Pieces of Me (The Wilder Brothers #9)

Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

brIAR

S ix days later I woke up in Gabriel’s arms. I had slept in his bed every night since the evening of the shower. There was no more wondering if someone should sleep on the couch or in the guest room. We had fallen into each other, clinging to one another.

He was who I wanted, except I didn’t know which Gabriel I was going to get. The caring one who gave all and was always there. Or the one so lost in his thoughts he forgot what he wanted.

And if I didn’t start standing up for myself, I was going to get walked on far more than I ever planned.

Gabriel groaned behind me, his hard cock pressing into my back. I wanted to press back into him, to wake up like we had every morning, but then reality settled in.

I knew exactly what today was. And why I couldn’t be in his arms until I spoke to him about what today meant.

I carefully slid out of bed, grateful when he clung to the pillow in my stead.

I nearly rolled my eyes at the moment, wondering if maybe he just liked cuddling, and I happened to be just as fine as a pillow.

But nothing truly felt funny today.

I ran my hand over my heart, aware that Gabriel’s T-shirt was thin and worn enough that he would be able to see every curve.

I couldn’t hear Maisie on the baby monitor, so I walked into her nursery, and rested my hand on her little chest.

She slept with her mouth pouting, and I knew she would wake up soon and want to be fed. And we would begin our day.

Today of all days.

Knowing I didn’t have much time until she woke up, I made my way to the guest restroom, so I wouldn’t wake up Gabriel. He rarely slept these days. Between the band, his family, and me and Maisie, he didn’t have time to sleep. And when he did, it was a restless kind of sleep.

I would love to know what he was thinking, but the damn man never told me.

I leaned against the bathroom counter and stared at the woman in the reflection.

My breasts were fuller than they had been, my face a little softer, my hips slightly wider. But I still looked like the Briar from a year ago.

My wrist ached every once in a while, and sometimes I woke up to the sounds of screaming.

But today was the day that I never wanted to come.

Because today was one year since my brother had died.

It felt like so much more time had passed since then. I was a completely different person from that moment in time.

I could barely even remember the Briar I had been when I had walked onto that tour bus, knowing that I would see Gabriel.

I had been nervous, even though I had pretended I was nonchalant and totally over it.

There was no getting over Gabriel Wilder. I’d even lied to myself in my own thoughts, and yet I had been there, waiting for him just as much as I’d been waiting for Mal.

It honestly hadn’t surprised me that Mal had forgotten I would be there. That he had found a way to hook up with someone. What had surprised me was that Gabriel hadn’t. Part of me had hoped to hell he hadn’t brought a fan onto the tour bus with him. That wouldn’t have been awkward at all.

But I wouldn’t have done anything else with him. I wouldn’t have pushed at him or wanted more.

Because it would’ve been awkward. Because I never knew what he was thinking. And Mal would never have been okay with it.

I didn’t understand the jealousy, or rather the over-protectiveness. But then again, I didn’t really have a best friend that would date one of my brothers. I had friends in the business, and I was truly friendly with Lark but that was as close as it had ever been even before she married my cousin. But Lark was on tour, so I didn’t get to see her often. And Teagan was my best friend.

How pathetic was that?

I had somehow closed myself off from my past, from all the connections that I had had before Maisie, and I felt as though I were an island. With my only connection to the real world, Gabriel.

And yet I wasn’t even sure what we had was real.

Something needed to change.

I let out a breath and wiped the tears from my face.

“I miss you Mal. I hate it. I hate that you’re not here.”

Maisie’s cries echoed at that moment, and I swallowed hard and splashed water on my face.

I walked into the nursery and stared down at the person that was now the center of my life.

“Hello Baby Girl. Good morning.”

Her little face scrunched, and I leaned down to pick her up.

“You’ve got to be hungry, aren’t you? You know, one day you’re going to be a morning person. And not so grumpy in the morning.”

She wailed even harder.

I settled myself into the borrowed nursery chair and made sure that Maisie got her breakfast.

