BUT BY DEGREES #10
“My father always said I was better than any of the other kittens in the court, because I’d been born with the power to be a Prince and they hadn’t.
He said I should never forget that I was better than them.
They’d be my subjects one day, and it would be easier when that happened if they had never been my friends.
Cait Sidhe are encouraged to be physical.
We play with claws, the same way we fight.
He told me never to let fighting become play, but that there would be no shame in bloodying those who would eventually serve me.
And for the longest time, I believed him, first because he was my father, and then because I was afraid to learn how badly I had been misled. ”
“It’s not the same—”
“It’s precisely the same. I was told something by a man I trusted to care for me and protect me and set me on the right path.
I listened, and when he died for his beliefs, I looked to my uncle for the right ways to be going forward.
That version of you was given poison teachings by people he had no reason to question.
He reacted to what he knew. He answered the questions he was asked.
And yes, to a pampered prince, a lesson that says no one matters more might seem like nothing but logic.
The Lady of the Flowers fed you the worst lies, and you believed them when you had nothing else.
In this world, the real world, you had better choices.
You could still have believed you were my superior, or that Toby had nothing she could teach you.
Those lessons were available to you here. You didn’t take them.”
“But Raj … paradise?”
“A child left in a room made of candy will eat until they sicken and believe themselves to be in paradise. You measured paradise against what you knew, and since she had shaped the world to make you suitable to her ends, of course you thought that everything was perfect. But that’s the thing about a true paradise.
Everything isn’t perfect. What’s perfect can never last, and reality lasts.
” Raj shook his head. “And you keep saying ‘paradise’ like it’s something singular.
She crafted a version of you who would find the world you describe paradisical.
Do you think that world sounds like a dream come true? ”
“No,” I said, not bothering to conceal my revulsion. “I would never. You don’t create perfection by excluding everyone who isn’t to your liking. I would be lost without you, and Toby, and Dean, and May—all people she decided didn’t get to exist.”
“Then there’s your answer.” Raj dropped onto the bench next to me, looking smug.
“You always want to make things so complicated, when really, they’re very simple.
She made a new version of you by going back and changing aspects of who you actually are, in reality.
And yeah, he was a dick, and yeah, maybe you could have been someone like him, once, if you hadn’t had some of the experiences you have.
Not exactly like him, since the Court of Cats and the Undersea would have existed at you whether you liked them or not, but similar enough to recognize him when you saw him.
So what? He’s not real. You are real. You’re my best friend, and one day, you’re going to be the establishment I’m expected to rail against. The rest of my court will accept nothing less. ”
I actually laughed at that. “I’ll be on the other side of the continent!
And Toronto has its own Court of Cats, who won’t thank you for trying to maintain a rivalry with me once I’m in their territory.
” I’d never had much contact with the Court of Plentiful Cats.
I knew they sent a representative to my father’s halls whenever we were holding formal court, and I’d met a few of their members at Toby and Tybalt’s wedding.
I thought we were going to get along when I went home.
At least I knew more than most Daoine Sidhe nobles about how to interact with them without being completely offensive.
“It’s cute how you still think you’re going back to Toronto someday,” said Raj.
“I have to be High King one day.”
“I repeat, it’s cute how you think you won’t just relocate the royal seat of the Westlands to San Francisco.”
I snorted. “Because that would make Arden so happy with me.”
“It might, actually.” He shrugged. “She doesn’t like being Queen.
She never has. She only took the throne because the alternative was so much worse, and she wanted to protect her brother.
She’d give up the crown if she had half an excuse to do so.
Some of the cats have said that the Luidaeg has her bound to keep it until the sea witch says she’s allowed to step aside. ”
No one carries gossip like the Cait Sidhe.
If there’s something worth knowing in a kingdom, they’ll know it.
I had no trouble believing that their spy network extended even to the Luidaeg, and equally little problem believing that she would have allowed them to get away with their gossip intact.
