These Wicked Desires (Fates #3)

4. Ellis

Ellis

“Why don’t you answer it and let them know you’re okay?” Drew asks after my phone buzzes for a solid five minutes.

“Because they’ll just yell at me. Then yell at me again when we get back.” I shrug. “I might as well wait so I just get yelled at once.”

It makes no sense, and I know that, but I’ve always been the type to put off punishment. Even if it makes it worse later on.

My phone buzzes again, this time a text, and I glance at it. Forty-three messages.

Kai: WHERE ARE YOU

Kai: ellis! are you okay?

Cade: please let us know if you’re okay.

Kai: i swear to the gods, if you don’t answer me i will lose my fucking my mind!!

Cade: we’re really worried, love. Sterling is scouring the mountain in his wolf form, and Kai is about to go berserk.

I grimace and my thumb hovers over the keyboard. Maybe I should just send a quick text and tell them I’m on my way home and I’m safe. But I chicken out and set my phone in my lap, screen face down.

The closer we get to the cabin, the more I feel like I’m going to vomit. This was quite possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I should have just waited for Cade and Kai to get home, so they could take me to talk to Cole. Why didn’t I do that? Oh yeah, because they would have never agreed to it.

“Fuck me,” Drew grumbles. “If I could, I’d make you walk the rest of the way. Kai is going to murder me.”

“I’ll put a good word in for you,” I say, but it doesn’t come out as confident as I hoped it would. It’s too hard to breathe, even as I take in one deep breath after another in an attempt to calm the roiling in my stomach.

When the cabin comes into view, I swallow thickly, my mouth suddenly dry. Cade and Kai are both on the porch, and I want to crawl under the seat and hide. Purple sparks flicker at Cade’s fingertips as he flexes his hands. Kai paces back and forth, his hair a mess from where he’s run his hands through it. I slink lower in the seat, guilt and shame riding me hard at their worry and fear.

Both guys jump off the porch before the car comes to a stop and Drew mumbles something under his breath before stepping out. I open my door more slowly, and Cade is upon me in seconds. His magic bursts out of him, purple wisps fluttering around me, caressing my skin as if searching for an injury. Cade’s eyes flare in surprise before he reins it back in.

“Are you okay?” He grabs my face in his hands, not as gentle as he usually is, and the fear in his gaze makes me want to sink into the ground and never come back out.

Guilt makes my skin prickle, like it’s stretched too tight over my bones. I try to nod, but his grip is too strong. “Yes,” I croak. “I’m fine.”

“Where the hell did you go? Why didn’t you tell us? Ellis, we were worried sick about you!”

“I’m sorry,” I mumble, casting my gaze down, unable to look at him as shame heats the back of my neck.

“I’m going to rip out your fucking throat!”

Kai’s growl jerks my head up, and I see him pinning Drew to the side of the car. I pull away from Cade and rush around to grab Kai’s arm.

“Wait! Kai, don't hurt him!”

He growls in response, no words, just low, rumbly vibrations I feel in his arms. His eyes are glowing red and his fangs are longer than I’ve ever seen.

“Kai, let him go! It was my idea to leave. Drew didn’t want to take me, but I told him I’d go without him if he didn’t.” I try to wedge myself between them, but Kai shifts so I can’t.

Drew wheezes, Kai’s hand around his throat making breathing difficult, but he manages to say, “I made sure she was safe.”

“Please, Kai. Let him go.” I tug on his arm, but it’s like trying to pull down a steel beam. “Don’t punish him for my choices.”

Kai holds Drew pinned to the car for a second longer before he pushes away. He doesn’t go far though. Faster than I can blink, he throws a right hook. I scream as Drew’s head snaps to the side and blood sprays.

“Fuck,” Drew grunts, holding the side of his face. Blood streams from his broken nose and dribbles down his chin. I try to go to him, but he holds out a hand to stop me. “It’s fine. It’s the least I deserve.”

