Felix was amazed how well someone could hide on a place like Rawhide Ranch. The property only had so many places to go, yet Misha evaded him despite the snow. He wouldn’t chance going to her room with things so tossed up between them, and Gabriel did a decent job giving him hell anytime he started to brood.
Yesterday, he’d seen her wandering outside toward the stables. Snow or biting winds, she wasn’t lying when they used to talk about going riding. It wasn’t something he ever really did when working with Laurent, and he was pretty certain he was out of practice. But Misha seemed to love it, and despite his growing obsession with her, he didn’t loiter by the windows to see when she would return. Instead he went back to the library, listening to other submissives and Littles playing in the space and checking out games. After the holidays, it seemed people wanted to cozy up in their rooms and just enjoy the calm that comes after the season. He understood that, even if he was revved up to speak with Misha again. She didn’t seem to be seeking him out over the last day while he was watching her.
The good thing was it came naturally to use the skills that made him such a good bodyguard to watch her. He could see wasn’t hooking up with anyone else either. She didn’t actively play, though she did talk to people throughout the Ranch. She just didn’t seem to invite anyone to play in the Dungeon or otherwise.
Texting her did no good to get into contact with her. Phones weren’t permitted in certain areas of the Ranch, and she either ignored his messages or purposefully didn’t bring her phone around with her during the day.
So it was a bit of a surprise a few days later when he walked into the library to find her sitting in one of his two favorite chairs, some sort of book closed on her lap, watching the snowfall outside. Another storm was moving in, and from their talks in the past, he knew she liked when the ground was blanketed in snow. She seemed to enjoy the winter, at least from the indoors. She didn’t have anything on to indicate she would be walking outside to the stables or otherwise after this.
Misha straightened in her seat, pulling her hair over the front of her shoulders. She must’ve gotten creative yesterday with hair color, because when he’d seen her walking to the stables, her hair had been the same color. Now it was blue on one side and black on the other, making her pale skin stick out more against the leather chair. She gripped the book tightly when he paused beside her, hooded eyes looking up to meet his.
“I knew you’d be in here,” she admitted, leaning back in her chair. He noticed the title of her book, Red’s Hunting Woods , and from the cover he couldn’t help thinking it was probably smut. The silhouette of the couple wasn’t very PG, and she flipped it over with a blush when she noticed him looking.
“You came to the Ranch just to read?” he joked, studying her.
She cleared her throat awkwardly, her eyes shifting away. “I came to learn about you,” she admitted, tapping her fingers along the spine of the book.
He grinned, sitting carefully in the other chair in case she decided to run off. She didn’t appear as sad as the other night, but that didn’t mean she was thrilled to talk to him either. “I came to get over you. It’s not quite going as I planned.”
There was the twitch of her lip again, and he was certain this time she did bite back a smile. “I see how well it’s going. You don’t play in the Dungeon.”
“No one I want to play with,” he grumbled.
Misha sat back, tucking the book into the side of her chair before she crossed her arms. “I saw you downstairs in the Dungeon. You don’t seem to have any issues finding a willing partner, you just don’t actually participate with anyone.”
Felix scowled. She meant other visitors to the Ranch. Most everyone he encountered over the last week who worked here seemed to have a partner or weren’t looking at the moment. But the time just after the holidays seemed to cause an uptick in visitors, and there were plenty of people who were staying at the resort for a short period of time. When he did go down to the Dungeon, there were people available who were in the mood to play, but no one he actively wanted to participate with. All the submissives who caught his attention lacked one particular thing: they weren’t Misha.
And she wasn’t mystified by him anymore. The veil over their fickle relationship was gone, and trying to be more than a meet up every couple of months wasn’t working out in their favor yet.
“Is that jealousy?” he asked, and she turned up her nose at the question. It just made him laugh as he rested back further in the chair. “If you’d come down to the Dungeon the past few days you would know that I don’t do anything with the people I’ve approached, or who approached me.”
“Oh?” she replied, and he heard the joy hidden beneath the question. “What a shame.”
