12. Chapter 12
Chapter twelve
Raina
Erik’s conversation seems to be annoying him. It sounds like he’s talking to family, maybe? But I’m not sure.
As he paces, my gaze drifts to the counter and the bucket full of roses I saw earlier. When I was ordering, I noticed the white ones and couldn’t help but think of Erik.
I glance back at him. He’s facing away from me, rubbing at his face with his free hand. There’s no way I could ever repay him for saving me from Father, but I want him to know I’m grateful.
His wallet is still on the table, and I carefully open it up. There are a lot of cards inside, but I only have eyes for the black one he used at the register. As quietly as I can, I slide it out and tiptoe past Erik. I’d like to surprise him, and all he has to do is turn around, and he’ll know what I’m doing.
The coffee shop has emptied out, so I don’t have to wait in line. At the counter, I eye the roses. They’re all so pretty, but I want to give him the best one.
“You like them?” the woman at the register asks. “A local florist sells them here as a way to get more eyes on her business.”
“Can I have one?”
“Of course. They’re a dollar for one or ten for a dozen.”
“Just one, please. A white one.” I slide one out, examining it from its perfect white petals all the way down to its slender stem.
“All right. Your total is a dollar and six cents.”
I frown. “Six cents extra?”
“Sales tax, hon.”
Sales tax. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard that phrase before, but it’s only six extra cents, so I tap the card against the reader the way I saw Erik do. The machine makes a little ding, and then the cashier hands me a receipt.
“Thanks.” Tucking the little piece of paper in my pocket, I start moving back to our table, only to find Erik rushing toward me with a panicked look on his face. “Erik? Is everything—”
“Don’t ever do that again.” He crushes me to his chest, barely giving me enough time to stretch my arm out so he doesn’t damage the rose. “I turned around, and you were gone, and I thought—god, Raina, I thought I’d lost you again.”
“Oh. I—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“I know you’re curious, but please don’t wander—” He cuts himself off when he notices the rose in my hand. “Where’d you get that from?”
“The counter.” I nod to bucket. “You didn’t notice?”
“No. I was…”
When he doesn’t continue, all of my nerves from earlier come back. I hate being left out of things.
Too stupid.
Too naive.
What’s the point in explaining it to you?
“I was too busy watching you,” Erik confesses quietly.
Oh. The tension in my ribcage eases, and I feel myself blushing. It’s so strange, having all this attention on me. Even now, Erik’s gaze is unwavering, his brown eyes tracking my every movement.
“I… I bought it for you.” Hesitantly, I hold out the rose for him.
“It’s beautiful.” Taking it, he brings the flower to his nose and inhales, a delighted smile playing across his features. “You wanted to buy me a gift?”
“I wanted to show you how thankful I am to you. Leaving home always seemed so scary, but I feel safe with you.” More blood rushes to my cheeks as I realize how silly I’m being. A rose in exchange for everything he’s done? He left his home, his job, to move back into the house where his parents were murdered. And for what? A naive girl who he has to babysit. “I know I can’t ever repay you. I just…”
Erik’s smile fades. “You don’t owe me anything, Raina. That’s not why I’m doing this. I’m not expecting you to find some way to make this up to me. Not now, not ever. Knowing you’re out from underneath Charles’s thumb is enough for me. But…”
The food in my stomach sours. Fingernails digging into my palms, I brace myself for whatever he’s about to say.
Staring down at the rose, Erik sniffs it again, his smile returning. “I’ll always treasure this. Just as much as the first one. More, even.”
“The first one? You—you still have it?”
“Of course I do. I could never let any part of you go, Raina. Especially not the one thing that bound us together in the first place.”
“I never let you go, either,” I whisper.
He cups my cheek, and he’s so close I can feel the heat rolling off him. I want to press my body into his, to only ever focus on him. And with the way he’s looking at me, I think he might feel the same.
