Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
GAbrIEL
Rain falls down.
The tears slide through memory.
Heartbreak cuts deep.
Yet the world stands by while I fall.
T he crowd sang along, the sound of the drums echoing in my ears. Kiera did her thing, and it felt right. Part of me wondered if I were being dishonest even thinking that, but somehow, we clicked as a band.
Joshua stood back, reveling in the noise, as Rocky stood silently by me, staring at the crowd. Tears slid down her cheeks, and I reached for her hand, squeezing.
Camera flashes lit up the concert hall, but I didn’t care what the news would say about us. Frankly, they were so busy worrying about how we would fail and falter. They didn’t focus on our internal relationships.
They only seemed to focus on Briar. And the fact that we weren’t feeding the media only seemed to enhance their needs.
“Thanks for coming out tonight,” David called out, and I pulled myself from my thoughts. I was supposed to be the one who had spoken first in the past. It was always me. Only David had been forced to step forward—a spotlight he didn’t like considering his past.
And I realized in that moment, I could do this.
I looked around the concert hall, trying to see if I could find Mal’s ghost. What an odd thing to think. I knew it wasn’t his actual ghost, just a figment of my imagination, but I didn’t see him there. Would he still haunt me? Maybe. But as music flowed through my veins, and the crowd shouted our names, it felt like coming home.
I’d run away from my problems before, fell deep into my own despair and selfishness, and I wasn’t okay. But music finally seemed like an antidote, rather than the drug itself.
“I know this is a smaller setting than we usually have,” I began, and the crowds cheered for a moment before quieting down. They all seemed to want to know what I had to say. The problem was I didn’t have an answer for them. Not yet. But as I looked around at my band, and then over into the side of the stage where Briar stood with Max and the rest of our team, I let out a deep breath.
“When we first started Wilder, the name was just a joke,” I began, and Rocky reached out and squeezed my hand once again before moving toward the side so she could stand near Kiera.
“We couldn’t think about a name, so Mal joked that we should just call it Wilder. Because it was all about me. And I had a kick-ass name.”
People cheered, and Kiera let out a soft drumbeat, with Joshua laughing into the mic.
“He was right. I do have a kick-ass name.”
Another round of shouts and applause, a few tears in the crowd.
“Although Ashford was pretty damn good, if I do say so myself.” I turned to Briar, tears sliding down her cheeks as well.
I had to pull my gaze from her because if I didn’t, people would know. And I wasn’t even sure what I felt in that moment.
But I couldn’t hide anymore. I knew that. I had to go forward. For Maisie. The daughter I never knew I wanted. And for Briar, the woman I told myself I could never have.
“We used to play in dive bars, at county fairs, and people joked that we were decent, but they were ready to move on.”
“Never! We love you, Angel!” someone called from the crowd, and people cheered and laughed, and I swallowed hard.
“Throughout it all, you guys were there.” Another deep breath. “You found yourselves in our music, and let us do the same. Over a year ago now, everything changed.”
I didn’t know what I was doing, why I was speaking, but I realized that the others had come up behind me. David, broad-shouldered and stoic. Joshua leaned into Kiera as she held his hand and squeezed. Rocky on my other side, giving me strength.
“A year ago we lost Mal, Lacey, Hendrix, Orion, Chad, Marnie, Michael, and Sean.” I paused, clearing my throat. “We lost our crew, who had been with us since the beginning. Those people made sure that we were healthy and didn’t fly off the edge. They made sure that we were here for you. And they’re gone. And I don’t even have the words to convey how much I fucking miss them.”
People were openly crying now, and yet the large concert hall was so silent I could hear their breaths coming in slight pants.
“Lacey kicked ass in her band. And I know that they’re going through the same hell that we went through trying to find someone to replace her. Because no one’s going to replace Lacey. She had such talent and made all of us laugh. They were our opening act, but they are going to continue to rise.”
I looked over to the side at Briar again, who just gave me a soft smile, and I took in whatever strength I could.
“We lost Mal and—” I paused, and realized I didn’t have any more words to say. I didn’t want to speak about Mal. I couldn’t . Because if I did, it would be over. And I’d have to find a way to move on. Only I didn’t know if there was no moving on.
“And we miss him every single day,” David said softly in my silence. I didn’t have any more words, and the fact that I had spoken at all was too much as it was. “Every song that we play brings the memories of those who came before us, and those that we lost. As well as what comes after. So thank you for showing us love and grace as we figure out this new venture.”
I turned to Kiera then and swallowed hard. “And everybody welcome Kiera Foley. She’s a Wilder now, and I can’t wait to figure out what new music we can make.”
