Chapter 10
Noah and I arrived at the gym that he said he and his cousin owned, and I was a nervous wreck. I sat in the passenger seat, twisting my wedding band and trying not to think about going inside. I agreed to attend the fight, but the closer we got, the more nervous I became. I was afraid of what watching a boxing match might do to me. I'd always loved boxing. However, knowing that it was the thing responsible for me not remembering my family made me not like it anymore.
"You good?" Noah asked when he shut the car off.
I twisted my ring again and looked in his direction. "I'm a little nervous."
At first, I wasn't going to tell him how I felt, but when I talked to my sister earlier, she told me to be honest about my feelings.
While Noah dropped Nia off at my parents' house, I called Carlie to catch up and so she could help me navigate my feelings. She assured me that I would be okay as long as I talked to Noah. I knew he wouldn't try to force me if I told him I didn't want to go.
I almost told him I wanted to stay home with him and Nia and watch movies, but everyone thought it would be a good idea for me to go. Still, I already missed Nia and couldn't wait until she came home, but I knew Noah and I needed more time to bond alone.
"Do you not want to go inside?"
I chewed my bottom lip and thought about it for a second.
"I do. I'll be okay." I plastered on a smile. "Let's go."
Noah's eyes roamed over my face, searching for any hesitation.
"You sure?"
"Yes, Noah."
He smiled at me and took off his seat belt. I wasn't completely sure, but I could tell Noah looked forward to the evening. Plus, he told me we would see his cousin Evander, and I hadn't seen him since high school. At least, that was the last time I remembered seeing him.
"Okay." He exited the car, then came around and opened the door for me.
I unfastened my seat belt and put my hand in his when he stretched it toward me.
We walked inside the gym hand in hand. The place was packed, and music played loudly over the speakers. I was partially excited but also nervous about how the night would go. Multiple people stopped us as we made our way to our seats. I had no clue who they were, but they all seemed to know me. Nobody made a big deal out of me not remembering them. They just said they'd continue praying for me and went on their way. I was thankful for that because I didn't want to force my brain to remember anyone.
"Hey, I'm glad you two could make it."
"Oh, wow. Evander, you grew up." I laughed when Evander hugged me before hugging Noah.
"Yeah. You look good, Carsyn. How are you feeling?"
"I feel good," I replied, glancing around the gym. "I'm a little nervous too. It looks good in here." I looked around again.
"Thanks. Noah helped out a lot," Evander stated as he looked at Noah. The two of them slapped hands, and I smiled.
"I have to go. The fight will be starting soon. It was good seeing you, Carsyn, and I hope you come back soon."
Evander hugged us again before he walked off. Noah and I continued to our seats, which were apparently ringside.
"Are you good?" Noah asked again when we got to our seats.
It felt like he'd asked me a hundred times since we left the house, but it probably was only three or four. Still, I understood why he asked, so I didn't say anything.
"I'm good." I leaned over and kissed his cheek. "I'll let you know if I'm not."
"Make sure you do."
The music cut off, and some guy stepped into the middle of the ring. He told us the fight was getting ready to start before he introduced both fighters. It was two guys I had never heard of, but Noah had told me they were new fighters. They had fought locally before, but this was the first big fight for both.
I twisted my ring as I watched both guys enter the ring.
The bell rang, and they met in the middle of the ring. For minutes, or maybe seconds, they circled each other until one of them swung. His punch connected, then the other dude swung back. The crowd, including Noah, was all into the match, but I wasn't. The more it went on, the more uncomfortable I got. I didn't like the way I felt because this was my first love, or it used to be, at least, outside of Noah and Nia.
I wasn't sure if it was the punch to the head or the punch to the ribs, but at some point, one of the guys got hit in both areas, and tears streamed down my face. For a minute, I tried to wipe my tears away so I didn't alarm Noah.
Noah was on his feet, clapping and shouting, so it took him a moment to realize I was crying. He looked back, and as soon as he saw my face, he grabbed my hand and led me out of the gym. We stopped in the middle of the sidewalk as soon as we got outside.
"Talk to me. What's going on? Why are you crying?" Noah stood in front of me, wiping my face with his hands.
I inhaled because it felt like I couldn't breathe. Noah's face was so full of concern. He continued wiping my face as the tears continued to fall.
"I… I just got so scared when he got punched in the head. I know the same thing happened to me, and now I can't remember shit, and I don't know what I'm going to do with my life anymore, and I just?—"
"Hey, hey," Noah said, cutting me off. "Take a deep breath for me."
I watched Noah's lips as he inhaled then exhaled. When he did it the second time, I repeated his actions. It took a few deep breaths before I was finally calm.
"I don't want you to worry about anything but getting back to yourself right now. Even if you don't remember everything, that's okay. I just want you to be happy. We will figure everything else out as it comes. Let's go somewhere." He wiped my face one more time, then grabbed my hand.
We quietly walked back to the car.
