Chapter 12
CHASE
“What are you doing?”
That’s a very good question. I’m doing an experiment, testing out this growing attraction. Six hours, and this was the best plan I could come up with. “Just…hold still.” I swallow hard. “Please.”
I lean in slowly, giving us both plenty of time to change our minds.
The air between is electrically charged.
I’ve kissed plenty of people over the years, but it’s never felt anything like this.
The anticipation is so good, I want to draw it out for as long as possible.
But I also desperately want to kiss him.
It’s on my mind all the time. It’s been the image in my head when I jerk off in the shower in the morning.
I need the real thing.
When our lips finally meet, it’s nothing like I imagined. Not even close. The fantasy that’s lived in my head always felt distant. Good, but missing something. This is the most complete I’ve ever felt. My legs nearly give out, but I manage to brace myself against one of the bookshelves.
There’s so much more to this than a first kiss. It lacks the typical awkward moment of testing for chemistry. I already knew it would be good with Nix. We’ve got plenty of chemistry. And history. Maybe that’s why everything feels so different.
It’s tempting to keep going, to deepen the kiss and spend the rest of the night making out. That’s what old-Chase would do. The new-and-improved version I’m working on? He’s going to take things slow. Make sure that we’re developing a relationship that includes more than the physical aspects.
“No, why did you stop?” Nix reaches for my arm as I pull away.
I can’t help but smile at his outburst. It’s so very Nix to say exactly what he’s thinking. Different than what I usually have with people.
“Oh, my God.” He smacks his hand over his mouth. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. I liked it, too. I just don’t want things to go too fast.” Even if all my blood is currently in my cock. Guess that answers the question of whether I’m bisexual.
“But you’re fulfilling like ten of my biggest fantasies right now.”
“Really?” My mind fills with a whole bunch of options. Later, I want to hear the details of every one of these fantasies. Figure out exactly how I can fulfill them. Right now, we have some other things to discuss.
“Um…no?” He shrinks back against the books. That won’t do. The last thing I want is for him to move away.
“We should talk about some other things first.” I take Nix’s hand, holding it close to my chest.
“Right. Things. Talking.”
“Can we get dinner together? Maybe somewhere that allows us a bit of privacy?” Small-town gossip might be fun to listen to, but I’m not in the mood to be the one being gossiped about, especially when I’m still working out the details myself.
“I don’t think there’s anywhere in town that would give us that level of privacy. What about having something here? I could get takeout, and we could eat upstairs.”
I shake my head. “Too close to a bed.” My face flushes at my words. The implication of that is clear. And I desperately want to get Nix into bed, but not tonight. At least not beyond the sleeping together we’ve been doing. For a variety of reasons.
I want to do a little more research before I’m ready for something like that.
“Oh. It’s a weeknight. I bet we could grab a table at Reindeer Roadhouse. Maybe if we go late, they won’t be too busy. Maybe right after I close?” It’s an early night for the shop, so we should be able to make it work.
“It’s a date.”
I have a date. With Nix.
Fuck.
NIX
“So, you…” I’m not really sure how to start this conversation. I spent the last few hours of the day trying to figure out what I wanted to say. I came up with absolutely nothing.
Zip. Zero. Nada.
Dive right in? Ease into it after we each have a drink in our system?
“You can ask me anything you want. I’ll do my best to answer you. If I don’t know, then I’ll say that.”
Well, that’s a refreshing change from my past relationships. Not that there’s been a lot. Especially lately. Despite all the recent couples in town, my prospects have been…limited.
“I…you…we kissed?”
“Is that a question? Because if it is, then either you have a head injury or I’m a terrible kisser.”
“Definitely not that.” I blurt it out before thinking. My whole body heats. I can only pray my face isn’t as red as it feels. “It’s just, I thought you were straight.” There. I said it. The elephant that’s been stomping around the bookstore for the last few hours is out in plain sight.
“Right.” He ducks his head.
I can’t help but feel for the guy. I reach across the table and take his hand. Maybe I shouldn’t do that, but I’d do the same for any of my friends.
“I, um, well, until this past week I thought so, too.” He takes a couple of deep breaths. Both are a little too fast.
“Hey.” I squeeze his hand. “Take as long as you need. I’m not here to judge you.”
