Chapter Forty-Six
Lainey
Ispent the weeks after seeing Thomas teetering on the edge of self-doubt, my mind grappling to hold on to the happiness I had when I first returned from my travels. While in reality, I feel like I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me.
I’m spiraling again, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get my shit together. I’m losing things, I’m forgetting things, I’m stumbling through easy conversations because my mind is constantly stuck in the past. And I’m feeling emotions I haven’t felt in years. The only time I seem to be functioning is when I’m with Josh. If I’m looking after him, I’m able to focus on the job, and all else fades away.
I’m happy again.
It makes me wonder if I was ever truly happy while I was away, or if I’d just become so talented in the art of convincing everyone I’d moved on, I even convinced myself. Because I am struggling.
Especially tonight.
“You know I’d never push you, but Ben said the rehearsal went well,” Shauna says into the phone, putting my mind at ease after I once again ask to be kept off the dancing roster for the weekend.
I started back at the speakeasy the same week I started nannying for Josh, and while I’ve progressed from bar work to also working the dance floor, I haven’t been able to step into that spotlight, further confirming that I’m not as okay as I thought I was.
“The rehearsal did go well.” I confirm. “And Ben has been an angel. I just don’t feel stage ready.”
“Do you want more rehearsal time? Is it that?” Shauna asks, trying to help.
“No, the performance is flawless; Ben is perfection. It’s all me.” It’s always been purely about me.
“There’s no rush,” she reassures me. “And if you decide you never want to do it, that’s okay too.”
She’s saying all the right things, but it doesn’t help my inner spiral. I asked for this. I contacted her again and asked for my job back. I wanted a dancing position, and now I can’t dance. Shauna has every right to tell me to get on the stage or get out, but she’s not doing that, and I’ll forever be grateful for that. “Please don’t let this set you back,” she adds when I fall silent. “You’ll get there.”
When I hang up and get ready for bed, I’m mentally exhausted. Despite knowing sleep is likely to fail me, I still go through the motions, and I’m just slipping under the covers when my phone rings again and Jace’s name lights up the screen, instantly relaxing me.
“I swear it’s like you have some kind of built-in Lainey-is-in-trouble radar,” I say, giggling to myself.
“You’re in trouble?” Jace’s voice rises with his panic, and though I should feel bad for worrying him, it makes me feel better. It’s been over a month since we last spoke, and I hate that the time between our little chats is getting longer, but I get that he’s busy. We both are.
“I’m not in trouble in the way you’re thinking,” I say quickly to ease his mind, and the breath he releases is so thick that it wraps around my heart. “I’m sorry. I’ve just had a rough couple of weeks.”
It’s been years since “photogate” happened, but it still haunts Jace. Sometimes I think it affected him more than it affected me. He was under the impression that we told each other everything, so when I dropped that bomb, he felt like he’d failed me. Like he hadn’t been there when I needed him the most, when in reality, he was there for me more than he understands.
He tried to come and see me when he first found out, but I wouldn’t tell him where I was. I didn’t need the panic or the sympathy; I needed to remain strong. I’d put myself in that position, and I wouldn’t let anyone tell me otherwise.
“What’s been going on? You texted to say you had a new job. Is that it?”
“No, the job’s great. I love Josh and—”
“Shit. You saw Thomas,” he says suddenly, cutting me off.
“How do you know?”
“I’d love to say I know all, but his name just came up on the TV in the break room, and the image accompanying it shows him in a Storm jersey.”
He sounds confused and I can’t help but laugh. “It’s nice to know I’m not the only one that missed the news.”
“When did that happen?”
“A while ago, apparently.”
Jace sighs. “So you saw him?”
“I did, and I miss him so much.” The admission slips easily from my lips, and it doesn’t shock me—because while I’ve been trying not to admit it, it’s the truth. I never stopped caring, and I never stopped hoping I’d see him again. My feelings never went away. They never even weakened. But that’s not the point. Because while I may have been in love with Thomas for the better part of my life, I’m also hurt, and it’s not so easy to move on.
I fill Jace in on everything happening in my life, and it’s late by the time we finish talking. Like always, he kept his “I’m team Lainey” promise, but I know he was holding back.
When I’d told him about Thomas’s reasons for ending things all those years ago, Jace had seen him in a new light. He hated the fact that I was hurting, but he admired Thomas for what he’d done, and agreed that I needed to leave Heartwood. Leave America. This time, when I explained that I thought Thomas held off contacting me because he was keeping up his end of the deal, and then told him that Luke knew, Jace stayed quiet, and I’m sure that means his admiration hadn’t changed.
