Chapter 87
Eighty-Seven
Ayla
J eera and Drozel teased Zasen the rest of the way back. He took it easily, laughing along with them, and gave a little back. Xav and I discussed our dogs and the differences in their training. Night fell, the creatures of the darkness began moving around, but five of us were enough to keep them at a distance.
When we returned, the glow of lanterns on the gate assured us we were expected. It was the only sign of activity I could see at first. The street in front of our house was quiet. The stage had no one around it, but the plan was to meet at City Hall when we returned.
Yet the stillness made all of us remember that some wouldn't be coming home. We were a block away before we could hear the sound of civilization. It wasn't a celebration, but neither was there loud mourning. Instead, the doors to the building were thrown wide open, warm lantern light spilled out, and groups of people stood around in clusters, both inside and out.
"They're back!" someone yelled, spotting us.
That was when I saw Rymar, standing on the steps. He leaned as if looking around us, then his head whipped over. Something was wrong. I could tell by the way he was searching - but we were right here!
Then Omden rushed in, slamming his body into Drozel's. A moment later, a tailed woman ran at Xav, who met her with an embrace. Jeera grinned at their greetings, then slapped Zasen's shoulder.
"And we don't get those because..." Her words trailed off as Rymar stormed toward us.
His face made it clear something was wrong. Even in the darkness, his turquoise eyes were visible because they were so wide. There was no smile on his lips, only a look of fear.
"Kanik?" he asked, looking between me, Jeera, and Zasen.
"What?" Zasen asked.
"No..." Jeera breathed, realizing what was wrong.
"Where is he?" Rymar demanded, grabbing Zasen by the arms. "They said he must be with you!"
"He's not," I breathed, feeling my heart hang in my chest. Now he'd say it was okay, right? There was an explanation?
But Zasen began shaking his head, denying Rymar's implications. "No, no, no," he mumbled.
"We're missing fourteen," Rymar said. "But they said Ayla took a group back out there." He looked at me. "He was supposed to be with you! "
My throat clamped hard, knowing what this meant. Slowly, I shook my head, a wave of guilt hitting me hard. I should've had him. I should've made sure he was there. I should've taken him with us, but had he even been there at the pond? If he had, wouldn't Drozel have used him instead of Xav?
"But Kanik!" Rymar begged. "He can't be gone!"
Jeera choked back a sob, turning away. Zasen just shook his head, over and over, like he couldn't believe it, but no words came from his mouth. Then his legs gave way.
He didn't sit. Zasen fell, all of his mass collapsing to the ground with a cry that no voice should ever make. Pain. Anguish. Torment. It was all spilled with the wail. I tried to catch him, but I had no chance of ever holding him up.
"Not Kanik," Zasen roared.
Rymar simply stood there, his entire body still. Even his tail had relaxed to the ground. Slowly, he lifted a hand and pressed it over his mouth. "He's not back." Rymar's voice cracked. "He's supposed to be back!"
Zasen struggled, like he was about to get up, but his body refused to cooperate. "He's in the forest still. He didn't hear the call. Maybe he's injured!"
I was trying to comfort him, but also reach out to clasp Rymar's hand. I wanted to make the pain stop. To ease them somehow, but what they were saying refused to sink in. This couldn't be real. Kanik? That wasn't possible. He was at home, or in the hospital. He was just out of sight. I'd talked with him as we walked out. It had been so normal, so he couldn't be gone.
He couldn't be dead.
Jeera wrapped her arms around her brother, gripping him hard. "They don't leave wounded," she said gently. "Zasen, you know that. The Moles don't leave our wounded. They take them. He's already gone."
" No !"
Which was when Rymar dropped to his knees to hug Zasen hard. Tears were shining on his face, but where Zasen wailed, Rymar was silent. One of his hands found mine, clenching it too hard. Zasen hugged my side, pressing his face into my hip, and Jeera had her arms around all of us.
"No..." Drozel said, which made Jeera look back. "Who?"
"Kanik," Jeera said. "He's not back. "
"How many?" Drozel asked.
"I don't care!" Rymar finally managed to get out. "I can't lose him. I can't lose another!"
I wanted to say something to help. I wanted to tell them it would be okay, but it wouldn't. How could Kanik not come back? He liked me! I was supposed to be able to figure that out. I should've had time , but he wasn't here.
