Chapter 17
The funeral had been strangely cathartic, especially given that Felix had been to more funerals for people who had lost their battles with addiction than he wanted to recall.
Often there was a tendency to whitewash over the truth and talk about the person as though they’d been some kind of saint.
Ashleigh and her parents didn’t do that.
There was no sugar coating the reality of all the things that Meredith had been, and the eulogy Ashleigh delivered had said it all.
‘What can I say about my big sister?’ She’d turned and put a hand on the coffin, taking a steadying breath before looking out at the congregation in front of her again.
‘Merri was everything. She could be the best company in the world, or the hardest person to be around.
She was joy and laughter, and pain and sorrow.
Ever since we were kids, she had her own way of seeing the world and reacting to the things around her.
‘She loved being the centre of attention, and she thrived when the spotlight was on her.
She could dance and sing anyone else off the stage, and drink anyone else under the table.
She was my biggest champion and my most loyal supporter, but she was also my harshest critic.
Merri was by my side when I married my beautiful wife, Alicia, and I think the ears of the man standing outside city hall when we were having our photo taken – who made the mistake of saying it was an abomination that two women had got married – are probably still ringing!
‘She’d fight for me to the death, but she’d probably fight with me to the death too.
Never more so than when I tried to intervene and persuade her to change the lifestyle we could all see was killing her.
She was a mass of contradictions and I’m mad as hell at her for checking out before she got to meet these two. ’
Ashleigh had paused for a moment, then, running a hand over her very pregnant belly.
There were still three months to go until she’d be full term with the twins, but she already looked nine months pregnant.
When Felix had met Meredith, she’d told him that one of her biggest motivations for ‘getting clean’ first time around was because she wanted a family.
She was never going to have that now, or see her beloved younger sister become a mum and, in that moment, Felix was certain he’d been able to feel his heart physically contract.
It was such a futile loss and he just couldn’t shake off the sensation that he might have been able to do something to change it. But Ashleigh hadn’t finished yet.
‘We all tried so hard to turn things around for Merri. I can’t count the number of times Mom and Dad went to her aid, or I drove to some terrifying location in the early hours of the morning to pick her up from a bar she’d been thrown out of, or sent her money because she’d got herself in trouble for not paying a dealer.
Then she surprised us all by getting herself clean. ’
Ashleigh had paused again then and turned towards Felix.
‘She even trained as a therapist and started working as a peer counsellor for the clinic that had spent years trying to help her. She met the most amazing man. It was what we’d prayed for and we couldn’t have asked for anyone better than Felix and neither could she, but it still wasn’t enough.
He tried to help her every bit as much as the rest of the family did, but Merri had demons that none of us could defeat.
In the end they lured her back to the life we hoped with all our hearts she’d left behind.
‘We couldn’t reach her after that. She stole from us and abused us, and rejected our offers of help, time and time again.
We had to step back and hope to God she’d find the will to come back to us and ask for the help that would have been hers the moment she was ready to accept it, but it never happened.
Sometimes Merri was incredibly difficult to love, but none of us ever stopped, and the only comfort I have is that I’m sure she always knew that.
If Merri touched your life, and I’m sure if you’re here today that she did, try to hold onto that and the good memories you have of her.
Remember her at her best, not her worst, and please try not to question if there was anything you could have done, because believe me we tried everything.
Merri wouldn’t want anyone to blame themselves, at least not the Merri she was when her demons were at bay.
She’d want us all to live our lives to the fullest, the way she never quite could. ’
Turning towards the coffin one final time, Ashleigh had laid her hand upon the lid again, her final words choking in her throat. ‘Love you, sis, fly high and free at last.’
Nothing anyone else said could top that and it had taken until the end of the service for Felix to be able to swallow down his emotions enough to be able to speak.
* * *
Now that he was at the wake, both Ashleigh and her parents had thanked him for all that he’d done to try and help Meredith. When he attempted to object and tell them he wished he could have done more, her father, Don, held up his hand.
‘No, you couldn’t. We all wanted to find the thing that could have prevented this outcome, but I think it was somehow written in her DNA from the start.
This was always going to happen, no matter what we did.
Beating ourselves up about it won’t change that.
The only comfort we can take is knowing that Merri’s battle is over at last. She was exhausted from fighting for so long, but now she’s finally at peace. ’
Felix nodded. ‘I thought the same thing. She tried so hard for so long.’
‘She did.’ Don’s eyed filled with tears.
‘I couldn’t imagine ever wanting her to give in and just let go, but her torture is over and, in some ways, so is ours, because we know where she is now and that no one is hurting her.
I try to take some comfort from that, even though in another way the torture is just beginning.
The chances are we’ve got decades ahead without our baby girl, and Ashleigh has to face the rest of her life without the big sister who was by her side from day one.
I’m just so grateful we’ve got Ash and Alicia, and that the babies will be here soon.
If we hadn’t had them, I think I’d have lost it completely, and I’m not sure I could have found the strength to carry on. ’
‘I know for sure I couldn’t.’ Ashleigh’s mum, Deanna, dropped her head onto her other daughter’s shoulder as she spoke, snaking a hand around her waist, and despite their obvious pain, the heaviness in Felix’s heart lifted a little.
When families suffered a loss like this it could widen the chasms that already existed, or it could bond those left behind all the more tightly.
It was clear which way it was going to go for Meredith’s family and that was something else to be thankful for.
For the next twenty minutes, Felix stayed talking to them and remembering the good memories he had of Meredith before they shared another round of hugs, more tears, and promises to stay in touch.
‘I’d love you to come and meet the twins when they arrive,’ Ashleigh said, after she’d hugged him.
‘But I only want you to do that when you’ve moved on with your life.
If I think you’re still holding on to any negative thoughts, because you’re labouring under the misapprehension that you could have done more for Merri, I’m going to kick your ass so hard you won’t be able to sit down for a month. ’
‘Is this an insight into your parenting style?’ Felix laughed and she grinned in response.
‘I’ve got twins coming, so I’ll be doing whatever it takes!’ They hugged again then and she held him so tightly for a moment that it was a struggle to breathe, but it felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders, when she whispered one last bit of advice to him.
‘Grab all the life you can, Felix. We’ve got to live ours twice as big now, and twice as hard, for Merri. We’ve got to take the second chance she turned her back on.’
‘I will.’ Even as he said the words, he hadn’t been able to stop himself thinking about Eve.
And when a text came through from her, as he walked back towards his hire car, Ashleigh’s words were still fresh in his mind.
Eve’s message asked if he’d mind Max’s sister and her boyfriend joining them for dinner, and he didn’t hesitate to reply, telling her that he’d love to meet them.
He knew Eve could never let go of the life she’d shared with Max and he didn’t want her to.
All he wanted was the chance to be part of it and he hoped tonight might be the start of that.
The kind of connection he felt with Eve didn’t just come along all the time and he wasn’t going to walk away from the opportunity to discover where this could go, otherwise, he’d already be breaking the promise he’d only just made to Ashleigh.
* * *