Chapter 27
His confession drained Darcy’s strength. Once he related the history of the past year, his turmoil increased. He was grateful for the embrace Georgiana offered him at the end. The relief of knowing that his sister could show her affection, despite the suffering she had gone through, was a blessing.
He also had reason to hope that her friendship with Elizabeth would survive that dreadful moment. But, now the secret was known, he wondered whether the relationship between the two would remain as strong and deep as before.
As for his own relationship with Elizabeth —he dared not consider how they would face each other the next day.
The knowledge that their past was now revealed must trouble Elizabeth and place her in a distressful position that no honourable lady should suffer.
Even though she was the one who asked for it, she would feel the burden of it; he felt it himself.
Even worse, he could not offer her comfort, even the innocent comfort of a friend.
Every word —every gesture —would now be closely observed and likely misinterpreted by his sister and his aunt.
Surely, there could not be a peaceful friendship between them.
He worried that Elizabeth would feel the close scrutiny.
If the situation were difficult for her at the beginning of her stay, now it would be worse.
He also knew that he was disguising his own feelings.
Friendship with Elizabeth was as impossible as it was unbearable.
The moment he held her in his arms, any doubt or unreasonable hope of such an outcome vanished.
Her arms around his waist, her head resting on his chest, her fingers touching his face, her soft lips almost touching his made him burn inside.
He was no fool; he knew the gestures were made of her own will.
She wanted to touch his face, and she put her arms around him because his presence gave her comfort and, perhaps, even pleasure.
She leant towards him because she wished for a kiss that never happened.
But, while his heart desperately begged for a deeper meaning to her gestures, his reason knew it was foolish to imagine more than it was.
Just as he had repeated to Georgiana, if not for those dangerous circumstances that threatened her life and her gratitude for the man who offered her support and warmth, such intimacy never would have occurred.
And he promised his sister that it never would again.
But every fibre of his body yearned for her touch and craved more —much more.
He said last April that he loved her ardently, but every time he was near her, he discovered new and deeper meanings for that word.
His desire and passion shadowed his reasoning so that he could not —dared not —discover the truth behind her gestures.
If any other woman had been in his arms and touched him the way she did, he would have been certain of what she wanted and expected from him.
But with her, everything was different. She was different.
What would happen the next morning when they all met at breakfast? What would happen in the next weeks? How long would they be in such unbearable confines? Would she be desirous to leave? Would Georgiana prefer not to prolong a situation that had become so odious to them all?
His thoughts grew into a violent storm, stronger than the wind that blew outside.
A fierce headache sliced his temples, and he opened the window widely, the snow hitting his face. Melting snow dripped down his face like frozen tears from beyond his eyes. He remained there for a long while, scarcely feeling the piercing cold.
When he withdrew into the room, closed the window, and poured himself a glass of brandy, he knew what he had to do.
∞∞∞
Wind shook the windows, and Elizabeth startled, frightened and confused, looking around her.
She was uncertain of the hour. How was it possible that she slept so deeply?
It must have been Mrs. Reynolds’s tea. She left the bed and put on her robe.
Her feet hurt slightly, but she ignored them.
Greater pains troubled her. How much time had passed since her conversation with Georgiana? Was it already dinnertime?
The mere thought of eating made her cringe, but she wished to know where the others were gathered.
She rang, and Sarah arrived immediately.
“Miss Bennet, how are you feeling? Are you well?”
“I am very well,” she said with a weak smile. “Would you please tell me the time? And how is Miss Darcy?”
“It is around eight o’clock, ma’am. Mrs. Reynolds says there will be no formal dinner tonight as the family has already retired. But I can bring you something to eat. Just let me know…the cook made some fresh soup…warm…”
“A little soup sounds lovely. But would you be so kind as to inquire whether Miss Darcy is unharmed? And Mr. Darcy of course. No need to bother any of them; only ask and let me know.”
“Of course ma’am —at once.”
Time passed, but the maid did not return. Elizabeth sat in the chair, her feet up with her arms wrapped around her legs. She stroked her still-aching toes, and she felt herself blush as she recollected the touch of Darcy’s fingers on her feet and his palms sheltering her frozen feet.
