Chapter 17
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
brIAR
“W hy is she still so tiny?”
I pressed my lips together as Callum held Briar in his hands as if she were a bomb ready to go off. Considering she had just been changed because her diaper had exploded, it wasn’t that far off. But still, seeing my big brother with his large hands, grumpy face, and broad shoulders holding Briar as if he could break her at any moment just made me smile.
“You don’t have to carry her like you’re going to drop her at any moment.”
“But also, carry her like you could drop her at any moment,” Teagan put in, wringing her hands in front of her.
I smiled at my two siblings, knowing that they were here for me as much as they were for Maisie. The one-year anniversary of losing Mal was coming up, and while they wouldn’t be here for that day, they were here now. And I was so grateful to them, even though Callum looked as if he were ready to run away as quickly as he could.
“Here, you’re supporting her head, and she’s looking up at you with happiness in her eyes.”
“Teagan said it was just gas,” Callum rumbled.
“It is just gas,” my sister said with a sigh.
Callum and Teagan were both older than me, while I was third in line.
We had a decently large family, or at least I had thought I’d had until I met the Wilders.
I knew that they missed Mal in their own ways and were dealing with it in their own ways. However, having Maisie in our lives seems to have at least healed some of the hurt.
I didn’t know how all of my brothers felt. Mostly because they did their normal Ashford guy thing and hid their feelings and only spoke in grunts if I could even get them on the phone. Perhaps if I had moved back up to Ashford Creek like many of them were doing, things would be different. But I had no plans to do so.
I was going to stay in Austin. Or San Antonio. And I was going to travel the U.S. and the world with Maisie in my arms, and doing what I loved best. Writing songs for people who knew how to truly feel the lyrics.
And maybe along the way I would figure out what the hell I was doing with Gabriel. Not that I was going to talk about that right then. Because Teagan would be nosy and want to fix everything for me. And Callum would want to beat the shit out of him, just because he dared touch his little sister.
Then again, maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he would be glad that Gabriel and I were actually doing something about whatever the hell we were in the middle of. Not that I knew what we were doing. And frankly, Mal had already taken care of the beating part.
I held back a sigh, nearly shuddering when I remembered our last moments.
I didn’t want to think about that, or what had become of that night.
I wanted to pretend we had all moved past it, but Gabriel had pointedly not talked about it at all. We moved on in our lives as if nothing had happened, and we weren’t worrying about the bad things. Even though I knew that that was exactly the opposite.
“You have everything in the bag?” Teagan asked as she took the diaper bag from me and began to rummage through it.
I rolled my eyes. “Of course I do. And it’s organized in terms of efficiency. Please don’t reorganize. I’m the one who had the baby.”
“Excuse me, Baby Sister, but I taught you this organizational skill, thank you very much.”
“Are you sure one of you doesn’t want to take the baby? I figured I could just drive the girls around and then make sure that they were fed. And then bring them home. Without actually having to hold Maisie.”
Callum kept saying those things, but he didn’t tear his gaze off her.
I quickly snapped a photo, as Teagan gave me a thumbs up behind Callum’s back.
That was going to go in a frame somewhere.
“You guys will be fine.” I bit my lip, trying not to freak out that I was letting two of my siblings take my baby away from me, even for the afternoon.
“Of course we’ll be fine. We’re the best aunt and uncle out there.”
“Don’t say that around the Wilders, or you’re going to have to fight,” I teased, even though worry continued to slide over me at the thought of not having Maisie in my arms the entire day. “Maybe we can just stay here in the cabin and you guys don’t have to leave it all.”
Callum and Teagan gave each other looks before Teagan finally stared at me.
“You need a break. We need to be the fun aunt and uncle. But you need a break. The media doesn’t know what Callum and I look like. So cameras aren’t going to be following us around, and Maisie’s all caught up on her shots. So we can go out in public. And you can get some work done because I know you have a song right at your fingertips and you’ve been antsy. Hence why you called us. And you have to go through the applications for your nanny. And you have a girls’ lunch with the Wilder women. So enjoy your afternoon.”