People cheered then, chanting Kiera’s name, and she looked at me wide-eyed. I tilted the mic stand toward her, and she shook her head.
“Tell them hi. Come on, you can do it,” I teased.
She glared at me, before leaning into the mic. “I’m much better behind my drums. But thank you for the warm welcome. I’m going to make you proud. And if you think I don’t, I’ll just keep beating things until I make music. How’s that sound?”
People cheered, and I let out a hollow laugh, each of us going back to our positions. We moved into the next song, and the next, and as we ended our set, music still ran through my veins.
I ran off the stage, handing over my guitar to a new crew member. We were still trying to figure out the best way for things to work, but we were finding our rhythm. Then I moved to the side, my gaze on the one person who’d caught mine throughout the set. Without thinking, I cupped Briar’s face in my hands and crushed my mouth to hers. She wrapped her arms around my waist, and I groaned into her.
“You did okay,” Briar said, and I wiped her tears away with my thumbs.
“Only okay?”
“Yeah. I guess you can play guitar. Though you’re going to have to do better if you want my songs.”
I rolled my eyes and kissed her again.
“It’s about damn time,” Rocky teased.
I glared at her and her wife. “What?”
“You two have been making moon eyes at each other for a decade.”
I froze, a deer in headlights.
Rocky’s wife thankfully pulled her back. “Ignore us. Enjoy your night off.”
My bassist rolled her eyes. “What? We all thought it. Mal would’ve been okay with it eventually.”
My chest tightened, and then Kiera and Rocky’s wife were tugging her away, as I looked over at Briar. Bulbs flashed and the sound of phone cameras clicked as they pointed toward the two of us. People shouted our names, bellowed questions, and I realized I still had my arms around her.
“Let’s go get something to eat.”
She blinked. “In the hotel room? Room service sounds great.”
I shook my head and squeezed her hand again. I was tired of hiding and if the cameras were here, then maybe we could find a place without them. They’d already gotten their photos, after all. “No. Let’s go out.”
She raised her brows. “Like on a date? I don’t think we’ve ever done that.”
Guilt swamped me, and I pulled her away from the frenzy. “That’s a problem I need to rectify.”
“Gabriel. There are going to be cameras everywhere. It’s LA.”
The more she tried to warn me, the more I wanted to prove her wrong. She was perfection outside of the spotlight, but my life grew underneath it. There had to be a middle ground. If I were going to leap over the edge of a cliff against my best friend’s wishes, I was going to do it full out. “Maisie’s safe with Hilarie, and we should at least try.”
“Is this because of what Rocky said?” she asked softly.
“Let’s forget what Rocky said,” I pushed. Something flashed over her eyes, and I couldn’t read it. But I didn’t want to think about what Mal would’ve said in this moment. Because if I did, I wasn’t sure what I would feel.
“Come on, I’m a rockstar. Let me treat you to at least one fun night.”
“Okay, but I’m not drinking champagne out of your belly button.”
I threw back my head and laughed, as phone cameras continued to click. “Let’s go.”
The band dispersed, everybody going about their business, as one of the new crew members came up to me. “Hey, some person gave me this for you. Was I supposed to give it to you?”
Without thinking, I took it from him and frowned. “What is it?”
“It looks like a letter. Anyway, I have to go pack up.”
I let out a sigh as Briar took it, a frown on her face. “He doesn’t know that he’s not supposed to do that. There’s protocol.”
I nodded, my mind going in a million directions. “Yeah. But they’ll learn. I really miss our crew.”
“I miss them too.” She looked down at the note and paled.
Uneasy, I leaned toward her. “What is it?”
“It’s not to you. It’s to me and Maisie.”
I tore the note from her hand and growled. “What the fuck?”
Maisie, you’re so beautiful.
You must get it from your daddy.
We’re so glad that you’re making our angels happy.
And Briar? Don’t worry.
We’ll take care of Maisie too.
The fans love her.
It wasn’t signed, and chills crept over my skin. “I’m going to give this to Max.”
“I told you, Gabriel. People are just weird about things like that. But yes, I’m going to text Hilarie and check on Maisie.”
While part of me wanted that, I knew if we gave in, we’d never go to anything that resembled a kind of life. “You’re not leaving my sight. And I’m still taking you out on this fucking date. Let’s just be normal for once? Because nothing feels normal.” He let out a breath. “We’ll go see our girl and check in, then I’m taking you out.”
She studied my face, worry in her gaze. “Okay. We can do that.” She kissed my jaw, and someone else took a photo. I ignored them like I always did, and handed the note over to Max.
