These Wicked Desires (Fates #3)

5. Kai

Kai

I’m on edge, unable to sit still or calm my heart. The restless feeling could easily be remedied by going upstairs and talking to Ellis, but I’m not ready for that. In all my years of living, I have never lost control of the monster inside me. Tonight, I came really damn close. That alone has left me unsteady and unsure of everything. If it hadn’t been for Cade, I for sure would have done something I would have regretted later.

I sit on the porch steps and sigh. The moon reflects off the lake in the distance and just the thought of it makes my chest ache. That night was perfect. Being able to give Ellis what she’d been dreaming of was amazing. And being together, the four of us, finally, was honestly the most special night of my life. But even thinking about that night and the possibility of more like it to come can’t help me shake this sensation.

Behind me the door opens and closes, and the sound of bare feet thumping on the wooden porch precedes the scent of pine and winter air. Sterling sits next to me with a heavy exhale. It’s been a while since we’ve been alone, just the two of us. So much got weird between us while he was figuring out his situation with Ellis. It’s nice having him back.

“She’s asleep,” he says. “And so is Cade.”

I nod, not surprised by any of it. Ellis had an emotionally draining day. And I took more from Cade than I probably should have. “She told you why she left?” I’m curious to know his reaction to Ellis trying to make peace between the brothers.

“Yeah, and I can’t fault her for it. I mean, obviously I wish she wouldn’t have gone off without one of us, but her heart was in the right place.” He takes the hair tie off his wrist and tugs his hair into a messy bun on the back of his head. “She knows what it’s like to lose a sibling, and she didn’t want me to go through that.”

I nod. Like Sterling, I don’t fault her for why she did it. I just don’t like the way she went about it. Unfortunately, I think she was probably right. Had she asked Cade and me to take her, we probably would have said no. Neither of us would have wanted to help her get in the middle of something we thought Sterling would want her to stay out of.

It’s just one more reason tonight left me so on edge. She didn’t trust us to help her so she went behind our back. And she would have been right. What does that say about us? It makes me realize we need to trust her more. Not just because she knows us better than we do. But because no one has ever listened to her before. And if she thinks she needs to do something for us, we need to let her.

“I hurt her by feeding from Cade instead of her.” The look in her eyes when she realized I chose him over her will haunt me for the rest of my life. But it was the emotions I picked up on that I’ll never be able to shake. Betrayed. Heartbroken. Devastated. They were so strong I could barely remain standing. It took all of my self control to remain on my feet. Just thinking about it makes the monster inside me restless.

“Once you talk to her she’ll understand,” Sterling says. “This is the first time something like this has happened, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. We all have a lot to learn. None of us have ever been in a relationship like this and we’re bound to make mistakes.”

He would know. And based on what I’m picking up from him, he’s thinking of exactly that.

“She loves us, and we love her. In the end, that will get us through everything.” Sterling grimaces as he stretches out his neck from side to side, the bones popping softly.

He’s right, and while that knowledge helps to ease some of my worry, I know I just have to wait to hear it from Ellis to make everything right again.

We sit quietly for a few moments, the only sounds are the crickets chirping in the darkness and the occasional call of an owl or the howl of a wolf. I’ve always loved the night, and not just because I’m a vampire and hate the sunlight. To me, there is nothing more peaceful than when the world is asleep.

Being the vampire prince and my father’s assassin, I never get to spend as much time outside at night just enjoying the stillness as I would like. The blanket of stars overhead in the vast black sky does something to a person. It humbles you. Makes you realize there is so much more out there than you could ever fathom. It’s a good reminder for someone like me who has everything they could ever want in the palm of their hands.

I turn to Sterling to find him staring at the stars as well. “We haven’t talked in a while,” I say. “Ellis seems to think you want to be alpha. Is that the case?”

He nods. “Ultimately, yeah. But it’s a decision I would make with all of you. My choice no longer just impacts me. I have all of you to think about now, too.”

I nod. That’s something that will take some getting used to. Any decisions we make from here on out will have to be as a team. “Well, I’m all for it. Getting the wolves back to what they were when your dad was alpha would benefit everyone.”

“What about you?” he asks, turning to me. “You’re still the prince, after all.”

I sigh. I’ve never been more conflicted about my future than I have been recently. “I’ve always wanted to be king after my dad. You know how much I want to change how things are done. I don’t know if that’s still a possibility. I guess that will also be a group discussion.” I run my hands through my hair, looking at the lake in the distance. “But I do know I’m done being my dad’s lackey. As soon as all of this is over, I’m making sure he understands Ellis is off limits, and he can find someone else to do his bidding.”

He nods. “I have a feeling Ellis will be going after Cade’s family next. She won’t settle for them being held captive. We need to be prepared for that.”

He’s right. “Yeah. And this time we’ll make sure we do it together.”

Silence falls around us once again, until he pushes up from the steps with a soft groan. “I’m going to try and get some sleep. You coming?”

I shake my head. “No. I’m going to hang out here for a bit longer.” Even if I wanted to sleep, I’m too hardwired to be awake at night. Besides, until I settle things with Ellis, I won’t be able to sleep anyway.

“Sounds good. And Kai?” Sterling stops with his hand on the knob. “Everything will be fine.”

The moon is low on the horizon when the porch door opens again. This time vanilla and lavender swirl around me, and my heart skips a beat. She doesn’t sit next to me, instead she stands behind me until I turn around to look at her. Her arms are wrapped around her middle and her shoulders are curved inward. She looks like she did when we first rescued her from Sam. It hits me so hard in the gut I double over. It’s my fault my beloved looks like that.

