Chapter 22 New Roommate #3
She reached into her purse, pulled something out, and tossed it on the coffee table. It was a bag of cocaine. Jack went pale. Jane started crying from the noise, and Naya tried to calm her down. All I could do was stare.
“I was having a party,” Vivian informed us, “and he showed up, and I caught him buying that.”
“I didn’t take any of it!” Jack rushed to say.
“But you bought it! And once again, it’s because you’re upset over Jenna! I told you if you got back with her, you’d fall into the same trap, Ross. I know you, and I don’t like to be right, but…”
The unmistakable sound of paper tearing made everyone stop and turn. My notes, my precious notes—in a rage, I was tearing them to shreds. My fists were shaking as I began screaming, “I. CAN’T. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE. I’m sick of this shit!”
“Not in front of the baby!” Will chastised me.
“To hell with the baby! You think the baby knows what a swear word is? You think a creature that can’t do anything but eat, sleep, and piss in a diaper is really worried about hearing a bad word?
You think a word matters to that baby more than the fact that every single person in this house is fucking insane?
That’s right, I said everyone! I can’t take it with your petty dramas any longer! ”
I’d never lost it like that, but it did something for me—I felt like a new person! My heart was pounding as all the exasperation of months flowed out of me.
“You don’t have to be like that,” Naya said.
“Oh, I don’t!” I turned toward her. “Who are you to tell me that? You haven’t stopped bitching for one second since Sue and I found you crying in the bathroom!
If it’s not the baby, it’s Will, if it’s not Will, it’s us, if it’s not us, it’s how you’ve chipped a nail, if it’s not your nails, it’s your goddamn cooking!
Nothing is ever good enough for you! You whine about literally everything!
Do you not notice that everyone else here gets by just fine without needing to be reassured every two seconds?
Maybe you should try comforting someone else for a change instead of constantly crying for everybody to come comfort you! ”
Hearing a throaty giggle, I turned to Sue, who pretended that she had been coughing. Too late. Now she had a target on her head.
“Something funny, Sue?” I hissed. “Because if I’m being honest with you, I’m over you never taking seriously any of the seventy million problems we have in this apartment.
You sit there in your chair like a queen and act like you’re so much better than us, like none of the things that bother us matter, and that gives you the right to laugh everything off.
Well, I’m sorry to bring you back down to earth, but you’re no better than anyone else here.
Being nasty doesn’t make you smarter than the rest of us, it’s just that you’re too weird to have friends of your own, so you don’t know what it means to worry about other people or care about them or get upset for them.
I don’t know if it’s because you’re scared of getting hurt or what kind of complex you’ve got that you can’t just open up, but you can get one thing through your head right now: you’re just as crazy as everyone else in here. ”
Mike had frozen, as though praying that if he played dead, he might be immune to the onslaught. But it didn’t work. He was my next victim, and I was far from finished.
“And you…kissing me! Seriously! Because if there is one thing you have got to know: Never, Mike, never in a million years would I ever dream of hooking up with you! And even if I would, are you really that much of a creep? Do you not have one ounce of respect for your brother? What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you such a loser that the only way you can feel good is to bring everyone down to your level? Has it ever once crossed your mind to try, I don’t know, being a better person?
What about telling your brother you’re sorry for constantly mooching, constantly putting him down in subtle ways, constantly treating whatever’s his like it’s yours?
You piss and moan all the time about how nobody loves you.
Maybe you could try to make yourself worthy of being loved! ”
I was hyperventilating by now. But I wasn’t done. I picked up the bag of cocaine and threw it back at Vivian. Surprised, she caught it in midair.
“As for you, don’t even get me started,” I said.
“Jack’s best friend—didn’t you call yourself that?
You’re supposed to be his best friend, and there you are rubbing your hands together with malicious joy at the thought that he might relapse.
Because that would give you the chance to talk more garbage about me and tell Jack once again how I left him in the lurch and how I’m such a bad influence.
Let me tell you something: I might have screwed up, but I’ve always treated Jack like an adult, while you’re running around in the background mommying him, picking up his phone and not telling him I’ve called, secretly trying to keep him away from his friends like he’ll relapse if he has to come in contact with reality.
