Chapter Forty-Five
Thomas
After seeing Lainey for the first time in six years, it didn’t take long for the deep-seated guilt to take over from the short-lived happiness. The look on her face when I slipped up about Luke, and the hurt in her tone, was enough to shatter any of the small albeit misconceived notions I had that there was a chance our reunion would be positive.
I broke us. I know that. She reached out years ago and I never responded. How could I possibly have expected her to react any differently? I knew it wouldn’t be all sunshine and rainbows, but what I didn’t see coming was how easily she believed I’d moved on—how quick she was to think I hadn’t wanted to get in touch.
Luke said she was happy, but throughout our entire exchange, she never once smiled brightly, and that’s fucking with my head.
For the next couple of weeks, I work hard to keep my shit together, and while I’m in Seattle, I somehow succeed, managing to keep myself distracted by packing up my apartment. But the second I’m back in San Francisco, well, that’s another story.
Itrip as I make my way out of the bar, my body slamming into the balcony railing, my head hitting the wood. “Shit.”
My fists clench before I grab my head, checking for blood while willing the throbbing to stop. I tried hard to drown my sorrows, but even after a few hours of solid drinking, nothing seemed to numb the pain…the regret…the guilt. I keep hurting people. Even when I try to do right, it’s so fucking wrong, and I have no idea what else I’m meant to do.
When my hand comes away dry, I reach for my phone, squinting to concentrate on the screen, my mind going in and out of focus as I try to see through the blur.
I want to call Lainey…beg her for forgiveness…convince her I’ll change. But since I’m struggling to see straight and can’t still my mind long enough to think, I’m not sure now’s the right time. I’m a case study for men she should stay away from, and she deserves better.
I sway as I walk down the stairs, trying to ignore the whispers as people move around me, my vision clouding as I stumble.
I need to get home, and there’s only one person, other than Lainey, that I could possibly call.
After attempting but failing to locate his contact, I groan and press the voice button, holding it to my mouth. Making a decision I hope I don’t regret, I manage to mumble “Call Nate” before dropping to my knees on the pavement, the pain not even registering as I fall in a heap.
“Thomas.” Someone shakes me, making me nauseous. “Thomas, wake up.”
I open my eyes to find a blurred version of Nate inches from my face, his expression marred with concern. “Fuck. What happened?” he asks, the volume of his voice wavering.
My eyes roll shut, but he shakes me awake again, lifting me to prop up against the wall. “Wake the fuck up,” he yells, his hands on my shoulders as I feel him lean in close. “We need to get you out of here. Somewhere more private.”
I couldn’t give a fuck who sees me right now, unless it’s Lainey, but I let him lift me, and attempt to walk as he leads me to his truck. When I’m settled inside, my head drops to the window and I groan. “Fuuuck.”
“Thomas, you’re a mess. I thought things had changed. I thought—”
“Why can’t I stop it? It’s been years…years…and it’s still there. Eating away at me.”
“What’s there? What can’t you stop?”
“I just want the hurt gone. The pain I keep inflicting.”
“I don’t think—”
“God, she’s so beautiful. I saw her. I saw Lainey, and she was more beautiful than I remembered. But she’s so sad. And I did that. I put that frown there and I didn’t call her. I never tried to take it away.”
“Thomas, I think you should talk to someone or—”
A horn blares, silencing his words and snapping me out of my head. My eyes roam in confusion until I find Nate, seeing him properly for the first time.
“Fuck, what am I doing?” I groan, wrestling around to secure my belt. “I’m good. Sorry, man.”
“Don’t be sorry. Thomas—”
“It’s the alcohol talking,” I slur. “Ignore me.”
“Thomas, wake the fuck up,” Nate snaps, his calm demeanor shifting. “You need to wake the fuck up and do something.”
My eyes narrow as I stare at him in shock until I realize he’s right. Fuck, I need to be better. What the hell is wrong with me?
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yep. Yeah. I’m good.”
Nate stares at me for a second before he nods, seemingly believing my words, probably just hoping I’ll stop talking.
“Good,” he says wearily. “Come on, I’ll take you back to my place. You can stay in the spare room and—”
“No! Take me to Summer’s.” If Lainey’s there, I want the chance to see her.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“I won’t hurt her again, Nate. Never. I need to change. I need…” I trail off, my throat clogging with emotion.
“Whatever you need, man. I’m here. Call me anytime. But don’t mess with Lainey again. Not unless you’re sure.”
“I’m sure. I’m going to get better. For her. It’s always been her.”