Chapter 16
Chapter Sixteen
After a full week of being Duchess of Pemberton, Marina knew things needed to change, and they were clearly not going to change without her interference.
She wanted to help Lilly, and not just because it was her duty as stepmother. She wanted to give the girl a proper family full of love. We both love Lilly, even if there’s no chance for love between us. The thought made a lump form in her throat.
Sometimes, she indulged in foolish thoughts about Evan falling in love with her, or at least showing more affection than the distant civility he usually gave her. Those thoughts made her heart ache because she knew the possibility of that happening was next to nothing.
After making sure the nanny and Lilly were busy having their afternoon tea, Marina marched into Evan’s study and opened the door.
He looked up at her, looking a little startled.
She did her best not to think about how endearing he looked when he was startled, and she almost succeeded.
“Good afternoon,” he said. “Is everything all right?” He looked her up and down.
“You do not look frightened, so I assume Lilly is all right.” His voice was analytical.
“And you are not pale, like on our wedding day. So, I assume you are also all right.”
“Am I only allowed to visit you when one of us is dying?” She crossed her arms in front of her chest. “I should have known as much.” She was being unreasonable, but she needed something. Now and then, she saw emotions flicker on his face for a moment or two, but they were nothing to go on.
Lilly was not getting any better, and Evan had not been spending any time with her, like he said he would.
The little girl had also complained that he tried to get rid of her teddy bear.
She thought she had gotten through to him that night, when she pointed out that he was the one constant in his daughter’s life, but clearly not.
“Of course, you do not need to be dying to enter my study,” he said. “However, I would appreciate you knocking first.” He looked down at the various pieces of paperwork on his desk. “I also do not see why you had to come in at all. Anything we need to discuss can be discussed at dinner.”
“Not this time,” she said crisply. “I am changing the schedule. Lilly is having tea right now. After that, the three of us will be going on a walk right now.”
He looked at his pocket watch. “It is the middle of the day.”
“Do you have something better to do? I’m sure those dull pieces of paper are positively mesmerizing, but I’m sure you can suffer to spend a few minutes with your daughter.”
“I meant that the sun is strongest in the middle of the day. You and Lilly could get burned by the sun.”
“Then it is lucky that humanity has invented parasols and hats to keep us all from being as red as roses every time we leave the house.” She crossed her arms in front of herself.
“We had a deal, Your Grace. I have spent a week supervising her studies and carrying out all of your terms. You have yet to hold up your end of the bargain.”
His lips pursed in displeasure. “Your Grace?”
She blinked at him. “What is it?”
“You addressed me as ‘Your Grace’. I told you a week ago– we are married. You do not have to call me that.”
She hadn’t realized she said it, and she wasn’t sure why.
Perhaps part of herself still felt like she was just the ruined daughter of a Viscount while he was the Heartless Duke.
It has only been a week. Of course, I am not completely comfortable with my new position.
What mattered was that it got a reaction out of him that was slightly stronger than his usual ones.
“Perhaps I will start addressing you by your name when you start holding up your end of the deal!”
He stood up from his desk and walked around until there was only a short distance separating him. Marina kept her eyes trained on his face, determined not to let him see how much his closeness affected her.
He studied her for several long moments as Marina got more and more tense.
She had never seen Evan get angry or raise his voice before, but she knew she was interrupting his day and pushing his buttons.
After a lifetime of living with her volatile mother, she usually expected someone to shout insults at her if they were giving her this much scrutiny.
When he opened his mouth to speak, she flinched reflexively.
A shadow passed over his face. For a moment, he looked almost … sad. Then it was gone, and his usual neutral expression was back in place. “What’s wrong?” His voice was gentle.
“Did you not hear a word I said, Your Grace?”
His brow furrowed at the title, but any signs of his displeasure were gone in the next moment.
“I know, you want me to spend more time with my daughter, even though she has told me explicitly that she does not want to. However, I think there is something else that is bothering you. I don’t know why I think that, but I do.
” He sounded almost frustrated, as if he hated thinking something without understanding why he thought it.
She also disliked his intuition, which was unfortunately pretty accurate. She took a step away from him and crossed her arms in front of herself as if that could possibly make her less vulnerable. “I should have gone to finishing school in America after all.”
“Why? I thought you got seasick on long voyages.”
Did I tell him that? How in the world did he remember? “I might as well have gone to America with the amount of times I see my family,” she said.
“You can visit your sisters any time you want. I thought I had already made that clear.”
