3. Audra
Chapter 3
Audra
Three weeks later…
“Honey, don’t get me wrong, I love the new found mother-daughter time…” Here it comes. “But do you really think it’s healthy to be holed up in the house this long?” my mom questions, pushing a mug of coffee in front of me like some kind of peace offering.
I sigh into my mug before taking a sip. I briefly consider not drinking the coffee considering it’s almost dinner time, but— fuck it— I need it.
It’s been three weeks since that night at the Dawkins’ home, when Roman found me at the front door sobbing and soaked from the rain. Three weeks since I dropped the news of mine and Tyler’s breakup on everyone, then effectively fell off the face of the Earth.
Yeah, I might have been hiding out in my house avoiding everyone, but I check-in text my group chat with Ravyn and Ares everyday. They know that I’m okay, just not ready for visitors.
“I just needed a break from everything.” It’s the truth. The truth I’m comfortable sharing anyway. I did need a break. I felt so overwhelmed with everything after Tyler that I turned off my phone and went full recluse mode. To be fair, it was only supposed to last maybe a day or two. But every time I turned my phone back on, I had texts from Tyler.
They ranged from apologies, to threats, back to apologies, and then more threats when I didn’t respond to the apologies. Suddenly, it seemed easier to keep it off and ignore everything for three weeks.
“Except for work. You know I never need a break from the rescue,” I add. The only time I left the house these last three weeks was to go to work at the marine rescue and then come straight home. ‘Work at the marine rescue’ makes my job sounds cooler than it is. I don’t get to assist on rescues or anything, I just do paperwork. But, when I’m on break or when I’m having a bad day, my boss, Maryanne lets me go see the animals.
My mom sets her mug down gently. She reaches across the island, wrapping her hands around mine, which are currently clutching the mug sitting on the counter letting its warmth sink into my hands.
“As your mom, I feel like it’s my job to let you know when it’s time to get back to your life.” She squeezes my hands and lets go, grabbing her own mug and the book she’s currently reading from the counter. “And Audi? It’s time,” she says, dropping a kiss on top of my head before walking back to her own room.
She’s right. I know she is, but I can’t shake the feeling that everything will be different now. I don’t feel like I’m the same person I was before all this happened, and I don’t know how the new me fits into my old life.
Additionally, I have no clue how to ride the line of not telling Ares and Ravyn, but also not lying straight to their faces. I don’t want to lie, but I’m far too scared to tell the truth. I know it’s time to rip the band-aid off and see them, but I’m anxious about it; anxious about how I fit in here.
The Holy Trinity
Audra
I’m finally ready to come out of hiding, come over?
Ares
YESSSS. We will be there
Ravyn
Party?
Audra
I don’t know about all that.
Ravyn
I do, don’t worry.
Ares
I second a party, you know I can get us the inviteee
Audra
I don’t know.
Ravyn
It’ll cheer you up!
Ares
Parties cheer everyone up! Free beer!
Audra
Fine but if it’s not fun I want to go home.
Ares
Deal!
Ravyn
Deal!
Ravyn
Jinx!
Ares
Jinx!
I roll my eyes at their shenanigans. Taking a deep breath, I rise from the chair I’m sitting on, abandoning my coffee to trudge up the stairs to go get ready.
I throw on a playlist filled with a mix of indie pop and pop punk music. I open up my closet to pick out an outfit. I flit through my old going out clothes. It’s been so long since these have had any use. It doesn’t even feel natural to slip into one of these outfits anymore.
I pull myself into a skin tight, black skirt, yanking it up over my tights. I slip on a black mesh top to match. Something I haven’t been comfortable in in a long time.
But in the spirit of ‘fuck it’, I decide to try it out for the night. Sure, I’m not particularly comfortable at any time given the circumstances, but I try to suck it up because I can’t remember the last time I went out to a party. I know it was before I was with Tyler, he never would have let me.
I take a minute to think about how I see myself in a party environment now, but I can’t. It’s so far from the way I’ve felt lately that I actually can’t picture myself there. Still, I take one last look in the mirror and a deep breath before forcing myself downstairs to wait for Ares and Ravyn.
* * *
Ravyn holds my hand, leading me into the house of some guy we barely know. Most people are inside, but some have wandered out onto the front porch and into the yard.
