26
THE FOLLOWING EVENING, after a successful day of tours with plenty of whales watched, Leifur and Astrid called into her apartment to change before they headed to Gudrun and Olafur’s. On the way back out, Sol stuck her head out of her apartment.
‘Astrid! I’m so glad I caught you both.’ Astrid’s heart sank, wondering what she might want this time.
‘What can we do for you?’
‘I’m so grateful to you for helping with the flood the other day, I wanted to invite you to Thor’s bar on Thursday night. Drinks are on us to say thank you.’
‘Oh, that sounds great. We’re working every day this week, though, so I’m not sure —’
‘No, you have to come,’ Sol insisted. ‘Thursday’s the best night because it’s open mic night. It’s always great. You’ll really enjoy it.’
‘We’d love to,’ Leifur said, taking Astrid by surprise.
‘Fabulous! You know the place? Down by the harbour?’
‘I know it,’ Leifur said. ‘Thank you, we’ll see you on Thursday.’
‘You actually want to go to the open mic night?’ Astrid said once they were out of the building and walking towards Gudrun’s.
Leifur shrugged. ‘It’s supposed to be good. Remember, I told you Ned Nokes has played there. Isn’t he friends with your sister?’
She remembered the conversation at her housewarming party. And Gudrun had mentioned an open mic night a few times, but Astrid hadn’t put two and two together.
‘Yes, he and Brun play together.’
‘Have you met him?’
‘No. Are you a secret Ned Nokes fan?’
Leifur looked sheepish. ‘I like the stuff he’s done since he went solo. I’m not a fan of The Rush.’
‘I’d be worried if you were.’
Gudrun answered the door and ushered them into the kitchen. ‘We’re eating straight away since you three need to be up early.’
‘What are you doing tomorrow, Olafur?’ Leifur asked.
‘I’m taking a group on a glacier hike. Pick-ups start at five from the hotels.’
‘He doesn’t mind the early starts,’ Gudrun said, placing an enormous dish of lasagna in the middle of the table.
‘I’ll be glad when the days draw out a bit more and we’re not getting up in the dark,’ said Astrid.
Gudrun looked at her questioningly, and she realised she’d said “we”.
‘This looks delicious, Gudrun,’ said Leifur.
‘Thank you. How are you finding Astrid’s cooking?’
He smiled at Astrid, letting her know he was okay with being questioned. ‘She’s pretty good. We’re not thinking too much about food, though.’
Astrid almost choked on her mouthful of lasagna, such was her surprise and delight in his answer. Gudrun looked at him with admiration, which amused Astrid all the more.
‘You’re living together?’ Gudrun said when she dragged Astrid into the lounge on the pretence of showing her something. Olafur and Leifur were washing up.
‘Sort of, although not in the sense that we decided to live together. We’re just together all the time.’
‘Oh my god. It’s been two weeks, As. That’s the speed of light, especially for you.’
‘What do you mean, especially for me?’
‘No offence,’ said Gudrun, making Astrid feel her first reaction, to be offended, had been correct. ‘But you haven’t really had a serious relationship, have you, unless you kept it a secret from me?’
Astrid wished she’d made an effort to keep this one a secret.
‘No, but it’s been an intense few weeks. We’ve spent so much time together, I suppose it’s progressed quicker than if we saw each other a couple of times a week.’
‘That makes sense. Even so, it seems serious already. What are you going to do when you leave?’
When she left. That hadn’t even been a possibility, but the email she’d had from the Costa Rica research team, that she’d forgotten about until this morning, might change that.
‘I have something to tell you. I haven’t told Leifur yet because I don’t know what to do.’
‘You’ve got another job,’ said Gudrun.
Astrid didn’t bother asking her sister how she’d jumped to that conclusion, because she was right.
‘A three-month contract on a research vessel in Costa Rica.’
‘When?’
‘Next week.’
‘Next week?’
‘Shhh,’ Astrid said, looking at the kitchen door. ‘I know. I don’t even know if Jonas will let me out of the contract, and even if he does, I’m leaving them in the lurch.’ And leaving Leifur before the end of the summer .
‘You know Jonas will let you out of the contract,’ Gudrun said confidently. ‘But is it what you want?’
‘It’s an amazing opportunity, but I’m not sure I want to leave now.’
‘Because of Leifur?’
Astrid nodded. ‘And if I tell him about it, he’ll encourage me to take it even if that’s not what he wants.’
‘And that makes him a great guy.’
‘I know. I love him.’
Gudrun sighed. ‘This is a huge decision. You can’t change your plans for a guy you’ve only known for a few weeks.’
‘I know that too. At least my head knows that.’
‘It’s the first time you’ve been in love, As. How can you know he’s the one if you have nothing to compare it to? You can’t stay here and work on a tour boat forever instead of following your dreams.’
‘I don’t know what my dreams are anymore. But I do know that being with Leifur is a dream I didn’t know I had. I don’t know how I can tell him I’m leaving.’
‘He’ll understand.’
Gudrun was probably right. He would understand, even if he didn’t like it, but that didn’t make it any easier to tell him, or to be sure it was the right decision.
Astrid slumped onto the sofa and, after a moment, Gudrun sat next to her.
‘I’m thrilled that you and Leifur are together. I really like him, and I can see he makes you happy. What I’m saying is that until now, you’ve loved your work and you had no plans to change course. It should be the easiest decision in the world.’
‘I do love my work, and I never thought I needed a relationship to make me happy. But now, I look back and realise that I wasn’t as happy as I am now.
I might not have much experience of being in love to compare that against, but I know how I feel, Gudrun.
