Chapter 33 – Juliana
I panicked.
It’s as simple and as complicated as that.
It was already a huge moment, the ultrasound and finding out the baby’s gender, only for Liam to drop the L bomb. It wasn’t exactly a surprise though, and that makes me feel worse for patting his hand like I was placating a toddler.
“I should’ve said it back,” I had told Becca the following morning after I’d admitted what happened.
She’d arched an eyebrow. “Because you feel that way, too?”
“No. I mean… maybe. He just deserved to hear it back, didn’t he?”
“He deserved to hear it back only if you meant it. Would you mean it, Juliana?”
I’d staggered out of her office soon after as if the hounds of hell were at my heels, telling her I didn’t think I had time for therapy appointments right now with work and my other doctor visits.
We both knew that was bullshit. I was running away from confrontation with her and my feelings for him. I felt like I’d cut part of myself off, leaving Becca’s office for the last time, the wiser, older woman I turn to for answers. I wished Maura didn’t live so far away.
Why is it so hard for me to say those three little words? What is wrong with me?
“What’s wrong is you feel hard for your reptile of an ex who then cheated on you and you’re scared shitless at the thought of falling again. I could’ve told you that without you spending the past three years in therapy.”
“Thanks, Nell,” I say to my blunt as ever sister-in-law over lunch the next day.
Even after my lack of a response to his declaration, the car ride home from the doctor’s office was eerily normal.
We spent the evening chatting about the baby’s growth and gender and talking through our list of names while making dinner together.
I tried to convince myself we could just brush past the awkward moment in the ultrasound room.
When it came time for bed though, Liam said he had some work to catch up on for both Sable and Culver Development.
I don’t think he ever came to bed at all even though we’ve been sharing his since Bora Bora and I tried to stay awake for him.
He was already in the kitchen, dressed for work that morning when I got up.
He kissed me goodbye and said he might be at the office late.
Last night, he didn’t come home at all. More paperwork, he’d claimed in his text, saying he could crash on his office sofa. And, that had felt eerily familiar.
“Can’t blame him for avoiding me. I’ve done it to him and I’m supposed to be older and wiser.”
“When it comes to feelings, I don’t think anyone’s so old and wise as to never get scared or make mistakes. But, do you love Liam?” Wendy asks, gently.
I think I do, but how can I form the words for them when I didn’t manage to for him?
That would seem wrong somehow, cowardly.
I’ve hurt him. And, it kills me that I couldn’t just say it back.
I hate that the wounds Chad inflicted still bleed at times, no matter how much I want to rid myself of them forever.
Liam doesn’t deserve to feel like his love is unrequited.
Liam deserves someone kind, someone fearless, someone who’s unbroken.
“I need to talk to him,” I reply at length.
Both Wendy and Nell take the hint and let me off the hook from further questions about Liam, opting to discuss the pregnancy and my parents’ visit from a couple of weeks ago.
I was glad they were so supportive. Mom even whispered that Chad clearly wasn’t The One after all.
It only took three years, one horrendous divorce, and the fact that he’s remarried to convince her.
“Phoenix is a perfect distance from San Francisco, isn’t it?” I comment, dryly. “Much too far for casual road trips, but not so far that a weekend, now and then, can’t suffice for visiting one another.” Nell gives me a wicked grin, knowing exactly what I mean.
“What have Liam’s parents said about the baby news?” Wendy asks.
“I don’t know. I wasn’t there when he told them.”
Nell’s lips purse in a way I know all too well and there’s an alarm bell sounding somewhere in the back of my mind.
Thankfully, lunch has ended so I head back to my office where I make my plans for the things I want to say to Liam when he gets home.
Even if he’s working late, I’ll stay up half the night for him if necessary.
Except, I soon realize our talk is going to be postponed when I receive a text from him -
I’m sorry for the short notice, but Ivy and I are going to visit Ethan for a few days. I’m asking Wendy and Nell as well as Dean and Tabitha to be on call if you need them, and Santi will probably bug you, too. Please, take good care of yourself and call me if you need anything. I’ll miss you.