“But I could still do that with Maisie,” I said quickly as I moved forward, pulling Maisie into my arms. Callum looked bereft for a moment, and if I wasn’t so stressed out about the afternoon, I would smile at the thought. Considering the man was so afraid of holding a baby, here he was, not wanting to let go.
“Give that baby back, Briar Ashford. I love you with all of my heart, but you need to take a moment and just breathe. You’re allowed to do that.”
“I know that. But it’s just so weird. I like her in my sight at all times.”
“Hence why you’re going to do the big girl thing and let us have her for a couple of hours. I know this sucks, but you’re the one who said you had a lot to do, and this gives us time with our niece.”
“Okay fine. But we’re going to go over the list one more time.”
“That’s fine with me,” Teagan said quickly as I finally let go of Maisie and put her back into Callum’s arms. He looked nervous again, but I was grateful as he moved over to the car seat to buckle her in.
“Watch her head,” Teagan and I said at the same time, and Callum growled.
“I’ve done this before. She might be small and I’m afraid to break her, but I’m not actually going to do it.”
“So grumpy,” Teagan teased.
“Okay, the list.”
And we went over it one more time, and I watched the Ashfords take my baby off the Wilder property and out for an afternoon.
Away from me.
I was a terrible mother.
But I knew this was important as soon as I would have to travel for an agent meeting, and a session in the studio. And right after that, Gabriel and the band had a gig. Meaning all of us would be traveling with him. I didn’t know exactly how that had come about, but I’d be going with them. As Maisie’s mother, and maybe just with Gabriel. I wasn’t sure where we stood, because that would mean we would actually have to talk to each other. And that was something that we were very good at not doing.
It frustrated me to no end that neither one of us could actually bring up Mal. Or what we wanted. It didn’t help that the awkwardness always settled in when we were together, and then that would turn into heat, and there would be no speaking.
I could be myself with him when we were in bed. I could growl right back and tell him exactly what I wanted. And I could let him take control in those instances because it made sense in those moments.
But as soon as the orgasms faded, and we had to act like adults, we were too polite to each other. I didn’t know who we were to each other, even though the feelings that I had been hiding from myself for so long were coming to the forefront.
I had loved Gabriel Wilder in some fashion since I had first gotten to know him. And I had pushed those feelings away because it would just complicate life.
Gabriel had been a playboy, going out into the world with Mal and sleeping with way too many women. And I had tried to pretend that I didn’t have any feelings.
And then I had given in one night.
And now I kept giving in.
Lyrics began to slide through my mind at that moment, and I went into the small office that really wasn’t an office and pulled out my guitar. It looked odd sitting next to Gabriel’s, as if they were a perfect pair, and this was something that we did all the time.
But it wasn’t.
Once again we were playing house. I sat cross-legged on the floor, notebook in front of me, and let the first verse slide through me.
Can you stay for me?
I continued to write, singing softly as the words began to flow. And then the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as I turned to see I wasn’t alone. “Oh. I didn’t know you were there.”
“I didn’t want to interrupt. But you’re fucking amazing.”
“Oh yeah?” I asked, a blush staining my cheeks.
“I love hearing you work. I love the sound of your voice. It’s just so damn good. I mean, you have two Grammys. You know you’re the shit.”
I rolled my eyes, tapping my pencil on the paper. “Hmm? You have more.”
“And you’ll get more through your writing. I know you will.” He paused, before taking a step into the room. When I didn’t say anything, he sat down next to me. He leaned against the desk, crossing his legs at the ankle in front of him.
“Who’s that song for?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know yet. I’m not a singer, not really,” I corrected as he raised a brow. “I know I have a good voice. And I’m not ashamed of that, but I don’t want to go out there into the limelight. I like writing. It’s what I’m good at. Chris Stapleton did that for years before he got his breakout hit. And I don’t want that breakout hit. I just want to write. And I make good money doing it. Somehow.”
