Trick of Light (The Sutton Book Club 2)

Chapter 11

The specialty hospital in Boston had an award-winning children’s wing. Rod read up about it in the waiting room as Renee and Felix played with blocks on the floor, Renee trying her best to distract Felix from the horror of what they were about to learn. Rod was hunched over in a plastic chair, his shoulders shoved forward, his heart skipping beats. One after another, the doctor called in other children from other families, presumably to tell them life-altering news. Rod pinched himself every few minutes just in case it was possible to wake up from this nightmare.

Felix seemed more or less okay. He was awake, laughing sometimes, building up piles of blocks only to tear them back down. He was three years old, boisterous, beautiful—with long lashes and rosy cheeks. But those bruises all up and down his arms, legs, and torso meant something. And the doctors were calling it cancer. A tumor that was more or less focused at the top part of his spine. “Nearly the brain,” a doctor in Nantucket had startled them by saying. “If we don’t act quickly, it could head up there.”

Ever since they’d learned the worst, Rod had struggled to sleep. He’d added up all the events of his life, looking for reasons this had happened. He’d done numerous things wrong. He’d hurt people along the way. Was this payment? Was this retribution?

Renee was a strong and wonderful mother. She never allowed Felix to see her upset and never showed her hand. She believed they needed to be strong, both emotionally and physically, for Felix’s sake. Felix would take his cues from them. “We have to fight alongside him,” she said.

Eventually, the doctor called them in. As Felix continued to play with blocks on the floor, the doctor explained just how aggressive Felix’s cancer was. They needed to operate sooner rather than later.

“And if you operate,” Rod demanded, “will it be over after that? Will he be cured?”

“We never know until afterward,” the doctor explained. “Due to Felix’s particular form of cancer and where it is, it’s impossible to say if it’s spread yet. We will do numerous tests after the fact.”

Rod’s heart thudded. This wasn’t the assurance he needed. When he realized she was shaking, he reached over and took Renee’s hand. Renee’s face betrayed no emotion.

After the consultation, Rod, Renee, and Felix walked outside into the sweltering heat. Felix babbled happily and shrieked with joy when Rod suggested they get McDonald’s. They drove to the nearest restaurant and sat at a plastic table over burgers, fries, chicken nuggets, and milkshakes. Rod had never been so uninterested in food. Despite his illness, Felix had a ravenous appetite. It was hard to believe his body was riddled with cancer.

“I think you should move back in today,” Rod said to Renee. He wanted to keep an eye on them.

Renee’s chin quivered. “Okay,” she said, rubbing her eyes. “I’ve already emailed the hotel and told them I need to take a leave of absence.”

“I’m sure they understand,” Rod said.

Not to belittle Renee’s work, but Rod couldn’t imagine anything less important than “marketing” at a luxury hotel. Not in the face of cancer. They could make do without her.

“I know I need to call Vinny and confirm that this is really happening,” Renee said, sniffling. “But when I told him what the doctor in Nantucket already said, he wasn’t exactly open to hearing more.”

Rod sputtered. “Open to it? What do you mean?”

Renee’s eyes were glazed. Rod reminded himself not to say anything overtly rude about her on-again, off-again boyfriend. It was never clear where she stood on her opinion of him.

“He’s just scared,” Renee said, wiping her lips with a napkin.

Rod wanted to blare out the truth that they were all frightened and that they needed to come together for the sake of Felix. That Vinny was a grown man. But at that moment, Felix crammed ten french fries into his mouth and roared like a dinosaur, and both Rod and Renee laughed with tears raining down their faces. Their love for this little boy had to save him. It just had to.

Rod drove Renee and Felix back to the ferry at Hyannis Port, where they got out and stood on the top deck with tourists who watched the horizon expectantly, eager to see Nantucket Island. Felix adored the ferry and wandered around, talking to people as though he owned the place. He’d always been very social, unafraid of making human connections. Rod liked to think he got that from him.

“Vinny won’t even answer my texts,” Renee admitted just as the island came into view.

“You should cut him off,” Rod said, unable to stop himself. “He doesn’t deserve to know Felix if he can’t handle this.”

“The world doesn’t need even more cruelty,” Renee said quietly. “I want to show him compassion.” She swallowed. “But I need him to come around. For Felix’s sake. For mine.”

Under the surface of her words, Rod heard the truth that she loved Vinny. That she always would.

But he’d disappointed her so tremendously that she wasn’t sure she could fully forgive him. Rod understood that, too.