A sudden trip to Oregon? Ivy’s supposed to be opening her shop soon and they visited Ethan not so long ago. Plus, Liam’s been busy with work and working late.
I sigh, knowing the truth. He’s still avoiding me. I suppose it only serves me right but, dammit, I hate it. I tap out a reply - I’ll be waiting here when you return. I’ll miss you, too - knowing that’s not all I want to say to him.
∞∞∞
A couple of days later, Miles is busy playing classical music nonstop to stimulate the baby’s brain, something his mother once read that’s stuck with him. I appreciate his intent even if the endless concertos are getting a little much at this point.
Everyone thinks they’re an expert when it comes to babies and pregnancy, I’m discovering.
The chatty lady checking me out at the grocery the other day said I should get rid of my cat lest it steals my baby’s breath.
I was buying treats for Beans and Bert and I’ve heard all the anti-cat propaganda before, but I just smiled at her rather than waste my breath.
Meanwhile, the old man behind me in line said I should never raise my arms above my head while pregnant or the umbilical cord would…
God, people really put too much stock in myths.
Not to mention that two strangers took one look at me with my eighteen-week bump and just knew I was pregnant.
What if I wasn’t pregnant? They’d feel silly then, wouldn’t they?
I start to reach for my phone, wanting to share my thoughts with Liam as I would normally do.
I miss him so much. I miss him in bed, in the kitchen, in the shower.
I miss our conversations over breakfast and falling asleep in front of the television with him late at night.
He’ll be back tomorrow, I remind myself.
I set my phone aside and jot down another note for the endless things I want to tell him after I’ve told him something more important. Miles pops his head in as I’m finishing my scribbles. “Safari or maritime?”
“A… what?” I asked, perplexed.
“Which theme appeals more for a nursery gift?”
“You don’t have to-” I close my mouth, seeing my assistant’s wounded look. “Maritime,” I answer, thinking of our bungalow in Bora Bora. “And, thank you.”
“Of course. The lumber yard called, by the way. The delivery was made.”
“Alright, this time you really have baffled me, Miles. What lumber yard?”
He shrugs. “I figured you’d know.”
He steps back out to his desk and I receive a text from Liam a few minutes later - I’m having some wood delivered to the house for a project. They may call your office to confirm delivery but no snooping around.
Grinning in a way I haven’t since the day of my ultrasound, I reply - What on earth are you up to?
Liam: Something for our little blueberry but that’s all I’m telling you.
He’s making something for the baby? I’ve officially melted. However, feeling wicked, I decide to tease him a bit - I figured I might be lucky enough to get some wood tomorrow night since you’ll be home then.
Liam: I’m with my brother and sister so let’s hope they don’t notice that you just made me hard. But don’t worry - I’m more than happy to give you all the wood you can handle tomorrow. Look, I caught dinner.
A picture comes through of Liam. Ethan must’ve taken it because Ivy’s in the background, huddled over a notebook.
The sun is shining behind him, and he’s tan, happy and gorgeous on a boat surrounded by a beautiful lake and woods and holding up his fish.
It’s like something that would be featured in a magazine.
Once more, I wonder how such a beautiful man could have fallen for me when there are so many women who’d kill to be loved by him.
And, not because he’s rich and hot. There’s so much more to him than those things.
A pang of envy shoots through me, wishing I could be in Oregon, too. I wasn’t invited though and I know why. My emotions are running high when I answer - Enjoy your dinner but please hurry home tomorrow xoxo.
Before I can leave work, I receive an email from Culver Development.
It’s from Jock Culver’s executive assistant, Ms. Dawes.
She’s an incredibly prickly young woman and she’s asking…
no, instructing me to report to Mr. Culver’s office today by six.
It’s nearly six now. It’s a far more tersely worded missive than what Liam would send me, and I can’t deny it makes me uneasy.
But, I suppose an impersonal email is not surprising coming from a man like his dad.
