Chapter 26 #3
“First, I must repeat that nothing improper happened between Miss Bennet and me today. After you left, I observed the gravity of her situation and the possible consequences. I was grateful to her for helping you and afraid that she might be in danger. I confess I would do anything to keep her safe —this I cannot deny. Perhaps holding her as I did was not the most proper behaviour, but it was surely the best solution for warming her…”
He paused again, tormented by the words he had said and by those that would follow.
“However, dearest, the truth is I did deceive you by keeping you ignorant about a delicate, painful, and shameful subject. Miss Bennet insisted on my telling you long ago, but I refused. I found it inappropriate and disturbing to discuss with you.”
“Dear Lord…what is the matter, Brother?”
“It all began the evening of the Meryton assembly when I called Miss Bennet ‘tolerable.’ After the ball I even jested at her expense with Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst. During subsequent visits, I found reasons to condemn the Bennet family for their improper manners and lack of decorum. But in my struggle to judge Miss Bennet, I did not notice when my opinion changed. I began to admire her wit, her genuine affection for her sisters, her knowledge, her deep understanding, and her delight in doing things that other young ladies her age would never do. Most of all, I enjoyed her tendency to tease me, disagree with me, and point out my deficiencies when it was deserved.”
“Yes, we do recognise her in your description,” Lady Hardwick intervened. “But it is quite astonishing to hear of your admiration when we only knew of your disapproval.”
“It was equally astonishing and distressing to me. I knew I could never attach myself to a woman whose situation in life was so far below mine. Since I did not wish to give Miss Bennet any sign of my inclination or to raise false expectations, I made it my goal to keep myself at a distance from her. At the same time, Bingley grew very fond of Miss Jane Bennet, and his intention to deepen their acquaintance was obvious to me and to everyone else in Meryton…”
“And?” Georgiana’s eyes widened with eager curiosity.
“And, to complete the picture, it was at this time that Wickham appeared in the village. He immediately became friendly with Miss Elizabeth and related to her his own version of events to malign my name. I suspected he would do so, and I was aware that his presence in the peaceful neighbourhood would cause problems. But I chose to do nothing, to withdraw even further, and to act indifferent. Even worse…”
“Yes?” his sister asked again during his short pause.
“It was I who convinced Bingley that a marriage to Jane Bennet would bring him only disadvantages. I expressed my certainty that she did not return his affection. His happiness would have been ruined forever if he had not visited you that day and Aunt Amelia had not encouraged him to return to Hertfordshire.”
“But, Brother, why were you opposed to Miss Jane Bennet? Even you admitted several times that she was perfect for him. And her affections seem so strong. Poor Jane...”
“At that time, I was not capable of seeing the truth. I was arrogant and selfish and inconsiderate in my assumptions.”
“Oh dear…” the countess said. “Does Bingley know all of this?”
“He does. I confessed everything to him in August. As always, he was extraordinarily generous to me. I did not deserve it.”
“William, what about Lizzy…?”
“I met Miss Elizabeth again in Kent last April. For a fortnight, we saw each other almost every day. I was certain she returned my feelings and desired my attentions…so…I proposed to her…”
Two astounded sets of eyes searched his incredulously as he struggled to continue.
“I spoke to her of my feelings and my affection, and I asked her to marry me. I also told her about my sense of her inferiority, her family obstacles that had opposed my inclination, and my decision to marry her against my duty and family’s expectations and despite my own sense and judgement.”
Astonishment and disbelief brought a grimace to Georgiana’s face; the countess put down her cup of tea, staring at her nephew with widened eyes and mouth. He smiled bitterly.
“You can surely guess what followed: I was rejected with the harshest words a man could hear. She accused me of many things —most of them just —including that I separated her sister from Bingley and ruined Wickham’s fortunes by refusing him the living left by my father.”
“Oh, William…and what did you answer? What did you do?”
“I answered by offending her. I lost my temper of course…and I left after a terrible argument…terrible indeed. But later that night I wrote her a letter, giving my side of the story to all her accusations…but she refused to read it and tore it up…”
“Dear Lord!” both ladies exclaimed at once.
“Yes…during the months that followed, I was furious with myself, disappointed by my weakness in proposing to her, and angry and resentful towards her for her rejection, her accusations, and her refusal to read my letter. I never considered the justice of her reproaches until much, much later…”
Georgiana’s face was now darkened by distress, and her hands trembled; she spoke, but her words were filled with tears.
“So that was the reason for your distant behaviour? I thought it was me… that you were disappointed in me for almost eloping, and that my mere presence was painful to you. I thought you avoided me. That is why I preferred to stay with Aunt Amelia.”
“I know, dearest…but in my miserable selfishness, I did not think of that. I did not consider how much I hurt you…how much pain I brought to you. I was only made aware of it a few weeks ago by Miss Bennet herself. Please do not blame her for telling me; she did it to convince me to tell you the truth and to release the sorrow that was troubling you. She was willing to risk her good name —and even your friendship —so that you could be at peace and cease blaming yourself with a guilt that should not exist. She was much more considerate and generous than I was to my own beloved sister. I have said many times that I would do anything for your happiness, but I was fool enough to become the precise cause of your unhappiness.”