I’m happy. And on some level, I wonder whether that’s all that matters? ’
Gudrun hugged her. ‘You’re right. It’s so important. I just worry that a couple of weeks is not long to base a big decision on.’
‘Leifur and I have talked about this. We agreed we’d have the summer, and now I’m going back on that promise.’
‘It’s only three months. You could come back afterwards and pick up where you left off.’
‘It’s not fair. I can’t ask him to wait for me.’
Astrid led the way back into the kitchen, giving Leifur a broad smile when he flashed her a concerned look. She’d have to talk to him about it later. Now that she’d told Gudrun, she realised she’d already decided to leave Reykjavik.
‘Leifur was saying you’re coming to the open mic night on Thursday,’ Olafur said. ‘Should be a good night. Ned and Anna are back this week, so I expect Ned and Brun will play a few songs.’
‘Oh, that sounds great,’ Astrid said.
‘It’s a good night out,’ said Gudrun. ‘Do you play anything, Leifur?’
‘Only the harmonica. One of the crew on the boat had a guitar, so it was good to while away the time.’
‘Perhaps you should join in on Thursday?’ Gudrun said.
Leifur held his hands up and shook his head. ‘Absolutely not. I’m looking forward to watching, not taking part.’
‘I’m with you there,’ said Olafur. ‘My idea of hell, having to stand up in front of everyone and do that.’
‘You kind of do that every day at work,’ Astrid said. ‘I actually love that part myself, and I didn’t know if I would be any good at it.’
‘I suppose I do,’ said Olafur. ‘If you love what you’re talking about it’s easy, right? ’
‘Exactly. I love working with people, guests. It’s so satisfying,’ said Astrid.
‘Not all the time,’ said Olafur, laughing.
‘Maybe not.’ She told him the story of the woman with the checklist.
‘Ah, yes. We have had people ask us to take them to the spot where they can see the purple aurora. I guess it’s important to remember that’s what we’re there for.
To inform people. That’s why they come on a tour.
But you’ll always get people who get cross if they don’t get what they were expecting, even if what they’re expecting is impossible. ’
‘You love the customer service stuff? I do too. I never thought you’d enjoy that,’ Gudrun said.
‘Neither did I. It’s taken me by surprise.’
‘You could have worked for me after all.’
‘I’m not sure I’d do as well talking about candles and cushions. The whales have got something to do with why I like it.’
As they said goodnight, Gudrun gave Astrid a tight hug. ‘Love you,’ she whispered in Astrid’s ear.
‘Love you,’ she whispered back.
‘Do you think I’m winning your sister over?’ Leifur asked as they walked hand in hand back to Astrid’s apartment.
‘Definitely.’ She paused, knowing she couldn’t wait any longer. ‘She thinks you’re the right man for me because you’ll understand.’
‘Understand what?’
‘When I tell you I’ve been offered a job and will need to leave next week.’
Leifur stopped and looked at her, his face grief-stricken. ‘Next week? But what about the summer?’
They sat down on someone’s garden wall.
‘I wanted the summer too, but this is an amazing opportunity. I applied for it when I was still in Troms?. I didn’t think I had a chance because my specialism is with North Atlantic mammals, but it turns out they’re keen to include the different migratory patterns between the northern and southern hemispheres in their study.
It’s only for three months.’ Inside, her heart was screaming, three months?
How will that be possible? You can’t survive without him for three months.
And now she’d said it out loud, nothing would be the same again.
‘Of course you should take it,’ he said, with no enthusiasm or feeling.
And this was what she’d expected. He’d say it was fine because he wouldn’t want to stand in her way.
She knew his heart was breaking because hers was too, but he wouldn’t admit it.
She could already tell his heart was closing ranks to protect him.
He was distancing himself even before she’d told him her decision.
‘I’m having trouble seeing past the fact that I want to be with you, Leifur.
I know this is a great opportunity, but things have changed for me since I came here, since I met you.
’ He had to know that it wasn’t easy for her either.
That she wasn’t waltzing off to Costa Rica without a backward glance.
‘You’re not made to stay here forever, Astrid, we both knew that. It’s easy to fall in love but not so easy to stay in love in the face of opportunities like this.’
‘It doesn’t mean I’m not in love with you anymore,’ she said, wanting to push back against what she knew was his instinct for self-preservation.
He looked at her with such tenderness in his eyes. She knew he was battling to say what he thought was the right thing over what he felt in his heart. ‘I can’t be in love with you. I can’t wait for you to come back because you might not come back, and that’s okay. It means we’re not meant to be.’
A sob came out, unintentionally, and Leifur put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him, comforting her even though she was the one doing all the hurting. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘Come on. Let’s go.’
They walked back to her apartment in silence, their arms wrapped around each other in comfort.
She could hardly believe that this was going to lead to anything good.
Nothing was worth this. She’d hurt the only man she'd ever loved.
Driven him away, although he was too generous to treat her as she deserved and leave.
At the door to the apartment building, she opened it and stepped inside, but Leifur stayed outside.
‘I’m going to sleep on the boat.’
‘No, please…’
‘I need to be alone. I’ll see you in the morning.’ He gave a small smile, turned and left.
Astrid gulped down a sob, closed the door and ran up the stairs two at a time until she was in her own apartment and could cry for what she’d done to him.
What she’d done to herself, because what she’d said to Gudrun earlier was still true.
These past few weeks had been the happiest of her life.
It had taken over thirty years to make that happen, and now she’d ruined it in the space of less than an hour.
What if the Costa Rica trip wasn’t her dream job after all?
She’d have lost everything. And how would Leifur ever trust her again even if she came back, and they picked up where they left off?