“What’s a shame is you don’t come back down to the Dungeon,” he continued, watching her for a response. “Why come to the Ranch and not participate? Won’t one of the therapists get on you about that?”
Misha scoffed, sitting forward to rest her elbows on her knees. “I don’t particularly need a therapist, but Master Derek did advise me to at least speak with one. You know what the advice was?”
She stood up, and his eyebrows lifted as she snatched up the book again. “I was told to keep journaling, which is exactly what I’ve always done. It’s therapeutic, except now I’m learning how to express myself while writing so I’m not afraid to tell people who have more authority than I do what I really think.”
Felix frowned, his grip tightening on the edges of the chair. “Does that include me?”
Misha snorted, clutching the book to her chest. “You’re a guard, Felix. With clearance to places I’m not allowed. And you shoot people, don’t you? Maybe even kill? I’d say your authority is greater than mine. I’m just some rich guy’s daughter.”
She gave him a long look then turned to rush off, and this time Felix didn’t feel the need to go after her. When he’d first met Misha, she had her best friend Penny, and the two of them were like two unmovable pillars of strength. Without each other they were different people, and when Misha wasn’t talking fashion or pepping up her friends, her insecurities showed through.
Authority… he’d never thought of himself as an authority figure in her life. They’d only seen each other so many times, and other than being Laurent’s personal guard, he stayed in the background. His sex life wasn’t on display like his boss’, and he kept his personal business to himself. Authority wasn’t something he felt he had when it came to a girl like Misha, and it was interesting that she felt that way. In a perfect world, her family would hire someone like him. He’d watch her, stay in his comfort zone, and he wouldn’t fret about where the lines faded from black to gray and his morals were thrown into question. Misha was fun, eager, and she took some of the stress of life in general off of his shoulders.
In return, he seemed to create only stress to add to hers, and he’d been too ignorant at the time to notice it, which hurt. Now, he didn’t know if he could right the wrongs. It wasn’t until he knew she was out of the library before he could muster up the courage to open the paper that sat like lead in his pocket.
January 10,
I thought coming to the Ranch would help me get over Felix but seeing him is hard. I knew I was pushing my own limits by coming here and confronting him, but all we’ve done is dance around each other. As much as I want him to take me into his arms and make me scream to the ceiling, we aren’t there.
Is it my own self-doubt, or something more? My parents are antsy, waiting for me to get this out of my system as they say and come back home. I can’t do that until I fix the hole in my heart, and they certainly won’t understand. They aren’t as strict as Penny’s parents but they are difficult to handle, and some fairy tale romance isn’t on their to do list when it comes to securing me a husband.
I never said I wanted a husband anyway. I just want to feel like I’m living for me and no one else. My hang ups on some guy keep me from moving on, and I get too frustrated when we talk but don’t get anywhere. It was so much easier when we didn’t have to talk about feelings and what’s next. We could just fuck, spend some blissful hours together, and then go on our merry ways. Why did my heart have to go and complicate things?
I’m not saying sex solves all. In fact I think it’s what got me into this mess to begin with. But if Felix could shut that gorgeous face up long enough to fuck some of the stress out of me, maybe we could get somewhere. We could pretend there’s nothing complicated for a while, and then get back to the root of our problems afterward. I could do that. Shutting off my brain might be the only way to work the stress—and the lust—out of my system.
But saying this out loud? I don’t want to sound like a fool. It’s out of the question.
He crushed the note in his hand. He didn’t fully understand why talking through notes made more sense to Misha than just spitting it out, but he got far more from the pages of paper that she shoved at him than he did when they tried to talk in person. Why she shut down didn’t make sense to him, but she seemed to be working through her problems. She was trying, and he was doing nothing.
She chose what she gave to him. And if she gave this one to him, more or less outlining a fantasy, he could take the hint. Next time he saw her near the Dungeon, they were going to fix some of her stress. He was well aware of how to tell if she truly wanted something or not. Maybe then they could figure out what to do next.