Trick of Light (The Sutton Book Club 2)

Chapter 13

1997

Bethany’s classmates at Nantucket High called her “intense” both to her face and behind her back. She knew, behind her back, that they weren’t very kind. They asked each other why Bethany Sutton had to make them feel “so bad” about their grades and extracurriculars—why she thought she was so much better than them. But Bethany couldn’t care less. Bethany was on the road to a different life. She would be a doctor someday—and genuinely help people in need. She wouldn’t let anything like what happened to Joel happen to anyone else if she could help it. That meant acing every test, learning everything about the elements on the periodic table, and not drinking at parties on the weekend. It meant acting “old” at seventeen.

The fact that Bethany Sutton’s boyfriend was Rod Mathers confused almost everyone on Nantucket Island. Rod was a handsome and charming athlete with enough swagger to date the prettiest cheerleaders. Since the age of thirteen or fourteen, he’d walked across the island like he owned the place, certain of his footing. Why, then, did he spend so much time with that “mysterious and angry” Sutton girl? The one with brains?

Bethany knew better than to ask Rod to his face. She knew better than to question the thrumming love between them, the ache in her stomach when they spent time apart. She knew that, eventually, Rod would realize he could do better, that he would fall for the to-die-for cheerleader or Marcy Tailor, the cutest actress in the theater production of Grease.

Like all other islander couples, Rod and Bethany had met at the age of four or five. Their first meeting was no longer clear. Probably, they’d stumbled around together on a kindergarten playground, shared Play-Doh, or gotten into a fight about something on the storytelling rug. Bethany’s first real memory of Rod was in the second grade, when he’d given her a Disney princess-themed pencil from his pack and told her to only use it to write her most secret thoughts. Back then, Bethany had come to terms with the “secret life” within her own head—one that other people weren’t privy to. Rod seemed to understand that, too. He seemed to have one of his own.

They were friends first. They paired up in classes and read together after school. Esme and Rod’s mother, Gina, liked each other and frequently met up for coffee and playdates, joking about their children’s “budding love.” Neither of them actually believed in it, Bethany knew. They couldn’t know that Bethany had already imagined her and Rod’s wedding along a seaside cliff. They couldn’t know that, by age ten, Rod had already asked her to marry him.

At twelve, they shared their first kiss. It was strange and exhilarating and also terrible. It made both of them question what the big deal was about. “I thought it was something else,” Bethany explained to Rebecca that night, whispering on Rebecca’s bed. “But it’s just weird.” Rebecca urged her to keep trying. “You’ll get the hang of it.”

Eventually, they did. And then, they couldn’t stop.

Being young and in love had very little to do with Bethany’s academic and medical goals. She often felt that her brain”s romantic side was fully divorced from her other side. She assumed that was the secret to keep from going fully insane.

Because Rod was so well-liked in the Nantucket community, Bethany enjoyed a sort of queen status. They went everywhere together. They were given a good table at the diner with very thick milkshakes, free Cokes at the burger place, and free ice cream cones at the shop by the harbor. People took their photographs at Nantucket festivals and talked about them as “the future generation of Nantucket.” Bethany often imagined herself working at the Nantucket Hospital, helping her community through the pitfalls and horrors of having a body that failed you. Her biggest dream was to make the Nantucket Hospital one of the best on the East Coast.

And Rod believed in her every step of the way.

Once, during a silly argument between sisters (not long before Rebecca left to go to culinary school), Rebecca had told Bethany that Rod was the only reason Bethany was normal. Rebecca apologized profusely afterward, saying, “I don’t know why I said that. I’m so sorry, Bethy.” But Bethany knew Rebecca’s words echoed what everyone else thought.

Bethany wasn’t sure why she hadn’t told Rod about the application to NYU Hospital. It was an extremely competitive internship for high schoolers who wanted to get into the medical field. Bethany didn’t believe for half a second that she would get in.

One afternoon, Bethany and Rod went to her place to make dinner for Valerie. Esme was working late at the Sutton Book Club, and Rebecca was out of the house and no longer calling. Bethany felt tremendous pressure from her mother to keep things balanced. She alternated between anger and empathy at Rebecca. There were horrible ghosts in Nantucket—their father, their brother—and Rebecca had run.

“And that’s what I was trying to explain to Mr. Conrad,” Rod was saying as they breezed down the road to her place. “Historical context is incredibly important when you’re talking about stories.”

Bethany smiled prettily at Rod, whom she genuinely thought was the smartest guy in school. She paused at the mailbox to grab the mail, asking, “And he didn’t see your point?”

“He basically ignored it,” Rod said. “I think he knew I was right, but he wasn’t willing to admit it.”

Bethany rolled her eyes as she flicked through the mail. Bills, a letter from a long-lost relative. No word from her father, of course. And then, she gasped.

There was an envelope from NYU Hospital. It was addressed to her.

“What’s up?” Rod asked.