I have no clue how we caught the invite to this party. When I asked Ares, he shot me a wink and said “ Thank Kat ,” as if that made any kind of sense. Who the fuck is Kat? I guess for him, it makes perfect sense. Maybe if things were different, it would make sense for me, too. I shake my head, trying to stop myself from spiraling out before we even get ten feet into this house.
Ares leans in before we walk in the door to whisper to me, “If you get uncomfortable, just let me know and I’ll get you home.” I nod gratefully and follow Ravyn in, Ares not far behind us.
If you’ve been to one house party, you’ve been to them all. It reeks of weed, cheap beer, and sweaty bodies. Some rap song is on in the backroom but people are yelling over it so loudly, I’m not even sure if you could tell what’s playing.
A shock of anxiety zaps at the top of my neck, running all the way down my spine until I feel it in my toes. I tighten my grip on Ravyn’s hand and turn around to be sure Ares is still following. Our eyes meet and he instantly clocks my anxiety, giving me a reassuring smile and mouthing ‘you’re okay’.
I offer him a small smile and turn back around, swallowing down the lump in my throat. I try to keep a steady pace behind Ravyn until we arrive at the drink table. Yeah I’ll definitely need some of this. I grab a shot of some of the cheapest vodka I’ve ever ingested and throw it back, feeling it burn my throat the whole way down. Then a second. Then a third. Only after my third shot and a few sips of the room temperature beer I picked up along the way, do I finally feel like maybe I can make it to the end of this party.
I follow Ares and Ravyn around for what feels like hours, but now I’m sitting next to some sweaty college guy I’ve never met that must go to Doves Harbor University with Ares.
I’m watching Ares and Ravyn whoop another pair’s ass in beer pong. Ares stands next to Ravyn, usually he’d be towering over whoever he’s next to but Ravyn herself is tall. With every toss of the ball her curls bounce along her shoulders and back. I try to be excited, to cheer for my best friends. Hell, I’d settle for just being able to look like I enjoy being here. But I don’t, and I can’t.
All I can think about is what it felt like running down the stairs of Tyler’s apartment complex, pleading with whatever God would listen that he wouldn’t follow me. I can’t party when I’m still there in that moment, fleeing the apartment and crying on the side of the road, covered in rainwater. I can’t cheer for my friends during a fucking beer pong game here when I’m stuck there . My thoughts spiral and I feel my sanity circling the drain when a voice pulls me from my thoughts.
“Why are you at a party when you clearly want to be anywhere else?” a familiar voice asks from next to me. I look up and relief washes over me.
“That would be because your brother dragged me here,” I say with a fake smile to Roman, who is now standing in front of me. His loose, chestnut curls hang slightly in his face. His tongue makes a pass over his full lips as he looks down at me. He nods his head like he already knew that was the answer.
“Let me take you home?” he offers, holding up his keys. I shake my head. I can’t leave. I know this is the last place I want to be right now, but it’s supposed to be fixing something. Maybe me, maybe my friendships; I don’t know. What I do know is this is supposed to be making me feel better. It would feel like I’m giving up if I leave before I feel better or the party is over.
“I can’t,” I respond, nodding over towards where Ares and Ravyn are currently celebrating their win. “They brought me here to cheer me up because they’re worried about me.” I shrug my shoulders.
“They’re not the only ones,” Roman says, taking the seat next to me and letting out a sigh. I’m a little shocked that Roman was worried about me, but I guess it’s not all that surprising after I was a total basket case in his living room a few weeks ago. “At least they got check in texts letting them know you were okay,” he adds. Is that bitterness in his tone?
“You said to call if I needed you. I didn’t know you wanted check-in texts.” My head slumps in defeat. He knocks the toe of his shoe against mine, drawing my eyes back up towards him.
He leans over toward me before speaking.“Well, now you know,” he says with a sweet smile. It’s one far too sweet to be the last look he gives me before he walks out of the room. I spend the next hour or two switching between watching Ares and Ravyn play pong, and playing an occasional match myself. I want to love it. I want to feel like I’m slipping back into my old life, but I don’t. I want to feel like the only thing I lost was a bad boyfriend, but it’s not. In fact, he’s the least of my losses. I don’t know how I fit in here, or if I even do anymore.