The more I think about it though, it’s weird that I’ve heard nothing at all from either of Liam’s parents about the baby and that Liam hasn’t said anything else about their reaction.
No call to congratulate me or dictate where our daughter should attend college someday or even an offer of a bribe to take the baby out of state and leave their son alone.
Jock Culver may be an asshole but Liam’s mother is all about social graces and appearances.
With those thoughts swirling through my mind, I’m not entirely shocked to find Sylvia in the lobby at Culver when I arrive for my appointment. “Juliana! Why, it’s been ages , hasn’t it?” she cries, her designer clothes, hair and makeup as impeccable as ever.
“We saw each other at your anniversary party, but that was several months ago now.”
“Yes, of course. Liam did bring you, didn’t he? It flew clean out of my head.” Nice to know I made an impression on her. “Whatever have you been up to?” she asks.
I smile blankly before glancing down at my bump. At the midpoint, it’s impossible to hide in this particular dress, not that I’d want to. “Well, I…”
“Can you believe Liam just taking off like that and not even informing me when I came down here expressly to see him this evening?” she asks, glancing around the posh lobby as if it was a hardship to set foot in.
“I’m afraid I’m not sure what you mean-”
“Business, he said,” Sylvia scoffs, cutting in. “Lies. He’s either helping his sister hide from me or wasting his time at that sordid club of his. Not one of them appreciates what I’ve tried to do for them. That’s children for you, isn’t it?” she whines.
I’d be amused by her theatrics if I didn’t know what she tolerated when her children were small. As it is, I strive to keep my expression neutral. She’ll be my child’s grandmother after all. “Children have a way of growing up and following their own hearts and minds, don’t they?”
Sylvia nods as if this is the worst thing in the world. “I’m sure you wouldn’t avoid your mother if she simply wanted to have dinner with you.”
“No, of course not.”
“Just because I’m bringing Lucille and her daughter along doesn’t mean it’s a setup.
” Then, Sylvia laughs to herself, but I don’t feel like laughing anymore.
“Well, it is a setup, but he’s not supposed to catch on so readily.
He can’t play the field forever. I’m just trying to find him a proper young lady to enhance the Culver name before he winds up marrying some trash he picks up at that club of his. ”
I gulp, shocked by the realization that she doesn’t know we’re together. At all. She doesn’t know I’m pregnant or he’s the father either. She doesn’t know, which means… Liam lied to me.
I can feel the color draining from my face and my legs feel shaky. It wouldn’t be the first time I had a breakdown in this building, but he was there last time to rescue me. Now, he’s the reason for it.
“What are you doing here, Sylvia?” a man clips from behind us.
I whirl around to find Jock Culver, staring at his wife with obvious annoyance.
Liam’s said before how much they dislike one another.
I can’t imagine growing up with them as the primary example of what married couples look like.
Before his wife can answer, his steely gaze lands on me.
“Hello again, Juliana. I suppose you know why I’ve called you here. ”
“No, I can’t say that I do,” I reply despite the chaos in my head.
“Oh. Well, it’s been decided your design isn’t right for the university library after all.
I would have informed you sooner, but Liam is touchy as hell whenever I criticize anything by you.
I’m going with a different architecture firm for this particular project.
Beaumont. I won’t insult your intelligence by pretending I don’t know that you know him. ”
“Beaumont?” I repeat, feeling completely gutted in more ways than this man is capable of understanding.
He’s choosing Chad’s firm? Liam has to defend my designs to his father?
Is he suggesting my work is only being selected by Culver because of his son’s preferential treatment?
The son who hasn’t bothered telling his parents about us or our baby? The son who’s lied to me?
“Yes. Don’t worry though. I’m sure Liam’s got plenty of projects you can help out on. By the way, are you pregnant?” Culver asks next, driving the final stake in my heart. “Liam hadn’t mentioned it. Do I know the father?”
“Yes,” I hear myself answer as if I’m removed from this world, in a bubble drifting along somewhere. “Yes, I am, and, yes, you know the father. Excuse me.”