"Did anyone see him die?" I begged, looking over at Xav as if he might know something.
He shook his head. "Do you want me to ask?"
I nodded. "I have to know!"
Grabbing his woman's hand, Xav headed towards the crowd, but Jeera reached up to pull my shoulder against hers.
"Ayla, we bring back our wounded. That's what we were organizing when you said Zasen went to the Moles. If they don't come back, that means the Moles got them first."
"I was trying diplomacy," Zasen blubbered. "I thought I could stop this, but he was out there! They killed him and I was trying to make peace!"
"Not Kanik," Rymar mumbled. "Anyone but him. Why him? But... Not Kanik !"
"Jeera!" Xav said, waving her over.
She pulled away, hurrying to him. I watched as Xav said something to her, and Jeera's shoulders slumped. When she turned back, I knew. Someone had seen something. Something bad.
"He was fighting," Jeera said when she came back. "There was a grenade. He wasn't seen after that."
Drozel clasped my arm. "Ayla, take them home. I'll handle everything else. Just take them home, and then take care of them."
"She's hurting too!" Jeera snarled.
But I didn't know how to grieve. That wasn't allowed. I knew how to push through it, keep my face calm, and do a woman's duty. I knew how to take care of men. I knew how to be silent, subservient, and useful, and this time I could use that. So, pulling in a breath, I calmed myself. Another forced my throat to relax, and while my heart was still stumbling in my chest and my spine was too tense, I knew I could do this.
"Holly?" I asked. "Heel." Then I turned to Rymar. "I'm going to need you to help me carry him, okay? I'm not big enough."
Blubbering, Rymar nodded, which seemed to be the best I'd get.
Then I bent to cup the side of Zasen's face, making him look up at me. "We need to go home. You have to help me, but then I'll help you, okay?"
"But, Ayla..."
"I know," I soothed, feeling stinging in my eyes, but I hurried to blink it away.
Later. That could happen later. I was a woman, so I had to handle this. Grabbing Zasen's arm, I tried to drape it over my shoulder. Rymar moved to his other side, and the two of us lifted. Thankfully, Zasen helped, lurching to his feet like they were refusing to obey.
"I'll send Mom," Jeera offered.
I shook my head. "Tomorrow. He's not wounded."
"But he's hurting," she insisted.
"And a doctor can't fix this," I told her. "I can."
"And you're not any better!" Jeera snapped. "Ayla, I know you cared about him."
"Yes!" I roared. "But I know how to do things. I know how to help. I've never been allowed to cry, so I'm not going to learn now. Tomorrow, okay? I will take care of my friends, because this is what I can do!"
"Oh, Ayla," Zasen breathed, pulling me up against him and hugging me hard.
My side and shoulder were against him, but Zasen didn't seem to care. He crushed me to his body, and I hugged him back, but then he bent to kiss the top of my head. Rymar pressed in against my other shoulder, leaving me twisted weirdly between them. It hurt, but they needed this, so I pressed my head against Zasen's chest, giving him what comfort I could.
"You need to wash," I told him, looking up to see both men clinging to me. "Let's go home."
"I don't want to," Rymar admitted. "He's not there."
"But we are," I soothed, peeling myself away from them to get both men walking.
I didn't try to say goodbye to anyone. I didn't even look back. They didn't matter right now. I simply got Rymar and Zasen moving, then kept them walking until we finally made it home. There were too many sniffles and more than one sob along the way, but when we finally made it inside, Zasen turned for his chair.
"No," I said, guiding him up the hall. "A bath."
"A drink," Rymar said, peeling off to head into the kitchen. As he walked away, he reached up to wipe at his eyes with both hands.
I'd never seen a man older than twelve cry in the compound, but I wasn't shocked that these two would. They hadn't hidden their affection for each other. That was part of what made me feel so safe around them. They loved each other. They cared enough to cry, and it was something I'd never imagined before.
As we passed the stairs, Zasen gasped as if in pain. I looked up to see more tears falling from his eyes, but didn't mention it. Kanik lived up there. How many times had he paused at the top, trotted down them, or raced up them? No, that reminder was too painful. I had things to do.