“What the fuck?” the other man snapped.
Max met my gaze, and I saw the flash of worry before it slid into pure determination. “I don’t know who it was, but we need to make sure the crew knows not to give us this shit, okay?”
“You’ve got it. I’ll work on it. You two be safe. I don’t like this.”
“I know we get a lot of mail like this, but I don’t like the fact that they were here.”
“We’ll handle it. Take security out tonight for your date.”
I nodded. “Only because Briar’s with me.”
He gave me a long-suffering look. “You need it for yourself, too. You’re getting out there again. And people want a piece of you. They always did.”
I shook my head, and then tugged on Briar’s hand as we made our way out. Jeff, one of Trace and Ridge’s men, smiled at me, and we made our way to the car.
“Where will it be?” he asked and tipped his invisible hat.
“Chauffeur, are we?” Briar asked with a laugh.
“What? I really do need one of those hats.”
“First, to the hotel to see Maisie. Then let’s head to Taste,” I said, speaking of an off-the-beaten-path restaurant that I liked. Celebrities didn’t really hang out there for photos, and there were enough hidden places that we would be able to actually enjoy ourselves.
Phone in hand, Briar looked up at me. “Oh, I love that place.”
“I’ll put it in the GPS and have Connor call ahead.”
Connor was the other member of the team who was back at the hotel since we rotated them out. As Hilarie was in her hotel room with Maisie, it was a safer bet. We were still figuring out this traveling as a family thing.
My thoughts skidded to a halt at that.
Family. Were we family?
That was an odd thought.
Most of the crowd dispersed as we got to the hotel and checked in on a sleeping Maisie. Briar pumped so our girl would be set when she woke up and we left her with Hilarie and more security. Part of me wanted to stay there and hide, but I knew we needed to get out and at least try .
Once we got to Taste, I tried my best not to think about any thoughts that would lead down a path that would be a little too much. We ordered an array of appetizers, as well as enough cheese to supply the entire band and crew.
“I’m starving,” I said as I filled up my plate.
“I noticed,” she said with a laugh. “I don’t think I’ve really seen you eat that much.”
“Not recently. I haven’t really been hungry.” I shrugged. I had lost about twenty pounds when I’d been hiding. I needed to get back to lifting and taking care of my body so I could handle a grueling tour. While Briar had thought I’d filled out over the months, it hadn’t been that true. I’d gained breadth in my shoulders thanks to working with Brooks and East, but I’d lost weight everywhere else.
“Well, I’m sure the cheese will help,” she added dryly.
“What? I like cheese.”
“So do I.” She paused. “Although not as much as Mal. We used to go to this cheese place in London that had a conveyor belt.”
I had frozen ever so slightly when she had said his name and told myself not to be an idiot. Mal was her brother. Of course she was going to mention him. But then again, the fact that they were brother and sister was how we got into this situation in the first place.
I cleared my throat. “He took me there a couple of times when we were over in London. I tried to get the fish and chips. He just wanted cheese.”
“So, are you a vinegar or tartar sauce person?” she asked, and nothing felt awkward. Yes, speaking of her brother did, but this moment right here? It was what we had always done. Why hadn’t I seen that?
“I like both,” I finally answered.
Her head tilted as she studied me. “That’s what I thought. Because I’ve seen you eat both, and now I was worried that I had forgotten.”
“What about you?”
“I like tartar sauce. Which probably makes me lose some points.”
My lips quirked into a smile at the look on her face. “All I know is that now I want fish and chips.”
She met my gaze, her eyes bright. “Same. Maybe next time then.”
I looked down at her, and we each swallowed hard. “Yeah, maybe next time.”
By the time we finished our date, people had started to crowd the sidewalk out in the front. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think they’d find us here.”
“You just had an amazing show and kissed me in public. They were always going to find us. Let’s get back to Maisie. I miss her.” She put her hands over her breasts.
I raised a brow, and she laughed. “Yeah, we should probably take care of those.”
“Why does that sound dirty?” she asked, though I still saw tension in her gaze.
I looked over her head and toward our security. “Hey Jeff? You ready to go?”
“I’m getting you out the back. Don’t worry.”
“I’m always going to worry,” I grumbled.
Even though it was dark out, I slid my sunglasses on and took Briar’s hand as we made our way out the back. Paparazzi were still there, cameras flashing, but I did my best to ignore them, pulling her into the back seat. She had her head down, her sunglasses on as well, and we didn’t frown or look as if we didn’t want to be there. I just needed to figure out how to make this work.