Gabriel walked out at that moment, shirtless, in a pair of gray sweatpants.

The way he was tenting them told me that he hadn’t done anything about that erection from when I had woken up. But it didn’t matter at that moment.

Not with the lost look on his face, and the way that he rubbed at his eye, trying to push away sleep.

“Morning.”

I stared at him, letting that gruff voice wash over me.

“Morning. She was grumpy this morning.”

“I could hear that. I can get her ready for the day if you want. You said you were going out, right?”

So domestic. And I had no idea what to call him. He wasn’t my boyfriend. It was way too complicated for that.

But was this a relationship? I would ask those questions. Just not today.

Not today of all days.

“I promised Callum that I would pick up that signed book for him. The author rarely goes out, but he pre-ordered from a little bookshop. And since they don’t ship, I get to go in and get it.”

He studied my face, and I tried not to blush. Why did he always do that to me? “I remember him talking about that. I always liked that he collected books that way. It was easy to get him birthday gifts when we were on the road. Are you going to do anything else when you’re out?”

I didn’t think he realized what day it was yet. He wasn’t quite awake. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be here when he did. Though the additional connections in our past—the fact that he’d always been there—wrapped around me like a comfort. Maybe we didn’t need labels since we’d found this odd peace.

Or maybe I was fooling myself.

“Maisie and I are planning on meeting Aurora for lunch, since she’ll already be in the area.” And so I wouldn’t be alone today. Aurora had lost her husband and had somehow found peace. And while I was doing my best to try to search for light, today would be about staying busy. Part of me wanted to invite Gabriel, but I knew that wasn’t an option. Even in a place far away from celebrities and that life, we couldn’t go out together.

No wonder I didn’t know who we were to one another, since we couldn’t even go on a proper date.

“Do you want me to ask Ridge to send someone with you guys?” he asked. He moved forward, running his finger over Maisie’s cheek, and then the top of my breast.

“I wasn’t planning on it. I never had to when I was just Mal’s sister, but if you think I should…”

He froze just then, as he stared at me. And that’s when it clicked. The date had finally hit him.

“Are you sure you should go out today?” he asked, his voice devoid of emotion.

“I’m trying to figure out how to live my life. Today of all days.”

“Yeah. I get that.”

Again, no emotion.

I would give him grace today. Because I needed it for myself. And then I would have to think about what I wanted. What Maisie needed. The anniversary would be in the news and the world would be waiting for Wilder. For the band. For a glimpse of who they were now. But if I were out without Gabriel, there was a higher chance no one would bother me. I might write the music, I might be the mother of Gabriel’s child, the sister of Mal Ashford…but I was still the unknown—exactly where I wanted to be.

“While you’re out, I’ll go through that box of mail Max sent over. It’s taking over the cabin and I guess…I guess I should finally deal. I’ll go through it eventually. It’s weird that I almost resent some of it.”

I stood up and moved forward so I could rest my hand on Maisie as Gabriel rocked back and forth. “I know. But so many people love you, Gabriel.”

Me among them.

But I didn’t say that.

He met my gaze, and the pleading in them nearly broke me. I wanted him to love me, but first, he needed to love himself. And even thinking that confused me. “I need to do better. I know that. I know I locked myself away. And I’m grateful that everybody gave me all that space. But I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or do.”

“Maybe just start there. That you’re grateful.”

Gabriel looked over my head, his face gray. “Do you think Max is going to want the band to say anything today?”

I froze, aware that he was talking about today’s moment. That had to be some kind of type of growth. “You have to ask him. I’m not saying anything. It’s not like I have social media anymore.”

He grimaced, but I didn’t elaborate. I’d had to delete my Instagram and a few other accounts when the news of Maisie had broken. My comments had been flooded with either congratulations, demands, or outright cruelty because I had dared to take their beloved rockstar. Maybe that was one reason that I was hiding out here with the Wilders, and again in Austin. Because nobody knew who I was out here.