Silence fell over them, adding more weight to the guilt, pain, sorrow, disappointment, and remorse filling the room.
Georgiana fell into the depths of grief, the storm of feelings apparent on her face.
The countess remained distant and impartial as if she were afraid to intervene between the siblings.
Darcy stood by the window, glass in hand, caged in his own self-blame.
“Brother, I find it difficult to understand everything you told me. So many things appear different now. And I still cannot believe that Lizzy refused to marry you…and that you offended her so deeply. That is not the man I love and admire…”
“I am ashamed to confess how far I am from the man you thought I was. I have so many faults, and I have done so many headstrong things that deeply hurt people who had the misfortune to know me. I surely do not deserve your admiration, but I cannot help feeling sad for losing it…”
“I am not surprised that you did not wish to relate this story…it is better kept private,” Lady Hardwick finally said.
“And I share Georgiana’s astonishment at Elizabeth’s refusal.
I wonder whether another woman in her position, with the lack of family connections and dowry plus the future threat of the family losing their home, would reject a man in your position —even more so since you could have no other reason to marry her than genuine affection. ”
“It was a response consistent with her poor opinion of me. Her disdain for me was stronger than any worry for her family’s future —and rightfully so, one could argue.”
“That is debatable, my dear,” the countess retorted. “But she was true to herself and did not hesitate to express it, regardless of the consequences. I am not certain whether this is proof of bravery or foolishness. Regardless, Elizabeth is a woman to be admired.”
“William, when did you meet with Lizzy again?”
“When she came to ask for my help after her sister’s elopement.”
“Were you still angry with her at that time?”
“Yes…”
“But you still helped her?”
“I did…”
“I am glad. How ashamed she must have felt to be forced to beg you, and how difficult for you to offer your help against your own feelings. Then I invited her to Pemberley and you both looked so distressed…now I see everything more clearly. You approved of my invitation to her…accepted that you would see her every day. That is why you avoided being in our company.”
“My dear, I shall not deny that your invitation was agonizing both for me and for Miss Bennet. And I shall not conceal from you that we spoke of it before her visit…because we both care for you. It seems a fortunate decision as I can see how wonderfully your friendship has grown. And I dare say Miss Bennet has few regrets about coming to Pemberley.”
“Does Lizzy know the truth now —about George’s deceptions and lies?”
“Yes; I have reason to believe she came to understand the truth on her own some time ago.”
“Surely, her opinion of you has improved significantly. She certainly does not despise you now. She expressed her admiration for you on several occasions; I have heard her myself. And she is not displeased with your company, I know that.”
“I hope she is not. I hope we can be civil in each other’s company as there are three people who are dear to both of us. If for no other reason, at least for Bingley, for her sister, and for mine we must be on friendly terms.”
“Brother…I must ask: Have your feelings for Lizzy changed?” she asked shyly.
The answer came reluctantly. “They have.”
Darcy hoped his sister would be content with that answer and cease the inquiry, but to his surprise, she continued with a wisdom that flustered him.
“But…has your affection for Lizzy diminished?”
“Dearest, I cannot lie to you; neither do I wish to speak of this. Please ask no more and let us end the subject here. You must keep Miss Bennet as the dear, loyal friend she has been to you all this time; the past should be completely forgotten.”
“Neither the past nor the present will be easily forgotten. I offended Lizzy today…I saw her so troubled, so pained, and I still hurt her with my suspicions. I accused her of betraying my trust although I knew she put herself in danger to protect me. How can I ever apologise to her?”
Darcy kissed her hand and stroked her hair.
“She will not hold it against you. She will surely understand the reason behind your words, despite their injustice. It was my concern for her safety that made me behave improperly, but that will never be repeated. I will never again allow circumstances to interfere and put me, you, or Miss Bennet in a distressful situation.”
Georgiana embraced her brother, and he held her tight, stroking her hair.
“Dear brother, I hope I will not have to choose between you and Lizzy. I hope you can become friends. I cannot reconcile myself to the thought that each of you is distressed by the other’s presence and that I forced you into this upsetting situation.
If I could only do something…I feel as if I traded my grief for yours… ”
“Dearest, Miss Bennet told me one day that nothing is more important to her than your peace of mind. We both feel the same on this matter — do not doubt it.”
“I am well now —I hope I will be even better soon —but I wish nothing more than to see you happy. And Lizzy…”
“I wish Miss Bennet every happiness too. Never doubt that.”
There was no formal dinner at Pemberley that evening; the torment of the day was too intense, and more time and rest were needed to calm the spirits that had been stirred.
After his startling confession, Darcy retired to his apartment while Georgiana and the countess discussed the matter for another hour.
Later in the evening, their aunt returned to her rooms, hoping she had left her niece a little more tranquil and on the edge of sleep.
But as soon as she was alone, Georgiana went to Elizabeth’s rooms. She entered slowly and found her friend already asleep.
She crept closer to the bed, and for a few minutes, she stared in silence at the woman who had so dramatically changed their lives, wondering what was in the mind and heart of Miss Elizabeth Bennet.