Thirty Eight
Jamie
I’m dying.
Unlike the first time I almost died I don’t want to feel a thing. It was a sick thing I did the first time around after the accident. I refused meds, treatment, anything that would make me feel better. I wanted to be in agony every second of every day.
My body eventually sort of healed. My mind did not.
Now, every breath I take is a struggle. I want something to numb this feeling inside me but Brianna had come over yesterday telling me to fuck myself in many different creative ways. It’s safe to say she will not be hooking me up. I have no one to blame but myself. It’s better this way. I know it.
Grabbing my phone I click it for the hundredth time today just to feel that pain all over. I know I won’t have any messages but I just want to see my lock screen. I have a gallery of pictures of him but I don’t dare open that gate right now. The lock screen is torture enough.
Hunter had come over later that day, not saying a word to me but slamming Noah’s door shut, only coming out to go to work. I’ve fucked everything up but I need to talk to Mark, for Hunter.
In reality, I know this is best. Ari brought me back down to earth. Dragged me back to reality—something my so-called friends have let me lose my grip on. I’m worthless and Noah is so much better off. What can a foster kid who knows more about abuse than love ever give him? Nothing.
I’m nothing.
Walking into my bathroom, I flinch. Fuck, I look like shit. Dark circles cradle my red-rimmed eyes. It’s only been days but it feels like eternity. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m barely eating, barely sleeping.
The only thing I’m working on is my nearly finished mural. Coming back to my room, I stop in front of it. A tear trickles down my cheek before I wipe it away. I still have a lot of work left to do. It’s coming along fast, though. My back screams with the evidence of how hard I’ve been working on it. I need to keep busy.
Luci’s in the middle. My only anchor for years. When we first met, I thought I was in love with her. I wasn’t, though. Love takes all forms and it doesn’t always have to be romantic. She was my soulmate in every other sense of the word.
Then she was ripped from me.
I haven’t finished her face yet. I still want to add makeup of some kind. I want to ask Bri what I should give her, but I’ll wait until she doesn’t want to kill me. On the right is Xavi, Bri, and Mom. To the left is Hunter, even Mark, and Noah. Beautiful. Kind. Someone so beyond my reach it isn’t funny.
A knock echoes down the hall, and I nearly trip over myself running to the door. My heart sinks. I don’t know why, it’s not like it would’ve been Noah. “Well, shit.” Xavier looks me up and down. “Can, uh, I come in?”
“Yeah.” Letting him in, I go to the couch, sinking into it.
“Just wanted to come by and figure out why Brianna’s so pissed at you. Why is it so dark in here? Who died? Well, this time.” I glare. “What! It’s just a joke, man. It’s my trauma, I’m allowed to joke.” I know that’s how Xavi copes with everything. Him and Luci were really young when they were taken from their father.
Their birth mother had died giving birth to Xavi and they were left in the hands of a hateful man who blamed his infant son for the death of his wife. While Luci was only three when her mother died and five when Lia adopted her, she remembered some things in the hazy way kids did.
One night, while both kids were with a babysitter, his father had come home. Luci used to say she didn’t know what changed. He’d always hurt them, but nothing to the point of what happened that night. He came home, killed the babysitter, then went to Xavi’s room and tried to smother him to death in his toddler bed.
Luci was hiding in a closet, scared for her life. She had the babysitter’s phone and dialed 911, praying for someone to save them both. At just five fucking years old. Xavi had passed out and their father thought he was dead. She thought he was dead. Sirens and lights lit up the house and he was arrested.
It was pure luck that Lia had found them—adopted them. They were hers. At the time she’d been working at the station when their father was brought in. When she heard what had happened she asked what was happening with the kids.
Foster care.
It had been years since her husband passed away, and more and more the thought of adopting or fostering children had been on her mind. It wasn’t easy, there were a lot of hoops to jump through, but that was it.
She was theirs.
“No offense, but you smell like shit.”
“Fuck off.”
“Where’s Noah?” I’m feeling dizzy. It’s way too hot in here. Did Bri not tell him? “Whoa, hey.” Xavi squeezes my shoulder, immediately taking a step back. “That is strong.” I glare but what’s the use. I don’t think I’ve showered since coming home and breaking Noah’s heart. “I need you to go shower. I’ll make you something to eat, then we can talk, alright?”
I know he’s not going to leave until I tell him what’s going on, so I give in, getting up and going to the bathroom.
I’m freshly showered but the house is cold. I notice my screen door open. It’s a cold day and I’ll be pissed if I have to turn the heat on. “I had to get some air in here. I put your wax melt on too. Cleaned up a bit. Made food. If the state of your house isn’t a cry for help I don’t know what is.” I sit at the table as he slides me a plate of food. “What’s going on?”
“I broke up with Noah.” Xavier stares. Pouts his bottom lip. Squints. Cocks his head. Then... laughs. “What’s so fucking funny?”
