The Trauma Response (Give a Bookish Girl a Biker #2)

10. Chapter Ten

Chapter ten

T wo hours pass and I finally see my Whits’ true personality back on full display. She cracks jokes, laughs like she doesn’t care who is watching, and I’m pretty sure she has no idea her hand is settled on my lower thigh, just above my knee. She periodically squeezes and releases my leg, almost every time one of the guys says something ridiculous and she laughs so hard she snorts. And because her laughter is so infectious, the guys seem to be in a competition to see who can make her do it the most. Part of me wonders if the numbness in her hand prevents her from realizing what she’s doing. The other part wants it to be intentional, something she does because she wants the constant connection between us.

“So I said, yeah, I know. I’m the bodyguard, remember?” Thor says after regaling us of the woes of protecting a fellow war veteran at a function for disabled vets. “By the time that memorial was over, I think he was protecting me. He was literally 101 years old, and ornery as they come. But hey, I got a signed copy of his book so there’s that.”

“Why did he even need a bodyguard?” Whits asks, leaning closer to Thor as if he’s about to tell her a secret.

Thor shrugs. “His family was worried about him wandering around in D. C. and they hired me to go with him.”

I steal one of her fries but she doesn’t seem to notice or care. Meanwhile, Christian keeps glancing my way with shifty eyes. He’s curious about what’s happening between Whits and me, at least, that’s what I think he’s getting at. He won’t outright ask in front of everyone but I’m undoubtedly in for questioning later.

Chantelle sighs. “Well, it’s been fun, kiddos, but I have an early morning.”

“Same here,” Christian adds. “Lots of meetings and other fun stuff.”

Whits looks up at me and smiles. “Ready to head out, too?”

“Whenever you are, beautiful.” I can’t help that my cheeks warm when her smile widens. At least no one calls me out on her nickname in front of her. I’m not sure I can handle that much embarrassment in one night.

With a round of goodbyes, we head out and go our separate ways from the parking lot. It’s been a bit since we had a good ride, but everyone’s schedules are a little crazy. I hand Whits the helmet and swing my leg over my bike, but she doesn’t follow suit. She’s got the helmet resting on her hip, her other hand on the opposite hip, head tilted, and a knowing grin tugging at her lips. This is not good. I knew I wouldn’t get out of this night without an interrogation, I just didn’t think it would be from her.

I flip my visor up. “Okay, spill. What do you want to know?”

Whits shrugs. “Oh, you know, I only wanted a little follow up information about that comment you made. You know, the one about how you used to think about kissing me?”

Thank goodness for the darkness and the helmet, otherwise, I’m positive my face would give away my old crush. Okay, my still burning crush. There is no denying it at this point, only it’s hotter and more likely to burn me if I’m not careful.

I rest my elbows on the gas tank and clasp my hands. “I said what I said, and I didn’t stutter.”

“Ha! That’s not gonna cut it, and you know it. Out with it, Gray. Were you talking a big game in front of your friends, or is that what you really thought back then?”

Back then? Oh yeah, for sure. And now… definitely now. I sigh and remove my helmet, offering her the respect she deserves. “Yes, that was how I felt back then. I might have had a thing for my best friend’s big sister, but that does not diminish how much it means to me that you saved my life, Whits. You were always as good a friend to me as Jax, and our friendship meant a lot to me.”

Her features soften under the moonlight and her smile fades into something less giggly and more appreciative. “You’re welcome, Cai. And you were always a good friend to me, too. You’re a good friend now. Even though I know Jax sent you, you still came to help me. I appreciate you getting me out of the house for a while. Felt nice to laugh a little.”

“I mean, we can do it again if you want. We both live in Denver. I see no reason we can’t hang out again. Do you?” I widen my eyes, hoping she reads deeper into my question than what it seems at surface value.

Her smile widens again. “No reason at all. Ready to take me home?”

“I can. Or we can ride around a bit, take the long way back? See some sights?”

Whits pulls the helmet over her head and manages to climb onto the back of my bike without much help. Once she’s in position, she wraps her arms around me. I pull my helmet on and check the comms.

“What do you think? Home or on an adventure?”

“Let’s see where the night takes us.” She reaches forward and squeezes my arm, my signal to head out of the parking lot and out into town. I don’t have a specific destination in mind until I remember the date.

“Hey, we’re supposed to be able to see the aurora tonight. Want to take a little ride up to a place I like to watch it? Might be a while before I can get you home if we do.”

Silence settles over the comms for a while and her arms tighten around my waist. I think maybe I’ve pushed too hard, kept her out of her comfort zone for too long, but just when I’m ready to turn around and take her home instead, she relaxes. “Cai, I think…I think I’d let you take me anywhere. Let’s go see it.”