It takes a few minutes, but Chase’s breaths start to slow enough that I’m not worried he’s going to pass out. That’s a good start.
It’s that moment when the waiter comes over to take our drink order. As much as it might be interrupting, I’m thankful for the distraction. I take my hand back, tucking it under my thigh so I won’t fidget.
I order my usual drink, a Vermont pale ale that’s popular in the area. Chase seems a little more unsure, but he tries one of the specials. I don’t know if he means it to be a signal, since it’s one of the special Pride drinks, but it does sound delicious. Maybe he’ll let me try it.
“Before we jump back into the discussion, why don’t you pick out something to eat?”
“What’s good here?”
I’ve done Chase a real disservice by not taking him out more to show him the appeal of Sleighbell Springs.
“Everything, but in general, I recommend either the chicken or the tofu steak. I usually get one of those two.” I’ve probably had everything on the menu at least once.
In part because cooking isn’t really my thing.
Plus, this is only a short walk from the shop, which makes it tempting after a long day of work.
“Okay.” He folds the menu. “I’ll trust you.”
That’s a big responsibility. Suddenly I’m second-guessing a meal I’ve had dozens of times. When our waiter returns, I order the other meal I recommended. If he hates his, then we can switch or something.
As soon as we’re alone, the tension-filled silence settles between us again.
“I know you’re hoping here for me to give you something concrete, but I’m having trouble coming up with anything.” Chase takes a long drink of his cocktail. When he sets it down, he gives the glass a hard stare, as though he’s trying to figure it out. “I did some research and—”
“Chase, it’s okay. You don’t have to do all of this.
” I’d never force someone to come out or explain themselves.
It doesn’t matter how curious I am or how much I want an explanation for what happened in the bookstore.
This has to happen on his own time, whether that’s tonight, a year from now, or never.
“I want to. I mean, I want to explain as much as I can to you and hope that you’ll understand. Or at least give me a shot.”
“Whatever you need.”
“All the materials are really confusing. I knew about bisexuality, but then there are like a dozen other options. I’ve never really considered that I might be attracted to anyone except women, but…
I’m attracted to you.” He shrugs as though we’re talking about window blinds again instead of something far more complex and difficult.
“Labels are great, but only if they’re helpful. You don’t have to settle on one if you don’t want to. You can always change it, too. People can be fluid and change who they’re attracted to over time.”
He snorts. “No kidding. I’m in my thirties and attracted to a man for the first time in my life.” He clears his throat and takes another sip of his drink. “Well, maybe.”
“Maybe?” Suddenly, I wish it was appropriate to slip under the table for the rest of the meal.
“No,” Chase exclaims as he reaches out and grabs my hand again. “Not maybe attracted to you. That part I’m sure about. It’s just that looking back, I think maybe it’s happened in the past, and I didn’t realize.”
“Oh?” My mind searches through his various high school friends, wondering if any of them are plaguing his memory. Honestly, he hung out with a lot of objectively good-looking guys. Even though I only had eyes for Chase, I could still agree they were handsome.
“There was this guy, a few years older than me, on my college track team. We always had this big rivalry. I spent half my time trying to one-up him. My best times were always when I was trying to win against him. I was obsessed. Talked about him constantly. My friends were so tired of it that they actually enacted a ban one weekend. It was so hard I ended up spending most of the time alone because I couldn’t stop thinking about him. ”
“Was he hot?”
Chase turns red, then practically purple.
“So, yes?”
“Yeah.”
He’s embarrassed, so I steer the conversation in a different direction. “So, what do you want to do about it? I mean us.”
Our earlier incident might be nothing more than him experimenting.
If so, I’ll always be honored to be his first same-sex kiss, but devastated that we only got that one time.
It’s not enough, not by a long shot. I didn’t get the chance to memorize every detail of what we were doing, of the way he tasted and felt against me.
That’s something that will forever haunt me.
“I don’t really know how it works. Are we dating now? Is that what you’d call it?”
I choke on the sip I’d tried to get down while he was talking. It burns as it goes down the wrong pipe, and I spend the next several minutes choking and rubbing my sternum.
“Are you okay?”
Chase does the worst and best thing possible, sliding into the booth by my side and rubbing his hand over my back.
How can he possibly be this sweet? It seems fully impossible that it’s even an option. “I’m fine,” I manage to get out.