Chapter Fifteen
REN CALLS A few times over the next week.
I don’t pick up, and he doesn’t leave a message.
If he doesn’t want our relationship to progress at this time, then I see no point in spending time together.
It’s just too much for me. My feelings have grown for him.
It’s too painful to spend time with him, knowing nothing more will ever happen.
This situation snuck up on me, and I need to back out now. I must preserve my heart.
Except I miss him. A lot. I can’t stop thinking about him every moment of every day. I yearn for him. I didn’t realize how attached I’d become.
There’s a part of me that wants to yell and scream at him. To cry and beg. To hurt him like he’s hurting me. I keep that person in check. She’s the Hyde to my Jekyll. I won’t allow that person to be unleashed. I’ve killed her. She doesn’t exist anymore.
I don’t understand Ren’s evasive comments about there being a “right time for us,” but now is not it. It makes no sense, and I don’t want to play games.
The thing is, Ren isn’t a man who plays games either. I know he wasn’t stringing me along. This knowledge keeps me from writing him off completely. My heart can’t let go, even though it knows it should. I find myself in love with yet another man who is, for one reason or another, not available.
This is not an experience I’d like to repeat. Again, I’m proud of myself for not acting like a raging lunatic while I lose Ren. I guess I learned something after my huge mistakes with Sawyer. Like how to be a mature adult.
So I spend another week minus Ren. I ache for him, but he’s an indulgence I won’t let myself partake of.
On Sunday morning, I get up early and take myself out to a super-cute breakfast place a coworker recommended. They only serve from six until nine in the morning. Then they don’t open up again until lunch.
It’s only eight in the morning when I’m headed back home with a very full, but very happy stomach. As I pull into the driveway that leads to my housing community, I notice a jogger coming toward me.
It’s Ren. Looking fit and healthy.
I hit my brakes, and he slows to a walk, looking just as surprised as me. He stops and places his hands on top of my car, leaning down to my window.
Guess I should roll it down and not shut him out any longer. Symbolically and literally.
I’m the one who stopped when I didn’t have to. Now I’m blocking his sidewalk, preventing him from moving on.
My window slowly slides to the open position.
“Hi, Bree.”
“Hey, Ren.”
“You’re up early.”
“As are you.”
Now is not the time to mention that, while he was running to be fit, I was stuffing my face. Yes, stress eating. I admit it.
“Tried to call a few times,” he says.
“I know.”
“Can we talk?”
“Do I want to hear what you have to say?”
He shrugs. “Probably not.”
I mull that over. “Are you going to break my heart?”
“I don’t want to, Bree. That wasn’t my intention.”
It never is. This happens to me every time. I’m the modern-day goodbye girl. “Where do you want to talk?”
“Come with me back to my place.”
It’s an olive branch. I’ve never been to his home. I know he’s offering so he can show that he’s willing to reveal himself to me.
“I don’t know where you live.”
“It’s down the street. Walk with me.”
I don’t want to do this, but I can’t help myself. I need to understand him, to hear his explanation. Otherwise, I’ll always wonder why he rejected me. Call me a glutton for punishment, but I need to hear his reasons.
“Okay.”
He waits while I park my car in the garage. Then I join him on the sidewalk. We walk in silence, careful not to let our bodies touch in any way as we make our way toward his home. The separation between us feels akin to a physical barrier.
I’m wearing white slacks, a light-gray blouse, and a black blazer, along with my favorite Jimmy Choo heels. While I enjoyed life in joggers, t-shirts, and ponytails while taking care of Josie and Jordyn, the truth is, I love being dressed up, feeling like I look good. It gives me confidence.
Ren’s place is only a couple blocks away. It’s an older complex, beautifully landscaped, filled with spacious two-bedroom condos. Prime real estate in this walkable, pleasant area of downtown Portland.
He’s in an upstairs unit. When we enter, I’m immediately struck by the décor.
The condo is pristine, with high ceilings and lots of natural light.
But it’s decidedly a mix of seventies and eighties design.
The dark wood tables, brown plaid couches, wallpaper borders, fake plants, and corkboard wall in the living room are not what I expected at all.
“This is your home?”
“No. It’s my parents’ condo. I live here so I can be close to work.