I don’t wait for her to change her mind. We take the side streets out of town in relative quiet save her occasional squeal when we have to take a sharper turn. Once we’re out of town and headed to the mountains, she sits up straighter and lessens her grip on me. I love that she’s relaxed, taking it all in, seemingly enjoying the ride as much as I am. Being on my bike is an escape from reality, a little slice of calm and fun after long, intense shifts at the firehouse. Riding with the guys is amazing, but I’m often on my own, taking these winding roads to various hiking trails. My schedule affords me more weekdays off than the others get, which means a lot of solo riding.

“It’s gorgeous out here at night. The sky is so clear,” she murmurs, her hands rubbing circles on my back. A guy sure could get used to that, but we’re about to take some curves.

“Better hold on, beautiful. We’re almost there, but there are a lot of curves ahead.”

She tightens down and leans into me, swaying back and forth alongside me with each turn. I’ve never had a woman riding backpack before, but having Whits with me feels as natural as breathing. Ahead is my usual stopping place. It’s a little cleared area near a trailhead that has a small parking lot. Pulling off, I glance toward the heavens. Sure enough, the faint green waves of light ripple in the sky, dancing around a blanket of stars.

I’m barely parked before Whits slides off and frees herself from the helmet. “Wow, this is amazing. I’ve never seen it so clearly before.” Her eyes sparkle and reflect the green glow, amplifying their beauty. Tallulah Whitmore is as much a work of art now as she was ten years ago when I last saw her, and it’s going to take every ounce of my strength to keep my hands to myself tonight. “Do you come here often?”

I shake my head and refocus, remembering to remove my helmet. “Yeah, quite a lot actually. I like it up here.” My breath puffs out in front of me, exhibiting the still cool temperatures at this altitude even on a summer night.

She wanders around a little, never trailing too far. There’s nothing I want more than to hold her in my arms, but a guy can’t merely make that sort of move without building up to it. I know that, but my body seems to think otherwise. Without thinking, I offer her my hand. Whits glances from my hand to my face and back before accepting it. I tug her close and turn her around to lean back against my chest. Together, we stare up at the sky, admiring God’s handiwork. She snuggles deep in my embrace and sighs, which I can only hope means she is absolutely content.

For me, time stands still. I’m that scared teenage boy all over again, only now I have the girl in my arms. It feels like the perfect moment to whisper in her ear, tell her that I’m positive those old feelings I once had for her are alive and well. But I can’t. She’s wounded, still healing emotionally and physically, and taking advantage of her vulnerability right now would be a jerk move. Instead, I lean in and squeeze her tighter.

“Better head back. It’ll get really cold up here, and it’s getting late. You probably still need rest.”

She chuckles. “I severed nerves, Cai. Rest won’t help that.” She’s not angry, but I still sense a tinge of bitterness. It wasn’t my intention to remind her that life isn’t quite as perfect as she’d like, but the truth is still the truth. The sooner she comes to terms with this change, the better off she’ll be. But I’m not a monster. I don’t expect her to suddenly be sunshine and rainbows after one enjoyable day spent out of her house.

“I know, but you promised we could hang out. You gotta be well rested if you want me to take you to do all the fun things.”

She turns in my arms and looks up at me with her hands pressed against my chest, testing my resolve to keep my lips to myself. “All the fun things? What might that include?” She pushes up slightly on her toes.

I freeze. I mean, I’m a firefighter. I’m not easily caught off guard or surprised, but the way she looks up at me confuses me. Is she seeking something? A kiss, perhaps? No, probably not, but then again, why is she still in my arms, gazing up at me expectantly?

I scarcely have time to consider it further before another vehicle enters the lot, blinding us. It stops nearby, so I pull Whits to my side and squint to see if I recognize the driver. I don’t, but I see the insignia on the side of the vehicle. It’s park police.

“Good evening,” the driver says. “About to close this lot for the night.”

“Yes, sir. Just on our way out,” I say and take Whits’ hand. With that, our magical evening has ended, but I’m still thinking about that moment and what it might have meant. The entire ride back down the mountain, around the city, and back to her house, I consider every movement, every glance, every word. And I can’t make sense of it. It feels like we picked up where we left off all those years ago, but even then, we weren’t so touchy. She certainly never looked at me the way she did tonight.

The ride back is long, but I still find it isn’t quite long enough for me to figure things out.

In her driveway, I stabilize the bike so she can get off.

“I’m good. You don’t have to get off,” she says when I reach for my key. “I’m just gonna go in and go to bed.”