After letting out a sigh, I pull up the covers just as a light flows through the gap between the curtains, bathing me in a soft glow. I ignore it at first, making myself comfortable before closing my eyes, but when the side gate creaks, my hackles rise.
In the shadow of darkness, I jump up and peek through the window, watching in silence. I thought Dylan was home, but maybe he went out again and is quietly slipping through the back door since Josh’s bedroom is near the front of the house.
With a breath trapped in my throat, I wait for what feels like forever, my heart pounding so hard I’m terrified it’s going to break through my ribs.
And it’s got nothing to do with fear. Deep down, I know it’s not going to be Dylan rounding the corner, and I’d much rather it was a stranger trying to break in than the one person I’m certain it is.
An excruciatingly long minute later, Thomas comes into view, and the world around me stills—the light hum of the fan ceases to exist, the trees stop rustling in the cool night air, and the clock stops. Of course, none of those things actually happen, but as I watch Thomas walking toward the house, nothing else penetrates my senses. All I see, all I feel…is him.
When he reaches the patio, he trips up the first step, catching himself at the last second before grabbing the wall for balance. It’s obvious that he’s drunk from his staggered movements, and yet, rather than the anger I thought I’d feel at discovering nothing had changed, all I feel is sadness. Sadness for the man who’s clearly more broken than he ever realized, and sadness for me. For not being enough of a reason for him to want to get help.
As I wallow in self-pity, Thomas moves to open the door, but pauses at the threshold before looking my way, forcing me to pull back into the shadows even though I’m certain he can’t see me. I wait a beat before peeking again, and this time when I find him, my heart bleeds.
No longer standing tall, he’s now hunched over with the palms of his hands buried in his eye sockets, his elbows flat against his chest. And while there may be some physical distance between us, it’s impossible to miss the way his body shakes, and I can’t handle not being there for him. I want to run to him. I want to pull him into my arms and tell him everything will be okay. But before I can decide if that’s the right or wrong thing to do, he drops his hands and shakes himself off before his head falls back and he stares into the darkness—into the stars.
To most people, that would mean nothing, but to me, it means the world.
A sharp pang hits me in the chest as Luke’s words run through my mind, and for the first time, they really sink in.
“He did it all for you, Lainey. Everything.”
Could he be right? And if he is…what does it mean?
The next day, I’m still thinking about Thomas as I look after Josh, but it’s easier to push him from my mind.
“And they all lived happily ever after,” I whisper, finishing my story when I hear Josh’s calm breaths signaling that he’s asleep. He was fighting sleep today, and I have to wonder if it’s because he senses my unease. When I woke up this morning, I put on my big girl panties, gathered my strength, and prepared myself to walk into the main house and face Thomas, but he was gone. And with each passing hour, my confidence has wavered. Seeing him last night softened me a little and had me questioning if I was doing the wrong thing. He’s clearly still having issues, and we agreed to only contact each other if we were happy. If he’s not happy, what right do I have to be mad at him?
Yes, he lied. But Luke lied too, and if I’m being honest with myself, I’m not sure that me knowing all that time would have changed anything for the better. In fact, there’s a strong possibility that Luke was right, and it would have changed things for the worse.
But Thomas promised me a clean break, and if he was talking to Luke about my life, that means he hadn’t cut ties at all.
I switch off Josh’s lamp as I walk out of the room and gently close the door, my shoulders tense as though I’m going to turn around and find Thomas standing behind me.
But of course, I don’t. For all I know he was only back for the night, and he’s already home in Seattle. Or is San Francisco home now?
Taking a deep breath, I collect the baby monitor and detour past Summer’s office as she’s finishing up a call.
“It’s fine, Lucy. We’ll see you soon.” She hangs up and smiles when she sees me. “Hi, Lainey.”
“Sorry to bother you. Josh is asleep, so I’m going to head outside to enjoy the sunshine. I’ve got the monitor.”
“You don’t have to tell me; I trust you.”
“Thank you. I know. I just… this is all new.”
“I get it.” Summer giggles. “It’s all new to me too. I didn’t have very affectionate parents, so I’m always wondering if I’m overdoing it to make up for that.”
“A child can never have too much love.”
“Oh, I know…but I probably overdo other aspects too. Like working from home instead of going into the office.”
