Only You, Only Us

Chapter 32

It was easy to find out the details of the service. It was at a church around the corner from where Jeremy lived, although I never knew any of them to go to church, not even at Christmas. There was only one funeral on Tuesday, so I mustered the courage to attend.

I didn’t want to go for Jeremy. I wanted to go for myself. Maybe to get closure or just to prove to myself that he was gone. It had been a long time since I’d thought about his dad and what he did to me, and my feelings slid into the haze of those dark months that turned so much of our world off-kilter.

Bringing myself to step inside the church was too much, so I waited outside and stood back, hidden by the trees in the graveyard.

There’s a quiet here, a peace, that seems to seep into my bones. Finally, I watch as they carry the wooden coffin out and down into the graveyard, with a few dozen people following, gathering around the open grave. Jeremy is at the back as if rounding everyone up, but I don’t see his mum or little sister. Although, a funeral is no place for someone so young as her.

My own grandparents died when I was much younger. Mum told me about them, but I didn’t go to their funeral. So, this was the first one I’d ever attended.

Watching as they lowered him into the ground made me shudder. Even for someone I hated, the thought of being left underground, even though they were dead, chilled my blood.

Jeremy said he hadn’t spoken with his dad in years. It’s hard to imagine he didn’t want to reach out, and I wonder if his dad ever tried to make it up to him or try to repair their relationship. Then I think about my own dad, who’s never been in contact with me since the day he ran off.

My feet shift on the mulch-covered ground, my small heels pressing deep into the soft earth.

The man, standing stoic and motionless, watching over the burial of his father, is a long way from the angry boy who beat him on the floor of their kitchen — the boy who was consumed by rage.

There was more to what happened that night. There were words left unsaid, confessions of guilt and anger and pain, but they never came. We buried it and got lost in our messy version of love instead of dealing with what happened and coming to terms with it.

I coped in my way. And he coped in his.

And from that moment, we were on separate paths.

People pay their respects and leave, one by one, but Jeremy remains. He doesn’t leave the graveside, just stands there, watching it, as if he’s not ready to say goodbye. As time draws on, I grow anxious to offer him comfort. It’s right there under my skin like it was on that night he stood up to his father for me, that urge to make him feel better.

The pressure grows in my chest like my own heart is telling me what it wants.

Still, after all this time, everything I’ve ever felt for Jeremy is still alive. The feelings have been locked away behind shields of memories and bad experiences, making them torturous to reach, but standing in an empty graveyard, watching him grieve for the man he called Dad, they seem to have found a way in.

Not knowing what to say, I step out of the shadows and walk towards him until I’m standing beside him.

“Why did you come?” he asks.

I let the air settle between us before answering. A place like this deserves the truth. “I don’t know. For closure.”

He shifts his stance but doesn’t turn to look at me and continues his vigil over the open grave. “You didn’t owe him anything. He doesn’t deserve you being here.” His words are harsh and jagged from pain.

“I didn’t do it for him, but it felt important to come.” I remain standing next to Jeremy, keeping my hands folded in front of me.

The wind whistles through the trees that sheltered my presence a moment ago, but I stay quiet, even though the weight of the need to put my arm around him to offer solace or comfort keeps growing.

“I feel pretty rough right now, Anna. Company isn’t what I’m looking for.”

His dismissal stings.

My eyes roll, and I turn around and look up to the sky as if the strength to cope with Jeremy Archer will suddenly hit me like a lightning bolt.

“Look, I’m sorry. I’m not sorry that I came, though, because this happened to me. He happened to me, and everything after got mixed up because we didn’t deal with it. I can’t hate you like I should?—”

Jeremy interrupts me, seizing my face in his hands and kissing me as if his next breath depends on it. It immediately eases the tightness in my chest, and I cling to his forearms as his lips remain pressed to mine.

The kiss is like a silent promise of everything yet to come and lifts my heart.

“Not today, Anna.” He presses his head against mine. “Any other day, I’d kiss you and never want to stop, but right now, I only want to block everything out and forget he ever existed. I can’t do that with you because all you make me want is to feel — too fucking much. Too fucking deeply. Like you’re the very blood that keeps my heart beating. So, unless you’re here to tell me everything I want to hear, then leave — at least until tomorrow. Let me have today to fall apart and slay the last ghosts of my past. Tomorrow we can talk. Or not. But I’m not strong enough today.”

He doesn’t look at me, doesn’t let me in.

I back away from him, letting him have the space he needs. He at least asked for it this time. I continue my retreat, making my way back out of the church yard, but I wait and watch, unable to stop myself.

He’s not moved. He’s still there.

“Goodbye, Jeremy.” My voice is soft and hidden as if I want to keep it just for myself. “I hope you can find your peace now.”

Friday approaches, and I question my decision every second of the day.

He hasn’t been in contact, and I’ve not seen him. Part of me, that little dark and still twisted part of my heart, wants him to come and fight for me, but we’re past that now. Besides, it would be too easy that way.

No.

He left this to me. And I think I’ve made the best decision I can.

He has a little girl to look after. We’ve both changed. This is for the best.

Friday comes.

Jeremy doesn’t contact me.

He stays true to his word.

On Saturday, I go for a run all the way across town and back to the roads I used to run on from my house to Jeremy’s.

It looks deserted, and a big white plaque is speared into the front lawn with ‘For Sale’ emblazoned on it.

I run off the tears that fall silently as I head for home, hoping to erase the sinking feeling in my stomach.