* * *
Two years ago feels so far away, so far out of reach to where I’m at now. Sometimes it feels like some kind of bad dream I’m going to wake up from. Looking around at how different my friendships are after my relationship with Tyler feels an awful lot like looking around at the wreckage after the storm. I try not to get too caught up in the guilt of isolating myself when I was with him. It’s hard though when the consequences of those actions are blinding lights in my face.
Those thoughts mixed with the liquor seeping into my blood stream are enough to send me quickly into a downward spiral. One second, I’m sitting in my chair and the next, I’m standing over a trashcan in the corner.
“You okay?” Ares yells over from the table. I bite back what I really want to say. Of fucking course not, Ares. I hate this party. I hate this beer. I hate that I don’t fit in here anymore, and most of all, I fucking hate Tyler.
But I don’t say anything, because I’m supposed to be being me. The old Audra. The right Audra. The Audra who used to be able to go out and have fun. The Audra who didn’t have to keep an entire chapter of her life from her best friends. The Audra who never would have let a man put a wedge in my friendships.
I’m supposed to be at this party that’s supposed to be fixing me but it’s not. The walls are closing in, making my skin crawl and my stomach turn.
But, no. Instead of saying any of that, I lean up, wipe across my mouth with the back of my hand, and flash a megawatt smile. “Yeah, I’m just a little anxious. I’m gonna go get some fresh air. You can keep playing though, I just want a minute alone.”
While I’m not sure I mean a single word of it, Ares buys it and keeps playing. Ravyn shoots me a sympathetic smile as I exit the room, and the only thing I want is to go home. I shove my way through the crowded house, trying to find the door we came in through. It seems like all I find every way I push is gross, sweaty men and women in sparkly tops.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Roman. He’s standing next to a tall blonde who might be the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. She’s better dressed for a gala than a college house party.
I know I should leave him alone and not blow whatever he has going there, but I can’t. In one selfish moment, my anxiety takes priority and I push through the crowd, not stopping until I’m standing in front of him. I think she’s in the middle of a sentence when he turns to face me.
“You okay?” he asks, studying my face. All I can do is shake my head. He looks to the blonde, and then back to me before leaning to her to tell her, “I’m going to take her home, have a nice night.” She offers him a sweet smile before looking to me and offering me the same.
“I hope you feel better!” she calls out as she walks away. She’s beautiful and she’s nice. Now, I feel even worse for pulling him away from her.
“I’m really sorry, Roman. I just want to go home,” I say quietly.
He doesn’t hesitate for a second before pulling the keys from his pocket to show them to me. I’m more shocked than he is when the tears well in my eyes. He reaches down, grabbing my hand in his, and leads me through the crowd toward the door. For the first time since I walked into this party, I finally feel like I can turn my brain off. I follow mindlessly behind him all the way to his car.
“Did something happen?” he questions, pulling the passenger side door open for me. I climb in and pull my knees to my chest. I’ve never had someone in my life that I’ve been so comfortable crying in front of. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve cried plenty in front of Ares and Ravyn. It never felt this easy, though. For some reason, the tears fall easily with Roman.
“I just don’t feel like I fit in anymore. Not here, not with Ares and Ravyn. I feel like everything is ruined. I feel like nothing will ever be the same.” I sob into my knees. Roman squats next to me, just outside of the car.
“You have to give it time, Audi.” He pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. I can’t ignore how effortlessly my nickname falls from his mouth, like he’s been calling me that our whole lives.
Except, he hasn’t. In fact, I don’t think he ever has. There’s an unspoken sentiment in the nickname that makes all of this feel a little lighter. Something that whispers, maybe we are friends now, not just people who know each other through Ares .
“It all just happened, things will fall back into place.” He continues talking as he reaches for my face, swiping the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs.
“What if they never go back to how they were?” I sniffle, looking up at him.
“Then you find a new way for things to be. A better way.” He gives me a soft, quirked smile before standing and walking around the front of the Jeep to climb in the driver’s seat.
“Didn’t you drink?” I blurt, turning to face him.
“I wouldn’t drive with you in the car if I had even a sip of alcohol,” he assures me, turning the car on and pulling off the street. We drive in silence, my mind wandering.
“I should tell Ares I got a ride home,” I announce after a few moments, reaching for my phone.