Rod buckled Felix into his car seat, jumped up into the driver’s side, and carefully drove the truck off the ferry, gripping the steering wheel a little too hard. His hands cramped. All the way to Renee’s place, the radio played old nineties hits that reminded Rod of his own high school days. He could practically hear Bethany singing them as though her voice perpetually haunted him. If he pushed his imagination a little too far, he could feel Bethany beside him in the front seat of the car that had broken down many years ago. He could feel the love they’d once shared.

Rod hadn’t told Renee about texting Bethany. Ultimately, he was embarrassed that he’d reached out at all. He’d assumed Bethany would write back immediately and leap at the chance to chat. But she hadn”t responded since he’d written her three days ago.

Perhaps it had been arrogance making him think they could come together now in friendship. He cursed himself for that.

It was impossible to know what Bethany’s life was like now. Victor had hinted that she didn’t have an overwhelmingly happy life. But who did? Everyone just kept going. Everyone just put one foot in front of the other.

And perhaps it was cruel of Rod to try to draw Bethany back into his world. Too much had happened.

Rod played with Felix in the living room as Renee packed their bags and prepared to spend the next month or two at Rod’s place—the home where he’d raised her. It was summer, which meant they didn’t need much clothing, and Rod had plenty of toys at his place to keep Felix occupied.

More than that, there was no telling what Felix’s energy would be like once he started treatment. Surgery could seep the energy out of even the most boisterous children. Rod was terrified of that future. But they would deal with it when it came.

Once they were back at Rod’s place, Felix fell asleep on the sofa, and Renee and Rod crept around him tentatively. Renee still hadn’t heard from Vinny, and she was prone to bursts of tears, during which she fled the room so as not to wake up Felix. Renee had hardly eaten any of her McDonald’s, and Rod began to prep a healthy fish dish with noodles for Felix and plenty of vegetables. As he sliced and diced garlic, onions, and broccoli, Felix woke up in the living room and whispered tenderly to his mother, asking her what was wrong.

“Nothing, baby,” Renee told him, sniffling. “I’m just fine. How are you feeling?”

Rod had half a mind to pull up Vinny’s number and send him a horrible, angry text. But every time he considered it, he was reminded of himself at that age. What a fool he’d been.

Vinny would regret these days for the rest of his life. Rod didn’t need to do anything for that to be so.

Rod’s regrets for what he’d done at eighteen hung heavily on his shoulders, especially this week. Especially when he pulled up the text messages he’d sent Bethany—begging to talk on the phone.

After dinner that night, Rod convinced Renee to take an hour or two for herself. She poured herself a glass of wine and filled the bathtub, muttering to herself that she really didn’t have time, that Felix needed her. But despite his medical ailments, Felix was in good spirits. He begged Rod to read him the same book three times before he fell asleep with his head on Rod’s chest. Rod didn’t have the heart to move him for a good thirty minutes. As they sprawled out together on Felix’s bed, Rod flicked through his phone before giving in to what he really wanted to read about—the history of childhood cancers, the success rate of Felix’s upcoming surgery, and the success rate of this doctor in Boston.

Ultimately, he found himself googling “Bethany Sutton surgeon.”

He read:

“Bethany Sutton Waterstone is a gifted surgeon and the newly named head of Savannah Waterstone Hospital. Over the past thirteen years, Bethany has helmed more than three hundred surgeries and guided countless adults and children to better health. In 2018, she was named The Best Surgeon in the United States, and in 2020, she was listed as one of the most essential healthcare employees of the pandemic—a hero in every sense of the word.”

When Rod googled Nick Waterstone, her husband, he read:

“Nick Waterstone settled out of court for a malpractice suit.”Apparently, Nick had made an error during surgery that resulted in the patient requiring another surgery immediately afterward. Nick had had to pay a substantial settlement.

What did Bethany think of that? Rod had known her to be tremendously thoughtful, the sort of woman who always planned ahead and never made an error. Could she respect Nick after that? What was a marriage without respect?

Then again, Rod had never been married. He’d even failed his attempt at dating. What did he know about human relationships?

Rod darkened his screen and nestled his head deeper on Felix’s pillow. Ever since Felix’s birth, he’d had a room at Rod’s. And Rod had secretly dreamed of the day that Felix and Renee would live with him. He hadn’t imagined it would be like this, though.

Renee appeared in the doorway. She had wet hair and wore a big T-shirt that she’d had since high school, upon which was written Nantucket Football. She looked as though she’d cried all the way through her bath.

“Look at the two of you,” she breathed, crossing her arms over her chest. “Aren’t you two peas in a pod?”

As gently as he could, Rod shifted Felix off his chest and wrapped him up in his blankets with his stuffed bear beside him. He tiptoed backward out of the room and shut the door only halfway. If Felix needed him in the night, all he had to do was call.