Chapter 16
Darcy left his bed at dawn. Eagerness, combined with worry, had made the night dreadful. He could do little but hope that his endeavour would improve the day.
At the stables, the servants jumped to their feet when they saw him.
He dismissed them and prepared the stallion himself.
It was still early, and he needed something to do.
The previous day, Elizabeth had mentioned that she often walked in the morning, and he hoped he would be lucky enough to find her.
The weather appeared fine. It was rather cold, frost covered the ground, and the leaves were tattered by late autumn winds.
He rode at a steady pace, noticing every detail around him. His mind was surprisingly alert after a complete lack of sleep the previous night —and several others before.
The rhythm of his heart suddenly changed; he sensed Elizabeth before he actually saw her.
She apparently recognised him too, and she stopped as he dismounted and bowed to her.
Her eyes betrayed surprise and also a trace of distress.
Her cheeks were crimson, and a few locks of hair had escaped her bonnet.
“Mr. Darcy! You are truly a startling presence here at such an early hour. Are you alone? I hope all is well at Netherfield.”
“Good morning, Miss Bennet. Yes, everything is perfectly fine; the family is still sleeping. May I walk with you a while?”
“Of course,” Elizabeth answered, not at all composed. She recollected the strange days at Rosings when he would suddenly appear in her path and keep her company in an awkward silence.
Now, however, he seemed decided to speak.
“And at Longbourn? Is everything well, I hope?”
“Yes —well and agitated,” she said with a laugh.
“You can imagine that, with two days until the wedding, none of us is tranquil. Except for Papa, who mostly stays in the library. And Jane; as always, she behaves more reasonably than any of us, although I know very well that her heart is not at ease. My aunt Mrs. Philips asked Jane why she is so indifferent. Of course, she is not —quite the contrary. But she has an apparent serenity that often makes people overlook her true feelings.”
Her uneasiness made Elizabeth even more voluble than usual, and only when she finished her explanation did she realize she might have said something unwise. He immediately noticed her words.
“Yes, I remember. That is one of the mistakes for which I will never forgive myself. I hastily presumed that Miss Bennet had no true affection for my friend, and I did not hesitate to tell him as much.”
“Sir, I honestly did not intend to bring up painful memories. Let us be thankful for the way things turned out and forget the difficulties on the road to happiness. Your present behaviour clearly shows your affection for Mr. Bingley, and a mistake made with the purpose of helping your friend, even starting from a wrong premise, is easier to forgive.”
“You are too generous…”
“Not at all, as you well know. But Jane and Mr. Bingley are, and their present felicity spreads joy all around them.”
“Indeed, we all have felt the positive influence of their presence. I wonder whether you and Miss Bennet know that Bingley’s departure last autumn was my fault.
I was the one who insisted on convincing him of Miss Bennet’s indifference.
The worst of it is that, because of my arrogance, I was certain it was the correct assumption. ”
Both looked straight ahead.
“I imagined as much…and…I remember reading a few lines in your letter. It was the beginning that made me so angry…”
She felt his burning gaze on her face.
“This is the first time I am pleased you did not read further. Indeed, in my conceit, I did not hesitate to confess my entire involvement. The revelation of the truth might have been honourable, but the tone was pretentious.”
“I cannot be pleased, regardless. I have blamed myself every day for my thoughtless reaction, and I will continue to do so,” she admitted.
Both their voices trembled now, and she wondered with fear how they had come to such dreadful memories. She decided to put an end to a subject that was too agonising for both.
“You should know that Mr. Bingley confessed to Jane and me the true circumstances of his return. He told us that he left Netherfield not because he did not love Jane but because he feared she did not return his affection. Then he related his conversation with Lady Hardwick and her advice that convinced him to pursue his desires.”
“Bingley is a better friend than I deserve.”
Elizabeth stole a glance at his preoccupied countenance, and for an instant, their eyes met.
“I shall not even deny that as Jane is a much better sister than I deserve.” She tried to sound half in jest and then continued in a lighter tone.