I climb to my feet and face her. “Ellis,” I breathe.

She sucks in a breath, shoulders shaking, and silver lines her eyes as tears gather on her lashes. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, her words almost being blown away in the slight early morning breeze. “I messed up, and I’m so, so sorry.”

Unable to stop myself, I climb the steps to her and pull her into my arms. She shudders and collapses against me as her tears finally spill over. The tension inside me settles with her in my arms. Even the monster calms down. I carry her to the porch swing and settle her in my lap with her head on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry, too,” I say, rubbing her back gently.

“I just?—”

“Shh, it’s okay. I talked to Sterling already. You don’t need to explain yourself again. And it’s not entirely your fault.” She shifts to look at me with a questioning gaze. “You didn’t trust us to let you make a decision you felt you needed to make. And that’s on us. We need to do a better job of trusting you.” I sigh and tug her head against my shoulder again. “You were right. We would have said no, and we shouldn’t have. We need to listen to you and your instincts more, instead of just ours. You're ultimately more powerful than us, and your purpose is greater than ours. We need to remember that.”

“I don’t want you to think you can boss me around just because I’m your beloved,” she says quietly, not quite looking me in the eye. “Sometimes I feel like I’m not heard, so I think that’s why I did this without telling you guys.”

I release a breath, trying my best to ignore the way my stomach flips at her words. “Fuck, Ellis. I never want you to feel that way. And I’m sorry if I’ve done that. I mean it. Your happiness and safety are my top priorities. I guess sometimes I focus too much on the safety part.”

She says nothing, but she tucks herself tighter against me, and I press a kiss to the top of her head. We sit that way for a few minutes, watching the moon sink below the horizon as the sun begins to make its ascent, painting the sky a brilliant shade of pink and orange. I’ll have to go inside soon, but there is one more thing I need to say to her.

“Ellis, I’m sorry I hurt you when I fed from Cade.”

She stiffens in my arms, and the thread of contentment I could feel from her disappears, replaced with jealousy and heartache. I don’t like that bitter taste of jealousy in my mouth. She’s never shown that before when Cade and I have been together.

“I needed to calm the monster. It was out of control, and I was worried I would take too much and hurt you.” I push her away so I can look at her, I need her to understand why I did it. “I had no way of knowing what I’d end up doing if I fed from you. For all I know, the monster could have taken over, I could have ended up killing you.” The shudder that runs through me is entirely involuntary. Just the thought of … I shake myself to stop that train of thought.

Her amber eyes search mine and she slowly nods. “I get it,” she whispers. “I trust you, though. The monster doesn’t scare me, and I honestly don’t think it would harm me. But I can respect your decision. Even if I didn’t like it.”

I take her face in my palms, wiping away the stray tears that still leak from her eyes. “You will always be my first choice, baby girl. Cade’s blood helps, but it’s not the same. You are my beloved, and only your blood can truly satisfy me.”

Tears swim in her eyes, and she reaches up to brush her hair from her neck, tilting her head to the side as she does so. I brush my nose along her throat, inhaling her scent and my heart kicks up, both of us reacting to and matching the other. She needs this as much as I do. To wipe away the hurt, to satisfy the need only she can fulfill.

“I love you, Ellis,” I mumble against her skin, kissing my mark and making her shudder.

She gasps as I sink my fangs into her neck. That first taste of her blood on my tongue makes me groan. Nothing will ever compare to it. Rich and dark. Like the most decadent chocolate.

I have no intention of making this sexual. This moment is all about repairing trust and moving forward. Ellis has other ideas though. Her hips grind against mine and I can’t resist sliding my hands up her thighs and under the t-shirt she’s wearing—Sterling’s from the scent. I really fucking love when she wears only a t-shirt. Her skin is smooth and warm under my palms and I grip her ass, tugging her down on my hardening cock so she can rub against it.

Before I know what she’s doing, her hands are at my waist, yanking my sweats down and wrapping her hand around my length. I groan as my hips lift, seeking more from her. She gives me what I want—what we both want. Slowly, she slides down onto my cock, her wet heat enveloping me. Her hands move to my hair, tangling in the strands as she rolls her hips in a delicious pattern.

I usually would’t keep my fangs in her neck while we fucked. There is too much of a risk of tearing through her artery with our movements. But this is slow and sensual. There is nothing rough or hurried about it. I slow my sucking, not wanting to take too much, but not willing to stop either.

“Make me come, Kai,” she breathes.

Fuck. With pleasure. It takes a single thought from me to make the feeding sexual—well, more sexual than it already is. She cries out as pleasure rocks her body, her core tightening around me. I slide one hand between us and press down on her clit, and she loses it. I have to remove my fangs as she jerks when her orgasm overcomes her. Her pussy clenching around my cock, her breathy moans, and the way she whispers my name send me over the edge with lightning shooting through my veins.

When we still, she lays her head on my shoulder, and the contentment and peace I felt earlier once again brush against my barriers. The monster is calm, practically purring at having Ellis in our arms again.

“We’re okay?” she asks, her words slurred and lazy.

My heart matches hers, steady and slowing down. “We’re okay, baby girl. We’ll always be okay.”

She snuggles closer and I smile. Picking her up, I carry her inside and up the stairs to her two other Shields.