Chapter Thirty-One
James
“Oh, they’re totally going to fuck,” I say when the cute blonde detective steps forward to say she already sent the poisoned food to the lab.
“Shawn and Juliet?” Sadie asks. She’s tucked into my side on her bed, watching the TV mounted on her wall.
We’re both completely naked but under the covers, since Soot is curled in a ball at the foot of the bed.
It’s a queen size, so there’s not really enough room for all six feet four inches of me and the giant, hundred and fifty pound dog.
But Sadie adamantly refused to make the dog sleep on the floor or in his own damn bed, so my choices were sharing space with the beast or sleeping on the couch, and only one of those options comes with a naked goddess against me.
“Yeah, if Shawn is the psychic,” I say, struggling to keep all the names straight.
“Fake psychic.”
“Whatever. They’re still going to fuck. I’d bet my Harley on it.”
“I guess we’ll see.”
She sounds so happy that I’m about to let the third episode play, but then she gives a loud yawn. Snatching the remote, I turn off the TV and scoot lower in the bed, pulling her along. She looks up at me, and I pluck her glasses off, setting them on the bedside table.
After we got back from the walk, she dug a spare toothbrush from under her sink and we brushed our teeth side by side, a snapshot of all the domestic possibilities now in my future.
Then I watched as she dug her contacts out, wincing at the thought of touching my own eyeballs.
In the back of my mind, I heard Scottie teasing me for crying the first time I watched her put in her contacts.
She’d only been nine at the time, and I was twelve and terrified that I’d have to wear contacts next.
Just the thought of it, of having to dig little plastic lenses out of my eyes every day, made me nauseous.
The memory brought with it that confusing emotion only grief can create, one that's half bone-deep sadness and half joyful fondness. Thankfully, Sadie’s eyes had been busy, so she didn’t see my expression.
Then she put on her purple glasses and blinked at me with a soft smile. The look went straight to my cock and we ended up fucking on her bathroom counter before finally turning on what I’m told was her favorite TV show as a child.
Now it’s nearing three a.m., and Sadie looks half asleep. After the long day she had, she probably should’ve gone to bed five hours ago. Hell, I’m exhausted enough to sleep for a week.
“Goodnight, Weasley,” she whispers.
“Night, Venus.” I bend down to brush a chaste kiss on her lips, then close my eyes, keeping my arms looped around her.
I’m asleep within minutes.
~
“You look like shit.”
“Good to see you too, T. I had a lovely night, thanks for asking. And you?”
Theo scoffs from where he’s leaning against the kitchen counter, a mug in one hand.
I set my helmet on the dining table and cross the room to pour a cup of coffee.
As good as I slept last night, I still only managed five hours.
We slept as late as we could, but Sadie has a business to run and I have training at ten and shit to do for the club.
Not that I didn’t consider quitting it all for ten more minutes in that bed with her. We didn’t even have time for a morning fuck.
“You going to tell me where you were all night?” He asks it casually, as if he doesn’t expect an answer.
Seeing his face go from confusion to shock when I do answer is delightful. “Sadie’s.”
“You… wait—what? Sadie Sadie? June’s Sadie?”
My Sadie, the caveman inside me wants to yell. “Not sure June can claim ownership of another person. Well, except you.”
“Don’t try to distract me.” He sets his mug on the kitchen island and steps closer. His dark eyes attempt to bore into mine, searching for whatever information I’m holding back. “What were you doing at Sadie’s?”
With a smirk, I lift the mug to my lips to blow on the steaming liquid.
“What the fuck, James? Out of all the women, you had to choose June’s best friend? Didn’t think that through at all?”
Actually, I overthought it for several weeks, but I’m not telling him that. “Worried your scary girlfriend will try to chop my dick off for touching her best friend?”
“Okay, one, there would be no trying, she would succeed without breaking a sweat. And two, my girlfriend will never go anywhere near your dick.”
Seeing his possessive, jealous side flare for June is always a shock to the system. I’m happy that he’s found that kind of love again, but it’s a reminder that the last person he loved like that was my sister.
I wonder if there will ever come a day when I’m not constantly pelted with memories of all we lost. Although, at this point, I think I’m too used to the sting of each tiny impact that missing them would hurt worse than enduring them.
“That’s fine. I got my own little Venus flytrap. More fun than a reaper anyway.”
“Venus flytrap?”
“What? You’re the only one allowed to come up with stupid nicknames?”
Theo leans against the counter and stares at me in disbelief. “You have nicknames? What is going on? How did this happen? When did this happen? Oh god, is this going to keep happening? I need to call June.”
“Don’t worry. Sadie should’ve already texted her.
Although this means June might miss church tonight.
Sadie said, and I quote, ‘Tea this hot will bring all the girls to my yard,’ which in Sadie language means this news will be such a big deal that all of her friends will drop everything to descend on her house like gossip-starved hellions. ”
“You guys are that serious?”
I’d been expecting the question, yet I’m still not prepared for it. How do I answer that? Did Sadie and I have the talk about labels and other bullshit? No. But is this a casual thing that won’t last long and we’ll be seeing other people? Hell no.
I settle with, “Serious enough to risk June’s wrath.”
“She wouldn’t be angry unless you hurt Sadie. Are you planning to hurt her?”
“No.” The word comes out almost like a growl because just the idea of someone hurting her, even myself, makes me want to rip that person apart.
He nods once. “So, this is it.”
I frown, setting my coffee mug down to cross my arms. “It’s what?"
“The time you finally forgive yourself for something that wasn’t your fault and allow yourself to be happy.”
My mouth drops open. We don’t talk about this. It’s not something we do.
“T…”
“Do you think I didn’t know what you’ve been doing all these years?” he asks, eyebrows lifting. “Refusing to have anything more than a quick fuck for a physical release?”