“You... broke up, with him? What? Beggars can’t be choosers, Jamie. Plus, Noah’s fucking hot. Sweet too. Funny as hell, but nerdy in a really cute way. It somehow makes him hotter.”
“Would you like a shot? He’s single now.”
Xavi flips me off. “I’m just saying, you’re going to have to give me more because I’m not following.”
This is it.
Let someone in.
It crosses my mind to lie. I just don’t have the energy. “We had an amazing time at the lake house. I told him I loved him. I got a tattoo. A new one. I saw Ari on the way home from Ian’s shop. Noah had—”
“Wait. You got a new tattoo?”
“And saw Ari,” I hedge.
“Fuck that stuck-up bitch.” Xavier’s eyes widen. “I mean. Stuck up, snot rag? It just doesn’t have the same spice to it. I’m sorry, sis,” Xavier says to the ceiling. “Forgive me. You didn’t like her either. Or Ailee for that matter. God, I hope they aren’t both in heaven together now. Yo, Luci’d be so pissed, could you imagine?!”
“Can you focus?!”
“What?”
Curiosity gets the best of me. “She didn’t like Ailee?”
Xavi gives me a tight-lipped smile. “Bro, we all hated her. She was some stuck-up rich chick from that fancy tourist town. You liked her though, so we respected that. Let you have your fun.”
“I didn’t know that.” Luci hadn’t hung around us much but I’d thought she was giving me space. “Ailee was jealous of Luci.”
“We all knew that. You didn’t help, though. From the outside looking in we knew how it looked. You two were just different.” We were rarely apart.
“Anyway. Ari saw me and—”
“I don’t give a shit about her. You got a new tattoo, bro!”
“Yes.”
“Wow.” He shakes his head. “That’s amazing. You said never.” No, I said I’d never let anyone but Maddox ink me, but having Ian do it, a guy who loved him more than anything, felt right. Everything about it felt right. “Sorry. Continue.”
“I saw Ari when I walked back to the lake house. She said some fucked-up shit to me. My head got all messy. I told Noah I couldn’t do this anymore. We fought. Bad. I said something really fucked up that I can’t take back and now he hates me.”
“You self-destructive dick.” I can’t even correct him. “I don’t pretend to understand half the shit you do. I know you’ve been through a lot, but come on. Self-sabotage is bullshit. I’m tired, bro.”
“I never told him about the accident,” I admit and Xavi sighs, sending a prayer to the ceiling. “I was going to tell him on the trip.”
“Why?” His voice loses all playfulness. “Why the hell does it matter?”
“It was my fault.”
“No. It wasn’t.” I’m not used to the hard edge in his voice. “You know what? Maybe it was , Jamie. Maybe it was Luci’s for getting so shit-faced. Or Madd’s because he was behind the wheel. Or I don’t know, Jamie, maybe it was the drunk fucking asshole who T-boned your car going ninety through a red light. I don’t know, Jamie. I don’t. I do know it doesn’t fucking matter. What happened, happened. There’s nothing any of us can do about it.”
“It’s not that simple.”
Xavier’s head falls back in a dramatic groan. “Alright, pouty pants. Let’s go.”
“What?”
“We have somewhere we need to go. Now.”
“I don’t want—”
“I don’t care.” He smiles, sickly sweet. “If you can make a two-hour drive upstate with your boyfriend, you can take a five-minute ride with me. Let’s go.”
“Where are we going?”
“Somewhere you should have gone years ago.”
Pulling up to the iron gates, I feel sick. “What are we doing?”
“I think you know.” Squeezing my knee, he gives me a sympathetic smile. My heart is still erratic from the ride over here. Xavi’s a great driver, though. It’s strange to think about that. I wonder who taught him?
It hits me now, this grief. Not for Luci, for once. For Xavi. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“For . . . what?”
“Not being here. I left you alone to grieve her without me. You lost one sibling while the other shut you out. I’m so sorry.” I’ve missed too much.
It's quiet for a moment. “The only person alone here was you, Jamie. I had Mom and Bri, Hunter, and eventually even Mark. I wasn’t alone. You were.”
It’s how I thought I liked it. “I’m tired of living like this.” In the moment I thought what I was doing was the best thing for Noah, but now I just need him back. But I made sure that will never happen. Noah hates me. I can never take back that ugly thing I said to him.
All his life, people have used him, and I’ve become one more person added to that list in his eyes. Xavier squeezes my shoulder, making me jump. “Come on. Let’s go see her.”
“It’s pretty. Is that weird?”
“Mom spared no expense.” Sitting down, I admire the black tomb with a portrait of her engraved on it. Xavier sits beside me, not crowding me but close enough if I need him.
“I loved her so much.” From the first moment I saw her walking into the library. Dark hair braided down her back in French pigtails. She sat across from me, took out a sketch book, and started to draw.
