27
‘IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?’ Eva asked Leifur on Wednesday morning.
He knew he looked awful. It was just as well he had stayed on the boat because he’d spent most of the night awake and angry with himself, and if he’d stayed with Astrid, he’d have put a brave face on and been feeling much worse for that.
‘I didn’t sleep very well,’ he said.
‘Is Astrid okay? You usually arrive together.’
He laughed because despite everything, it was funny that he and Astrid had tried to keep their relationship away from work, even timing their arrival every morning to be before Eva, and yet she knew. ‘She’ll be in.’
Astrid arrived just before the first guests. Unusually, she was wearing makeup, which he assumed was so that she could look halfway better than he did.
‘Good morning,’ he said, smiling. He felt a lot better now that he’d had all night to think about it.
There was no point in hoping she’d change her mind and stay, because even if she did, she would never be here for good.
He also knew that falling out of love with her was going to be the hardest thing ever, and he wasn’t going to even try until she’d gone.
‘Morning. Are you okay? I mean, I know you’re not, but are we going to be okay today?’
‘Of course we are. Let’s have a normal day and talk about it tonight.’
‘ Hae , Astrid. Are you okay? You both look awful,’ Eva said.
They both laughed, and Leifur was glad that they were on the same page and could work together whatever else was going on.
‘I don’t get the joke,’ said Eva, shaking her head and going below deck.
‘I’ll tell her later,’ said Astrid. ‘I’m going to ask Jonas whether he’d consider letting her step up to do the commentary. What do you think?’
‘It’s a great idea. She’s already been trained by you, and it’s easier to find someone to run the galley than it is to find a marine biologist.’
Thankfully, the day went to plan, which Leifur was grateful for because although he had somewhat come to terms with the situation, he wasn’t in the mood to deal with anything out of the ordinary.
‘Shall we pick up some fish and chips and take them home?’ Astrid suggested after they left the boat for the day.
He tried not to think too hard about how she’d said home as if that was actually the case. ‘Sure. Good idea.’
While she dished the food up onto plates, he took two beers from the fridge and popped the tops. This was probably going to be tough, however much he thought he’d come to terms with it last night.
‘I emailed them this morning and accepted the job,’ she said.
‘That’s good.’
She looked at him as if he’d said something wrong, and suddenly he realised that the conversation they’d had last night was about to continue.
‘Do you think this is okay, Leifur? Do you care that I’m leaving?
’ She had tears in her eyes, and he wanted to ask her why she would think that on any level he would be happy about her leaving.
But he didn’t because it was her decision and what he wanted couldn’t factor into it.
She knew he loved her, and she knew he wasn’t leaving Iceland.
If he had to remind her of that to make her stay, then she would never be his anyway.
‘I want you to be happy. If this is what you want, you have to go for it.’
‘It takes away our summer.’ Tears were spilling from her eyes now.
He reached over and wiped her cheek gently with his thumb.
‘This summer is not our only chance. If it’s meant to be, we’ll have more than a summer in the end.
’ He wanted to believe that they were destined to be together, and that this was a blip on the road designed to test them.
To give them certainty about their feelings for each other.
He’d never believed in destiny before, but now the hope that even if she left now, she might come back someday was all he had.
And he’d wait. He wouldn’t tell her that because it was unfair to place an expectation on her. But he’d be here if she ever came back.
‘Am I taking this job because it’s what I should do? I want to know I’m choosing the right thing, and at the moment I can’t think straight. Costa Rica should be my dream job, but it feels like I’ll be leaving everything behind.’
She leant into him, and he cradled her head against his chest, willing her to know that if he thought it was fair, he’d be telling her to listen to her heart.
And at the same time, he wanted to scream because did she know how it felt having to comfort her when everything she was doing was killing him?
‘The only way to be sure is to take the job. If you’re on the research boat in Costa Rica and desperately missing the humpback whales in Faxaflói Bay, you’ll be certain that coming back to Reykjavik is the right decision.’
‘You think I should do it?’
He exhaled. He had to be patient, but she’d already told him she’d taken the job. It’d be so much easier for them both if she would accept that she’d decided and move on without dwelling on it. Then at least they could try to enjoy the time they had left together. ‘You know I can’t tell you that.’
She pulled away from him and smiled, tears still shining in her eyes. ‘Thank you. I know you’re trying not to be a part of this decision. And it only makes me love you all the more.’
Leifur spent another night on Brimfaxi . He could have stayed with Astrid; she wanted him to, but he needed some space to lick his wounds. Again.
The first two tours on Thursday went perfectly. The weather was fine, cloudy with patches of glorious sunshine, and only the gentlest breeze. Then, as they left the harbour for the third tour of the day, something happened and the engine died.
Leifur came out of the wheelhouse and beckoned Astrid over from the bow where she’d been about to start her safety announcement.
‘I’m going down to the engine room to see if it’s something I can sort out myself. Otherwise, we’ll have to get towed back in.’
‘How long before you’ll know?’
‘Give me five minutes.’
He headed below deck. In his experience, there were two or three things that caused the engine to cut out, and he was confident he could fix one or more of them and have Brimfaxi back on her way.
He checked the fuel line first, and it was fine.
The spark plugs were still clean from when he’d done the scheduled maintenance a few weeks ago.
