Chapter 31
31
Silas
Two and a half weeks had passed since Cash had left, and the pain in my chest hadn’t let up, which, quite frankly, surprised me. I’d never experienced the desire to spend every second with another person before and not having him around made me feel as though I was missing a vital part of myself. I’d also never had anyone come into my life and make me question everything—my sexuality, my lifestyle, my outlook on relationships, and my future.
As we traveled along the highway on our way to Pittsburgh, I couldn’t stop myself from glancing at his empty bunk, wishing he was still with me. I was so caught up in my own thoughts that when I finally tore my eyes away from the bed, I was surprised to find Jesse staring at me.
“You doing okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. Why?”
He shrugged. “You’ve been quieter than usual since Cash left and keeping to yourself. Just wanted to check in.”
It didn’t come as a shock that he and the others were worried about me. They probably thought I was struggling without my sober companion by my side and at risk of slipping into old habits. And I was struggling, but not with my sobriety. The only thing I was having a difficult time with was not seeing Cash every day, not feeling his lips against mine, and not falling asleep with him, where everything felt right.
I nodded. “It’s definitely been an adjustment not having someone watching my every move, but I’m good. Promise.”
Malachi studied me from across the table. He’d suspected something more was going on between me and Cash when I’d talked to him before. While I hadn’t actually confirmed it, I’d be an idiot to think he didn’t know what was going on in my head. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything in front of everyone else.
Jasper began passing out plates of chips and sandwiches since we weren’t stopping during the drive for lunch. The conversation changed to other topics like Jesse and Olivia’s wedding. I’d joked plenty of times about being over all the wedding talk, but it was hard not to look forward to the event when the two of them were so excited about it. Still, when they started to debate the style of chairs for the reception, I zoned out.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I read over my texts with Cash. Throughout the week, I’d sent him a couple asking how he was doing, telling him how my NA meeting in Atlanta went, and other mundane things.
His answers had been short, which I expected since he was busy settling in with his new client. But I couldn’t stop the little bit of worry in the back of my mind that he was pulling away from me and ready to move on. Maybe his new client was hot, flirty, and had already caught his eye.
What the hell was wrong with me? Insecure wasn’t a word anyone would ever use to describe me, so why was the situation with Cash messing with my head so much?
Before I could overthink things, I typed out a message:
Miss you
Several minutes passed while I waited for him to respond. I started thinking about how things might have gone when Cash stopped at his old apartment to grab his stuff. Had he seen my sister? Had they talked about what had happened the last time they had seen each other?
My thumbs hovered over the keyboard to ask him those questions, as I debated if I really wanted to bring up the topic of my sister. That was one thing I wasn’t sure how we’d handle if we were ever able to be something more.
Just as I was about to set my phone down, it buzzed:
I miss you too
His words both comforted me and broke my heart a little.
I’d never been to Pittsburgh before. Usually, I’d do some research to get an idea of what places I wanted to hit up in a new place, but my mind was still stuck on Cash.
“We should go out tonight,” Savannah suggested as our bus pulled into the hotel’s parking lot. “Somewhere we can dance.”
Elliott nodded. “I’m down.”
“Us too,” Jesse agreed as Olivia smiled.
“We’ll go for a bit,” Malachi added.
Elliott turned to me. “What about you?”
Part of me wanted to stay at the hotel, but I knew sitting in my room alone, moping, wasn’t the right thing to do. Besides, a night out was the perfect opportunity for me to prove to my friends and myself that I was able to handle any possible temptation without Cash there to keep me out of trouble.
“Yeah. I’ll go.”
After we dropped our stuff off in our rooms, we headed to the bar Savannah suggested. The second we walked in, I could feel eyes on us. We piled into a booth, and a server rushed over to take our drink order. As soon as she stepped away, some patrons crowded around our table asking for photos, but it didn’t take long for the bouncers to clear out the area around our table.
Once we had our drinks, the three couples decided to head out to the dance floor. Watching them dance while sipping my Sprite, my thoughts turned to Cash again. For more than two weeks, I had waited for some sort of sign from Cash that he was as torn up about us parting ways as I was. But what if I was waiting for nothing? What if he was already moving on, like I had worried about earlier?
Maybe I need to do the same or at least see if I could move on from him.
My eyes scanned the crowd and stopped on a blonde at the bar. She was hot, and her long, tanned legs piqued my interest. She flashed me a grin when she noticed me looking her way. I smiled back and slid out of the booth.
“Hey,” I greeted, leaning casually against the bar, flashing her a grin.
“Hey, yourself.” She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.
“Can I get you another drink?” I waved down the bartender.
“Sure. If you tell me your name first.”
It’d been a while since I’d approached a woman, I felt like I was off my game. “I’m Silas.”
“Amy.” She smiled.
“Nice to meet you, Amy.”
The bartender came over and took our drink order. We chatted for a few minutes as she enjoyed another rum and Diet Coke, and she trailed her fingers up and down my arm, letting me know she was interested in whatever I might offer. I didn’t pull away, but I wasn’t feeling that spark I was looking for either.
“I love this song,” she said suddenly, pulling on my hand. “Let’s dance.”
I let her lead me onto the dance floor, where she immediately pressed her full tits to my chest. We moved together, and it was clear she knew how to work her body, but it didn’t do much for me. Or for my dick, which barely took notice, even when she spun around and grinded her ass against me.
All I could think about was Cash.
As the song ended, she stopped moving and tipped her head back, her eyes sparkling with anticipation, practically begging me to kiss her. I took a step back, knowing I wasn’t going to take things any further.
She frowned. “Something wrong?”
“No. I’ve just got to be up early tomorrow,” I lied. “I should probably call it a night.”
I didn’t give her a chance to respond before I hightailed it out of there. When I stepped outside, I pulled out my phone and texted the guys, letting them know I was going back to the hotel. Then, I ordered a rideshare.
While waiting for the car to show up, I leaned against the brick building and took a deep breath. I knew what I wanted and decided I was ready to fight for him .
Back at the hotel, I sat on the edge of the bed and typed out a text on my phone:
You broke my dick
Not surprisingly, after a message like that, I received a response right away:
Cash: I did what?
My phone rang before I could reply, and my pulse kicked up when Cash’s name flashed on the screen.
“Hey,” I answered.
“Care to explain your text?” He snorted a laugh.
Letting out a sigh, I decided I should lay it all out there for him. “The last few days, I’ve sort of been in my head, and tonight I went out and thought maybe I could do something to help me forget that you aren’t here with me. ”
“What’d you do?” I could hear the panic in his voice. Given his job, he was likely thinking of the worst-case scenario.
“Oh, no, I didn’t do drugs or even drink,” I rushed out. “I just danced with a woman to see if I could move on. But my dick had zero interest.”
There was a pause before he asked. “Move on? Is that what you want to do?”
“We’ve barely talked the last couple of weeks, and to be honest, I was a little worried that’s what you were doing.”
“I haven’t moved on.”
“You haven’t?” Relief washed over me.
“No.” His answer was firm. “I’ve been thinking a lot about us too, and I think we have a lot to figure out. We should probably talk in person.”
“I could meet you in Boston when we finish in a few days,” I suggested, wondering if I sounded desperate but not really caring if I did.
“That’s a good idea.” I expected him to say more, but then I heard a knock followed by a muffled voice on his end. After a pause, he said, “My client needs me, so I need to go, but we’ll talk soon, okay?”
“Sure,” I replied, disappointed our conversation was cut short but also understanding he had a job to do. “Goodnight.”
“Night.”
The call ended, and I fell back on the mattress. We may not have figured shit out tonight, but for the first time since Cash left, I finally felt hope.