I’d been so confused. No one sat next to me. Ever. I was the weird kid who maybe smelled a little, never having clean laundry or running water all the time. Luci didn’t give a shit, though, she just sat in front of me and smiled.
And I fell in love.
At least, I thought I did.
“She’s still here with us.” Xavi stands. “I’m going to leave you here for a bit. Come back whenever you’re ready. I got nothing to do today.” This is for my benefit but I can see the sheen in Xavi’s amber eyes.
He needs space.
Standing, I shock us both by grabbing him for a hug. It’s stiff at first, until Xavi finally softens, putting his arms around me and squeezing tight. “I’m going to be a better brother, I promise.”
I feel him swallow before pulling back and giving me a stiff nod. “You got a second chance and she didn’t. It’s time you stopped wasting it.” Xavier gives me a one last hug before pulling back. Both our eyes are brimming. Sitting back down, I look at the headstone.
It’s decorated with fresh flowers. I feel awkward, which is weird since I’m alone.
Maybe not alone.
“I’m sorry I haven’t come by. It’s taken me a while.” I laugh bitterly. “A really long while. I’m trying to change, though. I am. I’m sorry.” Looking over the graveyard I feel peace wash over me. “I met someone Cici. He’s... everything you would have wanted for me. I messed things up, but... I think I can fix it. I want to fix it. I need to fix it. I love him.” Now, with the pain of Ariana’s lies fading, I can’t believe I sunk into myself like that. The things I said to Noah can’t be taken back, but I have to try and make it right.
Looking around, no one else seems to be close by, but the overcast sky brings a slight chill. “I’m so sorry. That feels weak but I am.” My fingers run through the grass as I try to distract myself. “I don’t want to disappoint you. I’m going to get better, I promise.” A gentle breeze strokes my face. Reaching into my pocket I grab the portrait I’d done of her, the one I did the day before she was taken from me. The one Noah saw the first night we met. Rolling up the picture, I tuck it into one of the flower vases. “I love you.” Breathing heavily through my nose, I try to stop the burning tears. I’ve had enough of them. My chest feels tight but somehow lighter. Free. I feel free.
Walking back, I slide into Xavi’s car, and I don’t comment on his glassy eyes. “I’m ready.”
“Um, no. Not yet.”
“What?”
“I want to see it.”
“What?”
“The tattoo.”
“No.”
“Yes. Show me. I’m not leaving until you show me, and we both know your ass won’t drive.”
“You’re a brat!” Whatever. I lift my shirt. Xavi’s eyes go to my scars first—it’s the first time he’s seen them—then they land on the tattoo.
“Holy. Shit.”
“Yeah . . .”
“Wow.” Shaking his head, he turns on the ignition. “Not even going to ask how that came about. You do love him. Jesus. Madd would be so pissed.”
“Ian did it.” I fix my shirt. “Told me you got some ink too you fucking punk. Why didn’t you tell me?”
It’s quiet for a moment. “I didn’t want you to be mad.”
Why am I such a dick? “I wouldn’t have been upset.”
“I don’t know if you’re aware, but you haven’t exactly been the voice of reason these last few years.” My heart breaks a little more. I’m done. I have to get better, if not for me then for the people I love around me. Holding on to all this anger is only hurting the people I love most.
“I want to see it. Or them? How many do you have?”
“I have three.” Xavi smiles.
“Let me see.” I turn to face him. Xavi grabs the back of his shirt, peeling it off. He twists in his seat I so I can see his back. It has his birth mother’s name, Lia’s, and Luci’s in a heart. On his chest is a snarling wolf, and I can truly see in this one just how far Ian has come as an artist. The black and white tattoo looks insanely lifelike. Finally, my eyes land on the tattoo on his ribs and I look at him, deadpan. “Really?”
“What! Charizard is awesome!” I can’t believe the Pokémon tattoo flying over the length of his ribs. “Hurt like a bitch. So worth it.” It does look sick, all done in color with fire breathing out of it’s snout.
“Insane.”
“You have a rainbow cock on your chest. Don’t you dare judge me!” Xavi puts his shirt back on. “Imagine how the tattoo would have looked if Maddox had done it. He’d definitely have tried to butch it up a bit. Maybe give the little penis biceps and a katana.” I wouldn’t have let him, though, because it’s perfect as it is.
The golden cartoon penis with a rainbow head is perfect.
Rainbow-glitter cock.
I can’t stop laughing and neither can he.
“Yep. You have gone manic. How am I going to tell Mom I broke you?” Putting the car in drive, he slowly steers us out of the cemetery. “Take you home?”
A thought comes to mind, and words tumble out of my mouth before I can think twice. “Take me to Mark’s.”
“What?”
“I need to talk to Noah.” I have to tell him. He might hate me, that’s fine. I need to tell him, though. I can’t go another minute with him believing he means nothing to me. I need to make this right. As right as I can anyway.
I need my little fox to come home.