The Pianist’s Wife

Chapter Seventeen

Late that night, Amira rose from her bed to get a glass of water, tiptoeing from her room and walking through to the kitchen.

She was surprised to find Fred sitting at the kitchen table when she walked into the kitchen, and even more surprised to see his shoulders shaking. Amira went straight to him, hugging him without thinking, her chin on the top of his head.

‘You couldn’t sleep either?’ she asked, as the trembling slowed.

His shoulders stilled as she held him. ‘Night time is always the worst.’

‘Even when Maxi was here, lying beside me, all I could think about was what would happen when he leaves,’ she said, placing a hand on Fred’s thick hair. ‘Sometimes it seems impossible to imagine that we might all survive, that it’s even something we can wish for.’

‘I keep wondering where he is. Whether he’s even alive,’ Fred murmured. ‘It’s the not knowing that’s the worst.’ He glanced up at her. ‘You know, it was worse without you here. Being in the house alone.’

‘Well I’m here now, and I won’t be leaving you again,’ she said.

He gave a solemn nod.

‘Coffee?’ she asked, deciding that she would rather nurse a cup of something hot and stay up with Fred than return to bed. ‘I think we could both use one.’

‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘But you don’t need to sit up with me.’

‘I want to. It’s not like I’d be able to sleep anyway.’

Fred’s smile was sad. ‘Well, if you’re certain, then I can’t say I wouldn’t like the company.’

She set the water to boil, and soon she was carrying two steaming cups to the table and setting one down in front of Fred.

His eyes were still teary, and she reached out to cover his hand with hers, sensing how much pain he was in.

‘Knowing that you and Maxi were together, it’s made me wonder if I’ll ever see Christoph again. I can’t stop wondering what’s happened to him, whether I’ll ever hear from him again.’

Amira’s face fell. ‘I’m sorry. I should have realised how difficult his being—’

‘No,’ Fred said, turning his hand over so that he could squeeze her fingers. ‘I have loved seeing your happiness, Amira. Whatever happens, you and I have both loved very deeply, and that is something that not many people can say. We have loved, and that is what matters. I don’t want you shielding me from your happiness.’

‘Thank you,’ Amira said, and she meant it. Seeing this kind, warmer side of Fred showed her why Gisele had been so determined to help him – to help both of them.

As if sensing their sadness, Otto appeared and jumped up on one of the other chairs, before deciding to hop straight up on to the table, licking first Amira’s face, and then Fred’s.

‘Well, it’s safe to say that we would be terrible parents,’ Fred said, scooping Otto up and setting him on his knee instead. ‘Thank goodness we’ve decided to keep things platonic.’

‘Atrocious parents,’ she agreed. ‘I mean, we can’t even teach manners to a dog!’

In truth, she felt they would have made wonderful parents, but it felt nice to laugh. As if sensing the change in mood, Otto seemed to think his job was complete and he went back to sleep.

‘You know, I think we should buy two houses side by side once this war is over with and we divorce,’ Amira said. ‘We could be neighbours for the rest of our lives and drink coffee on our veranda together every morning. You with Christoph, and me with Maxi. We could be great friends.’ Once she’d dreamed of doing that with Gisele and Hans, but for some reason it was Fred she could imagine now.

She smiled, seeing it in her mind, although the image wavered slightly when she realised that would mean explaining Fred’s sexuality to Maxi. She pushed the thought away though, determined to imagine a future where Maxi accepted not only who Fred was, but her too. She wanted to remember her mother without hiding her away for the rest of her life.

‘Perhaps we could move somewhere different after the war,’ Fred said. ‘To another city, perhaps.’

‘Where?’

‘New York,’ Fred said, as if he’d been thinking about it all night. ‘It’s where I’ve always dreamed of moving, so that I would be free to play whatever I wanted. To live somewhere we can go about our lives without worrying about who might see us.’

Amira grinned. ‘Perhaps I shall move to New York, too. I can finally become a teacher, and Maxi can be the journalist he’s always dreamed of being.’

‘Well it’s settled then,’ Fred said. ‘New York it is for both of us.’

They sighed, finishing the last of their coffees. It was a nice dream, and one Amira was most prepared to continue fantasising about.

‘I’m going to head back to bed,’ she said, standing and taking their now-empty coffee cups. ‘Will you be alright?’

Fred’s smile warmed her – it was as if he’d emerged from whatever darkness he’d been lost in, for a moment at least. ‘I’ll be perfectly fine now. I think I’ll head to bed myself.’

Amira watched him, unsure whether he was just saying that to be brave, or if he was telling the truth, but she saw the way Otto was standing beside him and knew that he’d at least have the little dog to take to bed with him for company.

‘Goodnight, Fred,’ she said.

‘Goodnight, Amira,’ he replied. ‘Sweet dreams.’

She couldn’t even bear to imagine how she’d feel in his shoes, what it would be like to know that Maxi was imprisoned, and she only wished there was something she could do to ease his pain.

‘Oh, and Amira?’

She turned, one hand on the door.

‘I’ll try to play something more cheerful in the morning.’