27. Audra
Chapter 27
Audra
“Text me when you get home, okay?” I call out to Roman as he climbs into his Jeep. He gives me a nod and a thumbs up as confirmation. I can’t help but to sit and stare for a moment just smiling at the man who’s managed to clear up all the storm clouds in my life, keep me safe despite me actually being watched for a while, and now has won my mom over. The headlights slowly pull out of the driveway and turn to drive down the street and away from my house.
I’m mildly aware of a time when the person I loved driving away from me felt like the end of the world. When it felt like I had to leave claw marks on things to keep them. Now I know what it’s like to be loved in a way that I don’t have to bid for. I know what it’s like to love without pain being the next feeling queued up. I spent a long time feeling like the two feelings went together.
For a long time I felt like being loved was something I had to earn with obedience and compliance. Since then I’ve learned—Roman’s taught me—sometimes people will just love you. There are no terms and conditions, sometimes people will just choose you and keep choosing you. Sometimes they’ll even attempt to take you on perfect dates and impress your mom.
It hits me like a shockwave. I knew I had feelings for him but suddenly I’m overly aware that I’m in love with him. Thank God my mom is standing behind me otherwise I might make a fool of myself and chase the car down the street to tell him right away. Instead, I take a deep breath and lock that feeling away until there’s a good time to tell him.
“You really love him, huh?” my mom asks. If she had asked me two hours ago, I probably would have told her no. That I wasn’t there yet. Instead, I nod, turning my body from the door frame to face her.
“Yeah. I do,” I admit. It feels good to tell someone. For someone other than us to know about what we have and how special it really is. For someone else to see the way he lights up my entire world.
“So tell me everything.”
“Didn’t he just tell you everything?” I ask, turning and shutting the front door behind me. I meet my mom back in the living room and sit with her.
“You know what I mean.” She huffs. I do, she wants every juicy detail because that’s how my mom has always been. I consider cleaning the story up. I don’t though, for once I’m completely honest and it feels amazing.
“Things with Tyler were worse than I let on,” I admit. The warm and fuzzy look on her face falls to something much less joyful.
“How bad?” she asks but she can’t quite look at me.
“He hit me. More than once. I should have left sooner than I did. I finally did it though, Mom, and I’m so proud of myself.” I nod, trying to give a silver lining and assure her I’m okay now. “I was a mess when I went there that night, when Ares wasn’t home it felt like my whole world was crashing in on me. I didn’t feel like I could do it. I thought I’d have to walk the rest of the way home and for some reason that really felt like the straw that broke the camel’s back.” I pause, gathering my thoughts.
“Then Roman offered to hang out with me until Ares got home. It felt really stupid at the time like it was the last thing I should be doing. I said yes though and I went inside. He sat with me all night and made me comfortable. Even if nothing had come of us, I would never forget what he did for me that night, Mom. We watched my favorite movie and he sat with me in painful silence until I was ready to talk. He listened to it all and kept it to himself despite wanting so badly to force my hand in getting help. It was perfect. He was perfect,” I admit. Tears stream down her face and I can’t quite tell if they’re about Tyler or about Roman. Maybe some bittersweet mix of the two. I don’t know.
“I’m okay now, Mom. I promise,” I assure her. She shakes her head slowly, wiping at the tears staining her cheeks.
“I just wish you had told me. I could have been home more. I could have been there for you,” she says and her voice is quiet, filled with something that seems an awful lot like shame to me. Has my mom been the most present parent in the world? No, maybe not. She’s always made time for things that mattered though and I understand why she worked so much.
“I didn’t want to tell anyone. I didn’t even tell Ares for a long time. For a while only me and Roman knew.” Her pained look softens slightly. She knows I must be serious if Ares didn’t know. I’ve told him everything the entire time I’ve known him.
“I don’t want you to feel guilty, Mom. I purposely kept it a secret. I went out of my way to hide marks behind makeup and clothing. I chose to keep secrets. You had no way to know,” I assure her. She nods. “Is there anything else you want to know about Roman?” I ask, looking to shift the subject away from Tyler.
“Why are you waiting to tell Ares?” she asks.
“Well, at first it was because I wanted to be sure there was something to tell. It was so new, I wanted both of us to be sure about this before we rocked the boat.” I take a breath. “I am though, Mom. I’m really sure about this,” I admit.
“So why are you still waiting?” she presses.
“Honestly, I have a lot of anxiety about how it will look for me to have moved on so quickly. I don’t want people to think I deserve what happened because I hopped right into another relationship,” I confess. Her face melts into sympathy.
“Honey, there’s nothing you could do that would make you deserving of what happened.” I can’t help but crack a small smile. That’s nearly word for word what Roman said to me.
“You know, Roman said almost the exact same thing to me.” I laugh.
“It’s true. You should consider telling him.” I nod, she’s right. I just don’t know if I could handle it if Ares thought it was too soon. I think hearing Ares point that out would shatter my heart.
“Yeah. I should. I just want to wait for the right time.”
“You’ll find the right time,” she assures me. I don’t know that I will. I know I feel ready to tell him but I’m not sure I’m ready for what that brings. Lying always digs a hole and now that I’m six feet inside of one, I don’t know how to get out without accidentally burying myself alive.
Talking all of this out has felt like a giant weight off of my chest. So I bring up the other thing that has been keeping me up lately.
“Roman brought up getting a place together,” I blurt out. I expect her eyes to go wide or for her to gasp but she doesn’t. She doesn’t even look shocked.
“Oh, fun! So are you guys looking at places?” she asks. Her tone is light as a feather like this isn’t a big deal. Why am I the only one who thinks this is a huge deal?
“What? No. Isn’t it like… super fast?” I exclaim.
“Well, I don’t know, honey. Does it feel super fast to you?” she asks. That’s a loaded question. Yes. But also no. I feel like everything has happened in a bit of a whirlwind but on the other hand, it all feels right.
“Kinda… Kind of not though. I feel like things have gone fast calendar-wise. But if you’re asking how it feels, it just feels like we’re doing what we’ve always been meant to do. It just feels right.” I shrug.
“Then what’s all the talk about how soon it is?” she asks.
“I don’t know… Won’t it look bad? Like we’re just young and stupid.”
“You need to worry less about how the things you do look to other people. Worry about how much they fill your cup. I know it’s a little cheesy but when you know, you know, Audi,” she assures me.
How much they fill my cup. How much would living with Roman fill my cup? I think it might leave my cup overflowing. I think I might need a second cup. Thinking about waking up with him every morning and falling asleep with him every night feels like the July sun beaming right on the center of my chest.
“What if it doesn’t work out?” I add.
“Then we’ll pack your stuff and you’ll come home. I understand why you would be hesitant and thinking worst case after everything with Tyler but you can’t keep blocking your own happiness in fear of losing it.” Damn. She’s right. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve been keeping him at arm’s distance thinking it might hurt less if I lose him. It wouldn’t though, nothing could make this hurt less if I lost it. So I’m just hurting both of us for no reason.
“You’re right,” I admit.
“Yeah, always am,” she says with a laugh. I roll my eyes and hop up off the couch.
“When I see him, I’ll talk to him. Thank you, mom,” I say walking over to the love seat across from me that she’s sitting in. I bend down and hug her.
“Anytime. You know this,” she says hugging me back.