“That’s understandable. He’s still young. You don’t want to miss anything.”
“You’re right. I don’t. But I agreed to work and—”
“You’re doing an amazing job. Josh is happy, he’s loved, and you’re present in his life. Don’t let the mom guilt get to you.” Summer’s eyes widen, and I start to panic. Not only do I have no idea where that came from, but there’s a good chance I’m way out of line. “God, I’m sorry. What do I know about—”
“You’re exactly right. I feel guilty for working, but I hadn’t realized that’s what it was.”
“I could be wrong…”
“Nanny and therapist… I love it. Don’t ever leave me.” Her smile widens before she giggles again and then my guilt takes over. With Thomas moving to San Francisco soon, I’m not sure staying close to his family is a good idea, and I hate lying to Summer. But I also don’t want to leave her in the lurch.
“Anyway,” Summer says, reaching for my arm. “You were about to have a break.”
“I’m in no rush.”
“Thank you. But you can actually have some extra time. Dylan’s sister asked if I could watch her daughter for a couple of hours. So, I’ll take a break and—”
“I can do it.”
“No.” Summer shakes her head. “She’s five going on sixteen. I couldn’t ask you to do that.”
“You didn’t ask me. I’ll keep her entertained until Josh wakes, and then she can help me with his afternoon snack.”
Summer’s smile turns thankful, and her eyes fill with relief. “Are you sure?”
“Of course. What time is she coming? It’s Katie, right?” Summer gave me a rundown of their extended family when I first started. It’s really only Lucy, Katie, and Thomas that are legitimately related to Summer and Dylan, but she talks as though they all are.
“Yes, Katie. Thank you. And she’ll be here in twenty minutes.”
“No problem. I’ll be out back.”
“Thank you, Lainey. You are a godsend.”
I smile, trying hard to keep it genuine when inside I’m not feeling it. She wouldn’t think I was a godsend if she knew I’d been keeping a secret from her for the past six years… Oh shit. I’m just as bad as Luke and Thomas are.
Cue more guilt…and nerves. I have to tell them. But first, I have to talk to Thomas.
Her eyes slam shut as he drops to his knees, his fingers curling into the waistband of her pants. “Look at me,” he demands, his husky voice lighting her on fire.
“I’m going to win!” an unfamiliar voice calls out as the back door slams open, making me jump. My cheeks heat as a little girl around five runs into the yard. Has it been twenty minutes already?I should have put my book down before getting into that scene. I stand to say hello, but Thomas races after her, a relaxed smile on his face, his eyes alight with happiness.
“No chance, Katie Bug. You’re going down.”
Katie reaches for the football just as Thomas lifts her into the air, throwing her over his shoulder while she erupts in fits of giggles.
“I got it. I won,” she cheers, eliciting a full belly laugh from Thomas as he lowers her to the ground.
“Alright, Princess. You’re on offense and I’m on defense. Come on, let’s do this.”
Katie flips her hair away from her eyes and pops her hip, making me stifle my own laugh, but I’m not quiet enough because Thomas’s eyes flash my way, and his expression instantly changes. Instead of the wide, goofy-looking grin he was bestowing on Katie, his lips pull into the same breathtaking smile he’s always reserved for me, and my heart beats erratically as I return it.
“Hi, Thomas,” I say softly before turning to Katie. “And you must be Katie,” I say louder. “I’m Lainey.”
Katie beams back at me before her eyes flash to Thomas’s. “She has pink hair,” she whispers loudly, making me grin. While I let it grow out during my volunteering, when I got back to the US, I dyed it pink again, so I’m used to the stares and comments. But the awe in Katie’s voice has my chest heating.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Thomas says, acknowledging her tone.
“Do you think Mom would let me have pink hair?”
I laugh at the same time as Thomas, drawing his attention. “Maybe when you’re older.” He winks my way, and my traitorous pulse spikes.
“I’ll ask,” Katie says with a shrug before turning back to Thomas. “Can we play now?”
I’m about to tell him I can take over, but Katie doesn’t let him answer before she takes off running again, calling out a random play. When Thomas waves and runs after her, I try to get back to my book, but reading a sex scene while Thomas and Katie race around in front of me isn’t my idea of relaxing. So I fake it. And as I steal glances at the two of them laughing and teasing, it’s difficult to reconcile this man with the man I saw last night.