“Katrina will tell him,” he says coolly.
I assume he’s referring to the blonde he was standing with inside. I wonder momentarily how she knows Ares. I want to ask, but it’s just a stinging reminder that there are pieces of Ares’ life I don’t know about anymore, so I don’t.
I nod, sinking back into my seat and staring out the window. I spend the remainder of the drive reflecting on everything. Walking out of Tyler’s apartment, showing up at Ares’ house, falling asleep on the couch with Roman, getting caught on said couch, and everything that’s changed over the last two years. I think about how the party would have felt three years ago. I think about what Ares might think when whoever Katrina is tells him I’ve left. I think about the implications of Roman calling me Audi.
“Are we friends?” I break the blissful quiet of a hushed radio and soft humming of the car. His eyes flick to me, then back to the road.
“I’d say so. Why are you asking?” he inquires, keeping his eyes locked on the dark road in front of him.
“You called me Audi. Usually only friends or family call me that. It’s stupid, I know, but I was just thinking about it,” I ramble. He laughs at my nervous babble. That laugh feels like it takes thirty pounds off my chest every time I hear it.
“If I say yes, does that mean I can start getting some of those check-in texts?” he asks, wearing a shit eating grin. I roll my eyes.
“Yeah, it might earn you one or two,” I say with a laugh.
The rest of the drive is quiet, but peaceful. Roman is in control in a way that feels so secure. I can turn a part of my brain off with him that I swear has been on as long as I’ve been conscious. The anxiety that normally gnaws at me every second is muffled background noise in my head when I’m with him. We pull into the driveway of my house and my mom’s car is gone. Of-fucking-course it is. I briefly consider the reality of going into my house alone, staying there alone, and probably spending the next three to five days, you guessed it— alone .
“Will you come in with me? My mom’s car is gone, which means it’ll be just me tonight. And I’d feel better if you did a sweep of the house before I go to sleep,” I ask. I’m more than ready to pull the friendship card if he says no, but he doesn’t. He just reaches to unfasten his seat belt.
“Of course. Come on,” he says, getting out of the car. He comes around to my side of his Jeep and opens the door for me to get out. I lead him up the driveway and to the front door. “Key?” he says, holding his hand out. I place the key in his hand, and he unlocks the door. Stepping inside, Roman looks left, then right. He nods, signaling to me that it’s okay to follow him in.
I follow him through the entire house and, sure enough, no one is here. I expect it to settle the uneasy feeling in my stomach, but it doesn’t. I still feel scared to be here alone, which is insane because this is my home. I’ve been here alone a million times. My mom is a flight attendant, I can remember her being gone as much as I remember her being here.
“It’s all clear, Audi,” he says, peering down at me with a smile. He helped me confirm there’s no one here except us, but I can’t shake the feeling in my stomach.
“Do you think you could stay with me?” I ask. “There’s a pull out couch in my room where Ares and Ravyn normally sleep.”
In that moment, I know without a doubt that if he says no, I’m going to pack a bag and leave with him because I cannot sleep alone in this house.
“Like spend the night?” he replies with shock in his voice. The level of surprise in his response fills me with a weird feeling I can’t identify. Embarrassment? Shame? I don’t know.
“I just haven’t been here alone since— well, you know. You know what, never mind… It’s stupid. I can just pack a bag and spend the night with Ares.” I stumble over my words as the feeling worsens.
“Hey,” Roman stops me. “I was just surprised that you’d ask me,” he says. He put a lot of emphasis on ‘me’, as if he thought I’d ask anyone in the world but him. “I’m happy to take the couch. Is this part of the job requirement of being your friend?” he teases.
“Very funny,” I mutter sarcastically. “You have no idea how demanding of a job you were hired into.”
“Oh, I think I might have an idea,” he tosses back, following me into my room. I grab a blanket and a couple of pillows, setting them on the pull out bed. He unzips his jeans and lets them fall to the floor before pulling his T-shirt over his head. I will myself to look away until I hear him crawl into the creaky bed. I go to the bathroom to change into my pajamas and take off my makeup. When I come back, Roman is lying in bed, staring at the ceiling.
“Thanks for staying,” I offer up, crawling into my bed and turning off the lamp next to my bed.
“Always. Anything you need,” he responds quietly. We both drift off to sleep.