Chapter 19
Sebastian
I ran from the dining room, my still queasy stomach now tied into knots of worry as I looked for signs of Gus.
I couldn’t have been gone for more than an hour, or at least I thought so.
Had he gone looking for me, or had my advisors sent him away so suddenly and efficiently?
Who was I kidding?! Deep down, I knew the answer.
They’d likely had a plan since my heat ended, just waiting for the right moment to take Gus away from me.
My chambers were empty too, not a single sign of Gus.
His room was further down the hall, and I hurried into it, not even knocking in my haste.
It looked as it usually did. The servants hadn’t tidied it up or anything.
That was at least a small beacon of hope as I ran toward my study.
However, I didn’t even make it there before Elias came running around the corner, tears in his eyes.
As soon as he saw me, his face filled with regret.
I knew then that Gus truly was gone.
I fell to my knees before Elias had even reached me, my body giving up all hope. My heart was breaking, and I’d never experienced anything this painful in my life. For the first time, I knew what true loss felt like.
Comforting arms engulfed me, and I sobbed quietly against Elias’ chest, his familiar scent soothing me as I slowly realized I’d lost the love of my life and there was nothing I could do to get him back.
“I’m so sorry,” Elias whispered. “I tried to stop them. I really did.”
I couldn’t speak. My feelings were too raw to form words, so I just nodded my reply.
I knew Elias would’ve fought. I also knew my advisors were so conceited that they never listened to anyone else.
They had to listen to me, though, but I couldn’t demand Gus back.
I couldn’t admit that I had fallen for an alpha.
Things hadn’t changed in my world; it was only me who’d changed.
“Let’s go to your chambers,” he urged, helping me stand. Numbly, I followed Elias’ lead down the hallway, clinging to his arm as I felt the last remnants of joy and happiness escape me. The ability to feel happy, to feel… good, had vanished with Gus. I was all but an empty shell of a person now.
“Your Majesty,” Clive’s voice pierced through the fog, and I saw red.
“How dare you!” I seethed. “I am the king! How dare you meddle with my business!”
“But, Your Majesty,” Jerold pleaded. “His duty here was done.”
“And congratulations are in order, Your Majesty!” Nicholai declared cheerfully.
I ignored Nicholai and his weak attempt to ignore my orders. “I am the one who decides when the royal breeder’s job is done. Not you! How dare you go behind my back while I was sick on the bathroom floor?! How dare you think so little of me that I wouldn’t want to see him off myself!”
“But… Your Majesty, he’s but a lowly farmer. An alpha. What does it matter to you what happens to him?” Brennan’s confused tone only made me boil with more anger.
“He is a human being!” I snapped. “He deserved to be thanked properly by me, the king, before he was sent back home!”
“We did it to protect you, Your Majesty,” Clive lied easily. “Alphas are known to be protective of their young.”
“Exactly, Your Majesty,” Jerold nodded. “We must protect you at all costs.”
I stared each of them down. “You failed to act according to your status, blindsiding me, and making me look like an inconsiderate king. I’ve always prided myself on being just and reasonable.
You no longer have the right to fire or banish anyone from my palace.
And,” I paused for effect, seeing all their mouths open and ready to protest. “You’re all stripped of your duties for one week because of this little incident. ”
“But, Your Majesty,” Clive pleaded.
“I will hear nothing further from the four of you. If I even see you this next week, I will only prolong your leave of absence.”
Elias, who had been my pillar of support during this heated exchange, slowly tugged on my sleeve, urging me to come with him. I followed, now drained of energy as I left my disobedient and incompetent advisors in the hallway.
Suddenly, I found myself sitting on my bed, my door locked behind Elias as he approached me with concerned eyes. “They threatened to take Garreth from me,” he whispered, now kneeling in front of me.
“Who?” I asked numbly.
Elias chuckled, but it sounded pained as he started crying again. “Everian’s alpha father.”
I really should learn all the guards’ names, but before Gus… I never thought of an alpha’s name as important.
“He’s not going anywhere,” I vowed. Just because I couldn’t be with my alpha didn’t mean Elias had to suffer the same fate.
“Do you mean that?”
I nodded. “They had the power to take Gus away because of my safety. They have no power to remove a guard that I want to keep.”
Elias stared solemnly at the floor as he muttered, “Gus was so calm when they took him away. So… dignified somehow.”
My heart ached all over again as I pictured Gus’ gentle eyes as he accepted his fate. He wanted to be here. He loved me. I was sure of it. Yet, he kept his anger down and proved once again just how perfect a man he was.
“He told me to take care of you,” Elias continued, and that broke me. A cry of anguish tore through me as I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces, each shard piercing through every single nerve in my body.
“I need him back, Elias,” I croaked, my throat hoarse from yelling and crying.
“You can’t, not yet. Right now, you need to stay strong for your baby. That’s what Gus would want.”
He was right, but it still felt wrong to just go about my life like my heart wasn’t missing, because it was. Gus had taken my heart with him, and I didn’t even know where he lived.
