28
‘I WISH WE could blow off tonight.’ Astrid said when they had been towed back to the harbour. She was helping Leifur replace the fuel filters. Not exactly helping, but watching and passing tools when he asked for them.
‘Why don’t we? We’re going to end up being late by the time I go home and get changed.’ He was oily and probably tired.
‘You don’t have to go home. You could come to my place.
Some of your clothes are on the chair in my bedroom.
’ This afternoon in the forward berth had been very cathartic, and although she was still heartbroken at leaving him, she had come to terms with her decision enough to know that he was right.
It was going to be hard whatever happened, so what point was there in staying away from each other?
‘So you do want to go?’
‘We don’t have much time left. It might be fun.’
‘We don’t have much time left, so you want to spend it with other people?’
‘I know you were looking forward to seeing Ned Nokes. I want that for you.’
Leifur guffawed into the engine. ‘You got me.’
They were both exhausted when they got back to Astrid’s, even though they hadn’t been out much longer than a normal day in the end. Astrid defrosted some soup and warmed some bread in the oven.
‘Sorry, I haven’t got anything else in. You’ll have to fill up on bread,’ she said.
‘It’s delicious, thank you.’
They ate in comfortable silence, then Leifur said, ‘I won’t stay tonight.’
They hadn’t discussed the fact that he hadn’t stayed since she had told him about the job.
Tonight felt like any other night when they’d got in from work, so she guessed that’s why he’d said it, because he needed her to know that despite what had happened that afternoon, things had changed between them.
‘Okay. But you know you could.’
‘I know.’
Maybe this afternoon had been the last time.
And if it was, that would be okay. It had been a goodbye of sorts and made her realise that her decision had been made.
Of course, she had already decided. She’d be flying to New York on Tuesday for the flight to Central America, and she’d emailed Jonas yesterday to ask if she could leave, but it hadn’t stopped her from ruminating on the whole thing, going over and over it.
Until this afternoon. Now, she felt more peaceful about it.
Perhaps because she knew Leifur loved her, and that was something she didn’t have to leave behind.
She could take that with her because that was hers forever, even if his heart couldn’t be.
They called for Sol on their way out, as they’d arranged. Thor was already at the bar.
‘He’s saved us a table,’ Sol said when they got there. The place was heaving, and they made their way through the people standing around the bar area, those who hadn’t got a table, to the front where there were tables and chairs all facing the stage.
‘Hey!’ Gudrun waved from a table at the far side.
‘We’ll just go and say hello,’ Astrid said to Sol, who was heading in Thor’s direction anyway.
‘I’ll get the drinks,’ said Sol. ‘Our table is the one next to Gudrun’s.’
Leifur followed Astrid over to where Gudrun and Olafur were sitting with the rest of their friends.
‘That’s Ned over there,’ said Gudrun, nodding to the side of the stage where Brun was holding a guitar and saying something about it to Ned.
‘He looks different in real life,’ said Astrid.
‘I think it’s just that he lets himself relax here,’ said Gudrun.
‘I didn’t know he wore glasses,’ said Astrid.
‘Those are for me,’ said a woman over Gudrun’s shoulder.
‘This is Anna, Ned’s partner. Anna, this is my sister Astrid and her friend Leifur.’
‘Great to meet you both,’ said Anna. ‘Are you joining us?’
‘No, but we’re on the table next to you.’
‘Thor and Sol live downstairs from Astrid,’ Gudrun explained. ‘So they’ve got the VIP treatment tonight.’
‘How is it being back in Reykjavik?’ Anna asked Astrid.
‘I’ve loved it, but I’m leaving for a new job on Tuesday.’
‘Just a flying visit, then.’
‘Yes, in the end.’ Although it had been so much more than that. It was life-changing in the sense that she’d fallen in love for the first time ever, taken on the challenge of working with guests and found she loved it, and connected with her sister properly.
‘I love it here but mainly because I don’t live here all the time,’ said Anna. ‘I can’t cope with the winters, but I guess that’s not why you’re leaving since you must be used to them. ’
‘I don’t mind the weather,’ said Astrid. ‘I go where the work takes me, and since I specialise in North Atlantic mammals, it’s usually cold.’
‘Why are you going to Costa Rica, then?’ Gudrun asked, frowning.
‘I’m joining a study on southern hemisphere humpback whales. They’re migrating to warmer places during the southern hemisphere winter.’
‘You’re going to Costa Rica?’ Rachel said, joining in the conversation. ‘Jonas never told me that. How amazing!’
‘It’ll be interesting having had some close encounters with the northern hemisphere humpbacks over the past couple of weeks,’ said Astrid. ‘And it’s the rainy season in Central America so it’s probably just a warmer version of bad weather.’
‘Did I hear my name?’ Jonas said, appearing next to Rachel and putting his arm round her.
‘You didn’t tell me Astrid’s going to Costa Rica.’
‘Didn’t I?’
Rachel rolled her eyes. ‘It’s typical. I’m sure half the conversations he has with me only happen in his head.’
Jonas laughed. ‘I know I said it in my email, but I’m sorry to see you go,’ he said to Astrid, moving between everyone to give her a hug. ‘You set us off with high standards, and it’ll be tough to fill your shoes.’
‘Will you ask Eva to take over?’
‘I’m going to see if we can find another qualified marine biologist, but Eva has agreed to take over in the short term.’
‘That’s great. And Jonas, thank you for offering me the job. I never imagined I’d love it as much as I do.’ It was still a constant surprise to her that even with twenty-plus tours under her belt now, she never found it boring.