Pushing Zasen into the washroom, I finally let him go, but only so I could start the water. It came out cold, which reminded me someone needed to light the heater outside. I'd never done that before, but I'd seen how. I could manage.
"I will be right back," I told Zasen, heading for the door.
He nodded, then turned to light the lantern that lit the room. Stretching my legs, I headed for the kitchen, intending to go out the back, and Holly followed. But just as I stepped through the archway that separated the kitchen from the living room, Rymar came in from the backyard.
"I lit the water," he said. "Go take care of Zasen. I'm okay."
He wasn't. That was a lie, but a kind one, so I pointed at him. "Holly, stay with Rymar."
She wagged her tail once, but didn't look thrilled about it. Rymar, on the other hand, bent so he could pet her. When she moved close enough, he dropped to his knees, wrapped his arms around her neck, and hugged hard.
That meant he wouldn't be alone, so I hurried back to Zasen - only to find him standing there, looking into the mirror like he was lost. Pain etched his face, but this wasn't the kind I could fix with a needle and thread. I could still figure out a way to help.
I knew how to treat injuries. I knew how to care for children. In the state Zasen was in, I could only guess he was in need of the latter more than the former, and my inhibitions would only get in the way. So, turning for the water, I made sure it came out warm, then plugged the tub.
Turning back to him, I gently began to remove his weapons, stacking them up on the counter. Krael first, then the leather he had strapped across his chest with knives and more in it. His belt came after that, and the quiver with it. Last, I removed his bow, setting it behind the door.
That left only one thing on him, and since Zasen wasn't stopping me, I reached for the tuck of leather beneath his belly button. That was when he caught my hands.
"What are you doing, Ayla?"
"Putting you in the bath. You're covered in dirt and Mole, and leather doesn't do well in water." I eased my hands free and continued undressing him. "I trust you, Zasen. You worry about me enough. It's my turn to take care of you."
He pulled me against him and held me tightly, preventing me from removing his loincloth. "I think I need you."
"Then I'll take care of you," I swore. "Now get undressed."
He obeyed, dropping the strip of leather and leaving it where it landed. I steered him into the tub, then passed him a cloth. Zasen sank into the still-filling water. While he wiped away the worst of the blood, I peeled off my leathers, leaving only my underthings to cover me.
I also didn't close the door.
"Let me help?" I begged, stepping into the tub so I could kneel between his legs.
That earned me a sad smile. "This wasn't how I planned to have you get me naked," he joked, but it came out weak.
So I took the cloth from his hands and began soaking it in the water. "Tell me about him, Zasen? Tell me the things I never got to know?"
Zasen tilted his head back, more tears streaming from his eyes, and when he spoke, his voice was high and tight. "He was such a good man. Always, but you knew that." Then he sniffed.
I gently washed the mud from his chest. "How did you meet him?"
That made a sorrowful smile touch his lips. "School."
"I had a crush on him," Rymar said as he walked into the bathroom carrying a bottle and three small glasses.
Holly trailed after him, clearly taking her job seriously, but when she saw me in the tub, she whined. Zasen lifted an arm to pet her, not caring that he soaked her head in the process. That made Rymar smile at her, but he didn't stop until he was sitting on the edge of the tub.
"Kanik always tried to act like he was just a nerd," Rymar went on.
I shook my head, not wanting to ask what that was, but Zasen saw. "Someone who worries about being smart instead of being socially acceptable. It's probably not a thing Moles do, Ry."
Rymar just waved that away as he poured from the bottle into the three glasses. "Kanik thought he wasn't the kind of boy anyone would find appealing," he said instead. "But I knew he had muscles hidden under those poorly-fitting clothes. He wasn't brightly colored, but I like dull women as much as vivid men. To me, Kanik was pretty, and he has such amazing lips." He passed Zasen the first glass. "Had." I got the next, and then he set the bottle beside us.
"Whiskey?" Zasen asked.
Rymar nodded, looking at me. "This will make it easy to forget, Ayla. It doesn't taste good, so swallow it fast."
But Zasen held his up. "To Kanik."
"To Kanik," Rymar agreed, tapping his.
So I mimicked them. "To Kanik," I whispered.
Then the men tossed the liquid back, so I did the same. It wasn't good. It burned, but hopefully it would also keep the pain far enough away for me to make sure these two were going to be okay.