BUT BY DEGREES #11
I shook my head, coughing hard, and turned to head back toward the parking garage.
Despite the cold, I felt so much better that it nearly defied description, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
I wasn’t foolish enough to think that all my terrors had been washed away; they would return, I knew, as soon as I relaxed my guard.
But I felt less like I was on the verge of losing myself, and more like I could keep talking to the people who cared for me.
“You are a bastard and I adore you,” I said, to no one in particular, and started walking toward my car.
From the sounds of the house, May and Jazz were still in the kitchen when I returned. I walked quietly past, heading for the stairs, and up them to the second floor, which was dark, cool, and silent.
Chelsea was gone, as were Toby and Tybalt: Diva and Dean must still be sleeping, dreaming the day away. I almost envied them, and walked straight toward my room, finally releasing the human disguise I’d been wearing since I left the house.
Dean was a lump under the covers, no longer making the whistling sound that most often came with a truly deep sleep, but not moving, either.
I slipped my shoes off and eased my trousers down over my hips before sliding in next to him, moving toward the warmth of his body like it alone could chase the last of the chill from the bottom of my lungs.
He rolled over, revealing that he was awake as he blinked at me.
“Hey,” I said softly. “Go back to sleep.”
“I woke up and you weren’t there,” he complained. “Where did you go?”
“Out,” I said, reaching over to stroke his hair back from his forehead with one hand. “Go back to sleep.”
“Out where?” he persisted. “I was here and you weren’t.”
“I needed to talk to the sea witch,” I said. “She isn’t always here for me to do it without leaving the house.”
My statement, intended to soothe, had the opposite effect; his eyes widened, snapping fully open, all traces of drowsiness fled. “What?”
I winced. “I wanted to talk to the Luidaeg,” I said.
“So I went to her apartment.” That made it all sound much more purposeful than it had actually been, like I’d chosen to go seeking her, not stumbled into it when my body knew what I needed better than my brain did.
Still, it described the situation accurately enough that I decided to let it stand.
“Why did you need the sea witch? Quentin—”
“I needed to … I needed to talk to someone about what happened in the false Faerie,” I said, pulling my hand back and tucking it under my head so that it wouldn’t get in the way of what I needed to say.
“I haven’t been entirely honest with you about everything that happened there.
I didn’t want you to look at me differently.
Toby and Tybalt, they both saw the man the Lady of the Flowers made me into, and they don’t look at me the same way now.
It was important to me that you not change the way you thought of me. ”
“Quentin. No.”
“I’m sorry I thought so little of you.” I glanced away, feeling suddenly unworthy of the aching affection in his eyes. “I should have trusted you more. I should have been able to see that you wouldn’t treat me differently.”
“Yeah, you should have.”
I looked back, startled.
“You should have been able to trust us both enough to know that our relationship isn’t so fragile that she gets to undermine it.”
“Dean…”
“Her daughter tried to break my parents up before they could even properly get together, and now you tell me that she’s been messing with us? I knew you were sad after her version of Faerie fell apart, but I thought it was because, I don’t know, you’d seen people get hurt.”
“No,” I said. “It’s because I hurt people.”
“She made you.”
“No. She just created an environment where it would seem like the natural thing to do, and I went along with it. I can say I didn’t know any better, but I still did it, and I don’t get the moral relief of pretending that it was someone else.
The me I was under her rule was still essentially the me I am right now in bed with you.
I just like this version of myself one hell of a lot better, and I’m going to be doing everything in my power to make sure he’s the version of me who wakes up every morning for the rest of our lives. ”
“Quentin.” Dean gripped my upper arms, firmly, pulling me slightly toward him.
“I don’t care who you were while she was in control, you understand me?
He doesn’t matter. And after this, right now, she doesn’t get to matter in our bed.
Our time together is limited because of who you are.
I refuse to let her steal a single minute of it away from us. ”
“I wish it were that easy, babe. I really do. I wish I didn’t see her world when I closed my eyes.
And I wish that some parts of me didn’t miss it.
” I hated to admit it, but I did. It had been so simple when I was better than everyone else.
Not having anyone to answer to made things so easy.
Part of me yearned for easiness. Part of me wanted the world to be simple and straightforward and fall into organized lines when I needed it to.
“Just because you miss it, that doesn’t mean you’d wish it back … does it?”