"I'm going to shoot Evander a text so he knows we left," Noah informed me as he opened the car door for me.
"Okay." I got in the car and rested my head against the headrest.
I watched Noah as he texted and walked around the other side of the car.
"Relax, baby. I'm going to drive somewhere, and we can talk when we get there. I just need you to rest a little before you end up with a headache. Can you do that for me?"
"Yes." I did what he said and closed my eyes. I felt bad that I ruined the night.
I wasn't sure how much time had passed, but Noah and I were parked near the lake by the time I woke up.
"Are you up for a little walk?" Noah asked as he shut the car off.
"Yes, that's fine."
It was a good thing I had on comfortable shoes because the first ones I was going to put on wouldn't have been good for walking. There was a slight breeze, but not enough for me to get cold. Near the water, it was always colder, anyway. Noah and I exited the car and walked a few feet to the pathway near the lake. There weren't many people out, which was good.
"Hey, aren't you The Handler?" some random guy asked as we walked.
I looked at him strangely because I had never seen him before. I only knew the name he referred to me as because Noah and my sister told me that was the name people called me when I fought.
"Uh, yeah," I responded.
"Is it possible to get an autograph?" His eyes lit up as he pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket.
Noah stepped in front of me and kinda pushed me back a little. "Nah, it's not a good time."
The man's chest deflated. "You're right. My bad. It's good to see you out and about."
I stepped around Noah and put my hand on his chest. He looked down at my hand, then into my eyes.
"It's okay, Noah. I can give him an autograph.” He studied my face but then stepped back.
"Hi. Do you have a pen?" I asked the guy.
I never wanted to be rude to people, and this guy seemed to be excited that he saw me. The least I could do was give him an autograph. I just hoped nobody else spotted us and bothered me. The fight had already overwhelmed me.
The guy reached into his pocket and handed me the pen and paper. While I signed, he told me how his daughter was interested in boxing because of me. I almost told him to tell her to do something else, but I held my tongue. That wasn't my place, and my experience wasn't everyone else's.
After a quick picture, the guy left us alone. Noah and I continued to walk until we found a bench to sit on. Luckily, nobody else stopped us.
"Do you want to talk about what happened at the gym?" Noah asked after a few silent seconds had passed.
I could feel Noah looking at me, but I kept my eyes on the water.
"I'm not sure exactly what triggered it, but once I saw that guy get hit in the head, then his side, something hit me. It was like that night all over again. I think I vaguely remembered it."
"That's good!" Noah sounded excited. "Not good as in the fight, but good you remembered something, even if it was a small part."
"Yeah, you are probably right. I realized I don't want to fight again, but I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so afraid to step into a ring again, and it bothered me when that man said his daughter wants to fight." The tears resurfaced, thinking about my future, but it didn't send me into a panic like it did at the gym.
Noah grabbed my hand and dipped his finger under my chin with the other hand. I looked into his eyes as more tears fell from mine.
"Like I told you back at the gym, you don't have to worry about that right now. If you never want to fight again, you don't have to. Everything you choose to do from here on out is all up to you. As long as you know that you don't have to go through any of it alone. I have your back one thousand percent. Nobody is making you do anything right now or ever. We all just want you to get acclimated to life as we now know it. I do have a suggestion for you, though."
"What's that?"
"I think you should go to therapy."
There were a lot of emotions I had been feeling since I left the hospital, and I didn't always know how to express them. Plus, I didn't want to dump all of those feelings onto Noah. I already noticed how this all seemed to bother him, even though he tried to hide it. I knew a therapist couldn't help me get my memory back, but I was sure she could help me figure out how to cope with my feelings.
"I think you should go too," I countered. Noah started to say something, but I stopped him. "Before you say no, I know you try to hide your feelings from me sometimes. I know none of this is easy for you, even though so far, things have been going well."
Noah's dark eyes roamed my face. I could tell he wanted to say no, but I knew he wouldn't. In just this short amount of time, Noah had shown that he would do what he could to make me happy.
"As long as you go, I'll go," he finally agreed after a few minutes had passed.
I stuck my other hand out toward him. It wasn't the right way to shake hands, but that didn't matter. Noah placed his hand in mine, and we shook hands.
"Deal," I confirmed before focusing back on the water. "It's all going to work out for us. Our connection is too strong for it not to. From the moment I woke up in that hospital room, I felt a strong pull to you. I knew it was more than a schoolgirl crush. Regardless of whether my brain remembers you, I know my heart does."
Noah lifted our joined hands and kissed the back of mine.
"It's because we are soulmates, and we connected on so many levels." He kissed my hand again. "It's getting late. Let's get you home." He stood from the bench before helping me up.
When I was on my feet, Noah stood in front of me and wrapped his arms around my waist. He gazed down into my eyes. I could see the love he had for me in them, but I also saw something else. I wasn't sure if it was uncertainty or what, but I knew it was something. Hopefully, therapy would help him sort out his feelings as well. Whatever it was, we would get through it.