Kai grunts and turns to me. Under that piercing red stare, I shrink back. Normally, I’d be excited to draw the monster out, but this time I know I really messed up. The monster isn’t out to play.

“Kai,” I breathe shakily.

“Get inside.” His voice is barely recognizable as his own, and his entire body is taut like a bowstring.

Drew hesitates. “Ellis …”

Kai growls, and his body tenses even more.

“You should leave, Drew,” I say, never taking my eyes off Kai. “I’ll be fine.”

“Inside. Now,” Kai says, taking a step forward.

I nod my head and turn around, heading for the porch. Cade watches me with his arms crossed, a look in his eyes that screams with hurt. My heart sinks. I really fucked up. In the living room I perch on the edge of the couch, too nervous to sit all the way back onto the cushions. My gaze bounces between Cade and Kai, and I bite my lip.

“I’m sor?—”

Kai holds out a hand, stopping me. I close my eyes and let my head fall forward, hiding my face in the curtain of my hair. The couch dips, and I know who it is without looking. Even without the scent of cedar and lilac, Kai is too wound up to sit down.

Cade puts his hand on my thigh and something settles within me. “Where did you go, Ellis?”

“I went to talk to Cole,” I whisper. Sterling isn’t back yet, and the guys would have no way to let him know I’m home safe if he’s in his wolf form.

“Why?” Cade asks.

“Because they need to talk.” I look up to meet his gaze. “I think it would be safer to deal with Sam if Noah was out of the picture. Sterling agrees, but he won’t challenge Noah without Cole, and he won’t talk to Cole. So, I talked to him.”

“Sterling won’t like that you got involved,” Cade mutters, his gaze guarded like he’s holding back his emotions.

“I only told him my story. I’m hoping it will help him put some things in perspective, and he’ll be willing to talk to Sterling.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Kai growls, pausing his pacing to stare at me.

I shrug. “I don’t know.” My voice wobbles and tears blur my vision. “I thought you guys would say no. That you would tell me to not get in the middle of them.”

Kai huffs a humorless laugh. “Yeah. You’re probably right.” He shakes his head. “What you did was so incredibly stupid, Ellis!” His words hit me like a slap, and I flinch. “Did you forget how many people are hunting you right now? What if Sam had found you? What if Noah had come home and found you in his house? You left the fucking wards Cade put down for your protection and offered yourself up on a silver fucking platter!”

“It was a mistake. I’m sorry.” I stare at Kai, some of my guilt warping into anger. “And see?” I fling my hand toward him, pacing back and forth. “You just said so yourself. You would have said no. What else was I supposed to do?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe talk to us?” Kai snaps back at me. “Maybe act like a responsible adult instead of a child!”

I grit my teeth and sit up straighter, glaring daggers at him. “You don’t get to talk to me like that just because I messed up.”

Kai huffs a laugh but there’s no humor in it. “No. I get to talk to you like this because you scared the fucking shit out of us by this stupid stunt you pulled. Put yourself in our shoes, Ellis. How would you have felt?”

That cools some of my anger. A single tear slips down my cheek, and I hastily wipe it away. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. I know it’s not enough. It doesn’t fix anything, but I don’t know what else to say.

Kai runs a hand through his hair and sighs. “I need to feed before I say or do something I’ll regret.”

I suck in a breath and bite my lip, but Kai cuts his blood red gaze to me and shakes his head.

“Not from you. I’m too pissed right now. Cade?”

His words cut through me like a jagged knife. It sucks all of the fight out of me and leaves me reeling. It would have hurt less if he had hit me. I almost wish he would have hit me. That I know I can deal with. But knowing he doesn’t want to feed from me, his beloved, it's suffocating.

I gasp for breath and shakily push from the couch. Everything blurs around me as I head for the stairs, feeling like my world has been completely upended. I don’t know how I make it to the bedroom, but when I collapse onto the bed, the tears I’d been holding back break free.