My parents live in my home with my children, about forty minutes away from here, depending on traffic.
I guess you could say we swapped homes. It’s only temporary, though.
My parents had already moved into this place and planned to renovate this well-kept time capsule.
They just haven’t had a chance to do it yet.
They bought it from the original owner, furniture and all, for a steal.
Even then, they actually offered above asking price.
She was an old lady who was moving to a nursing home. They felt bad for her.”
“Oh.” His explanation begs a thousand questions. But I don’t voice them. I have a feeling all is about to be revealed, and I want him to do it without being pressured.
The situation tells me one thing, though. His ex-wife is out of the picture. I wondered about that.
“Let me grab a shower and change. I won’t be long. Make yourself at home.”
While he showers, I try to ignore the sounds of the water spray. I try not to think about the warm water hitting his body, about reaching out and touching his smooth skin.
I shake the image from my mind and wander to a wall of pictures.
Nearly all are of a little boy and a little girl.
It’s Ren and his sister, I assume, because it’s obvious they’re older pictures.
I don’t know his sister’s name or where she lives.
He never talks about her. But they were both adorable kids.
As teenagers, Ren’s handsome good looks were already obvious, and his sister was beautiful.
Clearly, they are their parents’ pride and joy. One entire wall is dedicated to them.
Ren emerges fifteen minutes later, looking cool and relaxed in casual clothes perfect for an afternoon off. Jeans, V-neck t-shirt, and tennis shoes. Other than when he’s going for a run, I’ve never seen him this dressed down.
The look works for him. My attraction for him has not waned. If anything, it’s grown stronger because of the forbidden element he’s placed on our relationship.
I point to the picture of the little girl. “Is this your sister?”
“Yes, Clarissa. She lives in Maine. We don’t get to see each other very often.”
Clarence and Clarissa. His parents had a theme going.
“Is this your father?” It’s a headshot of a man wearing a lab coat. “Is he a doctor?”
“He was. He’s retired now.”
“What kind of doctor?”
“A gastroenterologist.”
Enough small talk. I’m ready to dive right into this conversation. I know he has feelings for me. I can feel it in his gaze, in his desire to be with me.
“Do you love me, Ren?”
He doesn’t flinch at my blunt question. “Yes.”
His quick answer takes my breath away. That changes everything. “I’ve fallen for you too. I don’t understand what the problem is.”
He’s so serious, his face a hard mask. This is a side of him I’m unfamiliar with.
His chest rises and falls slowly. “I know. That’s my fault. I haven’t been completely honest with you.”
“Have you been lying to me?”
“A lie of omission, yes.”
My eyes lower to the floor. “You mean there are things you haven’t told me?”
“Yes. Important things. Do you remember the night we first met? The night you told me your story?”
“I remember.” How could I forget?
“Once I heard what you’d been through, I felt like I couldn’t share my story.”
“Why?”
“I knew you wouldn’t want to spend time with me. I knew you were already fragile, and I wasn’t good for you.”
“So you didn’t tell me your story and spent time with me anyway?” My heart squeezes.
“Once you mentioned your plan to not date for a year and that you just wanted to be friends, I thought I was safe. It wasn’t my intention to deceive you or to hurt you.
I didn’t expect to fall in love with you.
At first, it all seemed harmless. I needed a friend, and so did you.
I convinced myself it was okay, that I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
It took me a while to realize I was not only lying to you by omission, I was also lying to myself. ”
“Why did you keep seeing me?” I want to know, yet I don’t.
“I couldn’t stop. I loved our time together. I was lonely and in need of companionship. I love the way I feel when I’m with you.”
That smooth voice combined with those words is nearly my undoing. “How do you feel when you’re with me?”
“Alive. Like there’s more to life than I’ve given it credit for.
I was beginning to wonder if this was it.
I thought I’d reached a plateau, and there was nowhere else to go.
Except down.” He lowers his head for a moment.
“Look, my life is crazy busy, but being busy should never be mistaken for having a fulfilling life. I’m surrounded by people all the time, yet I feel totally alone.
My busy schedule means I have no time to connect with anyone. Until you.”
“You connect with me?” That’s the best thing I’ve heard so far.