Bethany raised her eyes to his as her heart pumped. The envelope was much thicker than the others, proof that it held important information. Stuttering, she said, “I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t think I’d get in! And I didn’t want to jinx it.”

Rod’s eyes widened. “NYU Hospital? What is that?”

“It’s an internship,” Bethany explained. “Just for this summer. But it would be the most amazing thing to put on my résumé. Every medical school in the country recognizes this program. I would have my pick of the very best.”

“What are you waiting for?” Rod demanded. “Open it!”

In the glittering light of the April afternoon, Bethany tore open the envelope and read, “We are pleased to announce your acceptance to NYU Hospital’s internship program for high school students. Ah!” She screamed and leaped into Rod’s arms, shivering with excitement. Suddenly, she could imagine herself hustling through Manhattan streets, urgent and academic and charged. She could imagine herself becoming better, sleeker, smarter. Her dreams were possible. It was all in front of her.

Rod dragged Bethany inside so they could read the rest of the informational packet. He bubbled with pride for her. “My girlfriend is a genius! This is wild!”

When Valerie came home a few minutes later, Rod poured them all sparkling water, and they had a fake toast. Bethany laughed. “Isn’t it bad luck to toast with water?”

Rod said, “Not when it’s bubbly.”

Valerie had never been to New York, but even she knew how important it sounded. That was where people went to become important. Bethany was clearly bound for something great.

Due to Esme’s current income, Bethany was offered a full scholarship to the internship program, a dorm room with a bed and a desk, and a stipend that would allow her to live (sort of), buy groceries, and keep herself alive.

“That stipend might be able to get you a burger or two,” Rod said doubtfully.

“I can live on ramen noodles,” Bethany said, waving her hand. “I’m not worried about that.”

She was prepared to give her body completely to the cause.

There were still six more weeks of school. Bethany spent them in a delirious tizzy, making lists of what to pack and cramming her head with as much medical knowledge as she could. Of course, she knew she wouldn’t be actually working on patients herself. She was only seventeen. But she wanted to be fully prepared for every possible scenario. She wanted the doctors to recognize her talents.

But as April flourished into May, Bethany took time to see Rod, to bask in the warming light alongside him, and to worry about their future. They’d planned to spend the summer together, sailing and barbecuing, and sometimes stealing wine from Rod’s mother’s cupboard. The internship destroyed those plans.

Bethany tentatively explained her thoughts about that to Rod one afternoon after school. Rod wrapped his arms around her and breathed, “I’m going to visit you all the time, Bethany. You can’t get away from me. You know that.”

Bethany laughed nervously as tears filled her eyes. “I’m sorry! I don’t know why I’m crying,” she said, touching her cheek.

It was rare for Bethany to cry. She’d wept almost continually after Joel had died and her father had left. She’d assumed she was all dried out.

“I just love you so much,” Bethany breathed, rising on her tiptoes to kiss him. Her heart filled. “Come with me. Won’t you?”

Rod let his shoulders drop. “I can’t, Bethany. You know that. I have a job and friends here. And you’re going to be at the hospital every hour of every day. What would I do in Manhattan all by myself?”

Bethany wrinkled her nose. “You could just wait for me in my dorm room?” She laughed as sweat bubbled across the back of her neck.

Rod kissed her nose tenderly. They both knew they would make it work.

Bethany was set to move into her Manhattan dorm on June 2nd. Because Esme had responsibilities at the Sutton Book Club, Rod took the day off work to drive her to the city. Throughout the drive, Bethany was captivated by him, turning her knees to face him and talking to him about everything she could think of. It was remarkable that she’d known him since age four and had never run out of things to say.

They listened to cassettes as they drove, swapping from Alanis Morissette to TLC to Nirvana. During “Numb,” Rod turned up the volume and screamed the lyrics, and Bethany cracked open the window of the passenger side and felt the June breeze over her cheeks and through her hair. It felt like the most delicious freedom.

Bethany felt they were being folded into a box when they entered the city. Enormous buildings overshadowed them, dwarfing them, and the air was filled with steam and smoke and difficult to breathe. Rod found a parking spot not far from the dorm, and they carried her two suitcases three blocks down and all the way to the twelfth floor. The elevator was, of course, broken, and there was no sign to indicate when it would be repaired. This was city life, Bethany thought.

Bethany’s dorm was reminiscent of photographs of prison Bethany had seen before. The bed was a twin, and the desk was hardly big enough for a small notebook. The window looked out over the alley with a view of a brick wall. Bethany and Rod made up the bed and silently sat at its edge. It felt as though the building swayed gently in the breeze.

“I’ve never lived this far up before,” Bethany said. “It doesn’t feel natural.”

That afternoon, Bethany was set to meet the other students and a few doctors and teachers involved in the program. Although Rod was slated to return to Nantucket that night, he made a phone call from a pay phone to ask for another day off. He wanted to stay and make sure Bethany was safe throughout the night.

