Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
“Alison. What are you doing up here?” Alison’s mother strode into her bedroom without knocking. “Are you not ready? I told you an hour ago to make sure that you would be.”
Alison was sitting at the end of her bed, facing the window, locked in a thousand-yard-stare with the fields beyond the estate. They were covered in snow, sparse and open, and she imagined what it might be like was she to climb on a horse and simply ride without every looking back.
More than that, I wonder if anyone would even notice…
She was ready, knowing that she had little choice but to be, and to not have dressed herself in preparation for today would have only caused a fuss of that she was not at all in the mood for. But that did not mean that she had any desire to join her family.
“Alison?” her mother was on her, stepping in front to block her view. “Is something the matter? What has gotten into you?”
Alison blinked herself back into the moment and looked up at her mother. “Nothing is wrong, Mother. I am just… here.”
“I can see that,” her mother said. “But here is not where you are required to be. Lord Grayhill has just arrived and you are expected downstairs – how will it look if you do not join us? You are the very reason he is here in the first place.”
She shrugged. “I doubt anyone will notice.”
“I am sure Lord Grayhill will.”
“Him most of all…”
“Alison…” Her mother groaned as if in pain. “Is this because of what happened? How many times do I need to tell you how sorry we are?”
Once more would not hurt…
“It has nothing to do with that, Mother. I know you are sorry.” She did not know that, but Alison did not see the point in complaining.
She was well past that point by now. “And I do not blame you for what happened.” She did blame her, but again, she was well past the point where she thought to complain.
After a lifetime of being ignored and forgotten, what difference would it make now?
“Well? What is the matter?” her mother insisted. “Are you ill? Did Lord Grayhill…” She hesitated, almost sounding worried. “I thought he treated you well. Did he not care for you these past two weeks?”
“He did.”
“Then what is wrong? Alison…” Her mother dropped to one knee and took her by the hands.
When she did, she looked up at her oldest daughter, and the worry she felt was painted clearly on her face.
“If something happened, you know that you can tell me. You know that you can tell me anything. I am your mother.”
It was all Alison could do not to break right then and there and tell her mother exactly what she was thinking.
How could she call herself her mother when she had left her behind?
How could she call herself her mother when for twenty-two years, she had treated Alison as an after-thought?
How could she call herself her mother when she could not even see with her own eyes that her eldest daughter was heartbroken?
Is that not what mothers are meant for? Are they not supposed to be possessed with an inborn ability to sense the pain and suffering of their brood? Maybe they are… just not mine.
She did not say any of that, of course, because to do so would have been to reveal the real reason that Alison sat in a state of such utter heartbreak and morosity that she wondered if she would ever feel whole again.
Daniel had arrived at her home just now to drink tea with her and her family.
There, he was sure to be praised for his goodwill and kindness.
Lord Pemberton would not doubt ask him to recount these past two weeks.
And through it all, Alison would be forced to suffer through the lies and the pain and the knowing of what truly transpired, unable to say anything because she knew it would make no difference.
Daniel did not care for her as she did him.
And even if he did, he was not willing to admit it.
What they had shared burned bright and passionate for a time but had since withered and died so that it was no more.
And where once Alison might have fought for it, as that was her way, she knew Daniel well enough to know there was no point.
What she wanted was to forget about him once and for all. It was not the best outcome she could hope for, but it was all that there was.
“Nothing is wrong,” Alison sighed and then forced a smile. “I am just tired, is all. It has been a long two weeks. Sorry to have worried you, Mother.”
Her mother breathed a sigh of relief. “As it has been for all of us. But you are expected downstairs, Alison. You owe Lord Grayhill that much, at least.”
She winced. “Then downstairs I will be.”
With no choice, Alison took her mother by the hand and allowed herself to be led downstairs.
The sounds of chatter greeted her from the dining room, and she recognized Daniel’s voice immediately. That was like a knife driving through her chest, made more painful to bear when she stepped into the room and saw him for the first time.
He was sitting at the end of the table with Lord Pemberton.
Felix, Nerissa, and Winnie were there too, but she hardly paid them a glance.
Daniel wore a stern expression as he spoke with her stepfather, no sense that he was enjoying himself…
a sight she knew well, and one that almost brought a smile to her lips.
When she entered the room and he looked up to see her, their eyes met for half a second, and he turned away as if barely noticing her. She stumbled but did not fall. She stayed looking at him, not even certain that she wanted him to see her.
But he did see her… or he used to. Once, the way he looked at her suggested that she was the only person in the world. It had made her feel noticed like she had never felt. And while she hated him at that moment, she needed that like she did oxygen.
Sadly, Daniel seemed determined not to look at her.
This in turn had Alison taking a seat at the end of the table, as far from him as she could, back to being invisible as was her way, almost happy to be ignored because this was the last place she wanted to be.
“… and you are certain that you have never seen the two men before?” Lord Pemberton was asking Daniel.
“As I said, they were strangers to me. And based on what I told the mayor, he has not seen or heard of them either.”
“Very strange…”
They were speaking of the two burglars who had broken into the house. Alison paid it little attention, even if she wondered if it might be worth mentioning how the men had somehow known that the family would be away at this time. Almost as if they were told in advance.
“I can’t help but wonder why this estate,” Daniel pressed. “I only wished I had managed to get my hands on them.”
“They were probably little more than traveling rogues,” Felix spoke up, dismissing them with a wave of his hand. “Likely taking advantage of the fact that families are known to travel this time of year.”
“Perhaps,” Daniel said curiously.