“Sir, we are grateful for your and Lady Hardwick’s presence at the wedding. All of Meryton knows of Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst’s disapproval of this marriage. Your attendance will be immense compensation for their rudeness and a sign that Jane is welcome among her husband’s illustrious friends.”
He turned to her in surprise.
“I admit I did not think of that when I decided to come. I only considered my happiness in standing by my friend on this important day in his life. But I am content to be of help to Miss Bennet, although I doubt she needs it.”
He paused, and again Elizabeth glanced at him, surprised to notice his lips lifted into a smile. He spoke again with a trace of laughter in his voice.
“Yesterday, Miss Bingley made some rude remarks regarding the upcoming wedding that angered my aunt. Lady Hardwick answered that a few years ago someone with a fortune made in trade would not have been admitted to Pemberley and never could have hoped to marry the daughter of a gentleman. Bingley eagerly agreed, but you may well imagine the reaction of Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst.”
Elizabeth was motionless in disbelief then started to laugh behind her hand.
“Oh, dear Lord! I am so sorry I was not there to witness it. But I can picture it in my mind, and I will remember it every time their behaviour bothers me. Thank you for telling me, sir.”
“You are welcome,” he answered.
A few moments of silence followed, then he suddenly stopped, and Elizabeth did the same.
Her uneasiness at being alone in his presence was not gone, but it was calmed by a sense of happiness that warmed her inside.
She admitted that she enjoyed being with him and talking to him on such friendly terms, and she searched for another topic, wondering how long he would remain in her company.
However, he was the first to speak again.
“Miss Bennet, I confess I came out early with the hope of finding you and having a few minutes of private talk on a delicate subject.”
His statement took Elizabeth by surprise, and her uneasiness turned to distress.
“Yes, of course…I hope there is nothing grave, sir. I am a bit worried now,” she attempted to joke.
“It is a matter of great importance for my sister and even for me. I know I must speak to your father to obtain his approval, but I wanted to know your opinion before going any further.”
Elizabeth’s heart seemed to stop beating, and her knees became unsteady; her mind could form no reply.
They were having such a lovely walk and a pleasant, honest conversation —even shared painful memories and clarified their misunderstandings. And now —what could he possibly mean? What “delicate” matter needed her father’s approval?
Surely, he would not consider proposing again!
He could not still intend to marry her! Or could he?
What if he were to propose? How could she answer such a question after everything that had passed between them?
After he saved her family’s honour? After he corrected his wrongs with Bingley?
After she and Georgiana had become close friends?
Would she dare refuse him again? Did she really want to refuse him again?
Panic overwhelmed her, and she dared not look at him, so she remained silent as she feared her voice would tremble.
“Miss Bennet…you know only too well that my sister has become quite attached to you. Therefore, it might not come as a great surprise that she wishes to invite you to Pemberley.”
Elizabeth’s knees weakened, and she blinked several times.
She finally lifted her eyes to his. She blushed, and shame overcame any other feelings as she mocked her own foolishness, scolding her ridiculous presumptions.
How could she imagine he would ever propose again? What sort of simpleton was she?
He had come solely to tell her that Georgiana intended to invite her to Pemberley. Was that all?
Darcy continued, “Such a situation would surely be unbearable for both of us. Living together in the same house —even one as large as Pemberley —is unthinkable for two people who have been involved in such tumultuous circumstances. Our past cannot be easily forgotten or forgiven.”
Yes, she knew that to be true, and yet she foolishly imagined circumstances had changed.
They had not.
He neither forgot nor forgave. His behaviour had improved, his manners towards her had softened, and his judgment of her family had become more lenient, but his feelings for her were no kinder, no less resentful.
He had accepted her friendship with Georgiana and agreed to their maintaining a correspondence, as long as that did not involve her presence anywhere near him.
He had agreed to spend time at Longbourn only to humour his friend Bingley, but he obviously was anxious to leave as soon as possible.
That she imagined he might propose to her again was utterly ludicrous.
“That is true. Am I correct in assuming then that you mean to insist that I reject Georgiana’s invitation?” she barely managed to reply.
His face darkened even more, and he averted his eyes, glancing around.