Happiness is practically shining out of him, and yet, in the shadows, he’s still the same shattered man he was when I left. A thought hits me, and my stomach tenses in concern as my gaze follows him around. Does anyone even know that he’s hurting?
A million thoughts run through my head as I picture his life in the spotlight. By all accounts, he’s got it all, but on the inside—
“Katie Kelly, did you just try to cheat?” Thomas’s booming voice breaks me from my thoughts, and I laugh until her name registers, pulling me up short. Katie Kelly?
“I didn’t cheat,” Katie responds with her hands on her hips, her head tilted to the side, oozing sass. “I tricked you; there’s a difference. And I need to go to the bathroom.”
She runs inside, while I watch her in confusion.
Thomas watches her leave before his gaze shifts my way, and he takes a step toward me. I lift the book higher, keeping up my ruse, but he jogs over, collapsing onto the lounge beside me, tucking his hands behind his head, his eyes scrunched to block out the sun.
“Good book?” he asks, angling his head to face me. From the corner of my eye, I notice the hem of his tee rise, and force myself not to sneak a peek at the sliver of skin I know will be showing.
“The book is riveting,” I lie. “Did you have fun with Katie?”
“I did. She’s always fun to be around. I’m glad I was here.”
“Lucy is Dylan’s sister, right?” I ask as though I’m genuinely curious, when in reality, I want to know why Katie shares his name.
“That’s right.”
“And you’re her uncle?” I question him, the words leaving my mouth before I’ve thought them through.
“Technically not.” Thomas smiles and there’s so much love in his eyes that an unwanted jealousy takes over me.
I nod, trying hard not to ask what I desperately need to know, but when his eyes soften, I don’t have to.
“She has my last name,” he says, his smile morphing into a soft grin.
“She does?” I feign ignorance, making Thomas laugh before he lets out a sigh.
“It’s been a long six years,” he says, sitting up and reaching over to gently run his thumb between my eyes, smoothing out my furrowed brow, his genuine smile returning. “You look worried.”
“Oh? I’m not.” I sit up and force a smile. “Sorry. Go on.”
He huffs out a laugh but it cuts off quickly. “Lucy went through something when she was pregnant and was worried about giving Katie her last name. So I offered them mine.”
My chest tightens for Lucy, but I push for more information. “You offered them yours?”
“Yeah, she was hurting but stressed, and Summer was worried, and…it was an easy fix.”
“Did you get married?” My head says no, but my heart needs the answer.
“What?” He barks out a laugh. “No. She legally changed her name to Kelly. But I was willing to say I was Katie’s father if I needed to.”
Jesus. “You’re a good guy, Thomas. I can’t even imagine what Lucy was going through for it to come to that. It was risky for you, but you did an amazing thing.”
“How was it risky?” His genuine confusion stuns me, and I hate that I have to explain myself.
“I mean, if you had a girlfriend, she could have been jealous. Or the media could have discovered it and spread rumors about you having a wife and kid.”
“Ah yeah. True. Lucy brought up the media thing. She was reluctant at first, but I made it clear it was a nonissue. As for my girl, I knew before I even offered it, that once I explained it, it would be a nonissue for her too. And I was right; she accepted it for what it was.”
I swallow the lump in my throat as jealousy rears its ugly head again. Not for Lucy, but for his girl. Still, I force another smile. “That’s great. And now Lucy and Katie have Wes.”
“They do.” His smile widens, and his happiness for them shines brightly.
We sit in silence for a moment until Thomas chuckles to himself. “After all these years, you still have this way of making me talk.”
I smile though my heart aches.
“What’s wrong?” Thomas notices, his brows furrowing as he leans forward to brush a few loose strands of hair away from my eyes.
I suck in a breath as his gaze bores into mine, but the second I open my mouth to speak, Josh’s monitor comes to life, making me startle.
“Shit. Josh is awake. I better go.” We both stand, and I try to ignore the strange air between us. “If I miss Katie on the way in, can you tell her I’ll meet her in the kitchen?”
“Of course.” Thomas smiles, running his hand through his hair as I turn to walk away. “And thanks, Lainey.”
“For what?” I ask, confusion scrunching my features as I glance over my shoulder.
“For understanding, just like I knew you would.” He winks before jogging over to the ball they left abandoned in the middle of the yard, while I stand frozen for a beat, my heart beating frantically, the meaning behind his words hitting me in the chest.
I’m his girl. I’m the one he was talking about.
Still.