Rod walked Bethany to the NYU Hospital, holding her hand and glancing around nervously. Bethany kissed him on the steps and hustled up to find a large banner with NYU Hospital High School Interns written on it. Beneath it were a number of smartly dressed students around her age. They looked at her scornfully, as though they didn’t trust anyone’s intelligence until they’d proven themselves over and over again. Bethany understood. She was the same way.

The internship leader was a man of about fifty who spoke about the future of the medical field. “The world is changing,” he said, “and our best and brightest must be strong enough to fight it. That’s you. We’re going to challenge you here this summer. We’re going to push you to the limits. But if you have the wherewithal to stay in the program, it means you’re meant for this business. It means you’re up to the task of saving hundreds if not thousands of lives.”

After the leader finished his speech, almost everyone else raised their hands to ask questions. Their well-thought-out and introspective questions spoke of their heightened intelligence.

As Bethany listened, her blood pressure spiked. Why hadn’t she come with any questions? Was she so arrogant to think she was totally prepared for what she was about to do? Did she really think a few high school classes could prepare her for such a tremendous program?

Impostor syndrome took hold of her. Eventually, she excused herself to the bathroom and breathed deeply into her hands, on the verge of a panic attack. When she returned to the foyer, people chatted easily about their hometowns and GPAs while snacking on cookies and soda. Smart people were sometimes insufferable, Bethany thought.

Bethany received her schedule, thanked the leader, and said she’d see him tomorrow. She then fled back to her dorm, her pulse blasting in her ears. When she reached the door, she rapped against it frantically, then dropped into Rod’s arms as soon as he opened it. She sobbed.

“I can’t do this,” she said, staining his T-shirt with her tears. “I’m not good enough. I should go home before it gets worse. Before I really learn I can’t be a doctor.”

Rod wrapped his thick arms around her and held her on the twin-sized bed as she shook and shook. Over and over again, he said, “Shh, Bethany. You’re going to be okay. You’re so brilliant! You’re so wonderful! You’ll show them how brilliant and wonderful you really are!”

His words sounded weak at first. But as he repeated them, Bethany’s breathing slowed, and she closed her eyes, suddenly exhausted.

“You can’t put yourself through this,” Rod told her. “You have to go into this remembering you were selected just like everyone else. You’re here for a reason.”

Bethany felt uneven and shaky. She felt like she could have slept for one hundred years. “Just take me home, Rod,” she said. “I’ll get a job at the diner. I’ll make money all summer. And we can do everything we planned.” It suddenly felt horrible that Rod planned to leave her here. She couldn’t handle it alone.

“Come on,” Rod said. “Let’s get some food. Let’s figure this out.” He helped her to her feet and led her down the twelve stories of stairs to the thrashing chaos of a June evening in Manhattan. They scoured the streets until they found a burger place that sold “The Best Fries in the World.” Feeling brave, Rod ordered them two cans of beer, and the guy behind the counter didn’t card them. They sat in the sweltering heat of the little restaurant, sipping beer and holding hands over the table. The beer took the edge off the sharpness of Bethany’s day, and she breathed easier.

“This was always going to happen,” Rod said, smiling gently. “You were always going to go off and do amazing things. But remember, it’s only three and a half months! You’ll be back in Nantucket in no time.”

Bethany swallowed a big gulp of beer. “But we’re going to the same university, right?”

They’d spoken about this many times. They would go to the same undergraduate university, and then Rod would follow her wherever she went to medical school and residency.

“You know it,” Rod said. “You can’t get away from me.”

Bizarrely, Bethany thought now of all the gorgeous girls back in Nantucket—the girls who watched them angrily and with jealousy as they walked hand in hand down the hallway of Nantucket High. Nobody understood their relationship. But then again, nobody was in it except them. They didn’t know how strong it truly was. Their bond would never be broken.

“I do love you, Bethany Sutton,” Rod said, squeezing her hands over the table. “I can’t wait to watch your meteoric rise as you become the best doctor in the country.”

“And what will you become?” Bethany asked.

Rod thought for a moment. Over the years, he’d come up with several ideas—baseball player, architect, artist. Recently, though, he’d spoken about wanting to help people. Wanting to make a difference. Bethany knew he’d gotten that from her.

“Whatever it is,” Rod said, crunching through a french fry, “I want it to feel worthwhile. I want it to feel necessary.” He smiled. “But when we have children, know that I’m totally willing to stay at home with them and raise them. You’re meant to be in a hospital somewhere. And I’m happy to make sandwiches for the kids and watch you live out your dreams.”

Bethany was never sure how much she could believe him when he said something like that. It was the nineties, and things weren’t as they once were. But men staying home with the children was still a rarity. Could Rod really handle it? More than that, could he handle the ridicule from their peers?

But Rod had told her, over and over, that he didn’t care what anyone thought. All he cared about was Bethany and the life they were building. It was enough.