Elizabeth turned towards the opening door, eager to hear some news. But instead of the maid, Georgiana entered. Pale and grave, she walked in reluctantly, her blue eyes shadowed by dark circles.
“May I come in?” she asked diffidently.
“Of course —please come in,” Elizabeth invited her, hurrying to her.
They sat on the bed at a polite distance.
“How are you feeling, Lizzy?”
“I am as well as I can be if you refer to my health. Please do not worry.”
“I do worry…how could I not?”
“I can see you are upset…”
“I am not upset —only a little worried and sad. I talked with William. He told us…”
“Oh. Is there…do you wish to ask me anything?”
“No. I imagine it must be hard for you to speak of it. It has been a year of distress for all of us.”
“Yes…”
“My brother said he offended you…but you must believe me: I have never heard William offend anyone before. He is sometimes aloof and restrained, but I never heard a cross word from him addressed to either the family or the tenants or even the servants. Everybody agrees that he is the best master and the best landlord.”
“My dear, I do know that now. You must understand that Mr. Darcy and I had a violent argument. We were both angry and unfair, and we said things that we have come to repent. But I dare say we have discussed this matter, and we agreed that we both share the blame. On this subject, there is little else to be said.”
“Lizzy, I know you insisted William reveal your secret to put me at ease. You exchanged your comfort for mine. I cannot even imagine how difficult it was for you to come to Pemberley.”
“My tranquillity was not complete without yours, my dear. And the weeks I have spent at Pemberley with you were truly wonderful.”
“Oh, Lizzy, what are you saying? You do not plan to leave, I hope?”
“I am not certain yet…but perhaps it is time for me to return home so you and your brother can spend some time together. I do not want to create more distress for anyone.”
“I will not insist on your doing any less than you want. But I would be happy if you were to stay at Pemberley forever. And if you decide otherwise, you must remember that Pemberley will always be your home.”
The following day, Elizabeth went to breakfast with a heavy heart and unsteady thoughts. She was abashed at the prospect of seeing Lady Hardwick and Darcy for the first time since the incident at the swamp and his confession.
Her ladyship smiled at her, inquired after her health, and then thanked her for protecting Georgiana. They sat at the table, but she noticed Darcy was not there. When he appeared a few minutes later, he greeted them briefly, and his gaze lingered on Elizabeth’s face for a moment.
Formally attired and his countenance severe, he wore obvious signs of a lack of sleep.
“I hope you had a good night. Did you rest well?” he asked politely.
“We did, Brother. Although Lizzy and I went to sleep rather late, we talked until near midnight.”
The reason for Georgiana’s statement was no mystery to anyone.
“I am glad to hear it. There is something I must tell you —something I considered thoroughly and decided after weighing all the details very carefully.”
Darcy’s hoarse voice startled his companions. They stared at him, intrigued and impatient.
“I have long intended to visit our other property in Cambridgeshire and Lady Hardwick’s two in Oxfordshire and Birmingham. I believe this is the time to do so. I might also stop briefly at Newcastle. My luggage is packed, and everything is prepared. I will leave after breakfast.”
Elizabeth dropped her cup and spilt hot tea on the table, a few drops burning her hand.
Darcy hurried to help her, but she hastily wiped the table with a napkin, struggling to keep her eyes from him.
He resumed his place, followed by the gazes of his sister and aunt.
“Brother, what are you saying? Surely, you cannot leave Pemberley!”
“I am, my darling. Just as last autumn I spent a few months with Bingley at Netherfield, I have to attend to business for a while.”
“But…Mr. and Mrs. Bingley arrive next week!”
“I know…I will inform Bingley. I have no doubt he will understand. They come to visit you and Miss Bennet. I am sure you will be a perfect hostess and show them a pleasant time.”
“So you wish to leave today? Now? In winter —it could be so dangerous! You have said so many times!”
“I will have Watts and four other men with me. We will stop and rest frequently, I promise. And I will write you from each destination.” He smiled at her.
“Brother, how can I convince you to reconsider your plans?”