And then, when he’s at his lowest, you what?
Go to bed with him! I may not know you, but I can see where you’re coming from, and that’s been true from the first time I met you.
I tried to keep a good attitude about you for Jack’s sake, but that’s over.
You may think I’m some dumb small-town girl, but I’ve seen right through you from the beginning.
And it’s past time you stopped judging others and took a look at yourself. ”
I was almost done. I only had one left. I took a deep breath before turning to Jack.
He had entered in a huff. Now he was cowed, waiting for his turn.
I think I even saw him shrink back when I looked at him, just before he sat down and defended himself: “Don’t start in on me! I didn’t do anything wrong!”
“Oh, you don’t think disappearing the entire night is doing anything wrong?
Or running away any time things get uncomfortable?
Or expecting me to always go chasing you down?
Has it ever occurred to you that facing your problems might help actually solve them, so you won’t have to drag them around forever?
When it comes to other people, you’re perfectly happy throwing their mistakes in their face, but I guess since you had a hard childhood, you’re not responsible for anything you do.
Look, I admit it: I left, I had secrets.
Fine, well you had secrets, too. So I didn’t tell you Mike kissed me.
I’m sorry, but I tried! And then when the truth came out, you ran away before I could apologize, and who did you run to but Vivian, to a party where you knew you might relapse.
Is that what you wanted? To fall down a black hole and have everyone worried and asking once again, Oh, no, what are we going to do about poor Jack?
Well, sorry, but it’s time to grow up and cut that shit out.
So the next time you’re upset, just come out and say it.
Because I can’t deal with this circus every time one of us makes a mistake. It was cute at first, but I’m over it.”
By that point, I could barely breathe. No one dared to talk to me but Sue, who said, “You’re a little—”
I cut her off. “I’m a little over it. You’re right.
I wanted one thing tonight: to look over my notes in peace so I wouldn’t bomb another fucking test. So even if everyone here seems to think I’m wasting my time, or that school is something I just do for fun and my grades don’t matter, please, let me get on with it. ”
I picked up the scraps of paper. The ones I’d torn, the ones Mike had stepped on, the ones Jane had put in her mouth. When I had them in a pile, I stomped off down the hall, turning back once to say, “All of you need to get your heads examined.”
I was grateful that no one stopped me, and even after I shut the door, there was a long silence.
When they did start talking again, I shut them out.
I had work to do. I opened up my laptop and transcribed everything.
At least that way, I wouldn’t have to worry about a baby drooling over all my hard work.
Hours must have passed by the time Jack knocked on the door and walked in. He was cautious. Whatever mission he thought he was on when he first arrived at the apartment, he had better ideas now.
“Hey,” he said.
He closed the door behind him and looked around. I think he was trying to find something he could joke about to break the ice, but when that didn’t work, he smiled innocently and began, “About what you said…”
“Do you really want to get into that again?” I asked.
“Not really, but… I just wanted to say…you’re not all wrong.
But also, I don’t think your degree is a waste of time.
I’m sure no one else does, either. It’s admirable that you’ve stuck it out, we all respect what you’re doing.
And the same goes for painting. I realize I was a dick about that.
I didn’t mean to be, I just say stupid shit sometimes. ”
He was bouncing back and forth from his heels to his tiptoes, intimidated, which wasn’t the way I was used to seeing him. He crossed his arms. “I know you’re waiting for me to say something, but I don’t know what.”
“You do, though,” I said. “Of course you do.”
He looked up at the ceiling. It was clearly painful for him to say those magic words. But when he realized he had no choice, he sighed with resignation. “I’m sorry.”
A smirk crossed my face, and I looked back down at my notes.
“Aren’t you going to say something?” he asked.
“I’m busy.”
He grumbled and started to walk out. Before he made it, I called out, “Jack?”
He looked back, curious.
“Were you really going to relapse?” I asked.
He hesitated. “For a minute, maybe. But then I stopped. I realized right away that I had a lot more to lose than I did to gain… Now keep hitting the books. I’ll let you know when dinner’s ready.”