Chapter 23
twenty-three
Ainsley
“ Y ou know that the Admiral will go ballistic if he finds out you’re in town,” I tell my brother as he vehemently refuses to come with me back home.
“He can fuck right off.”
I laugh once. “I dare you to say that to him.”
We’re standing outside of Lachlan’s truck, Lachlan behind the wheel and Rose asleep in the back passenger area. Rose is totally exhausted. We walked, ate, went on the rides, and then took her to the animal auction and rodeo at the end.
She absolutely loved it. Now she needs to sleep, and I need to get as much as I can done for my father.
Caspian leans on the quarter panel, refusing to budge on anything. “What are you going there for anyway?”
“To help clean out some of Mom’s things.”
It was a big ask for my father to even consider this. Honestly, I was shocked when he called me the day after his surprise visit to ask me to do it. He’s lived in the fantasy of her coming back to him, even though she moved to Florida and is dating someone.
Not that I’ve ever hinted at that last part. I think he’d lose his shit.
“Wow.” Caspian’s eyes widen .
Lachlan rolls down the window. “Are you two ready?”
I turn to him. “Almost. I need to work my magic.”
“Oh, Lord.”
I ignore that and return to my brother.
“It would be a huge help if you were there. This isn’t going to be easy for the Admiral.”
My brother shakes his head. “Why? So he can use me as a punching bag instead of you or the fact that Mom left him? No, thanks. I had enough of that when he drove to Tennessee to let me know what a disgrace I am to the MacKinley name. I have no real job, according to him, and I’m wasting my life away and will never make it in music.”
I hate that my father doesn’t support him. He’s just a very narrow-minded, his-way-or-the-highway type of person. It’s what made him a great leader, but a terrible father at times.
He never hit us. Never punished us in the extreme, because his words were more damaging than a belt ever could’ve been.
Especially for my brother.
“It’s not true, Cas.”
“I know.”
“Do you?” I ask, resting my hand on his arm. “Do you know that he’s wrong? Because he is. You’re already doing amazing. You’re playing more frequently, getting new gigs and rebookings. All of that is proving him and anyone else who doubted you wrong.”
My brother gives me a half smile. “Anyone ever tell you that you’re the bright spot in this world?”
“No, but I’m open to hearing it more often. I keep telling Lachlan that I’m a delight.”
Lachlan laughs from inside the cab. “I keep telling her that she needs a dictionary because that’s not the word I’d use.”
“Neither would I,” Caspian agrees.
I huff and shake my head. “We should go. I hope you’ll change your mind and come by.”
“Don’t hold your breath. ”
I lean in and kiss his cheek. “One day I’m going to fix you boys and your fathers.”
“You have way too much faith in the men in your life,” Caspian says with a hint of sadness.
Maybe I do, but I won’t give up hope.
I get in the truck, and Lachlan gives him a two-finger salute before we head off. I turn back to check on Rose, who is passed out in the back.
“She had a long day,” I say softly.
“She did. We all did. I don’t know how you’re going to spend a few hours working with your dad.”
I shrug. “He needs me, and I don’t know how to say no to anyone I love.”
“I’m proof of that,” Lachlan says offhand, and my stomach drops.
I thought I was doing a good job hiding how I feel. Shit. He knows I love him. The pounding of my heart grows, and I force a smile, hoping I’m wrong.
“What?”
He glances over. “You know we’re friends.”
Thank God. He thinks it’s a friendly kind of love. Sure, we’ll go with that.
I do love him that way and in the marry-me-and-I’ll-make-you-happy kind of way too.
“We definitely are. I would do anything for you, Rose, Caspian, and even the Frisbee guys now. I’m taking them into my inner circle.”
Lachlan laughs once. “Well, they’re halfway in love with you anyway.”
“Only half?” I tease.
“Maybe three-quarters.”
“Oh, well, I need to up my game then. Time for cookies and muffins.”
He grins and then taps his thumb on the wheel. The closer we get to our childhood homes, the more anxious it appears he’s growing. Lachlan grips the wheel a little tighter, his knuckles going white as we turn two streets down. There’s a tension in his frame that wasn’t there before.
I hate this.
I reach over, rubbing his shoulder, and then he starts to relax. “You can drop me off at the end of the street,” I suggest.
“What? Absolutely not. The chances that he’s home, let alone outside, are very low.”
“You’re obviously anxious about the possibility.”
“I just don’t want to see him.”
“You don’t have to. If he’s outside, by some horrible coincidence, I’ll talk to him and you can leave.”
Lachlan places his hand on my thigh. “It’ll be fine, Ainsley.”
We turn onto the street we grew up on and pass Mrs. Langley’s house, which my brother and Lachlan toilet-papered after she got them grounded, which then got them grounded for longer. Then on the right is Mr. Rapanotti, who always left candy in the mailbox for us when he saw us riding our bikes.
This street is filled with memories, and anytime I come home, it feels like a part of me is settling back into place.
We stop in front of my house, and Lachlan glances back at what was his house. The front light is on in the living room, where his father is probably sitting and reading.
I glance back at Rose, who is sound asleep, emitting a soft snore, and I smile. “If we weren’t in front of my father’s house, I’d lean over and kiss you,” I whisper.
“If we weren’t in front of your father’s house, I’d do a lot more than that.”
I grin. “You’ll have to make it up to me another time.”
“Yes, because I was promised a very long present, and I’m going to claim that.”
“Long, you say?”
Lachlan chuckles. “Very long.”
“I look forward to that then.”
“Me too. Go get inside before I drive away with you.”
The idea of it makes my heart flutter. I wish we could do exactly that, but that threat is empty because of Rose and Caspian. “If only it were possible ... I’d let you.”