“I should walk you to your door,” I argue, but she’s not having it. She shakes her head and pulls the helmet free. I flip up my visor to hear her now that the comms are disconnected.

“It’s okay, really. It’s three feet away.” She clasps Chantelle’s helmet to the hook on the back of my bike and steps back. She’s distant and short with me, almost as if she can’t escape fast enough. I can’t help thinking I’ve done something wrong, but for the life of me, I can’t pinpoint exactly what it might be.

“Uh, are you going to be okay tonight?”

“Sure. I’m going to read a little, then go to bed. When I get up in the morning, I’m gonna read some more and then meet Jackson and his wife for lunch. Why?” She tilts her head in confusion.

I’m tapping my hands on the gas tank in a pathetic attempt to stave my nerves. “It feels like I did something wrong,” I admit.

She doesn’t even say anything. Instead, she steps forward and slinks her arms around me, clasping them behind my neck. I pull her into a hug and smile when she lays her head on my chest.

“Of course not. I’m tired. It’s been a while since I’ve had so much excitement. You could never do anything wrong, Cai.” She brushes her hands over my shoulders and down my arms as she stands straight again. “I’ll see you soon?”

“Sure. Whenever you want.”

“Soon. I have lunch with Jackson tomorrow but I’m free the next day.”

“Ah, I have a forty-eight hour shift. What about after that?”

“I have a doctor’s appointment. Maybe that evening? I can let you know, but I promise I want us to hang out more. Maybe you can meet Jackson’s wife soon.”

“So what I’m hearing is that you and he won’t be ditching me for more fun college friends again?” I tease, feeling better about the situation.

She shoves me and I almost drop my bike but recover fast.

“Stop, you know that’s not what happened. But yes, it means I’m not going anywhere. I had fun tonight.”

“Me too. Go on now. Read your gooey romance books and call me when you’re free.”

“I left them at your house, remember?”

“I’m positive you have others in there. I saw them, but don’t worry, my master plan was to leave your new ones there so I’d have a reason to come bother you again.”

She arches an eyebrow and smiles, but does as she’s told. Once she’s inside, I start my bike and head home. It doesn’t take me long to get there, but I grin like an idiot the whole way. At home, I get a quick shower and check my phone before bed. As usual, the group chat was running like crazy while I was with Whits. I sift through them and realize they have all come up with their own theories about my love life. None of them are accurate, but I am appreciative that they made her feel so at ease.

Against my better judgement—because I know jumping in means I’ll be up for at least another hour fending off questions—I chime in.

Hey guys, thanks for cheering Whits up tonight. She really needed it.

Thor

No problem. One question though.

Yeah?

Thor

Where have you been hiding that one, and why are you not married with five kids by now?

Christian

My thoughts exactly. It freaks me out that I agree with Thor on any aspect of love and romance.

Thor

Funny, Boss. Seriously, what’s up with you two?

Chantelle

Aw, leave him alone guys. Tallulah is sweet and I like her. Don’t run her off.

Holt

Who’s running her off? We were perfectly well behaved.

Des

I was. You were…something else.

Embarrassing is what he was. Why did you tease me about kissing her? Dude, I had to have a whole conversation about how I used to like her before we even got out of the Brokedown parking lot. Talk about being put on the spot.

Thor

Hey, you’re the one who brought it up first. I ran with it. But I think she’s into you. She was blushing like crazy when we teased you about it.

Christian

I have to agree.

Chantelle

You should have seen her at the bookstore. They were so sweet together.

Holt

Happy for you, man. I hope it works out.

Chantelle

Me too, then it won’t be just Roxy and me against all of you goons.

Who are you calling a goon, Shortstack?

Chantelle

Gasp! You’re supposed to be the nice one!

Kidding, kidding. I’m gonna head to bed, but thanks again for tonight.

Thor

You got it, Hotshot. She’s a keeper. I’ll be rooting for you.

Christian

Night, man.

Des

Night

Holt

See you soon.

I plug my phone in and set it on silent. There is no way that chat is over yet, but I’m too exhausted to stay up and try to keep up with them. Instead, I lay my head down and think of Whits and every interaction we’ve had since we reconnected.

My mind drifts back to that moment in the park with her staring up at me. If I had leaned down even a fraction, I could have kissed her. I’m no expert, but everything about her posture insinuated that’s what she wanted, but this is Whits. She’s never given me any reason to think my feelings for her are returned, so going for a kiss could have been a nightmare. A totally devastating blow to my heart.

I groan and roll on my side. I’m not sure what will happen but I do know one thing: I can’t stomach the thought of losing her again.