Chapter 15
fifteen
Reese
“Reese?”
I blink rapidly and dash away a tear before forcing my mouth into a smile and turning toward Megan.
Her eyes widen, and she hurries over. “Oh my gosh, are you okay?”
“Yeah!” My voice is high and wobbly. “Ridiculous to cry when I’ll probably see him in, like, two days, I know.”
“Cole left?” she asks, a v creasing her brow.
“He had an urgent work thing.” I hate lying. So much. Why did I ever think this was a good idea?
Megan watches me for a few seconds. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
To my annoyance, my eyes fill with tears again, and my throat thickens until it’s impossible to get out a single word.
Megan’s eyes fill with sympathy. She puts her arm around me and guides me down the hallway to her room, shutting the door behind us.
Tears are streaming down my face. The hose nozzle has been turned, and there’s no shutting it off now. It’s a steady stream—all the emotions I’ve been trying to stuff down since the breakup with Brady have bubbled up and are spilling over in front of the last person I’d choose to show them to.
Well, second to last.
Brady takes the bottom spot on that list.
Megan and I sit down on the bed together, and she puts her arm around me and rests her head against mine.
Half of me wants to tell her I’m fine, but the other half wants to unburden myself. And myself is a complete mess.
I just wanna be done with pretending. I’m so tired of trying to figure out what I can and can’t feel, say, and do.
“Cole and I aren’t dating.” I have to start somewhere, and that’s the part I’m struggling most with at the moment.
Megan pulls away and looks at me, her face full of concern. “You guys broke up?”
I shut my eyes and lower my head. “We were never dating in the first place.”
She’s quiet, and I look up. Her eyes are full of confusion.
I take in a breath and let it out slowly. “I brought him because I didn’t know how to face you and Brady alone.”
Her face crumples.
I look away because I don’t want pity. I just need this off my chest. I need to tell her the truth.
I’ve lost Cole. Maybe I’ll lose Megan too. But at least I won’t be pretending anymore.
“I was too embarrassed to come by myself,” I say. “Too…hurt.”
Her eyes shut and the arm around my shoulders drops.
There it is. I said it, and it’s already messing things up.
She takes my hand. “Reese, I’m so sorry. When Hannah told me you said I could bring Brady, I worried you’d just said it to be nice because you’re always so worried about making others happy. But then Hannah said you were bringing someone too, so I convinced myself you really were okay with it.”
I smile wanly. “No one could blame you. That’s what I wanted you to believe.”
She searches my eyes. “But you weren’t okay.”
I look at her for a second, then grimace.
She clenches her eyes shut. “I feel…terrible.”
“Which isn’t what I want,” I say. “I’ve honestly been confused by my reaction to all of this. It’s taken me this long to figure out why it’s bothered me. I think it’s a really weird mixture of humiliation and…and jealousy and being afraid I might lose you.”
Megan pulls me into a hug. “You could never lose me. I swear I never dreamed this is what would come of returning your stuff to Brady, and I never wanted to hurt you. Neither did he. He was positive you were unfazed by the breakup. I was…less positive. But you seemed so chill about it, and my feelings for him were growing, so I wanted to believe you. But it was really selfish of me.”
I shake my head, but it’s validating to hear this.
“Do you still have feelings for him?” she asks tentatively. “If you do, I’ll break up with him, Reese. I’ll—”
I put my hand on hers to stop her. “No. I don’t.”
Her eyes search mine. “You said you were jealous, though.”
“Not because I still want Brady, Meg. I’m jealous of what you have together.” I squeeze her hand. “And I already feel so much better having told you. I care about you so much, and I want you to be happy. Are you happy with Brady?”
She hesitates, then gives an apologetic nod.
I smile, and it’s not forced. Even though I’m cut up inside over Cole, I’m happy for Megan.
Telling her that it all hurt me has removed a huge weight I hadn’t even realized I was carrying.
I guess that’s what pretending is. A burden you don’t fully feel the weight of until you set it down.
“Then don’t let him go, okay?” I squeeze her hand.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t upfront with you about how I felt. ”
Her eyes glisten as she shakes her head. “I understand why. You wanted me to be happy, which means the world to me. I’m just sorry I hurt you. I let myself believe what I wanted to instead of listening to my conscience.”
“We’ll do better now,” I say.
She nods and smiles. “What about Cole?”
My gaze drops to my lap, and I shrug. “He left.”
“But you’re in love with him, right?”
“We barely know each other. We haven’t had time to fall in love.”
“But you did anyway.”
I look at her, my throat clogging again. “Yeah.”
She lets out a sigh. “Why would he leave? I’m positive he feels the same way about you.”
“He was acting, Meg. That’s what I’m telling you. He was my fake boyfriend for a couple days.”
She’s shaking her head before I’m even halfway through talking. “No. Sorry. You’re not gonna convince me of that. I say this as someone who loves you dearly, Reese, but…man, people in love are really dumb sometimes. Do you forget that I saw you guys kiss? Twice?”
“The mistletoe kiss was a performance.”
She snorts. “A performance where the actors forgot they had an audience. It almost felt illegal watching that. But even if it was a performance…what about that kiss in the snow?”
In an instant, Cole’s lips are on mine, his body pressed against me, heating me from above while cold filters through the towel on my back. “I thought that one was real,” I admit. “But you said it yourself—Cole knew you were watching.”
“Not until after the kiss. He was surprised when he saw me.”
I want to believe her so badly. “Then, why did he leave?”
Her shoulders lift. “I don’t know.”
I hardly hear her. My own question jogs a memory. Last night, he told me I should tell Megan how I felt. He said he’d give anything to tell his mom what it did to him and his family when he left—how he can’t even go on a third date because he’s scared of being left again.
Suddenly, it clicks.
Cole leaves so that he doesn’t get left.
And I let him. I let him go.