Chapter 5 #3
He cupped his hands on the table, still smiling as she tipped half her apple slices into his hands.
If he was concerned about her sticky fingers brushing his, he didn’t show it.
I could only watch, stunned, as he emptied his hands onto his plate and started munching away on the apple.
Sara did the same, grinning at him like he was her co-conspirator.
“Thanks, Sara,” Sebastian said with a solemn nod. “It’s very kind of you to share.”
“You’re welcome!” She giggled, blushing right up to her pig tails.
I deliberately ignored Mira’s quirked brow. It was just payback for Jet; I was pretty sure.
“So when do you guys go on?” Sebastian asked as he fished his phone out of his pocket. I was amazed he could fit anything in the pockets of his skin-tight jeans, but apparently it’s a skill you evolve when you become a real, Bonafide rockstar.
“4:30,” Kelly replied, sighing at the sight of our vacant faces. I try to keep track on when we’re going on at festivals, but my mind was still short circuiting at the sight of Sebastian and my daughter bonding over a wilted fruit salad.
“You’re on the main stage, right?” He glanced at me as he asked, an unspoken question buried under his furrowed brow. He wasn’t asking just to be polite – he wanted to know if it was ok for him to come and watch.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “You can stop by, if you want.”
“I will.”
A whistle from over by the edge of the tent caught everyone’s attention – it was Jet and he was gesturing for Sebastian to join him. With a sigh, the world’s biggest rockstar got up, dusted off his jeans and wandered off, flinging a salute and a pleased smile over his shoulder.
“I think that went well,” Kelly said brightly. She’s all about diplomacy, which I guess it pretty essential when you wrangle musicians for a living.
I buried my answering groan in my hands.
◆◆◆
Sebastian wasn’t the only one who turned up for our set.
The whole of Burning Bright showed up, alongside Bob, Adrian and Myah. Abbey, Sara and Kelly were there too, all huddled at the side of the stage. They were behind the overhead speakers, which gave them a bit of privacy from the roaring crowd.
Sara was wearing a pair of headphones to block out all the noise, and she looked positively adorable.
My heart grew at least two sizes at the sight of her, standing beside Abbey, dancing and clapping along even though I knew she couldn’t hear most of what was happening on stage.
She didn’t need to hear it; she knew her daddy was playing and that was enough to break out some of her best dance moves.
Abbey held on to her pretty tightly when she wasn’t clapping. We weren’t sure if she’d decide just to wander on to the stage to join in, like she sometimes did when she came to watch the band practice. It took me a second to notice that she was holding hands with two people.
Sebastian wasn’t holding hands with his fiancée, who seemed deep in conversation with a pretty redhead girl I didn’t recognize. No, he was holding hands with Sara. They were dancing and singing and generally having the time of their lives every time I looked over.
Sara’s not the most trusting kid (no idea where she gets that from…) so it usually takes her some time to get to know people, to get comfortable with them. Sebastian was apparently the exception for her just like he’d been for me .
I tried not to think about it, channelling the restlessness I’d been feeling since I stepped foot on that damn plane into the show. It was a fierce, dizzying set. I was blinking away sweat by the end of it, my throat and heart scaped raw.
I thanked the crowd one more time before bouncing off the stage with Shep, Mira and a waving Annabelle at my heels.
I scooped Sara up, dislodging her headphones.
Abbey caught them in a pretty smooth move; she’d clearly had to do that at least a few times during our set.
Sara squealed about how wet I was, but that didn’t stop her clinging on to me like I could drop her at any second.
Sebastian clapped his hand on my back, a stereotypical buddy gesture except his hand lingered there for a few seconds longer than was strictly necessary. I had to duck to hear him, my ears still ringing.
“You were incredible!” He shouted, his cheeks flushed. His eyes were glassy when they met mine, like he was picturing a different show, a different life, years ago.
He was still holding Sara’s hand in his free hand. I wondered how it looked, to the others, all three of us huddled together and grinning at each other like a bunch of idiots.
I wondered if we looked like a family.
◆◆◆
It turns out, I didn’t need to wonder what we’d looked like. Mira had snapped a picture, which she showed me as soon as we’d gotten showered and changed into clean clothes.
The sun had dipped below the horizon, so I was heading back to our bus to help Abbey put Sara down for the night.
