Splintered Hearts

Thirty Seven

Jamie

Everything is swimming and swirling. I can’t focus on anything except breathing. My mind is a cyclone of thoughts.

You’re a worthless piece of shit.

All you’ll do is hurt him. You hurt everyone.

You deserve to rot like she is.

Everything Ari said just echoed my own thoughts. She’s fucking right. How can I keep someone happy, especially someone like Noah? There’s no way. Noah may hurt now but he’ll see eventually. Maybe one day he’ll even thank me.

I’m nothing—less than nothing.

I’m a shitty boyfriend, friend, brother, and artist. I’m no one and Noah is the brightest fucking star to exist. All I’ll do is smother that light. “I said what I need to.” Focusing on my shoes and not the red-tinged green eyes I love more than anything, I just need him to leave. I’m barely holding it together.

“You’re lying. I know you are. Talk to me.”

Pain lances my chest. Of course he doesn’t believe me. Noah knows me better than anyone. “Just leave, okay. We can figure out the living arrangements later, but right now I think space is good.”

“What happened? Where did you go today?”

“None of your business.”

“I don’t believe you.” His face breaks a little more. “Did you see someone—”

Anger punches me. “Enough!” Fuck, I have to get him out of here. This is for his own good. Maybe he’s hurt now but in the long run he’ll see.

I look up and nearly lose my shit right here. I have to do this. I stand, steeling my spine. “I don’t want to be in a relationship. I told you this but you pushed. I’m tired of you pushing. I tried but I can’t do this. It’s just not for me.”

“Bullshit. Try again.”

Swallowing, I hate myself already. What’s a little more self-loathing? “It’s not bullshit.”

“Lie.”

“It’s not a lie.”

“Yes it is.”

Anger simmers—at myself, at Noah for seeing through my bullshit. Of course he does; my little fox is clever.

“You have five fucking seconds to tell me the truth.”

“I didn’t want to do this. You push, though. Push and push until you get your fucking way. Congratulations. You got it.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with you? I never wanted this, but you have to have your way. All the fucking time.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“I am. I don’t want to do this anymore. This was a mistake. All of it was a mistake.”

“I know you don’t mean that. You told me you loved me. You shared something with me you’ve never done before. How can you leave me after that?”

It clicks in my brain, and I hate myself.

I know I’ll always hate myself for this, and maybe, hopefully, Noah will hate me too. “How does it feel?”

Noah straightens, his green eyes growing cold. “Wh-what?”

“How does it feel? To give yourself over only to be kicked aside right after?”

I’m going to fucking puke. I need Noah to get out of here now, before I completely lose it. “Fuck you, Jamie.” Lip trembling, I bite the inside of my cheek, unwilling to give in and tell him the truth. I can’t go after him. This is for his own good. This is for the best.

“This was going to end sooner or later, Noah. This shouldn’t be surprising.”

Swallowing hard, Noah shakes his head. “I’ve had a lot of shitty people do a lot of shitty things to me, but this... this is sick. You’re sick.”

“This was never going to work out.” It wasn’t. I’m a piece of shit who only hurts the people around me. My mother didn’t want me. Kids in school hated me. I destroyed the only good things in my life and I’ll be fucking damned if I destroy another person. Noah needs someone better. He deserves it. It’s stupid I thought that could be me.

“I should have listened to Mark.”

Good.

Finally, hatred so hot fills Noah’s beautiful green eyes and I bathe in it. One day he may even thank me for setting him free. So I swallow the tears that clog my throat and do what I do best. I go numb, devoid of anything.

“Yeah. You should have.”