Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
Lady Alison’s family arrived early the following morning, and Daniel’s feelings about the matter were more mixed than he liked to admit.
Is this not what I have been looking forward to? What I wanted to happen? Relief is what should be taking me, a weight lifted from my shoulders because things between Lady Alison and I were reaching a point from which I might not have been able to return…
If Daniel was being perfectly honest with himself, that point had already arrived. It was a good thing then that honesty was not what he was known for.
“My lord!” Godfrey swept into his office early that morning, not bothering to knock, which told Daniel how urgent the message was. “I came as soon as I was told.”
Daniel looked up from his work. They were the final details of his coming trip… or rather, his escape to the Americas. Most of it was taken care of already, all that was left to do was the final minute details that would finalize the matter so that there would be no going back.
But the morning was spent staring at the pages sprawled before him, unable to concentrate on what needed to be done, just as he was unwilling to commit as he knew he must. Just two weeks ago, Daniel had been so certain that this was what he wanted – the only thing to do. And now? So much had changed…
“Told what?” Daniel tore his eyes from the pages, the pit in his stomach gaping and hungry as it had been since last evening. He squirmed to feel it there, the way it consumed him.
“A carriage was spied coming down the driveway just now,” Godfrey explained. “Two carriages, in fact.”
Daniel frowned, taking a moment longer than he should have done to understand. Then it dawned on him, and that pit in his stomach opened a little bit further.
“Lord Pemberton?” he said, voice cracking. “You are sure?”
“Who else could it be?”
“And Lady Alison?” he winced to speak her name, the guilt of what he had done battering at him like angry fists.
“Has been informed,” Godrey assured him. “She is just now packing the few things she brought with her. I would say that any moment she will be downstairs to greet her family.”
“Good…” Daniel looked beyond Godfrey, through the walls and down the hall as if he could see into Lady Alison’s room.
He pictured her there, wanting to imagine a smile on her face because she was relieved that her family had come back.
But he saw instead sorrow, the crushing reality felt by them both that their time together was over. “Good.”
Godfrey watched him for a moment. “My lord, will you be… I imagine you will wish to speak with Lord Pemberton?”
“What?” Daniel shook himself into the moment. “Oh, yes…” His mind started to drift once more, a coldness rushing up his spine. But he pushed that down and straightened. “Yes, I will be down in a moment.”
Daniel had no urge to speak with Lord Pemberton.
Just as he had no urge to say goodbye to Lady Alison.
Some of it was shameful, because he did not relish the treatment that she was sure to give him when they finally spoke.
Much deserved, treatment, at that. But a large part of it was sorrow, because seeing her go was going to hurt more than Daniel liked to admit.
He had been wrong to kiss her last evening. Just as he had been wrong to pleasure her as he did.
Yes, he had fought against it the best he could. And yes, he had warned her of the consequences as if this was somehow her fault. But that did nothing to soften the guilt and the shame and hurt that roiled his insides like knives tearing at his innards.
To make matters worse, Daniel could still not say if he had done the right thing in abandoning her. He wanted to believe it. He needed it to be the case. But if it was, why did he feel so awful? Why did he despise himself so much?
I know the answer to that, just as I know that all of this is my fault. And that I hurt Lady Alison as I did… add that to the list of reasons that I do not deserve a happy ending.
At most, he contended that once she was gone from here, he would be able to forget her, as she would be able to forget him. It might not be a happy ending, but it was the best he could hope for.
So it was that he pushed himself up and strode from his office, bracing his conscience for a moment that was sure to be as difficult to get through as it was painful to bear.
Daniel arrived at the top of the stairwell to find the foyer in a state of chaos.
Lord Pemberton, his wife, and his children were already inside his home.
And they converged on Alison like hyenas over a rotting carcass.
To a casual observer, it might have looked like a family brimming with relief to find their daughter and sister alive and well.
But to Daniel, it looked like something entirely different.
Her mother held her and wept with joy.
Her two sisters hugged her while laughing with relief.
The brother, Felix, stood back with his arms folded as he watched, but he wore a smile that suggested he was glad to have found his half-sister safe and in one piece.