I wasn’t even sure I knew who I was.

He reached out and pushed my hair from my face. “I’m sorry. About all of this crap thrown at you. I can’t even take you out for dinner or walk Maisie in the damn park. I’m sorry about the people who make this harder.”

Hope mixed with the despair in the way as he spoke. “About your fans? You don’t have to be sorry for them. But I could do without the women who hate me on sight.”

He grimaced. “I’ll never understand that.”

“What? That people are jealous that I’ve touched you? Kissed you? Even though it is a parasocial relationship.”

“I’d be jealous as fuck if somebody was touching you, so I get that.”

I swallowed hard, trying to ignore the warmth sliding through me at that. There it was again, him dropping bombs of truth and emotion amongst the devastation. I would never be able to understand this man. “We’re not parasocial.”

His lips curved into a slight smile. “No. We’re not. But I am sorry. If they say anything to you, let me know.”

I wasn’t sure I’d ever do that to him. He had enough on his shoulders and, frankly, I was afraid of what would happen when I did.

“Would it help if I brought Ridge with me today?” I asked, knowing that I was leaning into his paranoia.

His shoulders immediately relaxed. “Yes. But you don’t have to do it to placate me.”

“It’s totally placating you, but I will. I’ll totally do it to keep Maisie safe. How’s that?”

Gabriel leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. “Thank you. And totally not parasocial. I’ll see you soon.”

His phone buzzed, and I took Maisie from him as he went to answer. He was so good at that, changing the name of the game in the middle of us trying not to say the important things.

So we weren’t parasocial, so what exactly were we?

I shook my head and went to get Maisie and me ready. When I texted Ridge that I was going out and Gabriel thought it would be good if I had someone with me, he said he would come along.

Ridge drove us all the way across town to the indie bookshop that Callum had mentioned. There was truly no reason for me to do this today, but I needed to get out of the house and just let the sunlight hit my face. Aurora was also in a client meeting near here, so lunch with a friend would be the perfect way to pretend I was okay. I wrapped Maisie around my chest, loving the gift from Ava that let my hands stay free.

With Maisie safely tucked against my chest, and my purse on my shoulder, we walked the two blocks to the bookstore with Ridge keeping his eyes on every point around us.

“You know, I feel like Lark or Bethany right now. I just need bigger sunglasses and a hat.” As both women were in the news constantly with their success, their lives were far different from mine. Only Gabriel truly understood how they lived day to day.

“I do have an extra ball cap if you need it.”

My lips twitched, surprising me that I could laugh today of all days. “We’re just picking up a book.”

“And then lunch around the corner. And there’s always donuts on the way home.”

“I wonder how long we’d have to stand in line for that?” I asked, my stomach suddenly rumbling.

“I bet you if we drop either one of the famous people’s names in our family, we can get in quickly.”

I turned to Gabriel’s brother, intrigued. “Do you ever do that?”

“Hell no.”

I grinned as I went inside to pick up my pre-order. Yes, I had scheduled this today for a reason. I’d wanted to stay busy. If I could have scheduled doctor’s appointments, hair appointments, and everything else today, I would have. As long as I didn’t have to think about Mal, it would be fine.

But I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

Thankfully, there wasn’t a line, and I immediately picked up my book and walked side by side with Ridge to go meet up with Aurora.

We turned the corner, and a flash hit my gaze. I hadn’t even realized that somebody was coming up until Ridge moved in front of me and I nearly tripped.

“Is that Gabriel’s lovechild?” somebody called, and I lowered my head, cursing myself.

Ridge blocked the way for the two photographers, as I turned into the restaurant, covering the top of Maisie’s head. She had been completely underneath the wrap throughout the walk but had slowly meandered her way out just to nuzzle against my chest, and I wasn’t sure if they got a photo of her. I had no idea what I had been thinking, other than I hadn’t been thinking, trying to live my life and taking my baby out in public.