We settled into the back seat as Jeff drove on, and I squeezed Briar’s hand.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’m just not going to be used to that. Ever. And I don’t want Maisie to be part of it.”
“Same. They don’t get photos of our kid.” I softly bumped into her shoulder. “And I’ve never been with a woman for long enough for them to want to take so many photos. Yeah, hanging out every once in a while, especially if the label wanted it, but I don’t know, it’s different.”
We looked at each other then, and I had so much to say and yet I had no idea how to begin.
“No matter what happens, we’re always going to be in each other’s lives. And not just because of Maisie.”
“I know. I know.”
We were silent on the way back, and thankfully avoided the press as we made our way into the hotel room. Hilarie smiled brightly at us, as she handed over Maisie. “She was amazing. And you both checked in with me about a hundred times on text.”
I met Briar’s gaze, and we each gave each other a guilty look.
“Okay, so we are a little overprotective.”
“You have a right to be. This little munchkin’s adorable.” She leaned forward and tapped Maisie’s hands.
“I’ll see you later, Baby Girl.”
“Have a good night.”
She waved on her way out, leaving Briar and me alone with our daughter.
“Okay. I should feed her, and then I don’t know. I just feel awkward.”
I swallowed hard and handed Maisie over. “Same. I’m not good at this.”
“I have a feeling you used to be,” she teased, and I shook my head. I turned on the TV so there wasn’t an uncomfortable silence between us, and knew it was a mistake as soon as I had.
“The band Wilder played a sold-out show tonight, with ticket prices soaring on second sales. It seems that they did a tremendous job with their new drummer, Kiera, filling the place of the late Mal Ashford. The band spoke about those they lost, and the recent anniversary of the bus crash that took so many lives.”
“Yes,” another reporter began. “They seemed to finally find their footing, though it was only the first main show. They do have a tour coming up, and an album to release. Rumor has it that they’re going to try to find another way to get around other than tour buses. With what happened, I don’t blame them.”
I hadn’t realized my hands had fisted at my sides, until I looked down at them, realizing that they were turning white. I forced myself to relax as the anchors continued.
“Another hot item tonight was the fact that it seems the lead singer Gabriel Wilder has cemented his relationship with the late Mal Ashford’s sister, Briar. Briar Ashford is a multi-Grammy-winning songwriter who largely keeps in the shadows. However, it was reported that she gave birth to Gabriel Wilder’s lovechild while the band was in reclusion. No word yet on if the relationship has achieved any more status other than there are engagement rumors swirling.”
“Well, I wonder what Mal would have to say about his favorite sister and the notorious playboy Gabriel Wilder?”
I flipped off the TV as they continued and turned to see Briar staring at me wide-eyed.
“They sure do just put everything out plainly, don’t they?” she asked, her voice soft.
“Don’t listen to them. They’re fucking idiots.”
“Most of what they said was true, though.”
I scowled. “It doesn’t matter. They don’t know us.”
“Sometimes I don’t know us. And I hate the fact that the last thing that I said to my brother was in anger. I would like to think that he’d be okay with this. Whatever this is. But it’s always going to be between us. And I hate that.”
“I don’t want to talk about him.”
“Gabriel. We have to. If we don’t, he’ll always be the ghost between us.”
“I don’t want to talk about him,” I snapped, my voice rising. I let out a breath, trying to calm myself because Briar didn’t deserve my anger. I wasn’t angry at her. Maybe not even myself.
Maisie let out a wail, the sound echoing off the hotel walls.
“Shit. I’m sorry.”
She shook her head as she rocked our child in her arms. “No. Let’s have this out. Because we need to talk about my brother. You don’t ever , Gabriel. You didn’t even finish your thoughts while on stage about him. And I’m worried. Because I love Mal. But I can’t talk to you if I don’t know what you’re thinking.”
“I can’t.” I paced, running my hands over my face. “Because if I talk about him, then he’s gone. And I know that doesn’t make any sense.” I tilted my head as she opened her mouth to say something. “I’m trying here, Briar.”
Briar looked down at Maisie in her arms, who was still sniffling, and shook her head. “I need you to try harder. Because this right here? This feeling as if we’re playing house and not real? It scares me. And I don’t want to break, Gabriel.”
My heart raced and my hands fisted at my sides. “I don’t want to break either. But I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“We’re running out of time to figure that out.”
“I know.”
And I stepped forward and held her in my arms—Maisie between us.
It was true, there were only going to be so many moments like this, where we could pretend the real world wasn’t out there. But for now I held Briar, and looked down at our daughter, and knew that I was in love.
And for the man with all the words for his songs, I surely had none of them now.