“Can you hold me for a bit?” I pleaded, needing my best friend’s touch.
“Always.”
A month had passed, but the pain was still there.
I doubted it would ever go away. I didn’t want it to go away.
The pain was my one proof that Gus truly did exist, and that what we’d shared had been real.
His mark on my butt was my visual of his touch, of his claim on me.
My growing belly was another sign that our love was true and not a figment of my imagination.
Elias and Briar had been my unwavering support these past few weeks, always there to offer me encouragement and help my mind focus on other things than Gus.
Not that I didn’t think of Gus all day, every day, he was like a limb I was now missing and had to learn to live without.
I just didn’t want to. I wanted him back.
I wanted his kind eyes on me as we ate in companionable silence, wanted his quick smiles, and easy affection.
I searched the row of books on one of the many shelves in the library, still not finding what I was looking for.
Elias had suggested I should read a book about pregnancy to be prepared for the next stages before I had to give birth, so here I was, looking through the many books we had stored.
Many of them were several decades old and dusty.
A navy-blue cover caught my attention, so I grabbed it and looked at the front.
It was one about different plants and what to use in tonics and so on.
I placed the book back on the shelf and noticed one with the word omega on it. It was higher up on the bookshelf, and I had to stand on my tippy toes to wiggle it free. As I caught it, two other books came tumbling down, one in a soft leather binding and one in a hard cover.
Placing the Omega’s Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth down on the armchair next to the bookshelf, I carefully bent down to pick up the two books from the floor.
One was an old book about birds, and the other didn’t have any title on the front.
Curiosity took over, and I held the soft leatherbound one close to my chest as I grabbed the pregnancy book for later.
With the books in hand, I walked back to my chambers, wanting to read them in peace.
Last week, Clive had insisted I eat more eggs for protein, so I snapped at him and ordered my advisors to stay away from my wing in the palace, which naturally meant I rarely left said wing.
I hated my advisors for sending Gus away, and each time I had to look at their conceited faces, I wanted to throw my herbal tea at them.
If they wished to continue working for me, they would heed my warning and stay out of my way.
I undressed for the night and grabbed my sleeping robe. I could no longer sleep in pants, my belly too big, so a robe was all I slept in now. The sheets were cool as I lay back and grabbed the leather book.
The first page was handwritten, and a quick sweep through the rest proved that the book was a journal of a sort. That only made me even more curious. I returned to the front page and found my father’s name in the upper right corner, and a date.
Was this my father’s journal? A pang of loss hit me.
My omega father had travelled overseas and never returned.
We still had no idea what fate my father had suffered, but I knew now, as an expectant father, that he would’ve returned home to me if he could have.
I was now more certain than ever that he’d died.
I was eighteen when my father left, and on top of losing my grandfather the year before, it had only meant more heartache for young me.
I’d missed my father a lot over the years, wishing I had someone to help guide me to be the best king I could be.
Maybe this journal would provide me with some much-needed guidance.
I turned the page and found neatly written passages as I got ready to know my father better.
October 22nd
Father had me practice my magic once again.
I dreaded every second of it, but he insisted that I learn.
I am to be king soon. That’s all he ever keeps repeating.
The magic is important for the safety of all omegas, yet each time I fail him.
“Keep picturing your anger over the alphas and what they’re capable of!
” was what he kept saying, but how can I be angry at alphas I’ve never even met?
“The safety and life of all omegas and future generations depend on you!” he yelled at me.
“If you fail, it will be the demise of our kingdom.”
Another passage was written in what appeared to be either anger or haste.
November 1st
Father has ordered me to spend my next heat with a breeder.
It’s time for me to produce an heir, he keeps telling me.
The safety of all omegas lies within our bloodline.
I am only twenty-five! How am I supposed to care for a baby?
Never mind the fact that Father is choosing my breeder.
How embarrassing is that?! The man who will breed me will be the one my father picks to lie with his son.
I cannot believe this is my life, and how little say I have in these matters.
I only beg the gods that my breeder will be agreeable. Not like the brutes who helped me during my previous heats, but someone I at least connect with a little.
I closed the book, suddenly feeling nauseous.
I had no idea that this was what my father had gone through with my grandfather.
I knew he’d struggled with his magic, and that once my grandfather had died, he’d somehow managed to make it work anyway.
I had no idea if how I used my magic was even correct, but considering that the alphas were kept under control under my rule, I gathered I must be doing something right.
Perhaps I instinctively knew how to do it correctly.
I put the journal away for now, knowing that if I continued, I wouldn’t get any sleep, and I really needed my sleep now that I was pregnant.
A wistfulness spread through my body as I closed my eyes.
There was my alpha, smiling widely at me as he held his hand out, ready for us to share another dream together in a place where no one could ever tear us apart.
A place where our love was not wrong but as right as I felt it in my heart.
“Gus,” I whispered before I drifted off to sleep. “My Gus.”