Chapter 33
Iload the car and drive around to pick Mum up. I beep the horn and send a quick text to Marty before she comes out with Andy.
He puts her suitcase in the car and loads the boot with a couple of boxes of jewellery for The Silver Tree before enveloping her in a big hug. She kisses him on the cheek and hugs him back, and I look away, picking my phone back up. It’s a little odd watching my mum and her boyfriend in the car’s wing mirror.
It’s the first time I’ve offered to drive, but perhaps overdue after all these years.
“Ahh, right. We off then?” Mum asks as she does her seat belt up.
“Yep. Got everything?”
“Check. Are you sure you’re okay to drive? I don’t mind.” She twists in her seat to face me.
“Mum, I’ve got this. Relax.” I start the engine and pull off down the road, following the first few turnings on the road to Cornwall.
It’s a peaceful trip. I’ve been quiet for the past few weeks, happy to be in my head rather than share my whimsical sentiments.
“Penny for them.”
“Sorry, what?”
“Penny for your thoughts.”
“Nothing interesting. Just thinking about having some time to myself, enjoy the beach.”
“Okay.”
I sense her eyes on me as if she doesn’t believe me. It’s not a complete lie. I am hoping to clear my head and hopefully gain some much-needed clarity.
Cornwall can soothe you and offer you comfort as if just breathing the air can make you feel better.
We continue the journey, but I take a wrong turn, heading for Tregethworth rather than the place we’ve been visiting for the past several years on the opposite coast. Call it automatic pilot, perhaps. “Molly’s first, then?” I offer, looking to put my mistake right and grinning.
“Molly’s first. Maybe I will drive next year.” She smiles at me, stifling a laugh.
Molly’s is busy; all the tables are full, and we have to wait, so we go out onto the deck and watch the surf. The salty tang of seaweed is in the air, the waves choppy as the tide kicks up on the sand close to the deck.
I stare out at the view — one I’ve seen hundreds of times and just let it sink in — let Cornwall sink in.
The sun struggles against the grey clouds, wrestling to come out and bathe the sea and sun in golden light.
“Anna, the table’s ready.” Mum nudges me, and I zone back into the now.
“Right. I’m starving.” I smile and go back in.
We order, but the conversation is stilted. Or rather, the few words I utter are only in answer to Mum’s probing. She knows something’s off, but I’ve not told her about Jeremy”s visit, his dad’s funeral, or the fact that he has a little girl to take care of now.
Despite my determination not to fall into his trap again, I can’t stop thinking about him and everything he said. And now I’m over the shock, I realise he’s left me with a possible fairy-tale ending that seventeen-year-old me would snatch in a heartbeat.
Seventeen-year-old me wouldn’t have believed how bad things got, though, so I’m not sure she’s the right version of me to have an opinion.
“Is this how it’s going to be the whole visit?”
I look up at Mum and see the waffles have arrived, too. I know she said something, and she’s waiting for my response, but I have no idea what she said. “I’m sorry, Mum. What did you say?”
She looks back at her coffee and smiles, and it makes me nervous.
“I know what’s on your mind, darling.”
No. She can’t. She’d be crushed if she knew I had seen him and let him in again after all these years.
“Really?”
“He came to see me. Introduced me to Sophie.”
The words hit me in my chest and send me into a little panic. “Bastard. He had no right.” I shake my head, trying to figure out what I say to that. Why did he do that?
“I was furious, of course. But after he left, I considered why he did it. He was putting everything on the line. His final hand, of sorts. It was a smart move, and I can respect that.”
“Well, it didn’t work, did it? I didn’t even tell you about him.”
“I know. It’s a bit of a habit of yours, but I don’t think that’ll change anytime soon. You were always blind when it came to that boy. You saw the world through tunnel vision.”
Mum and I haven’t spoken about Jeremy for a long time. And even when we did, it wasn’t like this. It was always after he’d broken part of my heart. Hearing Mum say anything even close to praise in the same sentence as his name was unheard of, and I’m suddenly desperate to know what they talked about.
“Was it the wrong call to come here? You seem lost in your own head, and I know it’s because of him. Are you thinking of being with him?” she asks me straight.
“He wanted that. For so long, I wanted that.” I pick up my fork and cut at the toasted goodness, buying time to articulate what I’m feeling. But the words don’t come. They’re knotted and twisted, and no matter how I look at it, someone will get hurt.
“I’m glad he’s gone, and I’m proud you were strong enough to walk away. It’s the right decision, lovely. I’ve always known that.” She gives me a pointed glare before dipping her fork into the whipped cream and sampling it.
There’s no point saying anything more. She’s told me what she thinks, even if I’ve not told her my thoughts.
We leave Molly’s and take the opportunity to drop the supplies with Sylvia at The Silver Tree before heading off and making the rest of the journey down to the south coast.
But my heart isn’t with me. It’s back in Tregethworth with all the memories that come with that place.
Mum’s words from the diner plague me. I can’t shift them. Even the distraction of settling into the little slate-roofed cottage and unpacking the essentials to make a cuppa doesn’t work.
She’s proud of me. Her praise warms a part of me, lighting up that space inside me that still feels too full of guilt to carry anything kind.
But there’s a war raging over the crumbled ruins of my heart — over the scars of each goodbye or disappointment that he caused. My head defends me, lining up years of defence, but the part of my heart that still burns for him is winning, whispering possibilities and memories that seem so far away; they’re like a dream.