“Raina,” he murmurs, his thumb running along my jawbone and skimming across my bottom lip. Such a simple gesture, yet it’s electrifying. “You have no idea…”
I thought he almost kissed me outside by the car, and this feels the same way. It’s there—on his face, in his eyes, in the way he tilts my head up. He wants me. I know he does.
But something is holding him back, and I’m proven right when he abruptly straightens, his hand falling away.
“We should go,” he says thickly.
Numbly, I follow him outside. My heart aches when he takes my hand as we cross the street, and again when he opens the car door for me.
“You could’ve kissed me,” I say once we’re both inside.
Erik freezes with his seatbelt halfway buckled. “What?”
“Just now. I would’ve let you kiss me.”
“Raina…” He clicks in his seatbelt and looks away, his expression one of pain.
For a second, I panic, wondering if I misread him. Maybe he doesn’t want this—doesn’t want me . But then Erik’s hand is cradling the back of my head, and his forehead is touching mine.
“I don’t want you to just let me, Raina. There’s more to it than that. You don’t owe me anything, all right?”
“I know, but—”
“You need time,” he says gently. “To adjust. To make sure this is what you really want. I basically kidnapped you. That’s not—”
“You saved me.”
“But I still took you, and I would’ve even if you hadn’t wanted to come with me. You know that.”
“But you wouldn’t have hurt me. You haven’t hurt me.”
“I never will,” he says softly. “And that’s why I need you to trust me here.”
“I’m not a child.”
“Trust me, Raina, I am very aware.”
Something deep inside me heats at the way he looks at me. He’s holding himself back, I know he is. Ever since he stepped into my bedroom last night, he’s been so careful with me. So cautious.
“And I’m not as breakable as you think I am,” I go on. “Just because I’ve lived my entire life locked away in that stupid mansion doesn’t mean I can’t think for myself.”
“I know.”
“Then why won’t you kiss me?”
His hand drops from my face. “Because I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m scared, Raina. Scared I’ll hurt you, or pressure you, or… I don’t know. This is all new for you, but it’s new for me, too, okay?”
I blink, surprised. “You’ve never kissed anyone before?”
With a laugh, he shakes his head. “I’ve done a lot more than kissing.”
“But you said—”
“I meant that I want to take care of you. But there’s a balance here, one I don’t know how to find.” He holds his hands up like he’s trying to demonstrate something, but then sighs and lets his hands fall instead.
“I need that balance to include me taking care of myself,” I say softly. “No more cages, Erik.”
“That’s not what I’m trying to do,” he whispers. “I promise, Raina, the last thing I want to do is keep you in a cage.”
“But don’t you think that means that you need to let me make my own choices? You have to let me explore things so I can learn that the world isn’t full of bears and murderers, and so I can pay six cents in sales tax, and so I can…”
So I can learn what it’s like to be kissed.
“Sales tax. God, of course that’s a gap,” he mutters to himself, running a hand through his hair. “I… god, little rose. You have no idea how tempting that sounds, do you?”
“What?”
“You choosing me.” His gaze flits to my mouth, and he licks his lips. “Letting go, consequences be damned.”
“Would it be so horrible?”
“It might be,” he whispers. “I could hurt you. You could regret me.”
“But it’d still be my choice, wouldn’t it?”
“It’s not one I can accept. Not now.”
When Erik pulls away, a feeling of emptiness settles in my stomach. He starts driving, and I try to follow the trail he’s left me. Multiple times now, he’s told me that I don’t owe him anything. I’m not sure if that’s true, but regardless, that’s not why I wanted him to kiss me.
He actually thinks I wouldn’t want it, I realize as I glance at him out of the corner of my eye. Why can’t he see it? Why can’t he accept the way I’ve always felt about him?
Snow falls around the car as we drive in silence, but my thoughts are so loud I barely notice. Out of all the things I’ve wanted in my life, Erik has always been at the top of my list, and he has no clue.
I have to find a way to change that.