So many reassurances to Gabriel, and I had fucked up.

“Are you okay?” Ridge asked.

“I’m fine,” I lied.

“What’s wrong?” Aurora said as she came forward, frowning. “Are you okay?”

“Can we just go home?” I said in place of an answer.

Aurora ran her hands over my hair and then looked down at a sleeping Maisie on my chest. “Of course. You look pale. Do you want to sit down?”

“I just want to get Maisie home.”

I didn’t even realize tears were sliding down my cheeks until Aurora wiped them away. Of course this was going to be the moment that I broke. Where everybody was watching. Aurora held me close as I covered Maisie completely, and then Ridge got us to the SUV quickly.

Ridge drove quickly through the tight streets until we got to the highway. “Aurora, Trace is going to come pick up your car later.”

“I don’t mind. I’m glad that we’re all together.”

I let out a breath, my hand shaking as I touched my daughter’s cheek. “I’m sorry about this.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault,” Aurora reassured.

The other woman sat up front with Ridge as I sat in the back next to Maisie, knowing that I had done this to try to not think about the real world, and the real world hit back anyway. I held Maisie’s little hand as she looked up at me, such innocence in her gaze.

“I’m sorry, Baby Girl.”

“The photographer said he didn’t get a photo of Maisie,” Ridge growled.

“Do you believe him?”

“Hell no, at least I hadn’t until he showed me his entire memory card. My arm’s blocking her completely. But you’re in the photos.”

Relief hit me hard, even though I didn’t like the idea of my own photo being taken. “That’s fine. They can splash me all over the tabloids. It’s my fault for being out.”

“Don’t blame yourself,” Ridge bit out. I had a feeling he was blaming himself instead.

I shook my head. “I should have left Maisie with one of the Wilders or with the nanny we spent weeks trying to find.”

Aurora leaned over the center console to frown at me. “You’re breastfeeding. And you’re allowed to walk around with your daughter. I hate people.”

I sighed. “Same. But there’s nothing I can do now. Gabriel’s going to hate this.”

“He’s not going to blame you,” Ridge countered. “If anything, he’s going to blame himself.”

“Which doesn’t help the situation,” I muttered.

They didn’t say anything at that, as I just let the tears fall. Aurora twisted slightly so she could put her hand between the seats. I gripped it, needing a lifeline.

Of all the people around me, these two would understand what I was going through the most. Yes, it should have been Gabriel, but it wasn’t. It was the two people in the front seats who had lost everything once and were crawling back to their futures. When we pulled into the resort thirty minutes later, my tears were dry, and Maisie was crying for lunch.

“Do you want me to bring over something?” Aurora asked.

I shook my head. “I’m just going to head back. Thank you for today. I’m sorry everything went off the rails.”

Ridge leaned forward to give me a one harmed hug. “I’m sorry I didn’t see them in time. Or at least knock them over.”

I tried to smile, but there was nothing in me. He handed over Callum’s book, and I nodded in thanks before heading inside.

Gabriel was nowhere to be found, but that was a good thing. I needed a moment.

I looked down at my phone and realized I had missed the group chat with my siblings. We were all hurting in different ways, and yet I was the one running away, just as Gabriel had at the start. I added my own texts to the chat but couldn’t bring up the energy to feel anything more than the hollow ache ebbing within.

Maisie kept crying, and I knew she didn’t want me. She wanted her daddy. I wanted to resent myself for that, to kick at the world. But the one thing I could do was make Maisie happy. And that was by giving her to her daddy. Not myself.

I pulled out my phone and texted Gabriel.

Me:

Maisie wants you. Are you on the property?

Gabriel:

We’re at Lark’s studio. The whole band. You want me to come over?

I swallowed hard, grateful that he was with the band. Because they needed him, too. Everybody was heartbroken and was doing so good about not talking about it. And that was the worst thing to do.

Me:

I’ll come right over.

Gabriel:

I’ll see you soon.