He leans forward, taking my hand in his and lacing our fingers together. “In some cultures, palms touching is equivalent to a kiss.”
The way he does it makes me believe it could be. Something so simple, so innocuous, and yet it causes the butterflies in my belly to stir.
“Again, sir, you test the boundaries of propriety. If we were in Regency times, we’d be on our way to the altar.”
“I won’t tell if you don’t.” He reaches for my other hand, mimicking our palms kissing. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
I pull my hands from him, the tingling traveling up my arms and through my body. Jesus, I need to get a grip. This is madness.
“See you tomorrow.”
“Text me when the coast is clear.”
Meaning when his father isn’t here. “I will.”
On wobbly legs I exit the truck and walk up the steps of my childhood home, wishing the boy next door was there so he could climb through my window.
“How is the story coming along?” Caroline asks on our video call.
“I think good. The guys have been forthcoming and helpful in explaining their stories. Lachlan’s interview was key to it, I just haven’t really figured out what I want to do with the story. I have a call with three admissions advisers from various schools for some background info.”
I’m sitting on my old twin bed, going through my notes since I can’t sleep. Thankfully, my friend is also nocturnal during our deadline times.
“So what has you stuck?”
She knows me so well. “Other than the fact that I don’t know dick about sports? Well, I slept with Lachlan.”
Caroline’s eyes widen, jaw dropping before she recovers. “ Okay then. Not what I was expecting since you’re one step away from being a nun.”
“Shut up.”
She laughs. “Does he know you’ve been writing his name on your notebooks since you were a kid?”
“Yes and no. He knows I’ve lusted for him, but not that I’m in love with him.”
“I imagine that would scare him off.”
“You imagine correct,” I say, getting up and walking over to the window.
My room faces the West house. The garden that his mother loved so dearly looks exactly the same. Four years and his father has done everything to maintain it. He told my father once that it’s the only way to keep her alive with him.
I wish Lachlan could see it.
“Is it because of his kid?” she asks.
“I don’t think it’s that. I guess partially it’s because of Rose, but not in the way you might think. His father was always gone when he was a kid.”
“So was yours.”
I laugh once. “Yeah, and that fucks you up. We were always good at pretending it didn’t matter, but I would cry for weeks when the Admiral left. My mother would do everything she could to keep me from falling apart, but it took me a good month before I would settle into the new normal. Then he’d come back and screw it all up again.”
Caroline falls silent for a moment. “Being a military kid isn’t easy.”
“No, it’s not, but for Lachlan it was worse. He was an only child, and his mother would go into a deep depression when his father deployed. He almost had to become an adult. My mother would bring dinner to them every night. I remember one time Lachlan had the flu, he was so sick and Mom had to care for him. Every time his dad left, his mother did in a way too. He was on his own.”
I was younger and didn’t recognize that, but as I grew up, it was hard to watch. Lachlan acted out anytime his father’s ship was deploying. He had an open invitation at our house, and he stayed here often.
“That’s rough,” Caroline says sympathetically.
“It was, and then Rose’s mother got pregnant and she gave her up, which was really hard on him because it felt very reminiscent of his childhood.”
Caroline nods. “I can imagine.”
“When his mother died, that was the nail in his coffin. She got diagnosed with cancer when his father was deployed and didn’t tell anyone.”
“What?”
“Yeah, she kept it all a secret until about six months later and refused any treatment. No matter how much he or his father begged, she wouldn’t do it.”
It broke him.
I’ll never forget one of their heated talks when I was in the garden, reading. He was begging her to fight. To just try to beat it for him. For Rose.
She placed her hand on his cheek and told him that sometimes letting go is the only way to go forward.
He stormed out of the house, and I could hear the tires screeching down the road.
“I don’t understand it.”
“I don’t either. She had her son, who she loved, and her granddaughter. Rose was only two.”
“You know that my mother had severe depression, right?”
“Yes.”
Caroline and I spent hours talking about childhoods, and hers is semi similar to Lachlan’s. The difference was that Caroline’s mother sought help. In her home there was no stigma around mental health, and it was treated like any other illness.
“My mother would often have us go to therapy sessions with her. My brother and I fucking hated it. We were young and we really didn’t understand any of it. Our parents shielded us from the really dark times. I had to live with my grandparents in New Jersey for a few weeks. We just thought it was a vacation, but I learned later on that my dad had to take her to a specialty treatment facility and he wouldn’t leave her there.”
I smile just barely at the last part, and Caroline smiles bigger. “It’s sweet, isn’t it?”
“It really is.”
“He loved her in sickness and in health. There were plenty of really great times. Once she was on the right medication and was in therapy regularly. My point is, Mom tried to explain to us what it felt like in her head. Depression is a liar and thief. It robs you of joy and makes you believe that the despair is deserved, she said. It takes one bad thought and feeds itself until it’s so large you have no choice but to believe it.”
I sit back on my bed, letting the weight of that settle around me. “It has to be such a burden living in that sadness every day.”
Caroline sighs heavily. “My mother was able to get the help she needed and had the support of her family. If his mom didn’t ...”
“No, she did, in a way, but I understand what you mean. His father wasn’t given the choice to stay home. He had to deploy.”
“All I’m trying to explain is that the perspective that Lachlan has is different than yours. He lived it, watched it, felt everything, and then she chose—in his mind—to leave him. Doesn’t matter that he was a grown man with his own child, because Rose’s mother chose to leave her. It’s just ... messy.”
It is, and I’ve put myself smack-dab in the middle of it.
“I would never do that to him.”
Caroline gives me a sad smile. “But you will when this assignment is over.”
“That’s not a choice! I live in New York. I have a job.”
“And his father didn’t have a choice, but he still blames him ...”