“I haven’t—”
“Don’t, James. It wasn’t your fault.” I open my mouth to argue, but he pushes forward, determined to get his say in.
“Yes, you were supposed to come with me and Shiloh to the park that day. But Heather booty-called you the night before and you slept in at her place. It happens. I knew where you were. It’s not like I was waiting on you or needed you for a dangerous job.
It was a trip to the park. I took her all the time by myself.
You deciding to go to Heather’s isn’t the reason everything happened. ”
“Come over. Let me take care of you tonight.”
“Leave in the morning. Sleep here tonight.”
“Would you rather go to a playground with a bunch of kids or let me suck you off again?”
Memories of Heather’s words assault me faster than I can fight them off. They’re deafening in my head, coming from every angle.
They all say one thing. One irrevocable fact.
“I wasn’t there.”
“I’m the one who wasn’t watching her.”
“It wasn’t your fault.” My retort is automatic and apparently exactly what Theo expected to hear, because he gives me a knowing look.
“And it wasn’t yours. It was the fault of that sick psycho.
Or maybe it was Rocket’s for not warning me about the recently released sex offender living two neighborhoods down from the park.
Or maybe it was Scottie’s for even finding that particular playground.
Or maybe it was that random lady’s for distracting me with her new baby. Or maybe—”
“Okay!” I interrupt. “I get it.”
“Do you, though? Because you’ve been punishing yourself for eight years.”
“I haven’t been punishing myself.”
“When was the last time you slept over at a woman’s house?”
I don’t answer. We both know the answer. Besides last night, the last time was eight years ago. The night I slept at Heather’s and wasn’t there while my niece was being kidnapped.
“When was the last time you slept with the same woman more than twice? When’s the last time you even considered getting serious with someone?
In your head, you chose a girl over your family once and lost everything, so you decided you’d never even have a girl to choose again. It’s bullshit, and we both know it.”
“If I hadn’t let myself get distracted by Heather, then I would've been there, T. I would’ve been there, and we would’ve had two pairs of eyes on her and that asshole wouldn’t have had the opportunity to take her.
I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there and now she’s gone.
They’re both gone.” My voice cracks, and I stumble back.
My hand shoots out to steady myself against the counter’s edge.
Something like barbed wire pulls tight around my windpipe, the pressure causing a burn to form behind my eyes.
First my mom, when I was seven and home alone with her.
Some druggies showed up looking for Dad.
When Mom didn’t have the drugs they wanted, they beat her up.
I was in the other room, watching some stupid cartoon.
I wasn’t there to help. By the time I did show up, she had already packed a bag and written Dad a note.
I said nothing as she kissed my head and walked out the front door.
I didn’t realize she would never come back.
Then Shiloh. She was just a baby, and she needed me.
Then Scottie. I knew she was hurting, of course she was hurting, but I didn’t realize she’d do that.
I should’ve known. I should’ve known how bad it had gotten and been there for her.
My baby sister lost her child and needed her brother.
Where was I when she decided it was too hard?
She was broken, and I should’ve been there to help hold her together.
I was never there. Not when it mattered.
“James.”
Upon hearing Theo’s voice, I manage to suck in a lungful of air and shove past the pain to return to the present. He’s standing directly in front of me, watching me with an understanding that only someone who knows the darkest parts of your soul can.
“You’re human. You make mistakes. But one thing you have never been is a failure.
You have always been the best man I’ve ever known.
The best brother, son, uncle, friend. You are always there when I need you.
You’ve always been there for everyone you love, Scottie and Shiloh included.
You have got to forgive yourself and let go of this absolutely baseless guilt you’ve been carrying around. ”
I swallow and nod, unable to form words.
“Honestly? If anyone can force you to stop brooding for two seconds and face how great you are, it’s Sadie Oliver.”
Just the sound of her name has the knot in my chest loosening slightly. Enough to fully inhale. “Yeah, she has that effect.”
“Is she your ol' lady?”
I pick up my coffee just to give my hands something to do as I think about the question.
Sadie and I didn’t talk about that, and I’m not sure she realizes how significant the title is.
Although, considering her best friend is the president’s ol' lady, maybe she does. Would that even be something she’d be interested in?
The idea of making her mine in that way is more than just appealing.
It's intoxicating. A clear sign of how completely I've fallen. It’s as if my subconscious had been quietly entwining itself with hers, and the moment I surrendered to the desire, there was no turning back. I was lost in her. Consumed by her.
“I’m not sure she wants that,” I admit.
“But you would?”
I sip my coffee, forcing myself to meet his eyes.
“You’ve never had an ol' lady before.”
“I’m aware.”
“The club already likes her. Luna would be ecstatic.”
“She’s never even been on my bike,” I realize. “What if she hates it?”
“She won’t. But even if she does, it’s not like Ol’ Ladies are required to ride.”
“True.” I’m overthinking this. Clearly, my brain doesn’t know how to do anything else when it comes to Sadie.
“Well, if you want my opinion—”
“I don’t.”
“I support it,” he says without missing a beat. “Sadie is great. And I think you’d be good for each other. Although, that means we’d have both of them over here all the time.”
“Oh, God.” The idea of June and Sadie treating this place like their own little clubhouse is both horrifying and strangely alluring. On the one hand, that puts Sadie in my vicinity more often. On the other, she and June would be distracted by each other, leaving me and Theo to our hands.
"Soon, June and the rest of the girls will know, then it’ll be out of our control,” Theo says. “I’m just glad you’re happy. It’s about damn time.” He claps me on the shoulder, then heads to his bedroom with his coffee mug.
“Yeah,” I mutter, even though he’s out of earshot. “Me too.”