“The sea witch is powerful enough to bind the Queen in the Mists” was the sort of thing that would make people think twice about coming to bother her when they didn’t really, really need her help.
“Huh.” Relocating the royal seat would mean whoever had been the royal family in whatever area I moved it to were effectively demoted, keeping their title but not the majority of their responsibilities.
It would be a way to stay where I’d come to feel like I belonged, without abandoning my responsibilities or foisting them onto my little sister.
It was something worth considering more, later.
Raj scooted closer, nudging me with his shoulder.
“Hey,” he said. “Look. You’re not perfect.
You still have some really annoying ideas about station and propriety, and you’re way too easy to scandalize, but that doesn’t make you anything other than a member of the Divided Courts.
All you people have sticks up your asses about the weirdest things. ”
“Gee, thanks,” I said, sarcastically.
Raj gasped, pressing one hand to his chest in a theatrical manner. “The Crown Prince of the Westlands, thanking me! He believes he owes me fealty! Oh, my uncle will be so proud to see his wicked plan come to fruition. Soon, the feline alliance shall rule all! Soon, we will conquer—”
I shoved him off the bench. He fell, laughing, to the floor, grinning up at me.
“Now I know you’re feeling better. If you were still worried about paradise, you wouldn’t be pushing a poor little pussycat around like this.
I understand why you were upset, Quentin, but you can’t let that woman’s ideas about how things are meant to work destroy your peace forever.
She doesn’t get to win like that. I refuse to let her, and you don’t want to try to out-stubborn a cat. It won’t end well for you.”
“I don’t think you can just insist that I be un-traumatized, Raj. It really doesn’t work that way.”
“Well, it should. I’m going to complain to my regent, and she’ll go and have a word with whoever’s in charge of trauma, and everything will be better after that.”
“Oh. Is that so?”
“It is.” He nodded firmly, and I laughed again. He got up off the floor, sitting on the bench next to me, so close that our shoulders were touching. “Is it helping?”
I paused to consider that. Finally, I said, “Actually, I think it is. You’re a good friend, Raj.”
“I’m your best friend. I’m simply doing the work to retain my title, even as my other title keeps us more frequently apart, and that hussy inevitably lures you away from me.”
“Dean?”
“Have you got any other hussies?”
“I’m not sure you’re using that word correctly.”
He waved my concerns away with one hand, sweeping them aside like they were cobwebs to be dislodged.
“That’s what Uncle Tybalt says, too. He says the word means ‘housewife,’ but I think he’s several hundred years behind the times.
Never take advice on slang from a man who believes ‘I have nothing to eat’ is a very funny joke about cunnilingus. ”
I blinked. “I don’t want to think about any of the images that conjures up,” I said, finally.
“Neither did I, but as I had to, so shall you,” said Raj.
“Okay, but either way, I don’t think ‘hussy’ is a word that normally applies to men.”
“It’s equality.”
“It’s rude.”
“It’s rude equality.”
I rolled my eyes. “You are a jerk sometimes.”
“I am a cat, always.” He paused, then yawned enormously. “A cat who should really be asleep at this time of day, if you don’t mind me cutting our visit short.”
“I appreciate you taking any time to see me at all,” I said, standing.
“Always. You’re my best friend.” He embraced me as we both stood, murmuring, “And if you’re looking for paradise, perhaps you should try looking closer to home, in a place you can actually reach.
One that isn’t intending to sacrifice you to anything.
Now come on, let’s get you out of here before one of the old fuddy-duddies shows up and starts howling about how you’re not allowed in my court. ”
He stepped back, away from me, and held out his hand in invitation. I took it, and he pulled me with him into shadow as he slipped smoothly onto the Shadow Roads.
As before, everything was darkness and cold as we ran, until he pushed me out into the alley, frost in my hair and an aching chill deep in my lungs that refused to dislodge even as I tried to cough it away. He didn’t emerge with me, remaining in the shadows as I stumbled free. Cats.