She glowered at him and took another step back. “How am I supposed to do that when I am busy holding up my end of the bargain? Unless I am allowed to take Lilly with me.”
“You know I will never agree to that,” he said. “But as long as you tell me ahead of time, the nanny can watch Lilly for a day.”
She had not expected him to be so agreeable, and it threw her a little off-kilter. But she wasn’t satisfied. “I had to give up my whole life to come here,” she said. “I never get to go to London anymore. You forced me to become a recluse, just like you.”
“I did no such thing.” He took a step closer to her. “Besides, I thought you did not like London society very much.”
“Well … no, I don’t.” She took another step back and realized she was leaning up against the closed door.
There was nowhere for her to go now. “But you know that, regardless of my ability to go where I please, I would not be able to enter society without being constantly bombarded with questions about you! It is more proper for a wife to attend places with her husband instead of going alone. But you refuse to leave this manor if you can help it.”
“It sounds to me that you tire of the constant questions and gossip-hunting of the ton as I do,” he remarked. “I do not see why you would even want to accept invitations if that is the case.”
Privately, she admitted that he was right.
The thought of ingratiating herself in society wasn’t appealing.
She found balls and garden parties a trifle dull on a good day.
Unfortunately, between her scandalous exposure at Lord Heeway’s party and being married off to the so-called Heartless Duke, she would most likely get an unbearable amount of attention in society now.
He stepped closer to her. He was so close that she could smell his clean, strangely comforting scent if she inhaled too deeply.
“Tell me what is really wrong,” he said.
“I know you are not truly cross about moving away from Lord and Lady Shirley, nor are you disappointed to stay away from London society.”
She bit her lip, feeling tears sting her eyes, much to her annoyance. Of all the times for that to be happening. She tried to mirror his calm, neutral demeanor. “I spent my entire life feeling invisible,” she said finally. “Now I feel invisible in my marriage. I don’t like it.”
“You’re not invisible,” he said, his voice soft.
“Not literally invisible, but—”
“I could not stop noticing you even if I tried.”
His words sent a shiver down her spine as her cheeks burned.
What was she supposed to do with a statement like that?
Do not say such things to me, or I will start thinking you care for me beyond my ability to mother your child.
If I start thinking … and wanting … such things, then I will just be disappointed by the impossible.
“I know you notice me. You’re very observant, after all. But I need more than that. I need a more … intimate connection.”
His eyebrows raised. “Intimate?”
Her cheeks heated up. “N—not like that. I know you are not … I mean, neither of us is interested in that.” She said it quickly, knowing she wasn’t quite telling the truth about her own interest.
He stepped closer, close enough for her to breathe in his scent. “Then what did you mean?” His voice was low and quiet, full of sincere curiosity.”
“I need more conversation than just reporting to you about Lilly,” she said. “Sometimes I feel like I’m merely your employee.”
He inclined his head. “My apologies. What do you want to converse about?”
“I don’t know! Anything.” Couldn’t we at least be friends, if not … anything more? The words were stuck in her throat, but maybe that was for the best. She already felt so exposed to him. She didn’t want to bear any more of her soul if she could help it.
She was so tense that she was holding her breath without realizing it.
Marina felt for the doorknob behind her and turned it.
The door swung open, and she stumbled backward, feeling lightheaded.
“You are clearly not very busy at the moment,” she said.
“I insist you come spend quality time with Lilly and me this afternoon.”
He regarded her thoughtfully, looking her up and down for a moment in a way that made goosebumps prickle over her skin. “I still have some work I need to do. But I will join you and Lilly for her next lesson.”
“I will come get you, then,” Marina said, satisfied with his answer, but also a touch uncertain. His closeness felt overwhelming to her. Heat rushed to her face, and her skin tingled as if she were expecting him to cup her cheek with his hand. Do not be silly. He would never.
“There’s no need.” He checked his pocketwatch. “I have her schedule memorized. I will have my work finished in time, and I will come to her nursery.”
Marina nodded. “Alright. Then I will see you then.” She spun on her heel and left, hoping he hadn’t seen how affected she had been by his proximity. She was only able to breathe properly once she had turned away from him.
Of course, he noticed. The man is dreadfully observant.
She shook her head as she went to Lilly’s nursery, and a small smile tugged on her lips. At least she would be able to surprise Evan with something. Unbeknownst to him, Lilly’s next lesson did not involve books or even being indoors. Instead, they were going fishing.