The next thing he checked were the fuel filters, and there was the problem.
Considering he changed them a few weeks ago, there was no way they should be clogged, but they were.
That meant there was water getting into the fuel system somehow, or the fuel was contaminated.
Either way, they were going to need towing back into port because he didn’t have spare filters on the boat, and even if he did, it wasn’t a five-minute job to change them.
‘It’s not anything I can fix,’ he told Astrid. ‘I’m going to radio the harbour master. Do you want me to explain to the guests?’
‘I can do that. I never thought something like this would happen. We’ll have to bump them onto tomorrow’s tour, and then I suppose we bump every group onto the next day…’
‘We’re still catching up from last Sunday, so maybe we need to run an extra tour on Monday to catch up.’
‘We had extra time off this week because of the weather, and now it’s payback time,’ she said with a rueful smile.
While they waited, the guests went below deck, and Astrid and Eva made drinks for them and entertained the guests as best they could until they could be on their way again.
Leifur waited in the wheelhouse. He’d reported the engine failure and requested a tow back into the harbour, but that was going to take some time. But another whale-watching company was going to send out a couple of its rigid inflatable boats to take the guests back to the quay.
‘They’re here to take the guests,’ he said to Astrid. ‘You and Eva should go too.’
‘I’m not leaving you alone.’
He relented. It was basic health and safety. ‘Okay, thanks. I don’t know how long it’ll take, though.’
‘If you’d rather Eva stayed…’
‘Astrid,’ he said softly.
She turned and left, and he sighed. Was this going to be a repeat of last night because he wasn’t sure he could listen to her going back and forth anymore about a decision she’d already made?
They gathered on deck and helped the guests transfer into the RIBs, then he and Astrid waved them off.
‘Coffee?’
‘That sounds good,’ he said.
‘I’m sorry about last night,’ she began. ‘I shouldn’t have landed my indecision on you. It wasn’t fair.’
‘It’s okay.’
‘No, it isn’t. I hurt you, and I was asking you to help me feel better about that.’
‘Hey, don’t be hard on yourself. I understand.’
She brought the coffee over and set it on the table, taking the seat across from him.
‘You’re too good,’ she whispered, staring into her coffee.
‘I’m not as good as you think. I was this close,’ he held up his finger and thumb, ‘to begging you to stay.’
‘Really?’
He nodded. ‘I don’t want to lose you, but I also won’t be the person who stands in the way of your dreams.’
She moved around the table and sat on his lap, looping her arms around his neck. ‘Is this okay?’
‘Of course. My feelings haven’t changed. Have yours?’
‘No. If anything, the thought of not being together anymore has made me realise how much I love you.’
For her to say she loved him now made it bittersweet to hear. He put a hand on the back of her neck and gently pulled her to him, kissing her tenderly, moving from her lips to her neck.
‘Leifur… this will make it harder.’
‘It’ll be hard anyway.’
She answered him by tipping her head back and accepting the kisses that he dropped onto her neck.
This wasn’t going to make it harder. But if it did, he was willing to take the risk for the extra time together.
More time to remind him he could be loved, even if the love wasn’t strong enough to triumph.
They found each other’s lips, switching from soft caresses to needy, breathy kisses.
‘Come on.’ She took his hand and led him into the forward berth.
He had mixed feelings about that, given it was most recently where he’d spent the night heartbroken, but perhaps this would help vanquish those memories.
‘You’re sure?’ He had to ask. While he was ready — as ready as he could be — to accept the fate of their relationship, he wasn’t sure it was going to help Astrid in the same way.
‘No expectations.’ He hoped that made his position clear; he wasn’t holding her to anything, or reading anything into the fact that they were about to make love.
He wanted this and wasn’t willing to use more words that might talk her out of it.
‘Goodbye sex.’
That stung, but they were just words in the heat of the moment, and he forced himself to remember that not five minutes ago she’d told him she loved him.
‘I love you,’ he breathed into her neck as they lay on the bed in the cabin, the slight roll of the waves adding to the rhythm they were in.
‘Leifur… I love you.’
They made love more slowly than they’d done before, with the care of two people who knew it might be the last time. The playful and light-hearted love they’d shared until now had changed into something deeper, full of intention and tenderness.
‘I don’t want to make things harder by adding hope into the mix, but if I come back afterwards…’
‘We should take the weeks we’ve had and hold them close, but we can’t let ourselves be guided by them. It wouldn’t be right.’
‘It wouldn’t be fair,’ she whispered with a small nod. ‘It’s like asking you to wait for me.’
He nodded and gently pushed her hair behind her ear so that he could see her face. ‘Don’t look back when you go, Astrid.’
She nodded, her face crumpling into a sob before she buried it in his shoulder. He took a deep breath. He didn’t need to cry anymore, but that didn’t mean his heart wasn’t breaking watching Astrid.
It wasn’t long before the boat arrived to tow them, announcing its arrival with a blast of its horn. Astrid, who’d fallen asleep, stirred as he got up and pulled his clothes on.
‘Hey, we need to go up.’
‘Okay. I’m coming.’
He headed up to the deck feeling better. Loving someone for three weeks, however fiercely, would not be his undoing. Not when he’d worked so hard to build his new life. He had to keep moving on, and work through the pain. And that was something he knew how to do.