I slid my phone into my back pocket, grabbed a few things for Maisie, and made the walk toward the studio. I needed the air on my face, as Maisie continued to cry. I hoped I wasn’t ruining anyone’s day with a little girl’s tears, but I was crying right along with her.

Why did I think I could just be busy enough so I wouldn’t have to think about Mal?

My brother was dead. He would no longer smile and laugh. No longer sit behind his kit and make jokes with the band.

He would no longer play and live his life to the fullest.

So many others had died that day, and I had done my best not to think about any of it.

Not until it was too late.

Gabriel met me halfway, a frown on his face. “I didn’t know you were walking. Here, let me take her.”

I immediately handed over Maisie, who quieted down as soon as he touched her. “I really want to yell at you for the way she responds to your touch.”

He shook his head before leaning forward to kiss my temple. “She’s just being temperamental. We know that when she’s a teenager, she’s going to hate me the most.”

Images of Maisie as a teenager hit my mind, and it felt so far-fetched that I wasn’t sure what to say. Because was Gabriel going to really be by my side at that moment?

The fact that I didn’t know made everything hurt worse.

“What are you and the band doing?”

Gabriel rocked Maisie in his arms and frowned. “Talking about Mal.”

I froze, hope sliding through me. “Good. Any stories I know?” I tried to keep my voice lighthearted, but I knew I’d failed by the way he stiffened ever so slightly.

“They’re talking about how Mal skinny-dipped with Lacey once and ended up getting caught by the other band we were headlining with.”

I cringed. “I don’t know that story.”

“Well, it ended with the band joining them, and I really don’t want to tell the rest of it.”

I shuddered. “Were you part of that?” I held up my hand. “No, I don’t want to know.”

Gabriel laughed. “No, I was out with you. Remember? It was when we snuck into that new superhero movie that we really wanted to see. But I never had time while on tour and hiding from cameras isn’t always easy.”

I smiled at the memory, the ice around me slowly beginning to melt. “I remember that. And we didn’t get caught somehow.”

“Sometimes it works.” He paused. “Ridge told me what happened.”

“I’m glad that you made me bring him. I feel so stupid.”

“It’s my fault.”

“It’s not. It’s the people who want photos. Like those who send fan mail just for Maisie.” Max had shown me those letters before giving them to Gabriel and I still felt weird about it. Gabriel and I had joked about parasocial relationships, but the admiration for my infant daughter terrified me. I was scared that they would want a piece of her just as they begged for Gabriel.

“I don’t understand people. I just want to play music. And it took me a while to realize that’s what I want to do. To still play.”

“And I just want to write. And yet it’s never that easy.”

“No, it’s not.” We had moved, so we stood side by side, watching the wind breeze through the trees. He had one arm holding Maisie, the other around my shoulders. I hadn’t even realized I was leaning on him, both of us not talking about the big things and yet talking about everything at once.

“Are you going to come to LA with us?”

Surprised at the change in subject, I took a moment to answer. “I would do it for Mal, but I also want to be there with you. For Maisie.”

He relaxed against me, and I hadn’t realized how tense he’d been. “We’ll bring the new nanny and try to figure this out. Because I don’t know what I’m doing, Briar.”

“I never know what I’m doing. But I miss my brother, Gabriel.”

He didn’t say anything, just squeezed my shoulder. “We’ll do LA. We’ll play music, write some more. And show Maisie that this world isn’t all about people taking things from us.”

I didn’t say anything to that, just leaned into him.

“I see him, you know,” Gabriel whispered.

I looked up at him, frowning. “Who?”

His face gray, he looked down at Maisie in his arms. “Mal. I see him in the distance. Staring at me. Judging. Smiling. Everything. And I blame myself. I know it doesn’t make sense. So no, I can’t talk about it right now. Not today. But this thing between me and you? It feels real. And part of me really hates that it does.”

When he didn’t let me go and just held me, I tried to breathe, tried to think through the ache, as my heart shattered into a million pieces.