I bury my face in the pillow and sob. Soul crushing sobs that shake my entire body. It’s my fault. I knew they would be mad, but I wasn't ready to deal with the consequences of my actions. I’m so fucking stupid.

I pull a pillow over my head, not wanting to hear anything that happens downstairs. Just thinking about Kai feeding from Cade makes my heart shatter into tiny pieces. I’m his beloved. It always made me feel special that I could provide for him in a way no one else could. And here he is, feeding from Cade instead.

With the pillow over my head, I don’t hear the bedroom door open. I jerk when it gets pulled away and someone sits on the edge of the bed. Sterling runs his gaze over me, a little wild and scared as he makes sure I’m okay. My lips tremble again and I swallow down a sob.

He sighs heavily and scoots to the head of the bed, leaning against the headboard and holding his arms open for me. The sob I tried to hold back escapes, and I crawl to him, letting him wrap me in his arms. I collapse against his chest and cry. I needed this. I needed one of my guys to hold me and let me know that even though I messed up, everything is still okay.

Sterling holds me tightly, like he needs to be sure I’m safe, like he’s trying to hold me together. He doesn’t say anything until my tears run their course. When they do, I’m left hiccuping and sniffling, but I feel a tiny bit better.

I pull away and grimace. “I’m sorry,” I hiccup, trying to wipe my tears from his chest which is now wet and shiny.

He shakes his head and lifts my chin, wiping my cheeks. “Talk to me, kitten. Where did you go, and why was it so important to have Drew take you without telling us?”

I swallow and duck my head against his chest again, unable to look at him while I admit what I did. “I went to see Cole,” I mumble.

He jerks, but he keeps his arms around me. “What? Why?”

“Because I know how much you want to challenge Noah. And I know you won’t do it without Cole. But I also know you won’t talk to him even though you want to.” I pull back and look at him, searching his gaze for anger. It’s there, but he’s not near as angry as Kai. “I lost my sister. I mean, I thought I lost her. Maybe I still have, who knows what she’ll be like when we rescue her. I live with that pain every day. Wanting to talk to her. Wanting to share my life with her. But I can’t. And it sucks. It really, really sucks.” I have to pause to swallow down more tears. “But Cole is still alive. You haven’t lost him. I just thought if I could do something to help you guys repair what’s been broken, then you wouldn’t have to live with the pain of missing your brother like I miss my sister.”

Sterling deflates, his shoulder slumping. He rests his forehead against mine. “How the hell can I be mad at you for thinking like that?” He pulls away and takes my face gently in his hands. “You know you shouldn’t have left without us knowing, right? It was dangerous, and if something had happened to you …” he trails off, unable to finish that thought. “I haven’t been that scared before in my life,” he whispers, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “Not knowing where you were. Not knowing if you were in danger or hurt. It was terrifying.”

Tears build on my lashes again, but I blink them away. “I’m sorry. I know it was wrong. I know I shouldn’t have done it. I never wanted to scare you guys.” I rub my chest. “There was something inside me that told me I had to do it. I can’t explain but, it was like a tug in my chest that I had to follow. I almost want to say it was something I had to do, like as a harpy. The pull was so strong.”

Sterling studies me with a frown. “You’re saying you think it’s part of your job as a harpy to make sure I become alpha?”

I shrug and wipe my cheeks again. “It makes sense. Noah has to be taken care of for many reasons. Bringing balance back to the wolves seems like a pretty important job.”

He nods his head slowly. “What did Cole say?”

“He didn’t say anything, but I didn’t give him a chance to. I just told him my story in the hopes it would make him realize you did what you had to do.”

“You told him everything?” Sterling asks quietly.

“Everything about me. Well, except the harpy part and being bonded to all three of you. There wasn’t time to go into that.”

He nods. “You still shouldn’t have done it without telling us.”

“I know. I’m so sorry, Sterling.”