“Because you’re damn talented. And I want the song.”
I froze, blinking up at him. “What?”
“The one you’re working on? I want it.”
My lips twitched. “You can’t just claim it, you know.”
“Maybe not, but I’ll fight for it.” His eyes darkened, and I tried to ignore the warmth spreading through me.
“So you’re really going to make sure Wilder stays together?” I asked, knowing that the question was as if I threw a rock into a quiet pond.
He picked at lint on his jeans, before giving me a tight nod.
“I don’t know what else I would do. I think I need it.”
“Okay. But you’re going to have to prove that you earned the song. And technically, I’m working on two songs at once.”
His eyes brightened. “Can I hear?”
“Only if you help me with this bridge.”
“Damn straight. I’m here to help.” He scooted forward, and I set the guitar on my lap, letting a few notes play through me. “This is good,” he said, looking at the words, and then he began to sing, that growl of a voice soothing somehow. It went straight through me, just like it always did. He was so damn sexy when he sang, and yet it was more than that. It was the emotion of everything slamming into me, and I knew he felt the words. And when he got to the part that I didn’t have lyrics for, he continued, as if he knew exactly what I wanted to say, even though I hadn’t known it at all.
“What do you think?” he asked, frowning down at the lyrics.
“I think you finally figured it out,” I said, a little annoyed. “How did you do that so quickly?”
“Because you had everything right there. But what about this note? I think it needs to go one octave lower.”
I frowned, before nodding. “You need a harmony there.”
“Yeah, Joshua could probably do it, but maybe Rocky?”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t know if her voice would work. What about Kiera?”
He stiffened, and I realized I might’ve stepped into it again. “I don’t know how her voice sounds. Isn’t that a bullshit answer?”
“You guys are still getting to know one another.”
“You don’t have to placate me. I know I’m an asshole to her.”
I sighed and set down my guitar. “You are an asshole to her. And I get why you’re angry.”
“Mal should be there.”
I froze, and knew that he rarely brought up Mal. I needed him to. Desperately. But every time that I did in the past, he’d just stop the conversation.
“But he’s not, Gabriel. And I hate it just as much as you.”
“I don’t know if Kiera can do it.”
“Then maybe we could work it so it’s just your voice. Or you can ask her.”
He was quiet for so long that I was afraid I’d gone too far. “The only voice I hear with mine is yours.”
I shook my head even though his answer did something to me I didn’t want to think about. “I don’t sing. If you want this song, we have to make it yours.”
“It’s ours, Briar. Maybe that’s the problem.”
And he continued to work as I stared down at him, wondering what the hell we were doing.
I was damn good at what I did. I had power behind the scenes in certain aspects, power that I knew could slip through my fingers if I didn’t keep on it. But now I needed to figure out if I could do this as a mom with Gabriel. Because I could work anywhere, and I had when I had been on tour with Mal and Wilder.
Later that day we had to interview nannies, and that would be one step into figuring out what this phase of our lives would be. In the end, we would have to talk about Mal. The one thing that we never truly did. Beyond a casual slipup.
“It should really be your voice,” Gabe repeated.
“You’ll find a way to make it work. Because it’s your song, you know. I think I was always writing it for Wilder.”
He met my gaze and leaned forward, brushing his lips on mine. “Thank you. You’re so fucking talented.”
“You’re not too bad yourself.”
And then we went back to work, before my alarm buzzed, and we had to start the next phase of the day. Picking out someone who would take care of our child. And once again, we moved to the next step as if it were a sure thing. As if Gabriel would always be there, and I wouldn’t get my heart broken. I would give him this moment, give him these few weeks. And then, for Maisie’s sake, and for mine, things would have to change.
As he kissed me again, I let the bubble stay where it was.
I could burst it later and fall through the pieces I knew that remained.