‘I had a visit from your brother today,’ Jonas said, turning to Leifur, who’d been chatting to Olafur .
Astrid felt Leifur stiffen next to her.
‘I’m sorry,’ Leifur said. ‘He asked me to see if there were any jobs going, but I haven’t had a chance to talk to you about it.’
It made Astrid sad that Leifur felt the need to apologise for his brother.
‘No problem at all,’ said Jonas. ‘He’s a nice guy who’s had a run of bad luck, by the sounds of it. Anyway, I said I’d keep him in mind if anything came up.’
‘Thanks. I appreciate it.’
‘I hear you had engine trouble today.’
‘The filters were clogged. All sorted now, but we had to get a tow into the harbour, so there’ll be a bill for that heading our way.
And we had to offer the guests a tour tomorrow, which means some guests will need bumping over.
I spoke to Siggi, and he was going to sort all of that out this afternoon.
I said we’d do an extra sailing on Monday to help out. ’
‘I appreciate that, and I’m sure Siggi did too. Makes it a bit easier to sort out.’
Thor climbed onto the stage and stood waiting for the crowd to notice him and quieten down a bit. Astrid and Leifur sat down at their table.
‘They’re about to start,’ said Sol, slipping into the seat next to Leifur. ‘Thor introduces the acts, and he’ll sit with us because the bar won’t be so busy once it starts.’
‘Welcome!’ Thor said, his voice coming through the speakers and causing everyone to cheer. ‘We’re going to start with one of your favourite acts. Let’s hear it for Ned and Brun!’
Ned Nokes and Brun came onto the small stage, both carrying guitars and grinning.
‘Good evening!’ Ned said, and everyone cheered. ‘We’re going to kick off with one of our favourites. This song was born here, and we always think of you guys when we play it. ’
Everyone cheered as if they knew what was coming, whereas Astrid and Leifur looked at each other and shook their heads because they had no idea.
But when the song started, they recognised it.
It was a beautiful love song that had been popular a couple of years ago and had been a sensation amongst Icelandic people because some of the lyrics were in Icelandic.
Astrid felt Leifur’s hand move onto her thigh, under the table. Without hesitation, she took it and gave it a squeeze. She didn’t need him to say anything to know that he felt the same way as she did; sat listening to the first love song they’d heard together, but for the last time.
When everyone clapped and cheered at the end, Astrid leaned into him and said, ‘That’s our song.’
He nodded and smiled, and Astrid wondered how she was going to leave him without looking back.
He was everything she never knew she wanted in a partner.
She was throwing away the only love that had come her way so far in her life, and for what?
Okay, for an amazing opportunity to work on a significant research project that would hopefully lead to other opportunities in the future.
However she span it, however she talked herself in and out of staying in Iceland, the fact was that she didn’t want her career to end on a whale-watching tour boat at thirty-five.
She’d loved it, had been surprised at how much she got from the interaction with the guests and how good it felt to share the knowledge she’d built up.
But deep down she knew it wouldn’t be enough for her.
And she didn’t want to risk the day coming where she’d resent Leifur for being the reason she chose it.
That’s exactly why he’d told her not to look back, because he didn’t want that either.
So at the end of the night when it felt like the most natural thing in the world to walk back to her apartment hand in hand, they said goodbye and Leifur headed off to Brimfaxi for another evening in the forward berth.
‘He’s not staying at yours tonight?’ Sol asked. They were walking back together while Thor stayed behind to close up.
‘No, I’m leaving on Tuesday for a new job in Costa Rica.’
‘That’s such a shame. We’ve only just got to know each other. And what about you and Leifur?’
‘We’re not going to do long distance,’ said Astrid. ‘Reykjavik isn’t really my home. I thought it could be for the summer at least, but I don’t know if I’ll come back after this job finishes.’
‘Not even to pick up with Leifur again?’
‘It’s too much to ask him to wait when I don’t know when I’ll be back. We decided it’s better to have had a great time together but call it a day.’
‘Oh my god, that sounds so thought through. Aren’t you going to miss him like mad?’
‘Yes.’ Her heart ached thinking about it. They only had three more days on the boat together.
‘I’ve been meaning to explain about the pregnancy tests in the toilet cistern.’
‘Sol, you don’t have to.’
‘Months ago, I thought I was pregnant and I was worried Thor would find the test so I hid it but then before I could take the test, I got my period and then forgot to take them out.’
‘Are you guys trying?’
‘Not really. We’ve talked about it but we’re not trying yet.’
‘I can’t imagine knowing when the right time would be.’
‘I know. That’s part of the problem. So you and Leifur, is it the real thing?’
‘It’s the closest I’ve ever got.’
‘I’d never be able to leave if I felt like that, but then I’ve never had a career like yours. Do you think you’ll ever settle back here one day? ’
‘I’ve never really thought about it. It’s hard to know in this career where you’re going to end up.
It could be teaching, it could be working in a research institute or for a charity.
Until now I’ve taken the next step when I had to without planning ahead but now, I’m starting to realise that if I want to settle down anywhere, I need to make some longer term decisions. ’
‘Probably,’ Sol agreed. ‘It’s hard falling in love and then having to leave, especially when it’s someone as lovely as Leifur.’
‘It is, but it’s harder imagining staying in one place for the rest of my life.’
‘You’re doing the right thing then.’ Sol linked her arm in Astrid’s. ‘You’ll never be happy if you compromise on the things that are most important to you. You love Leifur, but going all in and giving up your career based on knowing him for a few weeks is crazy in anyone’s world.’
Astrid nodded. Sol was talking complete sense, and in her heart she knew she was doing the right thing, but that didn’t make it easy.