“It is not worth pondering.” Felix shifted awkwardly and took a rather loud sip of his tea. “That you scared them off is all that matters, and I doubt they will return. There really is nothing else to say on the matter.”
“What of you, Lady Alison?” Lord Pemberton spoke down the table. Alison’s eyes widened and she felt her cheeks flush as all eyes turned to her… Daniel’s included. “Did you recognize the men?”
“No, Lord Pemberton.” She spoke into her chest, refusing to meet her stepfather’s or Daniel’s eyes. “I did not.”
“And why would she?” Felix added, almost sounding angry. “They are likely a hundred miles away by now. Someone else’s problem to deal with.”
Alison frowned at her stepbrother, noting the sharpness of his tone, just as she did the way he took another loud sip of tea while eyeing her with warning. It was almost as if he was upset with her, which was absurd as she had nothing to do with it.
“Yes, you are likely correct,” Lord Pemberton sighed. “Let us just be glad that you were here to foil them. And to rescue Lady Alison, as you told it. Again, we are forever in your debt.”
Daniel cleared his throat. “Think nothing of it.”
Alison made sure to keep her eyes on the table, wanting nothing to do with this conversation. She could feel Daniel glancing at her every few seconds, and how she wanted to look up and scowl at him… or perhaps to look pleadingly upon him because she wanted to know how he could be so cruel.
I wish I knew what I wanted. I want to hate him. I want to be done with him. But it is not nearly that easy, and I fear that things will become harder before they get easier…
For a time after that, conversation turned to small talk. Lord Pemberton asked Daniel how the past two weeks were spent, and Daniel responded with short answers that suggested little was done and that he and Alison had spent hardly any time together.
That hurt to hear. Was he saying such things because he did not wish to revisit the past? Or did he truly think so little of their time spent together? If only she knew.
“I will just be glad when this season is over,” Lord Pemberton sighed as if the weight of the world sat upon his shoulders.
“The stress of it all…” A shake of the head.
“Not that you have much to concern yourself with,” he chuckled.
“No doubt, life is peaceful now that you have the estate all to yourself.”
Alison’s body went rigid, and she could feel the coldness drifting from Daniel. A quick glance and it was confirmed by how steely his expression became.
“It is indeed,” Daniel said without elaboration.
“It won’t be that way forever,” Lord Pemberton chortled. He had a saucer of tea in front of him, and a plate of sweetmeats, and he took a sip and had a nibble. “What of your future? A man your age, do I see a wedding not too far away?”
“Wilson,” Alison’s mother scolded. “That is hardly our business.”
“It is a fair question,” he argued. “I meant nothing by it.”
“Oh, do tell us.” Nerissa sat forward, her elbows on the table, holding Daniel in a dreamy gaze. “Are you… searching for a wife?”
Felix snorted. “Careful, Lord Grayhill, do not give this one even an inch. She will ask for a mile and use it to tie you down.”
Nerissa’s eyes widened and her cheeks flushed bright pink. She dropped her elbows, glared ruefully at Felix, and then shrank back into her seat.
“Enough of that,” Lord Pemberton snapped at his children. “Sorry about them, Lord Grayhill. As I said, it has been a long two weeks.”
Daniel said nothing at first.
But Alison could feel him watching her again. She sat with her head bowed, refusing to meet his gaze. Yet his stare burned through her so it was all she could do not to look up.
“I am sorry to disappoint, but as things stand, I have no intention of marrying.” He spoke slowly and carefully, words that felt as if they were directed right at her.
“In fact, now feels as good a time as any to say it…” Another painstakingly long pause and Alison’s heart thumped loudly.
“But come Christmas morning, you will no longer have to concern yourself with my dreary presence every time you look out your window.”
“What does that mean?” Lord Pemberton asked.
“It means that…” He sighed and out of the corner of her eye, Alison saw his body slinking down in the chair. “For some time now, I have been planning on moving to the Americas on business. Business which I suspect will keep me there indefinitely.”
Alison’s eyes widened and before she could help herself, she snapped her head up and found Daniel staring right at her.
His expression was sullen. It was evident that he was filled with remorse, as if he wanted her to see the apology in his eyes. He did not look away. He did not speak. He simply looked right at her, and she could feel that silent apology as if he was screaming it across the table.
She stared at him… her family faded into darkness…
the room vanished so that it was just she and Daniel…
he was so close to her, but there was a distance between them as vast as an ocean and just as unassailable.
Her brow furrowed with a question, her mouth half-opened to ask it.
But she did not know what to say. She hardly knew how to feel.
He's leaving? And so soon? Why did he not tell me? Why did he not think to let me know, considering everything that we…
Alison felt sickness creeping up inside of her and she tore her eyes free, unable to look at Daniel for even a second longer. The world crumbled around her, burying her where she sat. And worst of all, nobody took notice. Nobody cared.
“Truly?” Lord Pemberton asked curiously. “The Americas?”
“How fascinating,” Felix added. “I have always wanted to go.”
“I can’t believe you are leaving,” Nerissa pouted. “And so soon.”
Felix scoffed. “As if it will affect you.”
“Quiet!” she snapped at him.
“It is not something I want to do.” Daniel spoke, and Alison knew the words were for her. The only thing was, she did not care to hear them. Not anymore. “It is something I must do. Believe me when I say that it is for the best.”
Alison said not another word for the rest of Daniel’s visit. She did not look at him. She did not acknowledge that he was there.
He was leaving her…. Which she supposed made no difference. Had he not left her just last night? Had that not been all she needed to know that he did not love her as she loved him? So, what difference did it make if he was half a mile away or one thousand?
At the end of the day, Alison was alone, and that was all that mattered.