“I know you are.” He pulls me against him again and I let his warmth wrap around me.

“Cade and Kai …”

“Give them time. Kai especially. I can’t explain the terror we all felt. They’ll have to process this in their own way and their own time.”

I release a breath and let the knowledge that at least one of my Shields still loves me settle the unease in my gut. He holds me tightly until the bedroom door opens. I look up to see Cade standing in the doorway. His hair is mussed, but I can’t tell if that’s because he’s been running his hands through it or if Kai has. My gaze drops to his neck where two fresh puncture marks mar the surface.

I’m not prepared for the angry jealousy that sweeps through me. I’ve never felt that way with the two of them. I love how much they love each other, and I’ve never not wanted them to be together. But this is different. This hurts so much worse because I know it’s my fault. Kai chose Cade because of what I did.

I swallow down the tears that burn the back of my throat and bury my face in Sterling’s chest, unable to look at Cade and the reminder that Kai fed from him and not me. Cade sighs, and the bed dips as he sits.

“Ellis,” he says gently and places his hand on my thigh. When I don’t respond, he sighs again and climbs to the top of the bed next to Sterling. “I know you’re upset that Kai fed from me, but there was nothing sexual about it this time. He was worried if he fed from you he would end up hurting you. That’s all it was.”

I still say nothing because it was my fault. And I can’t help the guilt that has been weighing me down since I saw them standing on the front porch. I knew they would be angry, but I never really thought about why they would be angry. I didn’t think about how much me disappearing without a word would scare them. Why did I do it? I wish I could go back and start over. Maybe I’d be able to convince them to take me to talk to Cole. But then again, what if I couldn’t have?

I don’t lift my head from Sterling’s chest, but I raise my gaze to look at Cade. He’s leaning against the headboard with his head tipped back and eyes closed. There’s a strain around his eyes and mouth, like he still hasn’t completely shaken the worry and fear.

“I think making sure Sterling becomes alpha of the pack is part of my duties as harpy,” I say. “There was something inside me that wouldn’t settle until I talked to Cole. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys. I’m sorry I scared you. But I was worried you would say no, and I really needed to do this.”

Cade opens his eyes and looks at me. He studies me, his violet gaze piercing me straight to my soul. “I could see that being the case. Removing Noah would restore a lot of balance within the wolves.” He runs his hand through his hair, messing it up further. “But that doesn’t make it okay. You should have told us. You shouldn’t have left the wards without one of us. Ellis, what if Sam found you?” His voice cracks, emotion filling him and overflowing as he tries his hardest to keep his fears under control.

While his words make me panic at the just the thought of Sam finding me, I can also see the panic in his eyes as he thinks about it. My lips tremble again, and tears blur my vision … again.

“I’m sorry,” I say between hiccuping sobs. “I don’t know what to do to make you guys trust me again. And I … I know it was wrong. I just … I needed to …” Where is my anger? Why do I just feel sad about all of this? I just want my guys to not be angry with me anymore.

“Oh, Ellis. Come here.” He holds open his arms, and I can’t resist the pull to climb onto his lap. He holds me close and I inhale his scent, letting it calm me. “Love, I know you’re sorry. I just need you to understand how dangerous it was. I’m not mad at you. I still trust you. I was just … terrified.” He shudders under me, and his hand traces circles on my back.

With Sterling sitting next to us, and both of their hands on me, the adrenaline coursing through me evaporates. I spent all morning working on shifting with Sterling. Then I shared my entire story with Cole and Sterling’s mom. Topping off my day with all the crying and worrying and guilt, I’m utterly exhausted—physically, mentally, and emotionally. My eyes grow heavy, and the steady thumping of Cade’s heart under my ear lulls me closer and closer to sleep.

Just as I’m about to drift off, Cade presses a kiss to the top of my hair. “Sleep, love. Everything is going to be okay.”

With his reassurance echoing in my mind, I let myself slip away.