44. Asher
44
ASHER
W hy does she have to be so fucking beautiful? And smart? And fucking sexy?
I watch her trying to negotiate with Baz to eat his peas at my mom’s dinner table, and all I can think about is last night in her room.
I hate that that’s exactly where I want to be.
Always.
But I can’t be there.
I can’t commit to her, and she wants a commitment. She thought she was in love with me.
I’ve ignored four calls from Sawyer today, and I know he wants to hash this shit out, but I'm not having it.
Fuck that asshole.
He told me how serious it was hooking up with a single mother, and now he goes behind my back at tries to do the same thing with the exact same single mother.
Fuck him.
“Colt wouldn’t eat them either.”
Jesus, thanks Mom. We’re going back to this. I can’t think about my brother right now. I’m already in a shitty fucking mood.
I don’t want to be here .
Vivienne smiles as she gives up and turns the conversation to something else. “Are you guys excited to move?”
My mom smiles brightly, but I see the sadness in her eyes. “I am.” She looks around the dining room. “But I'm going to miss it here.”
“We’ll miss you too.” Viv tucks her hair behind her ear. She’s wearing a shirt with a high collar and her hair down, but I catch a quick glimpse of the blotchy purple mark I left on her neck, my dick twitching in my jeans at the thought.
“You can come visit anytime.” My mother’s voice sounds slightly nervous. “And we still have the lake house here.”
Lola and I both tense, and it’s my sister that switches the subject. “You’re going to love living on the beach, Mom.”
Our mother is beaming now. “I can’t wait. It’s always been a dream of mine.”
Vivienne smiles, and the rest of dinner is bullshit small talk before Viv takes Baz home in her car, and I hug my mom and shake Tony’s hand before Lola walks me out to mine.
“Take it easy on her tonight, okay?”
I know she’s talking about Viv, and I can’t resist. “She doesn’t like it easy.”
Lola fake gags. “I’m not talking about sex, asshole. Don’t have sex with her at all, but also don’t be an asshole.”
We reach my driver’s door, but I don’t move to open it. “She isn’t married.”
“No. She’s not, but she is in love with you.”
My blood runs cold as I stare at my sister, my mom’s driveway is lit up and the sun hasn’t gone down completely so I can see her clearly and there are no fucks given on her face. “She told you that.”
Lola stands firm, her face showing no emotion. “She loves you, and I really, really think you love her too, but you’re a coward and immature and that’s fine. But do not punish her.”
“Damn, Lols. Don’t hold back.”
“I love you.” She places a hand on my shoulder, and I know she does. “But you have so much to learn. And you are an immature little shit.”
“I can feel the love. ”
Her head tilts to the side, and she sighs heavily. “You aren’t ready to love her yet, but you don’t own her.”
“We would be a disaster, Lola. You know we would be.” My throat pulls tight as I look up at the sky, unable to look at her. “We would be mom and dad.”
“I know.” Her voice is sad as I lower my eyes, and I believe she thinks it’s true too. “I know, Asher.”
She doesn’t want us together either. “You think Sawyer will be any better for her?”
“I think she needs to figure that out and not be confused by you.”
“If she really cares for him, I wouldn’t have gotten inside of her so easily last night.”
Lola’s nose scrunches up, and she shoves my chest. “Do you have to be so graphic? I mean, Jesus. I grew up with three brothers, I should be used to it, but even Linc isn’t that gross.”
I chuckle slightly. “I’m not Linc.”
She nods decisively. “No. You’re not. But you could take a cue from him.” She squeezes my shoulder with her small hand. “Let her find out who she is.”
“He won’t be good for her.”
“Let her decide.”
I hate that she’s right. She pulls me into a hug and kisses my cheek, not saying anymore as I pull out of the drive and head back home.
To the house I live in with Vivienne and Baz.
I don’t want to make it easy on her. I don’t want her to fall into his trap and make a huge mistake, but I really don’t want to commit to her and then turn into my father.
That would be truly tragic.
When I get home, I see Sawyer’s car in the driveway, and my eyes immediately darken with the same rage I felt last night.
He’s here?
I park my car and fly up to the walk, but Sawyer isn’t inside. Instead he’s sitting out on the top step of the porch.
He’s waiting for me.
“No,” I growl as I stay on the sidewalk leading up to the porch.
“We’ve been friends for a long time. We need to talk. ”
“Fuck you and your friendship.” I don’t move and he stands up, walking down to the bottom stair.
“You don’t mean that.”
“How the fuck can you do that? You went out on a date with her. You kissed her.”
He looks slightly surprised, and I'm glad, feeling a small victory. “She told you I kissed her?”
“She did.”
“It was just a kiss.”
“Yeah, what’s that about? Couldn’t close?” I take a step closer to him. “That’s not like you. Losing your touch.”
“I care about her, Asher.”
I scoff, running my hand through my hair and laugh at him. “Bull. Shit. You want a piece. That’s all you’ve ever wanted. Since you found out I fucked her, you wanted a taste, and that’s all this is. If you get it, you’ll be bored.”
“Like you?”
“Fuck you.” We’re inches apart now, glaring at each other like rabid dogs waiting to attack.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
“Bullshit. You planned this. It’s your game. You want the fucking thrill, and you’re going to use her to get it.”
I know him well. Viv thinks she’s a thrill chaser,... she has no fucking clue. Sawyer is an adrenaline junkie. He loves to push the limits and fuck shit up. It’s what he does.
And he’ll do it with her heart.
“I won’t hurt her.”
“Then stay away from her.”
“A bit hypocritical, isn’t it, Ash?” He drags his hand over his chin, and my fist clenches at my side. “You didn’t.”
“I’m not you.”
“You’re right.” He chest puffs out, and his muscles flex. And I'm pissed that he’s not backing down but not surprised. “I’m not a fucking coward. I know what I'm getting into, and I'm not afraid. You’ve been scared of fucking everything since Colt died.”
“Don’t.” It’s a vicious growl through clenched teeth, but he doesn’t even flinch .
“It’s true, and we both fucking know it. Maybe even before. So afraid of being like Linc. Wanting to be like him but feeling like you’ll turn into your father.”
I grip the collar of his polo shirt. “Shut the fuck up before I rearrange your pretty boy face.”
“Do it. Give me a fucking reason, and I'll return the fucking favor.”
He wants me to hit him. I recognize the desire to feel the pain, and I shake my head, releasing his collar. “She’ll never really fall for your shit.”
“She sure fell into that kiss last night.”
My jaw ticks, thinking about his lips on hers. My voice is low and angry. “Yeah?” I edge closer. “You think it had any impact on her? Because it wasn’t you in her bed last night.”
“You motherfucker.” He’s spitting mad, and I feel the rush of satisfaction at him knowing that I fucked her last night and not him.
“She’ll always compare you to me.”
“Not when I fuck you out of her.”
There’s that nauseous feeling again. “Don’t touch her. You’ll only hurt her.”
“You already did. I don’t want to hurt her. I want to fucking heal her.” I hate his fucking words, and I don’t believe him for a second.
“You are not a healer, Sawyer. You’re a destroyer. Like. Me.”
I see it in his eyes. The uncertainty. Because he knows the truth as much as I do.
He’ll only bring her pain.