She’d volunteered to babysit while I caught the Burning Bright set.
A few people in the crowd had been at an angle where they’d been able to see Sebastian and his band watching our set – the photos were all over social media.
The label was thrilled according to Kelly.
“Hey, you know that I love you right?” Mira asked, falling into step beside me as I started heading for the field of tour buses.
“Well that doesn’t sound like a cheery conversation opener,” I replied, my heart sinking as I glanced at her.
Yup, that was her worried face. Her expertly shaped brows were pulled down low over her concerned eyes and she was frowning. I stopped when she took my elbow, holding her phone up to my face .
It was a great photo of the three of us. She must’ve been standing to the side of our little huddle, so you could see all our faces. There was a lot of love there, and not just on my face or on Sara’s. We looked comfortable together, happy, just the three of us.
“It’s a great photo,” I mumbled, shaking off her hand as my cheeks flooded with heat. “Can you send it to me?”
“So you can stare longingly at it while Sebastian’s off fucking his fiancée?”
Well, that stopped me way more effectively than her hand on my arm had.
Mira’s all about the tough love, she doesn’t sugar coat anything.
It’s part of why I love her, but it’s not easy to take sometimes.
Even if she was one of the only people in my life who said what I needed to hear, I didn’t always want to hear it.
Judging by the way my stomach clenched at the mere mention of Sebastian and Myah, what she’d said was something else I could add to the “never wanted to hear that” list.
“Woah, where did that come from?” I asked, wondering if I looked as stunned as I felt.
“You two were never a casual thing, were you?” She asked, brushing off my question to fire off another of her own. That’s what she does – these difficult conversations are like a fight to her, moves and countermoves.
I could tell from the way her face softened at my stricken expression that she knew that was the mortal blow. Checkmate, game over, she had me.
“We were always just a casual thing,” I admitted, the words strangled by the lump on my throat. “That was the problem.”
“Was he fucking around? Is that why you hated him so much after the tour finished? Did you find out?”
“No,” I shook my head, grateful for the way my hair tumbled into my eyes like it could shield me from her questions. “That’s not what happened. Mira, do we really have to talk about this now? I’m gonna go put Sara to bed.”
She laced her fingers through mine, giving my hand a comforting squeeze as we set off in the direction of the buses. I was glad we were on the move, so that I didn’t have to look at her face, didn’t have to see the pity in her warm eyes.
“You know, if you want to tell me what happened…Max, I won’t judge. I love you and I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
I wasn’t sure how to tell her that she’d already seen me hurt, had already lived through a Sebastian aftermath once.
She hadn’t known what was going on then, and I didn’t want her to feel guilty.
She would, too, would’ve felt like she should’ve known, that she should’ve done more, when it had been all my fault.
I couldn’t let my band be there for me, the first time I had my heart broken, because I physically hadn’t been able to explain what Sebastian was to me, what he’d been to me. I didn’t have the words for it, back then.
“I love you too,” I told her, because it was the truth and it was easiest thing to say. “I know who and what Sebastian is, Mira. I’ve always known. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“Yeah? What is he?”
“Not mine.”
The words seemed to echo around the parking lot, bouncing off the darkened buses like a continuous reminder.
Not mine, not mine, not mine.
“Max…”
“Wanna come in?” I brushed off her concern with a forced smile as I punched in the door code for our bus. “The more people I have for Sara’s bedtime story, the fewer voices I need to do on my own.”
She looked at me for a long moment and I could tell she was seeing right through me – through my forced casualness, through my dismissal of Sebastian and our relationship, through all the bullshit I told myself daily in an attempt to keep myself from breaking down.
One of my absolute favorite things about Mira is that although she can be vicious, she knows how to pick her moments.
This wasn’t a start-of-tour conversation, not when months and thousands of miles with Burning Bright stretched out ahead of us.
“I’d love to,” she nodded. I let out a relieved breath and held the door open for her.
I was just grabbing one of Sara’s books from the little shelf in the back lounge of the bus when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I fished it out, frowning when I realized it was a message from Mira. I thumbed it open, my breath catching in my chest as I looked at the photo of Sebastian, Sara and me.
I saved it with a couple of taps, shoved my phone back in my pocket and headed back to Sara’s bunk.