But Mum’s words are still there. She’s proud I walked away. I wish she could be proud of me for everything I’ve made for myself since the day I came back home, out of my head. I don’t want her to be proud of me because of something I haven’t done.
We spend the first couple of days at the local beach. I make sure to have a run before we make our way down to the little bay. The sun is hazy, but it’s warm enough to lie out and pretend there’s nothing else in the world to think about. It’s what I came here for — to relax and soak up the vitamin D.
But questions keep stirring in my mind, and I can’t push them away. I’m lost. Stuck. And I’ve exhausted the hiding places in my mind to avoid what is plaguing me in the shadows. The only way to fix it is to do something I know will break the only good part of my life.
The following day, I drop Mum off in a little village, then drive back to the other coast and down the familiar roads to the Cove to try to put my questions to rest.
Jeremy said he was selling the house back home, but I need to see if he had put this one on the market, too. Well, that’s the first question to answer, anyway.
I park just off the driveway and look up at the house that once mesmerised me. It was the best thing I’d ever seen, and looking up at it now doesn’t fill me with dread. There’s no for sale sign out the front, but perhaps a property like this isn’t sold in the same way?
My heart rate climbs the longer I wait outside, like a ticking clock getting louder and louder. I want to see if he’s here. That’s at the heart of all of this. And I’ve questioned every single decision I’ve made since he stopped me on my run.
I knock on the door, and a flash of the last time I did this spikes my blood with desire.
Not this time. I’m here to talk. That’s it. I take a deep breath.
Poppy, the nanny from the park opens the door.
“Hello, can I help you?”
“Um, is Jeremy here?”
“He is. May I ask your name?” She guards the door as if her job depended on it.
I smile, happy she doesn’t recognise me. “It’s Anna.”
“Anna, who?”
“He’ll know.” I don’t mean to sound smug, but it’s how it comes out.
She doesn’t invite me in and leaves me hanging on the doorstep.
After a couple of minutes, he appears, the door flying open as he stands on the threshold, gawking.
“Anna.” The way he says my name is like a benediction, immediately playing to my heart.
“Hi.”
“Come in. What are you here for? Why are you here?” He beckons me in.
That’s a good question.
“Where’s Sophie?”
“Having her nap.”
I look around, awkward and terrified now that I’m here.
“Can I get you something? A drink? Peach Iced Tea?”
“Sure.” I smirk at the memory of drinking nothing but that the summer I stayed here.
Jeremy heads through to the kitchen and fixes two glasses filled with ice. “Come on.” He walks out into the garden and skirts the pool, and I know where he’s leading me.
I go, the heavy set of nostalgia comforting me like a warm blanket as we walk out and along the path to Jeremy’s jetty. As we get closer, I notice the boat isn’t there anymore. We never did get to go out on it.
He sits down on the edge and places the glass to his side. I mimic him.
The stillness welcomes me, lifting the nerves and trepidation of the conversation to come.
“I had to find out if you had sold this place, too.”
He shakes his head. “It’s still ours. I’d never get rid of the place that means so much to me.”
“It was one summer. A few weeks,” I defend, as if the length of time should lessen the importance or meaning of our feelings.
“Doesn’t matter. I told you that nothing is temporary when it comes to you. That’s never changed.”
Neither of us looks at the other. We speak to the water like every other important conversation we’ve had here.
“I wish I could hate you. I wish you would just forget me, move on, and leave me to myself.” If only that could have been our fate.
“It’s never been over for me. Maybe it would be easier for both of us if that were different.”
“Maybe.”
“Did you come here just to see if I’d sold?” The hope is there in his words.
“Maybe. I was on holiday and couldn’t seem to get over the idea of us. Like we always dreamed of. You laid that out for me, let me hope, but I wasn’t ready to hear it.”
“And you are now?”
“Maybe. I’m here to find out.” And that’s the truth. “You hurt me.”
“We hurt each other.”
I pull my feet up and cross my legs as I twist to face Jeremy. I reach for his face and turn it towards me so I can see him and look into his eyes. “Can we really do this?” My heart thunders, pounding in my chest as I say the words.
“Yes.” He takes my hand and threads our fingers together. “Yes. But if you choose me, you’ve got to choose Sophie, too. She doesn’t have anyone else. She rescued me, and I won’t abandon her.” His eyes don’t waver.
“I want to believe that out of all of this, we can find peace together, but even making this decision will cause pain.” My head drops, and I sigh, remembering my mum’s words.
“I never said anything would be easy. Nothing about us has been easy. But I know how I feel about you.” He lifts my chin and smiles. “You’re inked into my very soul; no time or tide can wash you away, and I want you around so we can spend the rest of our lives together, making up for all the time we lost.”
My eyes sting as the tears threaten. His words aren’t the problem. It’s believing in them and him. But I can’t just continue muddling through my life the way it is. Marty is right. And when I’m honest with myself, I want Jeremy. I always have.
“This has got to work, Jere.” I sniff.
He raises up onto his knees and pulls me with him, and his hands slide around my neck as he rests his forehead against mine.
“We’ll work. I adore you, Anna Rose.” The same words he said to me all those years ago force the tears to fall from my eyes. They held a promise once — of what was yet to come. And I believe them now as I did then.
There was more of us to come.