Even Lord Pemberton appeared relieved. He rested a hand on his wife’s back in comfort, and when he found Alison’s eyes, he offered her a conciliatory nod of respect.
It is all a lie. How can they behave this way when they were who left her in the first place? How can they pretend to care when we all know that they do not give a damn about her?
It made Daniel angrier than it should have done.
Just as it upset him because he could see through the cheer, and just how morose Alison appeared.
She might have been smiling. She might have been hugging her mother.
But he knew her well enough to sense the reservation, because she knew, as he did, how false it all was.
“Lord Grayhill!” Lord Pemberton spotted him standing at the top of the stairwell. “The man of the hour!”
The family broke apart suddenly, and they all turned to face him.
That was with the exception of Lady Alison.
She kept her back on him, head bowed, shoulders hunched as if in protection.
Daniel winced at the sight, confirming what he already knew but had prayed to not be the case: that she hated him for what he had done.
“I see you made it, despite the weather.” Daniel straightened himself and started down the stairs.
“Would that we could have come sooner,” Lord Pemberton said as he strode for the stairs. “The roads north are a wasteland the likes of which I have not seen in years.”
“Sounds treacherous.”
“Indeed. We wished to return as soon as we received Lady Alison’s letter, but it would have been impossible to do. We left the moment the weather allowed.”
“Perhaps not forgetting her in the first place would have saved you the headache.” Daniel had not meant to speak so harshly, but he could not help himself.
Lord Pemberton started at the words. “Yes… well… it was an unfortunate circumstance to be sure. Let us be glad that there was no harm done.”
Daniel had to stop himself from glaring.
No harm done? What of your daughter, whom you left behind? What of her self-esteem and self-worth? What of how she sees herself, confirmed rightly because why would she see herself any differently when her own family think so little of her?
“Indeed,” Daniel managed as he stepped onto the lower landing. “No harm done.”
He looked past the family, finding Lady Alison who still refused to look at him. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to tell her not to let Lord Pemberton’s words get to her. He wanted… so many things that he could not do.
“We cannot thank you enough.” The Baroness Pemberton hurried for him and, when she reached him, she took him by the arms and looked like she might weep. “Alison has told us little of what occurred, but I see that she has been well looked after. However can we thank you?”
“I assure you, no thanks is necessary.”
“Nonsense,” Lord Pemberton dismissed. “We are here now for the remainder of the Christmas period, and honor demands that we thank you properly.” He rubbed his chin in thought. “What say you visit our home tomorrow for some tea? So that we might thank you properly.”
“There is really no –”
“We insist,” he spoke over Daniel.
Again, Daniel looked for Lady Alison. And again, he noticed how she avoided him. Now that he was free of her, the smart thing to do would be to remove her from his mind completely.
But as he watched her, as he noticed the scorn emanating from her body, Daniel was not able to do as he should have. He had hurt her. He had shamed her. And he needed to make it right… or at the very least, confirm with himself that he had done nothing wrong.
“That sounds lovely,” Daniel said. He saw Lady Alison stiffen at his words, and he watched her closely, needing her to turn and look at him.
Which she did not do, of course.
There was little left to say after that. Lord Pemberton announced that he needed to get home to unwind after the trip, and he was quick then to shuffle his family from the foyer.
The three half-siblings of Lady Alison were the first to leave, followed then by the Baroness. Lord Pemberton went next, leaving behind just Lady Alison and Pickle. But that was only because Pickle whined and barked and tried to buck from her arms when it realized they were leaving.
Daniel stayed back and watched her. He did not know what he could possibly say. To explain what happened? To tell her it was not her fault? Nothing would make a difference, and it would only make things worse.
So, he said nothing.
She finally got Pickle under control and walked through the door without once looking at Daniel.
And there he stood as the door swung closed, alone, as he was so used to being.
Only, the manor felt emptier now than it had.
And that pit in his stomach continued to grow large so that it threatened to consume him.
With how rotten Daniel felt, he hoped that it would. Put him out of his damn misery once and for all.