“I do. But nothing can happen between us.”
That’s the worst thing I’ve heard so far. “May I ask why?” I shift from foot to foot, so he asks me to have a seat on the couch.
He sits on a chair across from me. “I’m really sorry, Bree. I didn’t expect feelings to grow between us so quickly. I mistakenly thought we could just be friends. I know it was wrong of me, and I apologize.” He takes a deep breath. “Look, I don’t expect or deserve forgiveness from you.”
“I still don’t know what you’re talking about. What do I need to forgive you for? It hurts, but it’s not a crime to just want to be friends. You’re being honest, not malicious.” I vowed to keep my cool, and I am. Even though I’m dying inside. I’m learning to control my feelings.
He leans forward, resting his head in his hands. “I’m talking in circles.” He gets up, pacing the room a few times. “There’s a reason we can’t be together, Bree.”
I feel like he’s preparing himself to bare his soul. With each passing second, I feel more and more dread. What is this big, bad secret that’s keeping us apart? How bad can it be?
He stops pacing, then faces me. “Did you take creative writing in college?”
His question throws me. So random. “What?”
“Did you?” he insists.
“Yes.”
“Creative-writing teachers always harp on one thing, over and over. They instruct students to never tell their story, but to show their story. Don’t tell the reader a character is cold, show them being cold by having their teeth chatter or having them shiver.
It’s a more powerful story that way, like painting a picture inside the reader’s mind. ”
His voice. It paints pictures in my head. By his tone, he could’ve just recited his wedding vows. “Where are you going with this, Ren?”
“I don’t want to tell you my story. I want to show it to you. I think it will help you understand me and where I’m coming from.”
“How?”
“Come with me today.”
I can’t hide my surprise. “I thought Sunday was your family day.”
“It is. Join me. By the end of the day, you’ll know everything you need to know.”
I’m quiet as my thoughts whirl. I cross my arms and hold my elbows tight against my sides. A defensive move, perhaps. By seeing what he wants to show me, I will be letting him into my heart just a little bit more. I’m not sure it’s a wise move.
“I promise,” Ren tells me with an alert gaze and a steady voice, “all of your questions will be answered. If you still want to know more after that, I’ll answer anything you ask on the way home. Just give me a chance to show you my life.”
His eyes narrow while mine remain wide. The floor between us feels like a great divide, keeping us apart by some sort of invisible line Ren has constructed.
My hands tremble, and my stomach churns.
I’m petrified of what he wants to show me.
There’s no coming back from this. Our idyllic months of seeing one another are over. Reality is about to invade.
He’s right, though. He could sit here and tell me about his life all day. It won’t have the same effect as seeing it firsthand.
There’s some reason he thinks we can’t be together.
I can’t even begin to fathom what it is.
I search my mind for possibilities and come up blank.
What are the usual things that keep people apart?
Race and religion are the only two things that come to mind.
As far as I know, neither one is an issue for us.
Perhaps his family will object to me being a part of his life for some weird reason. I have no idea. I’m grasping.
If I go with him today, I will become invested. I won’t simply know about his life, I will have experienced it. I’ll empathize with him. Maybe I’ll accept things about him that I wouldn’t normally accept. That scares me.
I agree to it anyway. He’s opening up to me, offering to share his secrets. That’s what I wanted. I won’t turn him away. “Okay,” I say quietly. “I’ll go with you.”
“Thank you. You won’t regret it.” His lips press together with determination.
I hope not. “Ren, you said your explanation would be hard for me to hear. Just how difficult is today going to be?”
“Harder than you think. If you want to walk away right now, I’ll understand.”
I could leave right now. Erase Ren Chambers from my heart. Run away. Forget about him.
My strong feelings for him keep me rooted to the spot.
This is the man who made me homemade chicken noodle soup when he thought I was sick.
This is the man who went with me to Quinn’s baby shower so I didn’t have to go alone.
This is the man who still liked me even after I shared all of my ugly truths.
This is the man who has been my tribe, constantly filling me with positive thoughts, making me feel good about myself.
There’s a reason I’ve fallen for him. I love him. He’s kind and tender and funny.
Except he hasn’t made one single joke today. Not one. He’s dead serious.
And that scares me the most of anything.